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Emotional/Verbal abuse

I have been married for almost 2  1/2 years, known him for 3.... I feel I jumped the gun in marriage.  My husband is very controlling in nature, his personality is large and so are his opinions.  I have been reading a book about controlling people and it is him to a T.  I am his dream girl, he is so connected to me, I am his everything.  He said all the right things when we were dating, but something switched in him when we got engaged, pregnant, married.  Every disagreement we have turns into that I am a negative person, I ruin everything, I should be grateful, and why can't I ever just be normal and happy.  This even happens when I say I was offended by something he said or that I don't understand what he is getting at with a certain statement.  It escalated to him calling me a *****, a bad mother, wife, and he has had enough of me being like this and can't see us married any longer.  That was enough for me and I put my foot down, so he changed his way for a bit and doesn't call me a ***** anymore.  He now calls me a questionable mother and even said he was so mad at me he can't stand to even look at my f%&king face.  When he said that, I asked him if he wanted my rings back.  He closed his eyes and wouldn't look or answer me.  So I placed them by him.  He put them back on my pillow once I left but I haven't put them on since and he hasn't talked to me since.
I am at a loss of what to do...we have a blended family..his son, my son, our son.  This would tear them apart emotionally.  I can't handle this anymore!! He wants me to be the smiling housewife at the door to great him with a giant hug, with our son in my arms.  This is a completely unrealistic expectation, which I would never be given the same gratitude when I enter.  When I beg for support he is never there, unless I say that there is some deficiency with myself...but even still I am expected to change!  Has anyone ever experienced this?? Do they ever change??
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I think that you've been given something for you to think about here. If you are being called "negative" then i think you need to consider how that title has come about.

I was a little confused, when you said "  I can't handle this anymore!! He wants me to be the smiling housewife at the door to great him with a giant hug, with our son in my arms.  This is a completely unrealistic expectation|

I don't think that this is an unrealistic expectation at all , i think it would benefit you to shoot for this.



I need clarification about one point you made. You've said ", which I would never be given the same gratitude when I enter.  When I beg for support he is never there, unless I say that there is some deficiency with myself...but even still I am expected to change!"

I think what you're getting to here is the reason why you say you can't be that happy wife, with babe in arms, saying have a nice day.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by, "I beg him for support, he is never there unless I say there is some deficiency with myself" What do you mean by this ?
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I forgot to add:  you say he calls you negative,  EVEN,  when you say you're offended and you don't get what he's saying.  

You don't say he calls you negative when you say stuff like you look great in those jeans,  I love our house,  thank you for making it possible for me to stay home and raise our kids,  etc.  

Of course he says you're negative when you say negative things.
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13167 tn?1327194124
Why can't you be at the door with your son in your arms to greet him at the end of the day with a giant hug?  (Serious question).  Try that several days,  and see if you won't be given "the same gratitude" when you enter.  

You two aren't in a race to see who can treat each other the worst and get away with it,  your life would be happier if you tried to each outdo treating the other nicely.  Somehow,  as a culture,  we've decided our partners don't deserve to see our best selves.

Nothing makes a man happier than a contented grateful woman.  Happy wife,  happy life.  It's true.  Men aren't complicated.  Express respect and gratitude and you won't believe how nice they will treat you.  (Not mentally ill men,  or psychotic men,  but I strongly sense your husband isn't either of those).

So.  Get "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,  and read it,  and do it for a month.  You won't believe how easy it is to please your husband,  and he will please you in return.

Or,  you could keep going in this direction and be divorced in a year.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, I agree that counseling is important for the two of you.  I also encourage you not to have discussions with him when you are thinking he is being verbally abusive as it agitates the situation.  Wait until later and speak to him about it rather than in the heat of the moment.  Use I statements rather than you statements.  I feel, I'm aware, I'm confused, etc.  This often leads to better discussion than when someone is put on the defensive with You did this, you said this, you do this, etc.  

It's hard but try to go to counseling.  If he won't go, go yourself.  good luck and let us know how it goes.  
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
I think that you both owe it to the marriage to get into some counseling. You gave him his rings back, and he didn't accept the easy out. He wants to stay married, so it seems. It sounds like he's confused, you were saying in another post that he's being manipulated by his son, and that's got to hurt (him). and frustrate him to the point no doubt of taking it out on you. (can he justify getting angry at a little boy?) It sounds like your husband needs to ground rules on how to communicate assertively. It doesn't sound like he knows how to effectively communicate and he needs help. This doesn't have to mean that he doesn't love you, just that he needs help to make himself heard. And let's face it, in all marriages there are times that we could all use a little help in communicating assertively and not passive aggressively. It happen. It's not a big deal to go to counseling and get a few pointers. If not, i'm afraid that you may be pulled apart and it would be best for all the kids if you all could stop that from happening. There's been enough changes in their young lives. They need you two to get this right, and learn how to teach them to be assertive, in their lives moving forward. No time like the present to get working of the cure.
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