Extreme Insecurity PLEASE HELP

[fancypaws]

I have had insecurity problems since as far back as I could remember. I will not walk out of the house enless my makeup, hair and outfit is perfect. When I go to a resturaunt or any public place I go straight to the bathroom to check my makeup. I will not go places if I know attractive girls will be there.  I have complete strangers tell me I am goregous and have even been mistaken for a model on a few occasions. So why am I so insecure? I am not sure if it has something to do with my childhood? My father left my mother and I when I was five. He was a drug addict and very abusive to my mother. My mother then married my step father when I was 7.He was very protective over my mother and I. He even became abusive later on in thier relationship. My mother and step father were alcoholics and wouls get  very mean with me. My mother kicked me out at age 16 and forced me to live with my dad. I became a very big partier. I believe my excessive drinkin had alot to do with coping in social situation because I was so insecure. I began sleeping with alot of people. Between the ages of 16 and 18 i had around 30 one night stands ( all alcohol induced). I moved back home where I met my fiance. We have been together for a year now and have a daughter together. He is amazing to me and is the greatest dad. He is very trustworthy and has proven this to me in many ways. He does everything I could ever ask for and more. We are crazy in love and have been since day one. We both knew we were perfect for each other. I am his first relationship and he is my first "serious" relationship. In the begining he was the insecure one. People would always give him a hard time about me being to attractive for him and he would not like for me to go places alone because of guys always hitting on me. But now I have turned into the crazy one. I dont let him talk to other woman.. I get uncomfortable when attractive woman are on tv.. I check his phone and facebook constantly. I contantly bring up girls he has had sex with before he met me. I hate myself for doing this. I want to be the perfect wife for him but I cant help my jealousy and insecurity. PLEASE HELP. Any advice you can give me.

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, if you suffer from some anxiety and a touch of depression, you are in good company.  One in 4 American adults also have this.  I will tell you that what you describe after having your baby, I did as well with my first child.  I had this 'extra' adrenaline and desire for things to be perfect.  Less so with myself than with my  home and my baby.  But none the less, it took a bit of time for me to relax after the baby came.  But you describe this as more of your pattern than a phase.  

If you have insurance, I'd suggest seeing a psychologist for some talk therapy to look at how you view yourself and the world.  Many women who suffer anxiety and things like eating disorders such as anorexia have the same perfectionism and low self concept in which the outside (how we appear with regards to how we look, our home, our work, etc.) rules.  If anxiety is the driving force behind it, it will feel so much better to address it.  And after a baby when our hormones are high, it can often worsen.  So please consider talking to someone about it.  If medication is required, the good news is that they have so many options these days that are far better than what was available in the past.  You'll have to see a doctor if that is necessary but your therapist would be able to point you in that direction when the time comes.

It does sound like you have a really supportive boyfriend which is great.  That will help.  And I'd also suggest maybe joining some mom's groups.  MOPS international is one that is run out of churches (you don't have to be a member of the church as it is open to the public).  I made some really good friends there and it is a good support network.  I'm sure you have lots of friends, but I think the more you have the better to feel supported and that others care about you for you.  

I'll tell you how perfectionism affected me in a similar way.  I grew up with a mother that had a perfect home and it had to be that way.  Very anal about how things were kept.  So . . . if my house is not that way------ I start to get nervous.  And with two wild and crazy kids and my low energy (sorry to say)----  it has been hard for me to always have a perfect house.  So . . . people can't come over.  I didn't realize I was doing it but I would not have anyone over.  And if someone stopped in---------  panic attack.  When I started to think about it-------  I WANT to be the home that has lots of people in it, visitors, friends, family---------  and my anxiety was keeping me from it.  No one but me cared if there was junk on the counter or toys on the floor.  My anxiety was causing me to not have the kind of life I wanted.  

Now, my home is not perfect but I take a big gulp and pick up that phone and invite people over.  I think you may need a little help getting there but I hope that you can take a big gulp and be happy with things as they are without anxiety over it.  good luck

[Alex_X_18]

girls with confidence will appear more beutiful than models playboys and sirens combined I see where you are comming from though............

You wanna be the best you would feel validated knowing or having been told the you are better than every girl he has ever dated or slept with you also wanna be the best in others eyes as well I am not here to critisize but this is unrealistic (to be the best at everything I mean) nobody is perfect if you want this you will only be disapointed
although,......my heart goes out to you
personaly I feel I used to have a very similar problem in realtionships
I tried checking your profile I don't know how old you are but if this is your first serious relstionship you are most likely around my age group some of the insecurities are normal for the first serious boyfriend because alot of times with the first guy women don't know what to expect,....some things guys do are normal
and common
like having fantasies about all kinds of women in general, or being less emotional,
going through in initial change after the first spark wears off.
Others aren't or are not a good sign like having to work late alot suddenly not calling when they normly would or mentioning a particular female friend alot
and its best if you can learn over time to spot these things early on
so you can generaly know if you have a decent or reasonable guy or know if something
is going on
I can pretty much promise you that these problems will lessen as you get older and have more serious relationships with men in general
I used to feel like I had to be the best too.....particuarly in my first relationhsip now I relaise its not being the best thats important its being the last
it doesn't matter if others are better at anything better in bed or better at sports school or video games
generaly I look at what the person says and go yeah thats true
I'm very spirtual and I receive signs When I'm in the right place and warnings
when I'm not or when something will go wrong
and have come to terms with I'm me and thats who I'm ment to be
If I was ment to be someone else I would be. fin

'nuff about me tho and back to your problem

sounds like codependancy to me (menaing your dependant on others and what they think or how they act involving you ect)
the goal here is to stand on your own with as little support from others as possible
there are a few things you can try to reach this

first off you can try therapy (with or without your bf because either would be acceptable at this point) although knowing your bfs perspective may help you come to terms with some of this but make sure he would be ok with going to therapy first. Try and think of this as normal self improvement I went through therapy and it helped me in more ways than I could have possibly imagined.


the second approach is doable but I personaly don't think its as good as the first
I would first like to recomend seeing a phychitrist (I think you should do this but not nessisarly for the long term) try seeing one first (but please make sure its someone you are comfortable with) I can't begin to stress how important this is if something strikes you as off or you don't trust this person, start over and find someone new. If you want advice from others there are sites that rate doctors therapists and professionals in general its a good way to know if someone has the paitents intrest in mind or is a total quack. (Going to one is generaly a good idea) Go for one visit first, the phych will get background history and talk about common issues then they can test you for any type of phychological disorder that could cause things like this or they can refer you to someone who can. If and when you have a diagnosis do some reasearch on the basic symptoms. Does this sound like you? Ask others around you if it does. If you feel that its not try going to another phychitrist or testing facility of some sort. (this should help clear up some answers) If you are diagnosed with anything medication may be perscribed to help (be forewarned) It can take years to find the right drug it does not always happen right away. Drugs may calm the anxiety you have or you may use them them stop or not need them at all. Rember that everyone is diffrent.

for your third option you could try somthing holicstic or less conventional.
Meditation will very much calm your mind and there are centers where you could take lessons and I could see this being a big help. You could possibly go to a hypnotist who will relax you into sub conscious mind this area of the brain contains information that you may already know and questions you already know the answer to but could possibly be blocked from the concious mind (the part you use when functional and awake) from there he will give suggestions or tell you things having to do with your current ploblems you might not know or understand these things are there, but once he or she does this it will be imprinted in your brain. If you feel the problem is more body chemistry or things along the line of phychological you could treat the aniexty and bad moods with herbs or vitamins like kava kava, vervain, valerian, melationin, 5htp, niacain, vitmain b6.....the list goes on. Or you might try acupuncture which is an amazing and inceible expreice physchial without the benifits alone.

Lastly you can try getting into hobbies it may halp serve as a distraction. or spirtuality or religion personaly I don't know what religion you are but I think prayer to anything could help god buddah alah other deites whatever.......

this is the best advice I could possubly give
hope it helps
Alex potts  

[fancypaws]

Thanks so much for the advice instead of attacking me. I really appreciate it. My family has a history of depression, anxiety, bipolar.. I thought I had escaped it all until now. I know I care way to much about what others think of me and what I look like.. I dont need to be told. I'm just concerned at this point if I need help. My fiance tells me he would only leave me if I cheated on him. And that my looks have never mattered to him. He is the one who actually brought up the question of my insecurity and trust issues possibly being a result of my childhood. I try to be perfect in every way not just appearance. I will spend hours making dinner and cleaning the house each day. The night after I had our baby I was on my hands and knees in the bathrooms scrubbing the toilets because they were not cleaned before we left for the hospital. No one tells me to do these things.. I just feel as if I have to.

[specialmom]

One other question, do you think you might suffer actual anxiety at this point?  

[specialmom]

I never watch Oprah anymore but got home this yesterday afternoon and turned it on.  Gues what it was about?  Exactly what rockrose has mentioned.  It is actually quite true what she is saying.

Now, I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling like you need to be "put together" when you leave your house--------  quite frankly, I'm sure my neighbors wished I was more like that when I walk my kids to the bus stop in the morning!  But . .. and this is a big but------ if the idea of not looking good makes you anxious and nervous, then it is a problem.  

I remember when I was dating my now husband and we started to spend the night together.  Oh the horror . . . what would he think of me in the morning???!!!!  I actually had a little bag of "fix up stuff" to make myself beautiful again and I'd get up before him, sneak to the bathrom, make myself back up and come back and act like I always look like that with fresh lip goss in the morning!  Lordy, you should see me now with my hubby!  I'm lucky if my pj's match.  But he doesn't notice and probably thinks it is more normal then when I'd disappear with morning breath and come back like a trident commercial.  

Okay, so back to the idea of insecurity.  I've felt like that a bit when other beautiful women are around.  I think what gives me confidence is knowing that I'm an original.  My husband likes many things about me beyond looks.  He thinks I'm hysterically funny and kind of smart.  He likes that about me.  So, you need to think about what your boyfriend sees in you that no other can match.  Are you nice?  Do you make him laugh?  Do you have great conversation?  Are you good with kids so he could see you as mother of his kids?  Etc.  Build up all of those things and think about that when another gorgous woman walks by.  He may glance but they can't match what you have on the inside.  

And if this persists, see a therapist.  You don't want it to derail your relationship.  good luck

[fancypaws]

hmm... thanks for the "advice". I guess this is a big hobby for you??

[RockRose]

I'm in my 50's,  and let me tell you,  beauty fades.  If you are basing your self worth on your attractiveness,  you are fighting a losing battle,  sweetheart.   Never in your post do you mention being unsure of your abilities,  or your personality.  You are completely hung up on how you look,  which will eventually make you terribly boring.  

In my experience,  girls who are very pretty often don't develop anything else - and they end up being very boring company.  Women who have average looks,  or who are unattractive,   are much more likely - in my experience - to work on developing personalities and skills that make them sought-after.

I think you need to work on taking your focus off yourself.  That's what this kind of self-consciousness is - it's complete self-absorption.  It's not shyness,  it's complete self-focus.  

If you want to have a fulfilling,  blessed life with lots of friends and lots of accomplishments, you need to stop thinking of yourself all the time and whether or not you are the most attractive woman in the room,  and begin being very interested in the other people,  and what they are doing and discussing that is fulfilling and interesting.