Dreaming of ex for the past 11 years.. how to stop

[dreamex2013]

Hello,

I have a huge long history with my ex.  We dated for a year and I moved across the country and that pretty much put an end to the relationship due to the distance.  Since the move, we tried to work it out after realizing that our relationship wasn't over, it was the distance that separated us.  I was 19 at the time and he was 21, and I had to move to put a roof over my head.

Unfortunately the distance hindered our relationship and communication several times and we found it to be iterally impossible for the two of us to have a long distance relationship.  Our relationship prior was based on actually seeing each other and exploring the universe together.  Trips, small weekend getaways, etc.  We had a blast with each other and were best friends.

I feel that it's important to share our history to help get better advice on how to solve my subconsious issues... so here's the history;

2001; we meet, we date.
2002: I move
2003: A friend gets married, so I fly back, and we meet.  He buys a ticket to fly to my state.. but a few things happened where a family member and a friend got involved into our personal business and I ended up believing these other people and I pulled the plug, out of my own stupidity.  Meanwhile his friend/family member deleted all my contact information from his cell phone... so I never called him because I fell for some stupid family drama.  His little brother and I did not get along at all.
2004:  I move back.  Meanwhile, unknowingly at the time, he kept thinking of a way to get ahold of me and find me again.  I never approached him or tried to find him.  I believed that he moved on because of that stupid family drama.
2004:  I move again across country at the end of December.  I still have dreams that my x is trying to find me and that I'm still trying to find him.
2005.  I meet someone new at the end of the year.  At this point I'm on Myspace, and the little brother that caused all the drama told my x he found me on myspace.  My x tried to contact me, I declined out of the respect of my new BF.
2006.  I get engaged.  For two days.  That relationship was a joke that lasted off and on.  Since then my x from 2001 would randomly try to e-mail me and I wouldn't really listen.  
2007.  He emails me again.  I said I was willing to listen since I've been having dreams about him getting more intense.  The dreams started since I left, mostly they dealt with heart break.  Mostly the dreams were about him moving on in his life.  Then the dreams started appearing that I was trying to find him, or he was trying to find me.  I said I would listen to him because these dreams were so close to the reality I was seeing from our history together.  After he poured his heart out about everything that happened and we cleared up some miscommunication, he flys out to see me.

Everything was great, but I was young, naive, and still heart broken over my x fiance who I had an off/on again relationship with for two years.  I didn't want to be played a fool.  My x wanted to continue to fly out and see me and talk and see where things would end up.. but I wanted more of a solid commitment than a bunch of plain tickets.  I was in my young twenties by then, and completely ignorant and naive about the real world and real relationships.  After he flew back, I couldn't handle the distance.  I pulled the plug.

2008, X tries to e-mail me again.  Wants to talk.  I chit chat with him through email, I try to be supportive.  I don't tell him that I met someone knew and was engaged.

2008.  I get engaged.  After two months of dating.  I'm married 6 months later and most days I still kick myself in the butt for marrying someone I never knew because it's certainly not the type of relationship I imagined myself being in.  Meanwhile the x still emails me to check-in and see how i'm doing.  We chat via email, as friends.  The dreams also are similar with our friendship.  In my dreams were friends now, but my dreams start appearing that I'm trying to find a way to get back with my x.

2009.  I get pregnant.  I tell my x.  Since then, he quit e-mailing me.  He says he doesn't want to "interfere."  I guess me being pregnant sealed the deal with my x that he wasn't going to have a chance anymore.  Since then, my dreams of my ex increasing dramatically.

2010.  One day I called my ex to straighten out some stuff that I always wanted to know about.  I read on other forums that my subconcious is trying to solve unresolved issues, so i tried to solve them.  I get my questions answered and he was so kind and more than willing to answer them and make time to speak to me about them.  I understand why he doesn't e-mail me out of the blue anymore.  He respects me enough that I have a family now.

For the last couple of years the dreams have went from how each other have moved on, how we were trying to find each other, how we became friends, then how I left my current husband to be with my ex.  Now when I do dream about him, I dream that I'm in a relationship with my ex and I'm happy and so in love like I once was.

I'm having a hard time with this because I feel like the dreams are preventing me from having a healthy relationship with my husband, even though my husband and I have our own issues that prevent us from having a relationship close to what I had before.  The relationship I had with my ex was a whole lot better than my marriage, even if my x and I only dated a year.

At this point I don't talk to my ex anymore, it's mostly me contacting him about every 6 months just to see what's going on in his life.  He reply's back in a paragraph and I leave it at that.  He's always been responsive, kind, and sincere.  I read on another forum that someone gave advice to another with a similar situation that we should get to know our ex and we will see why it never worked out.  Well.. that didn't work.  My x and my husband have some things in common, some more positive than the other, and some more negative than the other.  They're both great men.

I'm not leaving my husband, but I certainly want to be heads over-heals with my spouse like I was with my ex.  I feel that I can't do that with these dreams that are getting more intense over time.  I won't be thinking of him at all and then one night my x is in my dreams where I'm so happy and so in love.

As for my ex?  He's still single and has been unlucky in the love department.  He's had a GF for 8 years which he broke up with twice to try to work things out with me.. he ended up leaving her after 8 years because she still wasn't what he wanted after all that time.

Part of me wants to move on and live the fullest with my current spouse, but since these dreams are so intense that another part of me wishes that one day my ex and I will get the chance to continue our relationship or finish it.

Any advice?  How do I stop the dreams?  I feel like the dreams are making me yearn for more in real life.

[AnnieBrooke]

I would agree with specialmom if these were a random dream here and there along with other dreams about other friends.  But it's almost like you're setting up a complete alternate reality, which is why I suggest talking to a counselor to see what is going on such that your subconscious is doing that.  (I do think it would not be like that for you in real life, should you have gone ahead with the ex.)  

[specialmom]

I personally don't think dreaming about someone is all that deep.  I dream about people I think about before bed time, someone that has been on mymind, etc and it doesn't have any deep meaning.

This relationship is one that you are allowing to control your mind.  I agree that you should actually actively seek to not think about him. Very key is what you do before bed.  Read a book up until sleep time or watch a movie.  During the day, stay really active.  You sound lonely and that is often when people from our past sound really awesome when deep down we know they aren't and it is over.  
good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

Your ex represents all the idealized possibilities of whatever you want to imagine you could have had, basically you can fantasize him to be 100% exciting and wonderful, and he never has to disappoint you or annoy you.  No wonder he is looking good in your dreams.  You never have to wash his underpants, or listen to him burp, or argue about whose fault the Visa bill is, like you do with your husband.  (Though, I'll point out, if you had married Mister Unfinished Business, he would also have dirty underpants, burps and arguments with you about mundane subjects.)

I am sorry you didn't go on with your ex when you had the chance, but you have a family now, he is right and you are right not to want to leave it on the chance that what you had in the past would somehow be better.

To stop dreaming of him, I would see a counselor or therapist and work out what is going on in your life that makes it seem so dull or mundane by comparison to the thrills and chills of the past guy.  If you get interested in your husband as a man, and in trying to assess your relationship as a couple, you might be able to appreciate him more greatly than an idealized dream from the past, and finally to make peace with it.  It's awfully hard on him to have to compete with Mister Dream Date, who never does anything but the most perfect things.