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Emotional Relationship

For about 3 months I have grown emotionally close to someone I work with and consider a friend because they are going through a stressful divorce and they would talk to me and still does talk to me all the time about what is going on. I have known this person for over 1 year though. This person and I have spent time together at and away from work and in doing so I have grown to have feelings for this person unlike anyone I have ever had feelings for. This person even told me that they love me and they always enjoy seeing me and spending time with me. I just do not want a rebound for this person with everything that he is going through. This guy has shown me he has feelings for me by buying me a Valentine's gift, buying me expensive dinners and lunches. I have told this person that until he has fully moved on from this relationship we should not be together. This person has also told me that he knows he wants to spend his life with me and that we are meant to be together because I am his soulmate. I told him that yes I have feelings for you as you do me but I am no where near wanting to spend my life with you because we are in different stages in our lives. He is 9 years older than me and has an adult daughter that is 21 and a 2 year old granddaughter. I want a family in my future and I know through conversation that he does not want any more children. Our emotions for each other are so strong that this person we have even made out to the point of almost having sex. When I am around him I have no impulse control and my feeling for him just flood over me. Every time I try to him about what is going on and where his head is he just states that he loves me and has never felt for a woman the way he feels for me. I love the way he makes me feel special and appreciated and loved and like I am the only woman for him but the ink on his paperwork is not even dry yet and he is older than me. Any good advice.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
BTW, I give you alot of credit for not having a physical relationship even though it might have been easy for both of you. It would be so much harder making the right choice for yourself had you done so. You did good. Keep it up.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I completely agree with what Londres70 and Clement4now have said. In his heart of hearts he knows that he doesn't want any more children. I understand that because i too am past the point of wanting children. So having a boy or not, he still doesn't really want to have a child, and would be happier if you already had children that were grown, and would be happier if you too wanted to be "free"of the very hands on direct responsibilities that come with parenting. The fact that he might want a boy, what about a sibling for a boy? what about what's best for you and the  child? I think that if you did get together, that down the road, he might find his most compatible partner, and leave you and your one and only child in the dust. I think he's vulnerable and not thinking this all out. . Because he has been able to rely upon your friendship and it has definitely saved him from being alone throughout the hard part of his break up and divorce, he feels "love" for you, but there are many types of love, but only one type of love lasts in a marriage, and that would be love where there is nothing happening that is incompatible , like one of the biggest issues in life, to have or not have children.

The fact is that at 36, you need to distance yourself emotionally from this situation so that you can have a clear heart and be open to meeting someone that is younger, and wanting the same HUGE thing as you, having a family that could include siblings.You have to think about you now. You've given enough of yourself and you've made a very loving and loyal friend, but that's not what you need in your life. You need a partner that's on the same page. Halfway in does not make a good dad. Been there done that attitude would be terribly hurtful to  a child.

Be tough and look out for yourself now. Time's a tickin' Be ready and on the look out for the one you need in your life now. Time to make you the priority.  It might help to hang with other single women. I would tell him that you need to back off now and look for a man closer to your age. Be honest. If he cares about you and has an ounce of sense, he'll agree he needs to back off, for your sake.  Sorry it's going to be hard, but the pay off will be great. I promise you. You don't want your child to feel like a concession that's been made. They won't thank you for it. and he or she , or both , will become the true love(s) of your life. Let us know how you're doing and all best of luck and timing that you find yourself Mr. Right.
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Avatar universal
Agree with Clement4now.  These situations are tricky especially when you have the same workplace.  

Hon, I don't think it is a good idea to have any contact with this guy because you view the relationship as being friends and he doesn't; in his mind it is more.  

Continue this and you are asking for trouble.  

BTW:  I have experienced divorce and I took 10 years off after my divorce from any serious relationships before I remarried and I am glad I did.  

I think you have helped him enough and the friendship has run its course.
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Avatar universal
Thanks Clement4now, RockRose, and Londres70. I kind of know what I should do but I just wanted to hear from individuals that have more experience in relationships than me to be a spring board for what has been going on over the past year for me. I personally do like him as a person but I do not think that him and I should be in any relationship. I do not mind spending time with him as a friend or being a shoulder to cry on but our emotional relationship has evolved into him saying that I am the woman for him and that he wants to spend his life with me but we are in different phases but he is saying that does not matter and it will work. But if we do not want the same things such as children in a relationship how can it work. I can't make a boy on my own it would take two people and I do not want that to be a indicator of our future relationship. All I can do is be a supportive friend and nothing more.
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1029273 tn?1472231494
   Intimate relationships in the work place can often go sour and become ugly; would one of you be able or willing to find employment elsewhere if this were to happen?
   This man has only been divorced for a very short while, at this point he probably isn't aware of how vulnerable he is. You being in his life has probably kept him from feeling lonely and susceptible to the pain that divorce can bring.  Even bad marriages can take time to recoup from. Usually the golden rule for people who are 'post marriage', is to wait a year before getting involved again.  There are a few reasons for this, but the main idea is to not make the same mistake twice...
   Right now, you two seem like you are on opposite levels in regard to what both of you want from relationships.  I don't see a problem with you remaining friends w/ this man, but I wouldn't take it any further than friendly at this point...
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Avatar universal
"But would it be a bad idea to fully get to know him and then if it's not going to work then tix the whole thing?".............I am not sure what else you need to know to "get to know him."  I am sure you have enough information to make a decision after knowing him for a year already.  You know this isn't good so why continue on?  

It's strange he said he didn't want any more children and then he said he would want a boy if he had more children, however, that just proves how iffy/fickle this man can be and that is understandable being that he just ended a marriage.  He's not in a good place in regards to starting a new relationship and you know this.

He needs time to heal and you need to allow that to happen even if he is pressing the issue of you two becoming a couple.  

Again, you know enough to make a sound, intelligent decision at this point and that is letting this one go.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
This isn't the guy for you,  Artemis.  It's like he's created this fantasy lala land in his head.  I don't believe in "soul mates",  at all,  and find that usually once the dust settles,  "soul mates" despise each other,  because they were never seeing the other person clearly from the beginning.

When he says he doesn't want any more kids and then goes on to say he would be good with you getting pregnant but he would want it to be a boy - is really odd thinking.  You can't choose the gender.  What would he do if it was a girl?  

I do get it,  though,  that he "wants to live his life".  I think once you raise kids you just don't want to do it again.  You look forward to enjoying grandkids but I wouldn't start over again with a new baby for all the money in the world.  No thanks.  So maybe that's what he's thinking.  It's time for freedom.
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Avatar universal
We really don't have a real relationship yet in my opinion but in his we do. He needs to handle his life issues before we even remotely have a chance. But I will say this there is a lot of uncertainty and I don't know what will happen or even if we will have a chance to workout as a couple. But would it be a bad idea to fully get to know him and then if it's not going to work then tix the whole thing?
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
The comment "now he wants to live his life" because earlier he had to deal with a baby or little kids, again a big red flag.  Try to meet someone else.  My guess is your relationship has a big streak of unreality in it.
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Avatar universal
He is actually finally divorced and has been for 3.5 weeks but to me that is not a long time to be wanting to date someone on a serious level like he wants to.
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Avatar universal
I like him and would not mind dating him but I do want a child if I can find the right man to marry and make a family with. I do not want a baby daddy and that is why I do not have any kids at my current age. He is actually divorced but it has only been for 3.5 weeks. So that is why I make the comment that the ink is not really dry yet on his divorce papers. But we have been friends before and during his divorce but it got more emotionally intense as his relationship ended and the divorce was in process and then finally had occurred. He said if him and I were a couple and I got off birth control and I got pregnant that he would be happy to have a child but that he would want the child to be a boy since he only had a daughter. Personally I do not plan to get off birth control until I am married to a man not before. But I am trying not to jump into anything because I need to get to know him more not being in a heartbroken mind frame.
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Avatar universal
I just turned 33 this week and he is about to turn 42 this month. I am not that young but we have talked about being a couple hypothetically and he has told me that he does not want any children because his daughter is an adult and he does not want to have to deal with a baby or little kids because he had to when he was 20 and now he wants to live his life because he did not get to in his 20s.
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Avatar universal
Agree with AB.

How old are you and how is he?  You sound young.  If you are at different stages in your lives then I really can't see this working in the long run.  Besides, can you see yourself stepmother to a 21 year old and a step-grandmother to a 2 year old at your age?

He needs time to heal in regards to his divorce; now and after the ink is dried on the papers.  

I wouldn't get deeper involved with him.  It probably would be a good idea to distance yourself from this a bit.
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13167 tn?1327194124
Are you sure he's actually going through a divorce?  As in,  you know his wife and she also states she's going through a divorce?
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134578 tn?1642048000
Is he divorced yet or is it still in process?  If he is officially and legally divorced, would not let the age difference weigh on my mind for dating a guy I loved.  A recent divorce with the ink not even dry is a red flag, he might only feel he loves you because things have been bad for him so recently and you have been so sympathetic.  People in need are easy to befriend.  You want to know what he is like when he is not in need or in pain.  

But the real problem is that he wants no more children and you do.  For me, that would be a deal-breaker.  Feel like dating him with no hope for the future?
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