Father & Daughter Realtionship ...What`s normal?

[kindredspirit52]

I am 52yrs old & I have recently moved in with my 54yrs old bf who is Dutch. I have 2 Sons & he has a 22 yrs old Son & a 20yr old Daughter. We both lost our Fathers at a young age 8yrs & 10yrs.

The Daughter lives with us a few days a week & spends the rest of the time at Uni & her Mothers. The Son is at Uni & doesn`t have a close relationship with his Dad.

I am struggling with how he is with his Daughter, she can do no wrong but what really bothers me is they are all over each other on the sofa, him on top of her tickling & grabbing her, laughing & screaming. He also grabs her as she passes him in the lounge. At the dinner table when talking to him she leans forward, arms folded, showing her boobs in a tight,low cut t shirt, she then grabs her long hair pulling it up on her head while leaning back, pushing out her boobs as she chats ....is this normal ?

I haven`t a Daughter so I don`t know what to expect ...anyone any suggestions?

[kindredspirit52]

Thanks for the comment:)
My BF mentioned the other day about his dissappointment of not being close with his Son & that he was never sure whether to have children due to the fact he never had a Father figure & didn`t like how his Mother brought him up ...so I suppose he is happy he is close to his Daughter.

I will try & ignore it for now, I am very sensitive at the moment due to moving to a new country & having to make alot of adjustments, this being one of them!

If she is doing it to make me jealous or to cause us to argue then I will try & ignore it & hopefully she will stop it.

Luckily she is only here at weekends & special occasions:)

[nursegirl6572]

My stepdaughter had this look on her face like "What's wrong with these shorts?"  Uggg.

LOL!!!  I know that look well!!!  My DD has looked confused when I tell her to change if we have company coming over.  "Why?", she'll ask.  Ummmm, because your a$$ cheeks are hanging out of your shorts!!!  They're just clueless sometimes.

I have to say, we let her get away with a lot more than I was every allowed, when it's just us.  I think we've grown immune to it.  Sigh.  My Dad would have a fit if he saw that.  When we went on a family vacation this summer, I bought her all new PJs.  I really should put my foot down more.  I admit, sometimes I'm too complacent.  

[Londres70]

Yes, NG.....pffff......these girls and young women definitely have different taste than us I suppose.  

My stepdaughter had this look on her face like "What's wrong with these shorts?"  Uggg.  I told her if you can't bend over in them without showing your "cheeks" to the whole wide world then you shouldn't be wearing them.  Needless to say, hubby and I received "eye rolls" and she stopped wearing them.  She also has a t-shirt that says "I am the one your mother warned you about."  Her mother bought her this one, however, we don't allow her to wear that one.  

The dress, mannerism, etc. are so different nowadays.  What wasn't accepted years ago is now given a "thumb's up."

[nursegirl6572]

I will say over the summer my stepdaughter had some serious short shorts on that look like underwear and so tight you could see everything.

SO true, L!  I swear, they use less and less material and charge more and more for less.  It's ridiculous.  My daughter tells me at least 1 girl a day gets sent home from school due to shorts/skirts being too short, shirts too revealing, etc.

Sigh.

[Londres70]

What's normal?  The question here should be what is everyone involved comfortable with.  The father and daughter are obviously comfortable with this.  

Have a chat with the bf about this and see what he says.  

I can say I am noticing more and more young girls and women do this kind of behavior......24/7 sexiness.  I don't get it, but then again I am older.  

I will say over the summer my stepdaughter had some serious short shorts on that look like underwear and so tight you could see everything.  I told her it isn't ladylike to wear things that are too revealing.  My husband and I don't allow the children to wear certain clothing, however, every household is different though.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

This could be normal for Them, and if it is, I would hope You wouldn't try to change anything as that will only bring resentment toward You.  Your "job" is to decide if You can learn to be comfortable with Her behavior OR to decide if You can live with the discomfort this brings You.  It would be wrong for You to come in at this stage (She's been here 20 YEARS) and try to make changes of either of Their behavior - His OR Hers.
There may be nothing here.  She's 20 years old.  Maybe She just likes to look and behave in a sexy manner no matter where She is.  Maybe this isn't just a "performance" for Dad "only", maybe She just behaves this way at all times.
Good Luck

[nursegirl6572]

You've gotten some great advice thus far.

I think sometimes it's hard to look at a situation objectively, especially if you haven't yourself experienced having a daughter.

I have a 14 yr old daughter, and if I took a step back, I'd have to say that some people may make observations that may not always be obvious to me (or her dad).  For one, she sometimes may wear comfy clothes around the house, like short shorts and a tank top.  Now, I'm, not saying that her clothing is pornographic or anything, but to some, it may be a little too revealing.  I have to remind her sometimes to change if we have friends coming over.  She's in her house, she's comfortable, none of us think much of it.  

She also will play with her hair, pulling it up, putting it down, that kind of thing.  None of it has any ill intent, but if any of YOU came in my home, you might say..."your daughter is sticking her chest out".  What's the "norm" for some may be out of the comfort zone for others.

My husband will usually speak up if he feels she is dressed a little TOO risque, as for HIM, he doesn't really prefer to see his daughter showing so much...for HER, sometimes she's just clueless about it, she's comfortable.  But, like I said, to some people, what doesn't phase us, would bother others.

It's difficult to assess a situation sometimes.  Like SM said, if there is a suspicion of something more sinister going on, that's a different situation completely...but from what you described, this could very well just be something you're not used to...the way they interact, etc.  Certainly, there is nothing wrong with having a conversation about it, and telling your BF maybe there are times where it's just a little "too much", where perhaps she could choose less revealing clothing, and that kind of thing.  YOUR comfort level is important too.

[brice1967]

Perhaps this is a bit of over compensation on his behalf in regards to not having a good relationship with his son?  I don't know what to make of it, myself.  I know that my wife and I have 2 pretty good sons, and both she and I behave differently around them.  (I sometimes tend to be a big kid, and the boys and I will wrestle, toss dirty socks at each other.... some of that might not be "normal" in other homes, but it is common place in ours.)

With that last sentence, make no mistake.... when there is an important matter to discuss, I step up and take on the "father" role.  As much as we mess around with each other, we have many "parent to children" talks of a serious nature.  I think there is plenty of time for both.

I can see how this might be out of your comfort zone, so this would be a situation that you and he would have to discuss.  Before doing so, I'd take a step back, clear my mind, and simply observe for a while without any prejudice.  This may be how he and she get along....

I've got a few friends that have teenage or young adult daughters.  Some of their interactions would NOT happen under my roof.  Not that there is anything inappropriate going on, but I would not allow or do some of the things I've witnessed amongst these friends....  Dressing risque, revealing clothing.... no sir!  I would not allow that at all, but that is their relationship.  (Some of these very same friends cannot understand how I let my youngest son dress the way he does.  "Stylish".... whatever.  It isn't my style and I'd never dress that way.  But, my son is a good kid, gets great grades, treats people right and fairly.... so if his clothing is my only issue????  I've got no problems.)

Good luck on this.

[Life360_Dave]

Well you see good things in him so he is a good man. I think what their doing is normal. Girls that age will tend to act sexually around fathers and since the mother is not around, hes maybe acting out a bit much with her. The daughter  might be doing this to make you jealous as your not her mom
The boy in men never really leaves and will pop out from time to time. Hes probably happy that they have a good relationship.  

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  

Well, I really believe there is a wide range of normal between parents and their kids.  Could what he's doing be playful to him?  

As a mother, I feel no sexual feelings for my two sons.  They will always be my babies in fact.  I think we have to have some type of boundary with our kids for sure, don't get me wrong but what you write could also be described as a father being silly with his daughter, the only child he still has a 'fun' relationship with.  

As to her sticking her boobs out, really?  Sure she isn't just straightening up her posture?  You really think it is her trying to flash her dad her chest?

I ask these questions because I am not sure if you are insinuating that these two have sexual feelings for one another.  If you feel that, my best recommendation is to cut tail and run.  Who would want to be with a man like that?

If you don't, then I think your only hope is to try to have a dialogue with him about it.  Ask him about boundaries and express you are a little uncomfortable.  This very well could stop when she is out of this woman/child phase (as college can be) and then she is an independent woman.  But if you can not tolerate it, you talk to him about it and see if the two of you can be on the same page.  He may not like this and that is something for you to think about or he may not be aware that you see this as inappropriate and he may stop doing it.  

But the problem, let me be clear, is HIM.  He is the parent and adult and sets the boundary.  So work on it with him and realize that the daughter is just a product of him and the interaction of the involvement they've always had.

Hopefully it can be sorted out and your boyfriend will respect your comfort level.  good luck