Ever been in this situation?

[specialmom]

So, you have a friend and they are making some decisions that you are not in agreement with. Examples would be to date a married man, use substance when there is a known problem, getting hit by a partner they won't leave.  Hard stuff.  What do you do?  When you know they are on a self destructive path it is hard to sit by quietly.  Ever been in that situation?

[Barb135]

SM, I've had the same problem with family members; all you can do is the best you can do.  Like DS says - it's hard for people to face you when they know you're right, so they'll try to stay away from you.   There "has" been that rare occasion I've had them come back and tell me they wish they'd have listened.  I've even ignored advice and later wished I hadn't.  Some of us have to learn the hard way by experiencing our own mistakes.  That's not always a bad thing because that's when they make a lasting impression.

[dominosarah]

They distance themselves because they know you are right.  It is hard to face somebody who has caught on to their situation.  It is embarrassing for the ones going thru it.  No excuse but reality.  It was no different for me when i was using.  Anyone who had even a slightest inkling that i was using i left in the dust.  It was easier to run and i hadnt figured out yet that you can run, you just cant hide.  It all comes out in the end.

[specialmom]

I've been in this situation in different ways.  I have a friend who has a child that clearly has a delay or learning disability or 'something'.  She has always been concerned but never acted.  I urged her to pursue investigating this.  Several times with suggestions (as I've been through diagnosing a child myself).  Finally, she got pretty upset with me.  So, I dropped it.  I bite my tongue and ONLY listen.  It's now 5 years later and she is in panic mode.  She just told me she is going to have him assessed for disabilities and learning disorders.  Which is great and all, but with all the time lost, it's difficult to get IEP's, and catch up from what he's not caught onto thus far without any intervention.  I STILL JUST listen.  

I had a friend whose husband was cheating on her.  I helped her get a fund together and a plan to leave.  She had no income whatsoever and that can make a woman feel very trapped.  We had it all laid out and then she just didn't speak of it all again.  Ever.  They are still together.  He still has a girlfriend.  Her life.  I stay silent.  

I have a family member spending all their money.  Money they do not have.  To the point that their home is in jeopardy.  But they have a brand new car.  Just bought.  And new this.  And new that.  Like a sickness.  I KNOW that they are pretty soon to be in a situation in which their world could crumble.  But trying to help is really hard. So, I plant seeds.  Little ideas or thoughts that could blossom. Because with so many people I care about, when I get too much with telling them what I think, they explode.  And then they distance.  (Denial can do this, right?)  ugh, it's hard in these moments!

[Barb135]

I agree with Sarah - get the ducks lined up, present the argument and information, then let the person make the decision they're going to make.  At least, I will have done the best I could to steer them in the right direction.

[dominosarah]

Yes, yes and yes.  What do i do?  I talk openly and honestly with them.  I do my homework before hand so when i present my opinion or thoughts i have numbers, agencies etc layed out to give the person the option to either take my advice or leave it.  I want them to know help is out there and where to get it.  The hardest part when dealing with situations like you mentioned is it is up to the person to do the changing and that only happens when the time is right for them.