Father/Daughter relationships - How close is too close?

[crystalmichelle]

My boyfriend is divorced and his 10 year old daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend; During the summer she stays for longer periods of time.  Before I moved in and a few months after my boyfriend would allow his daughter to sleep in his bed and if I fell asleep in our bed he would sleep with her downstairs in her bed.  This bothered me so I asked him to please give her structure in our home and I asked for 2 things: 1) SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A BED TIME and be consistent with putting her to bed at that time. 2) DO NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND/OR LAY WITH HER INAPPROPRIATELY. These 2 issues bother me enough that I consider leaving.  My boyfriend does not see the importance in having a bed time for a child.  In his mind its the weekend so who cares how late she stays up.  He says that he does not get to spend that much time with her so every hour counts.  I agree with this just not when the child is staying up until 3-4am.  During this time she will scream out daddy! daddy! daddy! telling him she is sick, cold, thirsty, or scared. He runs to her every time she screams for him even if it causes us both to get 3-4 hours of sleep.  She used to crawl into our room and stand above her dad until he woke up.  I think there needs to be structure and when 9:30 on weekdays and 11pm on weekends rolls around then it is lights out and time to go to bed.  I don't think this is time for one more t.v. show or a bike ride then THINK about getting ready for bed.  Or the daughter negotiating on a bed time. Am I being to harsh on expecting a bed time and the bed time not include my boyfriend sleeping with her until she falls asleep?  I work late nights so I came home one night to see him spooning his daughter.  I know there is not sexual abuse but it is weird and freaks me out knowing he lays with her the same way he lays with me.  I am a strong individual and was raised by a mother and father who showered me with love and I never once saw anything like this.  When we take naps he will lay on the couch with her either infront of him stretched out or she will lay behind him with her arms around him and sometimes her legs wrapped over his.  She will lay her head on his lap near his package when watching t.v. as he strokes her arms, hair, and back to relax her.  He took her to drive his car and sat her on his lap which I feel she is way too old to be sitting on her dad that way.  When they play around she has put her crotch in his face to hold him down and she slaps his butt.  She has her body pressed all over his and I feel this is not right for a child who is approaching puberty.  When ever I show some affection she will try to duplicate it and that is why I try not to be too affectionate towards him infront of her. Simple things such as holding hands or hugging. I will ask for a neck massage which includes oil before I go to work sometimes and if she is there she will continuously say "me next" "me next" until he is finished with mine.  I personally feel weirded out by him putting oil all over neck and back since she has to pull her shirt up for him to do it.  I just don't like it!  My mom rubs my neck all the time but I feel there is a difference in the way my mom is allowed to touch me and the way my dad touches me.  I was laying on the couch with him one afternoon and I saw his daughter come out of her room and then all of a sudden she saw us laying on the couch so she dropped to the floor and crawled back in her room thinking no one saw her.  She then pretended to be sick for 6 hours until I went to work.  I told him that as soon as I went to work she would be fine and sure enough, as soon as I went to work she was cured from her sickness!  He does not see the manipulation that she pulls on him!  I need to know if I am freaking out when I see them laying all over each other for no reason or am I the one who is in the wrong for asking these things from him?  Am I being to strict when I ask for a bed time? Do I leave if these issues are not corrected.  

[Simba8nala]

Hi I'm still a teenager(16) but I never did anything like that with my father. One time we went camping and he was beside me sleeping and unconsciously rolled into a spooning position but when he woke up he moved immediately. I guess it really just depends on how you were raised and the way you think. I feel like massages with oil are very odd from father to daughter. The same with laying on top of him. Sitting on his lap seems normal to me though cause I would still do the same with my father. I have not seen him since 6th grade though but I will this month. Anyways bed time and sleeping in the same bed need to be fixed. And playing sick is probably something she does to get more attention because she does probably feel she competes with you for his attention. Start with the bed time and sleeping issue and then bring up your views on the rest. Good luck:)

[vickisuezannea]

It is too much...spooning??  Laps and handhilding. Whho is the child and who is the girlfriend. Where is the line?  It may not be sexual but certainly inappropriate.

[specialmom]

Hi, welcome to med help.  I just wanted to say again that this is an old thread and would suggest starting your own thread if anyone wants to further this discussion.  

[snappy11]

OMG....i am going throuh the exact same situation! Its his 10 year old adopted daughter. I cannot tell him how it freaks me out because he tells me that when it comes to his daughter,i have absolutely no Say so. My opinion forestry matter. She to stays up as late as she wants.and lately wham i get up to get a drink i see them spooning and he alwsys sleeps in his underwear. I remember growing up if i saw my father in his underwearpast age 5...eww and it was on accident. Gross. his daughter is with us more than she is with Her mother and on top of it all....he had lead her to believe that i am just s friend! We are never affectionate ever, in front of her...so no fighting for his attention on either of our behalfs. I too think of leaving because of it
snappy11

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  The original poster of this thread asked this question in 2009.  If you'd like to start your own thread, please go to the top of this forum and hit post question.  

Glad your situation is working out better for you.  

I do think that kids can be affectionate and it is okay.  When it is interfering with one's relationship, it is something to take up with the adult in the situation rather than the child.  If a child is being 'manipulative' in some way, it is for the adult to set a bounary.  good luck

[Priscilla_5]

I had a similar situation with my boyfriend and her younger sis.... Except they are not so cuddly with each other. My boyfriends younger sis would try 2 hug my boyfriend in front of me and tries to make it very noticeable. She has offended my brother and my mother and many times has been rude 2 me... Me and my boyfriend now have 3 1/2 and her sis is now 12, things have sure calmed down hugely because I talked to my boyfriend and I really tried to work with the situation.
How long have u been with ur boyfriend?? Maybe it's just a matter of time and patience.... I think the little girl is to young to understand her dad has someone else and it is totally understandable and it is totally understandable that u do not feel comfortable I wouldn't either:/ Just give it some time:)