Extremely Confused

[Tricia2812]

I have a huge dilemma in my life right now, and I really need some advice. I met my now fiancé 9 months ago. We got engaged after 4 months. I know that's super early, but it felt so right. My family was ok with it, so it was all fine. We've had a lot or rocky times since then. Fights, etc etc. I've had a bad past with relationships, so I'm a bit scarred. Anyways, my fiancé has 2 kids. They at the time lived in another state. Well here we are in January of 2012, and we are 5 1/2 months away from our wedding, and just 3 weeks ago his 2 kids ages 5&6 moved in with us. It seems right now it's only a temporary situation.

At the beginning, I was over the moon excited about them coming. I was so happy. I quit my job to stay at home with them. Something I've always wanted to do. But now. Im just so incredibly overwhelmed. I don't have any kids of my own, but I just never thought I'd feel the way I do. It's terrible. I'm questioning my future marriage with my fiancé, as well as being a step mom to these kids. They already call me mommy and it just makes me fel numb.

I've been thinking so much about my ex, and how much I miss the life we had. It was a lot of bad times, but when things were good, they were good. It was an easy life. No kids. Just us. I'm thinking about it all at this second, and I just want to run back to my ex.

My family loves my fiancé and his kids so very very much. It's nice to see them react with the kids. My parents love being grandparents.

I'm just do confused. Ivectold my fiancé how I feel and he's vowed to make sure I feel good etc etc. I didn't tell him about my ex of course, but I told him how I feel overwhelmed etc.

Please help with any advice. A part of me doesn't want to leave my fiancé, because I know he does love me. But I'm just so confused. I've been in a medication for the last 6 months that has a side effect of depression and mood swings, so I stopped them yesterday. So hopefully that will help. We will see.

Please help me. I'm desperate for advice.

Thank you.

[Miss_Direct]

Hi i completely understand why your confused bbut if you have had bad experiences before compare those to yourself now.  Dont overwhelm yourself its clear u want to help but put yourself first!

[specialmom]

Oh, you are so very welcome.  We have to take care of ourselves in life and I'm proud of you, I really am.  It would be easy to just go with the flow here and let things spiral out of control.  You are being very adult about this and I commend you.  You'll be fine.  Just do what you know is right in your heart.  Peace

[Tricia2812]

Thank you so much for giving me your advice on it. I really appreciate it. I agree with you wholeheartedly. They need to go back with their mother for their sake. I need to figure out what I truly want, and my fiancé needs to do the same with himself. I'm not going to continue doing things that make me feel uncomfortable.

As of right now, the kids are scheduled to go back to their mother on March the 21st. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that relieves me a lot. I've got my mother telling me that the kids are blessings to me, and that she feels sad things have been soup and down with me and my fiancé. I know shes upset about them leaving, but she doesnt get it. I really feel she is trying to get me to change my mind about keeping them here, but in my heart I just can't do it. This environment isn't right for them right now. I love my mom, and I hate knowing she's sad, but I have to do what's right for me.

Thank you again. The feedback really helps.

[specialmom]

Hi.  I'd say that the kids are already suffering a bit of emotional turmoil over things just based on the 6 year old crying about you going to the store.  Hon, that is not a normal response.  That is being overly emotional and sign that she feels unstable right now in her surroundings.  

I think in all honesty, that it IS the best thing to let these kids go back to their mother.  I think it is in their best interest as well as yours.  It will most likely be the end of your relationship because your fiance will always have these kids to worry about whether he is having a bad time of it or not.  

I think you will be happier finding a man without kids.  And if you some issues surounding kids resolve for you, it will be better to have your own.  

At this time, kids are not something that feels right to you.  They WILL sense that and it messes with their heads.

Do not feel guilty because doing something in the best interest of others especially when it is so hard is being giving and kind and unselfish.  You can't care for them now-----  be honest with everyone and let them know this.  Better for them to move on with life than to be in limbo like this.  goodluck

[Tricia2812]

I just want to know what others think. The children came to live with us because their mother wanted to be fair, as well as get her life on track.  The man I'm engaged too has been in a whirlwind of emotions and life struggles ever since his brother died because of an unfortunate circumstance.

All I want to know is this:  I know it may look bad going back and forth, which they won't be, but is it truly selfish to send those kids back to figure out if this is exactly the life I want? I don't want them around to  have to go through this uncertainty. They love me so much. The 6 year old started balling her eyes out when I said in was leaving. She thought I was going for good, but I was just leaving to go to the store.  

I just want the kids to be in a happy place, and being in my house isn't the best place right now. I'd like to get everything situated and sure before I dedicate myself to them. Id rather leave my fiance without his kids around. That way the kids wont be stuck in the middle of it. I just cant seem to leave him with the kids here. My fiance works 70  hours a week, and he's never home as it is, so there would be nobody to take care of his kids if I leave today. I don't want to hurt the kids. Plus since my fiancé has a job that needs him often, it would put his job in jeopardy. I'm only trying to be fair.

Please advice.... I need opinions

I just want to know if what I'm doing is bad.

[Londres70]

Ditto TTinKKerBBell; 100% "on the money."  Please "listen" to yourself.  

Please reread all your posts and then you will REALIZE you know you NEED to leave, well, that's what I HOPE you realize.  

"I just know she doesn't want to see this relationship go. She loves my fiancé like her own son."  You are the one who has to deal with him and his situation, not your mother.  Is this man WORTH having a "nervous breakdown?"  If you tell the therapist all that you have told us, I don't think he/she would encourage you staying and that goes the same for your mother.  

"She did say not to make any decisions until I actually figure out the best thing to do"..........well.....that's NOT telling you to stay.

I am not sure if you are trying to "save face" by staying in this and going through with the marriage or not because of what others might think or say if you "back out." It is almost like you are trying to prove some irrational point.  

I just think any rational person would be out of this regardless of the money invested into the wedding, an appartment lease, etc.  All that can be dealt with later.  Sure, your financial situation might take a hit, BUT YOUR PEACE OF MIND AND SANITY ARE PRICELESS.  

Like I thought and said in the beginning, the relationship developed TOO QUICKLY; whirlwind and you HAD no IDEA what you were getting into.  

[specialmom]

Sometimes things that start off looking too perfect are substantially flawed.  I'm glad your mother is supportive but this is about you being able to say that you can't handle this.  

I think that your boyfriend has a character flaw as does his ex wife.  He doesn't want to take care of his kids himself and has you doing it and the ex doesn't want them either.  These are the types of people you read about  in bad novels.  Selfish and irresponsible.  

Your boyfriend should look a lot less perfect or even desirable in your eyes after this.

It is okay to say that this situation isn't right for you.  good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

I can't think of much more advice anyone can give You.  Everyone here votes for You to move on yet You continue to express the same concerns in each post regarding Your emotional/mental health:

You've said You're "broken",
You've said You "want out",
You've said You "can't deal with it",
You've said You're "losing it", etc., etc.

This is pretty strong language.  If You won't listen to the posters here, perhaps You should listen to YourSelf!!  The parents seem not to measure up for these kids either. You've expressed a couple of times how much Your Mother loves these kids - (as if that's reason You should stay??)maybe She should take them and save You the nervous breakdown You may be headed for.

[Tricia2812]

I have never been in a situation like this before. This is the first relationship I've been in, that happened this fast. My mother loves those kids very much. She fell in love with them right away. She said she would support me with whatever way I decide to go. I just know that about her. She is always there anytime I need her. She would take my side over anybody. I just know she doesn't want to see this relationship go. She loves my fiancé like her own son. And she loves those kids more than anything. And yes. She did say not to make any decisions until I actually figure out the best thing to do.

And I do have a therapy appt next week. I'm glad I'll be able to fiona.ly talk to someone about this. I need some advie very bad.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Are You sure You've been straightforward with Your Mother about this situation?  I agree with Londres70 - one would expect Your Mother to be supportive if You've been straight with Her.  Your emotional and mental health is much more important than any dollars already spent toward a wedding that obviously should not take place - any loving Mother would agree!!  I'm sure Your parents would rather see the wedding called off than to see a divorce or an emotional/mental breakdown in the future.  You're saying NOW that You "can't deal with this anymore" and  "I'm about to lose it......"  

Don't make matters worse by adding a wedding/marriage to this mix.

Don't feel guilt for backing out on this.  This is more than most anyone would be willing to take on.  To go forward would be very foolish.

[Londres70]

You need to get out of there and then call CPS.  

Do you have any friends who you can stay with?  Can you get your old position back at all?

You have NO savings?  Nothing?  

What do you mean your mother is acting like she doesn't want you to leave him?  Did she ACTUALLY say that?  The only reason I can think she would feel this way is if you have done this sort of thing numerous times before and she doesn't want to be involved.  Even if that is so, that would be terrible a mother wouldn't help her daughter out of a situation like this.

Unfortunately, you got sucked into some serious drama.  

[Tricia2812]

I'm so broken. I've called my therapist back. I really need help about this. I have so much invested money  with this fool of a fiancé. We have bills together. We have an apartment and I just want out. I'm still here for some ungodly reason. I feel bad with all the money invested in my wedding that my parents put in for it. I just have this horrible overwhelming feeling and I want to go, but my mom keeps offering solutions for everything. It's like she doesn't want me to leave him. Why I don't know. But I want to go.

I'm about to lose it....

[specialmom]

Oh, I so agree that you need to extricate yourself out of this situation.  I feel sad for these kids as well as dad seems about as troubled as mom.  Neither parent wants to really take care of the kids they made.  I think you should move on to find a true partner that doesn't 'need' anything from you.  

You are going to be alright. We all make mistakes.  Move on and just chalk this up to a life lesson.  This situation is not worth your sanity or all of this self doubt.  It's not your fault, I too think you were used.  So move on and get your life back.  Peace

[TTinKKerBBell]

I'm sympathetic to these Children,  They have a Mom and a Dad who BOTH are not putting their Children first.  
The Children are THEIR responsibility, not Yours.
You are NOT a horrible person.
You should go home.

[Tricia2812]

It's hopeless. Absolutely hopeless. I really feel like ive been used. Things just keep getting worse. He just had a big issue with his job, they took away a lot of his paycheck and now he has no money for a whole month. He demands his kids are staying here and that's final. Ok fine. That's not my say. So I tell him I'm feeling uncared for, and hurt etc. and then he tells me I'm being manipulative by wanting to have him do things my way. Im a horrible person for that. He says i made him quit smoking, so im a manipulative person. He's just an all around awfully mean person. Its morning time, and he won't get off the couch to get his kids off to school. He says he will handle it, yet he's still laying there. He says he doesnt have motivation. I don't even know if I can stay around anymore. I think it's time for me to leave this situation. I just can't handle this anymore.

[Hunny25]

So umm let me get this right shes not able n he works long hours n cant deal with them himself u had a job...so how was he able to let them come unless he always planned on asking you to care for them....after u are married n its harder to leave he might bring them back again my advise is hold out or the marriage for now love and care about urself first dont let no man suck you into anything try to trick or take advantage of you

[Londres70]

Sounds like you are going to have a nervous breakdown over this.  I was afraid their mother wasn't going to be able to take them back at this time.  You need to address your mental health now; like yesterday.  Let your fiance and his ex figure out what to do with the children.  As RockRose has pointed out they are NOT your responsibility.  Meanwhile, separate yourself away from all this and GET SOME HELP ASAP.  I don't think the bc medication is causing all this emotion; I think you have some serious mental issues that need to be addressed with a therapist.  

Everyone that has posted saw that dealing with the children was going to be a major issue for you.  It is APPARENT you can't take care of them.  Whether you stay or not is your choice.  Speaking as a stemom, IT DOESN'T GET EASIER NOR IS IT EASY.  I am more comfortable being a stepmom, but it is NOT EASY.  TRUST ME.  

For your own mental health and in order to address your issues, step away from all this and sort things out.  Sounds like you are person that just can't deal with children.  I will leave that for you and your therapist to sort out and determine.  I am not sure if you are having a "bad patch" here and you would be better able to handle this over time or what.  Perhaps after therapy  and meds you would be able to handle this and perhaps not.  If you don't want chaos and have the need to CONTROL every situation that you are in, don't have children and definitely don't marry someone with them because you would have "0" control over them in that situation.  

I just think the relationship developed too quickly and you didn't realize what you were getting involved in and now you are reaping the consequences.  That's why I asked if you have done this in your other relationships before.  Plus, you need to be addressing this issue with Emetophobia which I don't think you have been addressing with a therapist.  I am surprised you aren't taking meds for this.  Sometimes meds can make a "world of difference."  

People suffering with this Emetophobia have issues with control which sounds like you feel you DON'T have being in this situation with the bf/fiance; everything is spinning around you and NOT in your control.  

[RockRose]

Tricia,  this is a true crisis.  The children's mother doesn't want them,  and their father can't take care of them because he works 60 hours a week and that's  probably the reason he hooked up with you so fast - so he would have a caretaker for his children.

You're unable to care for them due to anxiety issues,  and in fact they're not your responsibility,  and the children's own parents are unwilling to change anything about their selfish lifestyles to recognize their responsibilities to care for their own children.

This is the time to call CPS.  The parents don't want to take care of them,  and it's not your job to do so,  and you're unable.

Best wishes.  

[Tricia2812]

I think it's starting to come to light, that I can't handle a man with kids. I need someone with no baggage. Instead of getting easier and easier, it's gettin harder and harder.

[Tricia2812]

Ive been thinking about it all day. Its literally making me not abble to eat. Not able to smile, function, nor do anything normally. The childrens mother isnt able to take them back. She said she isn't ready for them. Shes trying to get herself together, and so she said their father needs to care for them for a while. She said that she will take them back, just not now. Plus she said she would even move to our state. I just don't know if I can handle it. I'm losing it more and more every minute. I look at those kids, and I don't feel the way I did in the beginning. I don't know why. This emetophobia *****. I'm so freaked out about that. I'm giving them vitamins, and I make them wash their hands constantly. I just hate it so much...

I know I really need help, but I just don't know what to do about everything else. This phobia has been in my life for the longest time...

I'm losing it, and watching everything waste away...

[RockRose]

Tricia, I have withheld commenting because I kind of have a different take on this.

I think you should back away from this relationship and not get married.

The anxiety and stress comes out loud and clear in your post,  it's painful to read.

It sounds to me,  based on your parents openly welcoming these children that they are fairly well behaved,  enjoyable children.  

In my experience with parenting,  their age is the easiest age there is.  They're out of diapers and fussiness,  and they haven't hit the preteen and teen years yet.

I really believe strongly these children won't get easier for you.  They're about as easy now as they'll ever be,  they'll just get more difficult truthfully.

I was interested in your comment that you have emetophobia.  in my experience,  that's a serious control issue,  and indicates a true difficulty you may have with not being completely in control of your circumstances all the time - something mothers are totally powerless to make happen.  

This is moving way too fast - and you are reacting as strongly as possible in the opposite direction.  Before you invest more time and commitment,  I really think you need to search  your soul about whether you're taking on something you'll never be ready for.

Best wishes.

[specialmom]

Oh, yes, this is a public forum and everyone is allowed to post advice that they feel applies to the situation and that is all anyone has done here.  

We can't ask someone to not post.  That isn't fair just because we don't like what they said or how they said it  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I know as much about Your situation as You posted.   l'm entitled to my opinion based on information You supplied.  You not only don't have to like my opinion You don't have to apply it either - Your choice. No need to be offended by anything I said.  I made no judgement of You - I simply cast my vote for the Children.  Otherwise, I said all I have to say - so - not to worry about more response from me.  Your welcome.

[Tricia2812]

Do me a favor, don't respond to my post. You don't even know my situation, so don't bother responding. Thanks