Father/Daughter relationships - How close is too close?

[crystalmichelle]

My boyfriend is divorced and his 10 year old daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend; During the summer she stays for longer periods of time.  Before I moved in and a few months after my boyfriend would allow his daughter to sleep in his bed and if I fell asleep in our bed he would sleep with her downstairs in her bed.  This bothered me so I asked him to please give her structure in our home and I asked for 2 things: 1) SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A BED TIME and be consistent with putting her to bed at that time. 2) DO NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND/OR LAY WITH HER INAPPROPRIATELY. These 2 issues bother me enough that I consider leaving.  My boyfriend does not see the importance in having a bed time for a child.  In his mind its the weekend so who cares how late she stays up.  He says that he does not get to spend that much time with her so every hour counts.  I agree with this just not when the child is staying up until 3-4am.  During this time she will scream out daddy! daddy! daddy! telling him she is sick, cold, thirsty, or scared. He runs to her every time she screams for him even if it causes us both to get 3-4 hours of sleep.  She used to crawl into our room and stand above her dad until he woke up.  I think there needs to be structure and when 9:30 on weekdays and 11pm on weekends rolls around then it is lights out and time to go to bed.  I don't think this is time for one more t.v. show or a bike ride then THINK about getting ready for bed.  Or the daughter negotiating on a bed time. Am I being to harsh on expecting a bed time and the bed time not include my boyfriend sleeping with her until she falls asleep?  I work late nights so I came home one night to see him spooning his daughter.  I know there is not sexual abuse but it is weird and freaks me out knowing he lays with her the same way he lays with me.  I am a strong individual and was raised by a mother and father who showered me with love and I never once saw anything like this.  When we take naps he will lay on the couch with her either infront of him stretched out or she will lay behind him with her arms around him and sometimes her legs wrapped over his.  She will lay her head on his lap near his package when watching t.v. as he strokes her arms, hair, and back to relax her.  He took her to drive his car and sat her on his lap which I feel she is way too old to be sitting on her dad that way.  When they play around she has put her crotch in his face to hold him down and she slaps his butt.  She has her body pressed all over his and I feel this is not right for a child who is approaching puberty.  When ever I show some affection she will try to duplicate it and that is why I try not to be too affectionate towards him infront of her. Simple things such as holding hands or hugging. I will ask for a neck massage which includes oil before I go to work sometimes and if she is there she will continuously say "me next" "me next" until he is finished with mine.  I personally feel weirded out by him putting oil all over neck and back since she has to pull her shirt up for him to do it.  I just don't like it!  My mom rubs my neck all the time but I feel there is a difference in the way my mom is allowed to touch me and the way my dad touches me.  I was laying on the couch with him one afternoon and I saw his daughter come out of her room and then all of a sudden she saw us laying on the couch so she dropped to the floor and crawled back in her room thinking no one saw her.  She then pretended to be sick for 6 hours until I went to work.  I told him that as soon as I went to work she would be fine and sure enough, as soon as I went to work she was cured from her sickness!  He does not see the manipulation that she pulls on him!  I need to know if I am freaking out when I see them laying all over each other for no reason or am I the one who is in the wrong for asking these things from him?  Am I being to strict when I ask for a bed time? Do I leave if these issues are not corrected.  

[baishagirl81]

I have "memories" I remember showering with my adopted father, seeing him naked... my adopted mom walking about naked, doing her makeup naked in my bathroom when she had a wonderful HUGE bathroom of her own... I have vague memories of him in my room at night... he would talk to his friends in PUBLIC about my breasts... my mom had him shave my legs for the 1st time in his shower in 7th grade.. I was mortified. I hate his smell, this hot musk at 30 I can still remember his smell... he would always want me to sit in his lap in his recliner even at 19 ( that's when I left and never came back)  They were NOT affectionate at ALL, no hugs wouldn't even hold my hand in the store in public.. but home that was different... I couldn't close my door to the bathroom or bedroom EVER... I still get dressed in my closet today.... as I grow older it I think it is more and more WRONG, he would slow dance CLOSE all the time with me and I didn't want to... he made me.... it was so uncomfortable.. but it wasn't just him it was HER as well, looking at me in the shower, watching me dress, picking out underwear I wouldn't let my kid wear... it was FU&*^D up..... struggling more today as I see the wrong in it....

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Always okay to draw the line with someone incuding your father.  I would make it clear that you are a big girl now and aren't wanting to cuddle and such.  

I give your dad the benefit of the doubt that he is just seeing you has his little girl and is affectionate.  I'm affectionate with my little kids now and probably will always want to give them hugs.  But I think you mention things that are intrusive to a young lady.  I also think that if you ask him to stop and he doesn't, that is an issue.

Do you have a mother?  An aunt or a Grandma???  I would tell them how you feel.  Ask them to help you.  

good luck

[nursegirl6572]

I completely agree with quietgirl.  Even though this may not be anything inappropriate per se, he is crossing a line YOU are uncomfortable with, and the fact that you've told him and he totally ignored you is not right.  You do not owe him an explanation, there shouldn't have to be a discussion about it...just you telling it makes you uncomfortable and that should be where it ends.

You need to be stern with him and tell him you simply don't like it.  Hugs hello and goodnight are fine....the rest of it...YOU make the boundaries.  I recommend you tell another adult what is going on as well.  Is your Mom in the picture?  A stepmom?  I really think maybe you should fill someone in...maybe someone else needs to lay it out on the line for him.

YOUR body, YOUR boundaries, YOUR rules, no exceptions.  That goes for anyone in your life, hon,

[thatquietgirl]

If it makes you uncomfortable, then your dad should respect that.  I would be uncomfortable, too.  Anything above your knee is not for just anyone to touch unless you want them to touch you there, and his comment about you letting your boyfriend touch you in certain ways does not justify his attempts to.  He is your father, not your boyfriend.  The intimacy factor is far different in a father-daughter relationship than a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  If he doesn't stop the next time you tell him you're uncomfortable, then don't sit next to him, stay near another family member instead, and then if you're home alone, put something in front of your door if you can't lock it to avoid any uncomfortable behavior there.  A dad should realize by the time his daughter starts coming of age, he has to behave in a way that won't make her feel exposed/uncomfortable, and you're well past that point in life.

Be safe!

[AliciaWeenum]

Hello. I'm kind of having the same issue with my dad. Well I think my dad is too close to me, I'm 16 and my dad wants a huge when he gets home from work and when he goes to sleep. And he rubs my legs and I tell him it tickles and I don't like it but the. He'll reply with oh they're so soft and smooshy. And he'll go in my room Kay on my bed and wanna hug so he pushes me down with him and tries to get comfortable and today he like grabbed my ankles to try to pull me off the bed, as play nothing abusive, and he obviously could see my shorts were riding up. And I'm not sure how affectionate and what kind a dad should be showing. There was also this time where I told him I was uncomfortable and he got mad at me and told me what you let your boyfriend touch you(like be close and put their arms around me) but why not me and I wasn't sure how to answer that. Please email me @ ***@****

I really need answers because this has been going on for a few years.

[appletreez]

To stoney, I agree with you completely.  Men who sexually abuse their children are just as evil as women who are jealous of children.  Such women will end up abusing a child as well, since they cannot hold their resentments inside.  Both groups of society are sick and need help. Both are pushing their own sick adult impulses onto a child (the molester his sick sexual impulses...and the women their own jealous impulses).  Both have a specail place in hell, in my opinion.