Feel Like I can't trust anyone and it's ruining my life!

[concernedabit77]

I need unbiased input as I am driving myself crazy with obesessive thoughts of my bf cheating.  Background is we have been together for 3 yrs- he has treated me like a princess since day one.  He loves my child as his own and we have a baby together(his 1st) who he adores.  I am 32 he is 39. his mother passed away a few years ago and he is a very emotional and sensitive man.  Always tells me how much he loves me and our life and how we will be happy forever that he loves being in a healthy relationship, sends me random emails, texts and gives me cards about how much he loves me yet I can't stop thinking that he is cheating.   I have no reason to suspect this and didn't feel like this till the end of my pregnancy b/c we didn't have sex alot and even after the baby it was only a few times a month.  He says the pregnancy kind of freaked him out plus we were building a house at the time and he was exhausted as he was doing alot of the work himself.  I have asked/accused him a few times.  He never gets mad and seems to want to talk it out and find out why i feel this and where it comes from he seems a bit hurt that I would think this of him.  I had a complete breakdown over this and he didn't leave my side for 5 days trying to take care of me. The main issue is I think that he is sooo good to me just so I WONT suspect anything.  Does this seem delusional and just crazy?

[specialmom]

Well concernedabit, this is clearly YOUR problem and you must address it.  Please call your doctor and either see them or get a referrel to a psychiatrist to discuss obsessive compulsive disorder as it relates to your thought patterns.  Your husband is here for you and sounds like a patient and good man.  But eventually, these episodes will wear on him.  Address the problem before it gets to that point.  Please make that call today and get an appointment set up for yourself.  good luck

[concernedabit77]

Well I lost it again last night...I went to move some stuff and his work phone was locked...I broke down and said it seems as though your hiding something...he then proceeded to hold me as I was hysterical and then showed me how to unlock the phone...said he locks it when its in his pocket so it doesn't dial...told me again he is here for me no matter what but he is exasperated because there is obviously nothing he can do or say to change my thoughts...........

[teko]

Ditto. (It is very obvious there is lots of love, on both sides). Call that doc like specialmom said! It will be okay!

[specialmom]

Oh, good luck.  You can do it!  It sounds like you have a very supportive husband that will be there as you work through this.  Just make the calls to your doctor.  Best wishes to you for much happiness in your life.

[concernedabit77]

I am crying at my desk as I read all your responses.  This is the best relationship I have ever had and I'm clearly ruining it.  Thank you for helping me see that this is a serious issue and needs to be remedied.

[specialmom]

Hi.  Sometimes GAD can turn into obsessive compulsive disorder.  Your worry is your obsession.  This is highly treatable and I'd really recommend talking to your physician about it.  All medication works best with talk therapy along with it.  I think this could eventually ruin your relationship and I would take that seriously.  People only think of OCD in terms of rituals and counting, cleaning etc.  But it can show itself in thought patterns as well.  I really think this is what is going on.  Hormones during and after pregnancy can exacerbate symptoms and that is why during your ob/gyn check post baby they ask you basic mental health questions.  (at least a good doctor does.)
Don't feel like this is weird or bad as it is not uncommon.  If I am correct, your brain chemistry is just slightly imbalanced and you just need to get it back on track.  I would call and set up an appointment today and nip this in the bud!  You can do it and will be so much happier when you do!  Good luck and enjoy your wonderful family!

[teko]

I think you are being paranoid, why I am not sure. Hormones maybe? You got a good thing going, dont let yourself sabotage it. He is not your ex and he has not cheated but if you accuse him often enough he may feel like he may as well do it. He sounds totally devoted to you and if he has not been doing anything to give you a reason to be suspicious, then it is on you.

[imanaddict]

You are going to drive yourself mad with the "What if's." You have got to let this go and realize that just because it has happened in the past, doesn't mean it will now. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful and you could lose him if you don't get it together.

[mami1323]

Some therapists work on a sliding scale.  So see if one of your doctor's can recommend someone.  Let's say worse case scenario, you are right.  Then what?  You will lose it?  You will have another relationship that you have to walk away from?  It wouldn't be the end of the world.  Even though it hurts, it still is something you can get through and you have gotten through.  Infidelity does not mean the end of relationship either, some can be worked through, but it does happen.  It doesn't mean it will and you can't live in constant fear of it happening either.  Or else, what happiness will you have in your relationship.  What life will you enjoy?  You have to live day to day, no one can predict the future.  So live in the hear and now, enjoy your boyfriend and your family and if that day should come, deal with it then.  You may never have to go through it so you are wasting time worrying about it.

[concernedabit77]

Thanks for the advice I needed to hear the REALITY of this...it's so odd at times I recognize that I am being deluisonal, paranoid and irrational and then I say "BUT WHAT IF I'M RIGHT" and then I head straight into an anxiety attack.  I don't have health insurance but I am going to check and see what my options are.

[mami1323]

I think any birth control with hormones will do that...I was on the pill and it made me a mess.  So I'm on the copper IUD now.  Much better.  It sounds like nothing is going on at all and he sounds wonderful.  The fact that he wants to talk openly with you about the issues is great.  He's a terrific communicator.  I think you should talk with him and perhaps get help for yourself.  Once he sees that you are doing that, I'm sure he will be a bit more understanding of your behavior.  Keep reminding him that it's your issues, not his and try your hardest to stop and think.  When you feel that anxiety coming on, tell yourself, is this a real thought based on facts and evidence or is it just fantasy?  Am I creating this in my mind?  Do this before you start accusing.  But I do still think you may need to consult a therapist.  You have a lot of issues in your past that you never addressed.  Good luck.

[concernedabit77]

my baby is 8 months...I was on depo and felt like it excaerbated my problems so i stopped it a month ago.  no suspicious activity..he leaves his phones out and around all the time..I hate to admit but I have looked through them..never to find anything incriminating...he also leaves his email up all the time which i have also gone through...he keeps pics of me and the kids in his car and seems very proud of us...he seems a bit hurt right now. I tried to back off the topic and say its my problem but he insisted we needed to talk about it because he feels  we're in this together and it's "our" problem.......

[mami1323]

Well that explains a lot more, you're paranoid because of your past relationship.  But you have to remember, that was your ex-husband, not your boyfriend.  Give him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason to suspect him.  I do think it goes beyond doing just this though in your case.

[mami1323]

Yeah I agree with RockRose, you are not thinking realistically.  Frankly, I always believe our gut instincts are correct, but that has to be backed up by suspicious evidence.  Like, he's missing in action at times, he's disconnected emotionally, he's getting strange calls on his cell, he hides his cell and carries it with him at all times, he deletes messages and phone records.  He sounds the total opposite of all of this.  I do agree, it may be a hormonal or chemical imbalance.  You don't say how old your second child is but you may be suffering from post partum depression.  He sounds like a genuinely nice and sweet guy.  You will be the one who destroys this relationship.  No one likes being accused all the time and especially if they aren't doing anything.  You are causing issues in your relationship when there shouldn't be any.  I would definitely get help, having a breakdown that lasted 5 days is frightening.  You need to look into a psychiatrist, you may need some meds to deal with this.  Good luck.

[concernedabit77]

Thank you for the honest opionion.  I have previously been diagnosed GAD and Depressed after my first marriage ended due to infidelity.  So this is very likely the past creeping up on me.

[RockRose]

Concerned,  another thought.  I just reread your title.  Do you honestly feel like you can't trust anyone?  This sounds like classic paranoia,  especially your line about believing he is so good to you so you won't suspect.

Best wishes.  I think you're on the right track asking for help,  and think you need to have a psychiatric eval soon.

[RockRose]

Yes,  truthfully,  this sounds delusional to me.    Considering how long you've been with him and didn't feel this way,  until the end of a pregnancy sounds like it's hormone related.

To have a small nagging doubt sounds normal - but to have a full blown psychiatric episode that lasted for 5 days,  I think you need to have a psychiatric evaluation because this thought pattern seems delusional,  and not based on anything that's happening in the real world,  and is controlling your thought pattern.

Best wishes.