Hi, There is a lot of really good advice here and am glad I read. I wanted only to add that I really feel for you and how this affects you. The details are never important but only the feelings; I am learning to begin there is to find a solution. I have little drama and details to a problem of feeling hurt by my husbands family and only want to contribute that to the reasons I can respond this way. In the end, marriage is a compromise and love is the same between two people. It can be hurtful no matter whom is right or wrong with in-laws and very difficult to not want to react. To tell your husband of your feelings without blame or negativity to his family can go a long way to his keeping his mind open to the only solution; compromise and respect with both of you. As hard as it was, to do this with my husband was key to getting him to listen without closing his mind. We found a solution actually by moving a little further away and keeping all personal and financial things where we felt it needed to be; private and away from his family. Sometimes he slipped in that and I was hurt but he was trying and I tried to really be supportive in that. I was never asked to stay away from the family but only to not touch my husband in their presence (holding his hand) and pretend to be a friend only before we were married. I was very hurt and I am fortunate that my husband understood so we decided I would let him visit on his own when they need him without me. However, in return he promised to keep his visits to only when they needed him and for important holidays. We have one day a week where we made it clear the phone would be off to everyone in his family and keep it only for our family. In the end, it hurts most when you feel he is not protecting and defending you as the other half of a unit. No matter the circumstances it hurts the most. We took a lot of steps and it did take some time to get to the point where we had a healthy balance between priorities and importance over his wife and his family. If I could advise you of anything as a first step it would be to come calmly to him and talk to him from a point of understanding the difficult position he is in; free of guilt from anyone. then ask to just talk about how much you both have been through, how much you love him and that you just need to feel you both can do more. I hope what I said helps you from a practical viewpoint. Best of luck to you both.
I hate FB, in fact, everything on the Internet is public. Your personal life is and should always be private. Be careful who you trust on sharing your problems. Hope your counseling helps....
I can no longer think of anything to say that hasn't been said.
Good Luck. I hope You get through all this and You and Your Husband find a way to Live Happily Ever After.
I think several of us suggested dropping the confrontations, and glad you are trying it! I think it will free your spirit in ways you had never imagined. This kind of fight can occupy every waking moment if you let it.
Nursegirl6572 asked what the deal was with the engagement ring and what happened to the guy who stole it. Just answering her question.
And I did share with my husband my picture when we first started dating. I told him I had never taken a nude picture but had taken an implied nude picture. Never lied or decieved him.
Anyways I can't remember who said it but I'm trying the non-confrontational thing. Just done. Trying not to let any of it get to me.
Was this accidently posted here? If not, how does this tie into anything?
Let me just say that I probably don't need any more details on stories to get the idea that you two have a lot of drama and a lot of problems. His mom may not be a charming woman but the source of these issues are you and you and your husband's communication (lack of and style when upset).
I don't think that you'll be able to fix it yourself at this point as you are very caught up in the details. They no longer matter. You and you and he have issues. that's it. Go to a professional and sort them out. (PS: no judgement but being mostly naked in a pic is something you should have shared with your husband if he asked if you had taken nude photos. Your indignation that his family showed him is overshadowed by your attempt to deceive him. I can see why he was angry. And THOSE things are what you need to own rather than being mad at his sister.)
good luck. I don't know if you'll make it or not. You have a lot of work to do both personally and as a couple. Wishing you the best
?? ?? ?? !! !! !!
You lost me somewhere along the way!! !! !! I do NOT understand where this "Engagement Guy Ring Story" came from !! !! !!
and
I do not understand how it has anything to do with the predicament that brought You here !! !! !!
Is it me?? ?? ?? as in, however did I miss this?? ?? ??
Engagement ring guy story: We went to the Phoenix Bridal Show and one of the booths there was a jewelry company specializing in custom rings. We took down their information and called and discussed my ring for a couple months, chose a setting, center diamond and negotiated price. Paid $3000 to get the ring started and it was supposed to be finished in 8 weeks, at which time we would make monthly payments on the remaining $5000. 8 weeks comes and goes. No ring. Designer says its because something happened to one of the machines and they had to order a part and it would be done in 4 more weeks. 4 weeks passes and still no ring. Contact the guy who says 2 more weeks he promises and send me an unclear picture of a 1/2 finished ring. 2 weeks comes and goes, at this point husband and I are pretty frustrated. Jeweler says that he just found out that the ring hasn't even been started due to delays and it will br another 8 weeks. We decide to just ask for our money back and he says no refund on custom orders. We fought with him for months about our money, he wad also doing the same thing to other couples because this was his get rich quick scheme. It was on the news and apparently he is now wanted for assulting a bank teller when she informed him his money was frozen. Whole stupid mess. Moral of story don't trust all booths at wedding shows because all they have to do is buy the booth without having a real company.
Some thrive on crisis. Could that be the situation here? It's seems You
and MIL are BOTH focused on making each other look like the "bad guy".
I feel more sympathy for Your Husband and Her Son than anyone else in
this scenario that just keeps on keeping on. Poor Guy - Between His Wife
and His Mother He's getting no peace.
Glad You're going for therapy. Good Luck
Showed less then a bikini. My father who is very conservative saw the picture and after my husband calmed down he admitted it wasn't that bad. Its also a side profile shot and everything is covered. I've seen worse pictures in ads of regular magazines.
Oh brother......What hasn't happen in your marriage? Honey, you got ALOT to sort through. Kinda reminds me of having to wash laundry AFTER 2-3 weeks worth built up and you just don't know where to begin. Yeah, where do you begin with all this?
I would be calling that therapist to see if she/he has any cancellations to get you in earlier. You need a session STAT.
There will almost have to be a miracle for this to work out. This doesn't sound hopeful.
So, you've got some drama...what's the deal with the engagement ring, why would someone do that to you? Did the guy get arrested for stealing the ring?
As for the pics....not sure what "implied" nude is...never heard of that....is that like what would be found in playboy....like nude, but no "cat" showing? Or no nipples?
I'll be honest...sounds like you may have downplayed the pics to your hubby, and sort of got called on it. You would have been better off showing him then from the beginnning...then he could have said to his sister, "I've already seen those...A showed them to me years ago". That would have taken the wind right out of her sails.
I agree about letting everything go. That's not going to be an easy thing to do, because no doubt they have treated you very poorly, and it will probably feel as though you're "giving in", but really, your marriage depends on what's going to happen next.
I strongly advise marital therapy...where you guys can share with each other these issues that have hurt you...like him not standing up for you.,.,.that needs addressed. You need to tell him how that makes you feel. NOT with finger pointing or blame, but just with facts. Something like, "Regardless of what has happened, I know you're stuck in the middle and that's hard, but you need to know how hurtful it was for me to have your family saying mean and unkind things about me, with you not sticking up for me"
I think you guys have a LOT to sort out, and I really hope you're able. It's a well nown fact, that right or wrong, in-laws have been deal breakers for people. It would be a shame if all of this drama, fueled by both sides, manages to split you guys up.
I think it may be as simple as YOU stopping everything, NO negative talk about them, and HIM starting to set some boundaires and limits with his family. If YOU are not biting...their drama will flop. They'll have nothing to feed on, and quite honestly, it will make them look VERY bad to continue picking on you while you are saying nothing. That might be enough to upset your hubby so that he starts defending you.
I also REALLY think he's too dependent on them. once you work through therapy a bit, I would bring up that you think it would be better if he didn't work for his Mom. It's NOT a good situation, and has been the sourse of many an argument.
I used to be an agency signed model. When my husband and I first started dating I told him that I had never done nude photos but that I had done implied nude. His family googled my maiden name (not my married name which I go by) and found the photo and showed it to my husband and he blew up. Apparently if you are nude even if your parts are covered up that isn't OK to him. I assumed he knew what implied nude was and he didn't. She also found my medhelp and said I was posting about the girls online and pictures of them. And we had our engagement ring stolen and the guy that took it wrote and article pretending to be me on cheatersville.com. I commented on that article saying it wasn't me that posted it and the information was incorrect. Nathan knew about all these things but he was still angry all over again.
Again, I'm with RockRose. Every time we suggest anything in this thread, you come back with a further long, detailed complaint about them and how while you might have been at fault, they are REALLY at fault, and your husband is supposed to say such and such to fix it and he hasn't and you are so hurt, etc.. Continuing to rev up the argument is not 50% your fault, it is 100% your fault. Stop revving up the argument. Unless you want to lose.
Good luck.
alaysha, my guess is that thing at the end of your post - your husband has rehearsed it and rehearsed it in his mind but he knows it would do no good whatsoever.
Both sides in this are addicted to the thrill of drama. That's why his sister googled your name. To dig up fresh juicy drama to enjoy. At this point, you're in line to lose so very much that the pleasure of the battle is no longer there for you - it's become very serious, but for them it's still a thrill. Probably the most thrilling thing they have, this pack of people against you.
And there's your husband stuck in the middle. If he were a different man, he'd stick up for you. But he's not.
SO. How about you take the advice you wrote there and just stop? As hard as it is, just completely stop talking about them in a negative way. No running after your MIL and grabbing the car door and saying she needs to give you a lot of notice before activities with your kids, no facebooking, no complaining to your husband about how his family behaves.
Can you do that? Can you take the next 2.5 weeks before your counseling session - and completely, completely rest this? No complaints, no stirring anything up, no complaining about them, no confrontations?
I think you'll feel like a completely different person if you can put this away.
I agree with SM, I'm really terribly curious about what they found about you. It's like, when they are looking for fresh fodder for the gossip mill, there's plenty of ammo out there.
Best wishes. I don't know at this point if this is savable. All you can do, is what YOU can do though.
If you're comfortable sharing, maybe you could give us an example or two of these things they're finding out that have become an issue? Maybe it would shed some light on the situation for us? I agree, it's kind of confusing...the way you explain it, they're just soooo over the top with disdain for you...are there some things that they may be justified in being concerned about?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not justifying someone googling your name, just to start crap with you and your hubby...but maybe there is a genuine concern somewhere, that has just gotten blown out of proportion?
Same with the issue of them calling you a "party girl". Do you go out frequently to night club type places with your friends? Did you recently "party" a lot? I'm not pointing fingers, just trying to understand.
I think it's great that you can be honest and admit you have a part in this...but I agree with SM that there seems to be a piece of the puzzle left out, and the biggest concern, for ME would be, that, with the googling, whatever your SIL found, your hubby didn't know about, because he ended up asking you about it. If they're discovering not so attractive issues from your past, and your hubby doesn't know about them, that sure puts him in an awkward place. How can he defend you in those situations, when he's in the dark? That probably makes him feel like a fool.
You certainly don't owe your in-laws any kind of explanation over issues that happened in your past that maybe were the result of some poor choices (providing they're not HUGELY scary), but you DO owe your hubby those explanations.
Please try not to get defensive, we're really trying to help you, we're not judging you, the more upfront you are about this, the better we can try to help you. It's a difficult situation, for sure.
What are you doing that you can google your name and things pop up? Just curious. And why don't you use your married name?
I just feel like there is more to the story. Like there is something else going on with you personally that has contributed to the rift.
I had a family member I was curious about and i googled her name. It happens in the age of the internet. But usually when you google someone, you find so little. So----- it makes me wonder what is going on with you.
If you have some kind of life behind your husband's back--- that they aren't telling him lies but TRUE info from the internet about you--- that is odd.
good luck
I appreciate everyone's responses! I have been saying from the beginning that I know I am part of the issue, that ill even say 50-60% of it. But my husband and his family say it is 100% my fault and that's not fair to me. I've on numerous occasions tried to be the bigger person and say sorry and make peace. However, whenever they do something wrong they will not say sorry. I've talked to my husband about it and he said, "oh don't expect an apology from my mom or sister ever. They never apologizes for anything." Which to me is really unfair. If I do something wrong I'm excluded from all family events until I apologize, but they don't have to?
I've tried to make it so that I don't interact with them that much anymore. However it seems since that became my stance that they have been doing more family things which involve my husband but I'm excluded from. Where before they would do something maybe once a month now its like every other day.
Also I can be sitting at work minding my own business and suddenly Ill get a call from my husband saying something like my family found out this or that about you. Why did you do this or that? Something along the lines of "my sister googled your name online and found _______. Care to explain?"Not to mention she was Googling my married name which I haven't used in years. I just don't understand why his sister was Googling my name in the first place and being like "have you seen what your wife has done?!" I don't bother to go Google their names because frankly I don't really care.
I've tried to go out and spend time with my friends when he and his family have a day outing planned and it always back fires on me about me not wanting to spend time with him or the kids. Even though I was the one that was no allowed to go with him? So what I'm expected to sit at home and dwell?
Despite everything though I would like to get along with his family. I know I shouldn't have posted on Facebook. At the time I didn't think it would be such a big deal. I also don't want my husband to have to choose sides but I believe that when he took his vows that was supposed to make me and our immediate family #1 in our lives. I don't feel its my place to tell his family to back down. If it was my family doing this with him Id tell them to knock it off. I just expect him to stand up and say something though. Nothing that needs to even be hurtful. Something like, "this is my wife. This is who I chose to be with and the mother of my children. I need everyone to put away their petty differences and to try to get along. No more excluding from events, we're a family and we need to try to get along. I don't want to hear anything about the other person from any of you. If you have an issue keep it to yourself. That goes for my wife as well!"
I agree 100% with the above posters. I think your in-laws have treated you badly, yes I do, and I think you lash out a lot at THEM instead of at your husband. HE is the one who should be supporting you, having your back, especially when it comes to things like calling you names, or blaming something on you (the office situation with the eviction papers and money) that HE was totally involved in. HE asked you to bring the papers and money, yet YOU got blamed for it...he needs to man up, for sure.
I also agree that you're no innocent party. FB is NEVER the place to air dirty laundry, about anything. I'm simply AMAZED at the stuff I read on FB, my GOD. And sure, you have your page set to "private"...see how that worked out? They had every right to be upset about you talking about THEM on your FB page. Plus, it's childish. FB is really the source of a lot of issues in relatiobnships. I use it to post pics of my kids, post funny things, and to look at others pics and stuff. I would NEVER "vent" about someone in my life on FB. NEVER.
I agree that therapy is a must. You're going to have to stop the drama. The parts that YOU are guilty of feeding it will have to stop. If you think you're blameless in this situation, you're going to have to dig deeper to be honest with yourself about your role in this mess, because you have one. Maybe not as MUCH as your in-laws, but just the same, you've done your part. You want to fix this, and that's what is important. I think it's logicasl to accept you will NEVER have a cuddly, close relationship with them. I doubt that's possible at this point. But, things CAN get a lot better.
I DO think the biggest issue lies in your marriage, and the fact that your husband won't put a stop to this by setting boundaries on BOTH sides. No doubt he's "siding" with his family more, and that's unacceptable. If he is afraid to stand up to them....you'll never probably be comfortable with any resolution.
Let me ask...is he employed BY his Mother? If so, I think there is some kind of financial blackmail that could be going on there that could explain is unwillingness to stand up to her. I think ANY way you guys can make yourselves more independent, you should. Family working for family hardly EVER turns out good. Been there, done that. My hubby didn't speak to his sister for 3 years after she worked for our business. I too, have had my fair share of in-law drama. Nothing quite as bad as yours....but I've been there.
There have to be agreements and boundaries on BOTH sides if this is ever going to work. You each are going to have to lay it out...like that you really need at least an hour or two notice to make plans IF possible. That's not a lot to ask. You are going to need to be a little more flexible and giving. I think, from what you have described, that you may come off as being difficult a lot of times, whether you mean to or not.
Your hubby and you are going to HAVE to work out your own issues...he's stuck in the middle, and that's not a good place to be. His loyalty, however, lies with YOU. Not to say he should support you when he doesn't agree...but he's adding fuel to the fire also, by encouraging indirectly the bad behavior on his family's side.
I agree with SM about the b-day night, sounds like you were creating an awful lot of drama, especially to wake your young children in the middle of the night to sing happy b-day to you? That was not mature, that was not acting to have your children's best interest at heart. That was being childish and spiteful.
I, too am interested to hear more about this secretive therapy session that he took your girls to. THAT, is TOTALLY unacceptable, and I would make sure he knows that. You, as their mother, have the right to know what's going on. And then, for him to have lied to you about where they were...NOT okay at all.
You guys have a LOT of work to do...I wish you the very best. If all else fails, maybe call Dr. Phil. ;0) I'm kind of joking, but in all honesty, he's pretty good at tearing down these kinds of situations, and telling each party what needs to be done.
Agreeing with AB, SM and RR........absolutely.
Let me start by saying there is ALOT going on here, but the common threads are a lack of boundaries, lack of respect, unnecessary child-like drama and vendettas. I hope for your sake this counseling saves your marriage because you are definitely sitting in the danger zone.
Dear, I have been EXACTLY where you have been EXCEPT I didn't feed into the drama my EX husband's family was trying all the time to create. In fact the MORE I ignored them the worse they got. After watching my ex husband refusing to set boundaries and his family refusing to "let up" so to speak I filed for divorce. I left.
We tried couples' therapy, however, if both parties aren't on board completely and aren't willing to be open and honest then therapy is a TOTAL waste of time and money. In my case, my ex husband wasn't willing to be open and honest with the therapist.
I wouldn't be so quick to blame his mother or his family because your husband should have stepped in on your behalf and set boundaries AS SOON AS TROUBLE WAS BREWING. Plus, you are a bit guilty here of intensifying the situation with your actions and words.
BTW: FB is nothing more than a gossip, drama mill. You think you are posting something "private" to your circle of "friends." Well.....let one so-called "friend" turn on you and "spill" EVERYTHING you said about this person and that person. This happened to my niece and things got pretty nasty. NEVER POST anything on FB that could be USED again you. If you want to vent your best bet would be to talk to someone one on one and face to face or journal......that would be SAFER to do. DON'T air your "dirty laundry" in public or to a group of friends. One friend, ok, but why do all your friends need to know all your business?
You can't change his family or what they think about you, but you sure can change how you respond to them. I wouldn't recommend putting anything else on FB about this and you and hubby better start some SERIOUS dialoguing about all this. Quit making these people (his family) the focus of your life and find other positive activities to do and surround yourself with positive people.
You two have to be in it to win it and if you both aren't on the same page this isn't going to work even with therapy.
You can PM me anytime. Like I said I have been in this situation before.
All the best.
AnnieBrooke, RockRose, SpecialMom all have many excellent points!!
I don't feel I can add much but I strongly feel that when We Marry, We are Marrying the Family as well. We shouldn't expect our Spouse to take sides, it's unfair and shouldn't it be put before Him to do that. If the Family won't go the distance then maybe it's Our place to go the distance for Our Spouse - He's hurting more from this than anyone else here - not to mention, it's unhealthy for the Children to see all this discord in Their Family. I also feel Love is a CHOICE and We should consider the total picture before We "choose" to Love one another. You were given a HUGE clue by His Mother the first time You met Her. Apparently at that time You didn't think it would be an issue, so don't make Her personality an issue for You now as it's not only You and Her - Your Husband and Your Children who are being affected by all this. Someone has to give and if She won't then You must.
I also agree You should not post anything on FB and then be upset if someone sees it and takes offense. You should have Your private conversations by telephone not on paper (FB, e-mail, any "written" word)
Good Luck,
I hope for EveryOne's sake, all is laid to rest.
I agree with specialmom that some of what you are talking about are marital issues, not in-law issues. You get hurt, you sulk, you fib, you pout, you blame your husband for not reading your mind, you spill on Facebook, you blame your in-laws for reading what you spill on Facebook, etc. All of this posturing and blaming is more appropriate to a teenager than to a married woman with responsibilities to create a serene family life. It would certainly have helped if your husband had decided early on that you and your relationship was more important to him than any other relationship, these proofs might have kept you from taking the juvenile road, and possibly none of this would have occurred. That's why I suggested counseling like now, not in 2 1/2 weeks. If you are going to save anything, it has to start right now.
Of course, that is only going to happen if your husband is not so fed up by now that he won't even try. Didn't you say that he said doesn't even like you any more? If he was just saying that because he is tired of all the fuss, that's one thing, but those would be marriage-ending words, in my relationship. If he truly has stopped loving you and wasn't just talking out of exasperation, well, there is little enough someone can do to "make" someone want to love them again and you can't force this.
Good luck with counseling. I think you have to pull yourself upright and act like a grown-up, and leave behind all the lovely blame of others.
Couple of things. I'm going to be honest. You did make some choices that added to the issues at hand. Is it right to dis your mother law on facebook? I don't think so. That was rather childish. If you have a girlfriend or two that you want to talk about, so be it. But I would never place comments like that for all to see. That certainly wouldn't sit well with me if someone did that. Even though you may have been entitled to be angry, you handled that badly.
Your husband hasn't done a great job of being supportive or a partner to you, I agree. He didn't need to take that job. He could have told your mom long ago to treat you better and set a boundary with HER. But he didn't. And you let that go. Now, he's caught in the middle because I think you have stopped trying and also want to get back at them. The whole thing about the pumpkin patch? Of course he was afraid of you going because you have your back up about these people and you were not going to let them 'win' by taking your girls to a pumpkin patch. Let's face it-- that is a very human response but does make things hard on your husband who probably wants to encourage the relationship between his mother and the kids while not having you and his mother fight.
I agree that counseling is a good place to go. But counseling is only going to work hon if you are honest about the role you play as well as the role he plays without just making his mom the bad guy.
I agree that I wouldn't be inclined to think too kindly of someone who sat me down to say nasty things to me. I'd nip that in the bud. But you have not been innocent in all of this and that is important to acknowledge and work on. Your husband needs to set better boundaries. And also, between the two of you ---- you must as a partnership decide what is best for his employment needs financially and if it is his moms, okay and if not, it might make sense for him to look elsewhere. If he isn't willing to--- then this is a marital problem and not an in law problem.
I honestly didn't get that stuff about the birthday and the bar and being locked out, waking up a 4 year old to have cake with you, etc. Sounds like total drama and not good for the kids or for you.
These are the kinds of things that I think you add to the problem rather than it being someone else's fault entirely,
Just something to think about as you proceed. If you want to save this marriage, work on it with your husband and a therapist. good luck