Feelings Hurt By Brother-in-law

[teddybears4ever2]

My brother-in-law is very much like my brother.  We are good friends, and usually get along very well. Now birthdays are a big deal to me, and he knows that.
On his birthday I was nice to him and sent him a text. He was happy with how nice I was being to him.
Well my birthday was on Monday, and tons of people called me and posted on my facebook page. I heard nothing from him. I was a little sad and I guess mad at him that he didn't say anything to me. Well he came over to pick up something for his computer from my husband tonight, and said NOTHING to me indicating that he cared. My feelings were hurt, but I hid it from him.
Now you might think that I could just talk to him about this, but I can't.  Not for lack of not trying, but for fear of setting him off. I have gotten into it with him a lot over the past 7 years. I have to keep my mouth shut. What else can I do?

[RockRose]

Teddy,  since I don't know you at all,  you are a complete stranger to me,  so I don't think you should take a question as an insult.  

I can't make heads or tails about why you had this pretty extreme reaction to his not acknowledging your birthday,  in any other context,  besides that you have feelings for him that are beyond friendship/family caring.  

For example,  did you go through your list of tons and tons of acknowledgements on Facebook and mentally compare it to those you had sent facebook birthday greetings and texts to,  to make sure everyone you happy birthdayd also sent you a greeting?   I'm guessing you didn't.

If you had said you know,  for his birthday we spent a lot of money on him and threw him a party and for me,  he doesn't even have the decency to say happy birthday.  We'd all get that,  honestly.

All you did for him is send him a text and were "nice to him".  That's the very barest minimum you can do to acknowledge someone's birthday,  but it's the kind of thing women do if they have a rockin' crush on someone.   After that little tiny acknowlegment,  they sit back and wait for a response in kind.  

It was just a question,  something to consider.  Maybe you can search your heart and come up with another reason why you have reacted so strongly and with so much hurt over an oversight on his part.

The timing of your post - written 3 days after your birthday - to me looks like you felt hurt for 3 days before deciding to post.  Surely there are other people in your life who didn't acknowledge your birthday but you have theirs in the past,  and it doesn't appear to affect you like this.

But, it's your life.  I don't know you,  although this question certainly has your sister riled up,  who I also don't know.

[specialmom]

I must say that I agree that you over reacted.  This seems odd to me that you've posted this way about your brother in law (hey . . . I've got a few of those myself) to be honest.  

This post makes me wonder if you are depressed or something and looking for validation that people care??  

Anyway, why didn't your sister remind him or ask him to call you??  Or perhaps he is sending you a message that your expectations of him are something he is growing tired of.  OR . .. he just forgot (most likely).  

We could all get our feelings hurt a million times if we let things bother us.  When you make a big deal out of someone else's birthday . .. it becomes less of a nice gesture when you do it because you expect the same from them.  good luck

[teddybears4ever2]

I have not now, nor will I ever have a thing for him. Rockrose do not ask such questions. Like I said before, he is like my brother. Nothing more, nothing less.  
Everything my sister said above is true.

[skepticalpeach]

Dear RockRose,

Teddybears' 1st sentence is "My brother-in-law is very much like my brother." That means she is married and not interested in her extended family, or anyone else for that matter. I don't know why you asked that, it doesn't seem very nice.

I'm teddybear4ever2's sister and I can say that her in-laws make a pretty big deal of birthdays so it would be highly unlikely that he forgot about it. They've even bought my DD birthday gifts. I don't know why he didn't say anything; I really don't know.

[RockRose]

teddybear,  do you have a "thing" for him?  Don't answer that too quickly.

[boognell]

Some people )(I am one of them sometimes!) just forget birthdays. It doesn't mean they don't love you, they just don't think it is as important as you do; hence, they forget. I had a dear friend who thought birthdays were so important and I forgot hers in January of this year. Of course she didn't forget mine in February! And then she passed away in June and I won't ever have the chance to make it up to her. But I think she knows anyway. Don't sweat it, he's (your brother-in-law) is probably just like me: he loves you but just forgets birthdays. Just try to forget; after all, look at everyone who remembered. Concentrate on them instead.

[Londres70]

Not to be rude, but I think you are overreacting.  

Did he talk to you at all when he came to get something for his computer? Did you talk to him?  

Perhaps he was preoccupied with something going on in his life and wasn't thinking about your birthday?  

I wouldn't "grill" him about this.  Plus, you even admitted you have a tedency to "get into" with him.  Just let it go in my opinion.  Don't make nothing into something.  Yes, birthdays are special and it is nice when people remember yours and you remember theirs but........things happen.

Next time you talk, you could possibly state "Oh, I am getting up there in age especially since this last birthday."  I would consider this an "indirect" approach and see what he says or how he responds.  I wouldn't directly state "How come you didn't call me or text me on my birthday?  I texted you on your birthday."  Don't do that.  

There have been times when I simply forgot my mother's birthday, father's birthday, my parent's anniversary, etc.  I then realise what happened and wish them a belated birthday, etc.  Life is so busy with a career, children, etc. somethings just get forgotten occasionally.