Emotional Detachment/Emotional Cheating

[angelusx]

Hi. Not entirley sure if this is the right forum to air my problem.  I'm just going to jump in and try to explain my situation as best I an in the hope that someone has some advice for me.  I just need help to decide whether or not to continue on with my reationship with my girlfriend.  We have been together a relatively short time; 3 months.  But already I'm starting to have some strong suspicions that all is not well.  Our relationship started through knowing mutual friends which bizarrely were our parents! What transpired was a month of constant text messages between the two of us at every opportunity for a solid month before we even started to chat for real in person.  We hit it off almost instantly and we could both feel just how attracted we were to each other.  We are now three months down the line from that initial get together and things have not been so great, at least for me.  We see each other on most days and any invites that we get from our respective friends we tag along together as a couple.
My issue is the level of emotional detachment I am now sensing and seeing from my girlfriend.  We don't talk as much. We don't message each other as much . She simply seems guarded all the time like she's just not that interested.  Where as before every msg was responded to almost instantaneously.  Now I wait hours before I get a short sentence reply. I have never broached this subject with her and she appears ambivalent towards this anyway.  I accept that when relationships get to certain point, these things will happen and it is up to the individuals in question to try and spice up and sustain the relationship.  I am falling in love with her and have told her this too, sparingly.  She also replies the same and seems to say it quite convincingly.  But she is never the initiator and this has led me to not say it as much if at all actually as I feel we are both at different levels in the relationship and I want to give her the chance to maybe catch up.  
In the three months that we have been a couple we have met a lot of each others family for get togethers and meals so I feel part of the family. Not so sure if she neccesarily feels the samreway emotionally. Her relatives have commented what a great couple we are which makes me feel excited about the future.  
Tied into these three months is the awareness that she has a friend of the opposite sex who she classifies into the "good friend" category.  Normally this would be fine until recently I accidently read a text msg on her phone from this guy. She has the same phone as me that shows the text message on screen as soon as it is received.  The details of the message were very reminiscent of the ones I would occasionally send her in the early part of our courting.  Suffice to say I was not impressed at this but I never had the balls to challenge her on this.  Even more recently, she has been on the phone with him with not only me in attandence in the same room but with her lying on the sofa with her legs resting on my lap.  The details of the conversation are cringeworthy at best and at worst absolutely disrespectful to me.  My girlffriend consequently saw the anger in my face and although we never talked at any real length about this, I know that she knows I am very uncomfortable if and when he calls.  Last night we were in her car coming back from the theatre.  It was pretty late and he called.  Due to having her phone bluettoothed to her car, I could see on the dashboard dispaly it was him calling and she put the phone down on him.  These series of events have left me thinking that she is not letting on how much they do communicate with each other. Coupled together with the apparent lack in communication and dependency between us and I really think we have what is called an emotional affair.
We have booked a holiday together well in advance for three months time down the line so at least on that level, we do feel that we will be together.  I don't know however if this is a sign of a guilty conscience, if she is over compensating for the lack of intimacy recently or if she plain wants to go on holiday with her boyfriend.  I am that confused and paranoid.  I suppose I should just spend an evening and just blurt out everything that is concenrng me but I'm afraid in doing so I am somehow jeopardising what we have.
I have no solid evidence for anything and I don't want to broach the subject with her until I understand for myself the real reason for this happening.  I don't want to start with ultimatums and make demands on her.  I want to respect her privacy as she does wioth mine but I would be lying if I didn't feel angry towards this guy who appears to be making moves on my girlfriend.  Worse still is that she is giving off the impression that she might be up for it.  I really don't know as my head is in a spin. I would be stupid if I didn't think that she has feelings for this man, but to what level and if it is enough to hurt our relationship, I really don't know.
Is there anyone out there with a simliar story? What have you done or are thinking of doing.  Your comments will be much appreciated.
Thanks.

[teko]

Well lets just say that three months in not a long relationship at best and you are still getting to know one another. One thing I see lacking is communication. If you cannot talk about your feelings with one another, then you have no relationship. You need to sit down and lay it out there. If she feels the same about you as you do her, she will let you know and you will not have to wonder. You should also welcome her honesty with you and tell her up front that you want her honesty even if she thinks it will hurt. Friends and family aside, this is your relationship and no one else matters. I would not waste time being jealous or anxious because frankly, it leads to no where except more doubt and anxiety. Regardless of how she feels or how you feel for that matter, it needs out in the open and neither one of you should be guessing about the others intentions. I would say with a cooling off period like the one you describe after such a short time coupled with the phone conversations with the other dude, it just might be that she is not as into you as you are into her. Regardless, you need to find that out now rather than later and decide where to go from there. It might be that things are getting intense way to fast and all you need to do is slow things down a bit. But one thing you better learn right now is how to communicate with each other, or save yourself the wasted time and energy of a doomed relationship.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think I would take a slightly more definitive approach.  Telling her that you are wounded or angry when she talks to this guy will just make you look threatened or childish, in her eyes.  Instead, you might take a more dignified tack.  Sit down with her and say, "I think we should cancel the holiday and take a break from seeing each other.  I feel you have some unfinished business with Harold, and you should probably pursue it so you can tell if it is real or not."  This puts the burden back onto her to behave maturely, rather than making you look immature and jealous.  If she says, "Oh, no, no, no, we're just being friendly!" you can firmly and kindly say that you feel that she and you cannot go forward successfully with this question hanging over your relationship.  How she takes this will tell you a lot.  She might go off and date the guy, and find out that he isn't much, and wonder what on earth she was thinking, to lose a great guy like you.  (If she doesn't find this out, then what are you in a relationship for, anyway?)  At the very least, this will open a whole new conversation between you.  Your posture has got to be, however, the sincere desire to help her figure out what is going on with the guy in her own mind, and why she is being the way she is with him, in order for the two of you to have no doubts.  Not recriminatory, not sulky, not angry.  Just "helpful."

My sense is that you have made it a little too unchallenging for her to be with you.  Taking this approach will regain your dignity and will also tell you what kind of intentions she really has about the relationship.

[brice1967]

Hey man, I have a story for you.  My situation is similar to yours with the exception of me being the one who ended up in the affair.

It started off innocently enough getting in contact with an ex girlfriend from highschool on a social networking site.  The things started off very slow, catching up, talking about each others families, what weve done, places we've been..... innocent. (I know fully understand how volatile a situation like that is)  I brought this communication up with my wife to let her know that I was indeed in contact with this woman and assured her that it was just talk.....

From there the relationship became a poison.  It was insidious... I ended up wrapped up in talking about the old days and basically became emotionally involved with this woman.  It only got worse from there....

With that being said, I would sit and have a heart to heart with this woman now.  Dont let this go unaddressed.  By my wife addressing my affair, it allowed me an opportunity to save my marraige.  

[MommyHJCCMM]

I am sorry for your current situation.
You need to have a serious sit down with her. Don't accuse her or give her ultimatums. Just sit down...NO tech. Just you and her, sit down on the couch or at a table...tell her how you feel about her and ask her how she feels about you. Ask her where she sees the relationship going. Ask her about your suspicisions. Her relationship with this guy. How long have they been 'friends'? ETC...
It is possible for them to be just friends...where she loves you but he has stronger feelings for her. Please let her know that this hurts you, but DO NOT tell her to end this friendship. That would do nothing but hert your relationship with her.
If she confesses that he has strong feelings for her, let her know that you are uncomfortable with it and please respect your feelings. No late night phone calls...
If she really does have feelings for him, I am sorry...but it is better to find out now than waiting another year to find out.
Good Luck