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1775890 tn?1317604833

Fiance And I Having Trouble

I have known my fiance, for a year and have been engaged to him since March 15. We've had a rough beginning but always worked it out in the end and we've been the best of friends since we met. We always have each other's back and we always have good communication.

About a month ago, things started getting really rough between us. Eventually he came to tell me that he had this other girl, whom he had known for 10 years on his mind. That he loved her and kind of wanted to be together but things were complicated. He said he didn't know what he had, until it was gone (referring to the fact that we had moved away from where she was living down to AL). And for a couple of weeks, he has been trying to get a hold of her (no luck) and he's been trying to get rid of the what-if's.

I'm just not sure what I should do. I don't know if staying would be a good thing anymore but I love him so much. He still loves me and wants us to be together and he blames himself every day for the things that have happened. I just don't know if it's possible for things to eventually work out, even if both parties are trying.

I just want him happy but he was my life, and I had to rethink that for a moment. So I'm kind of lost, now that he's decided that she isn't worth his time and he wants us to try to work this thing out.

So what would you do in this situation?
What should I do?
Do you see any hope for us?
What do you think we need to do in order to possibly make this work?

Thanks for any answers!
10 Responses
13167 tn?1327197724
Stop.  You're only 20,  and you're  too young to marry.    Really - you're too young to marry.  

This man wants to find this other girl - he's hooked on her. OR he's hooked on not settling down.  Or something.  

Don't do it.  

Avatar universal
He has given you a "red flag"  or a good reason not to even been in a serious relationship with him let alone a marriage.  BTW:  I think you are too young as well for marriage.  It is better to break up as "fiance and fiancee"  than divorcing as "husband and wife."

He has told you he has been thinking about this girl/women for a long time.  

It seems alot of times men tell us women things that should be considered "warnings" or "red flags," but for some reason we think we can "change" his mind or ways.  

  

Avatar universal
Lots of red flags and you're probably not going to want to hear any of this or any of the above posters information either, but here it goes.  By the way, I by no means am the authority on relationships.  I almost destroyed my 19 year marriage.... but I have been around the block and will point out the obvious regarding your situation based on the information you've given.

Your age.  You are 20... I know a lot of people who thought they were plenty mature enough, had done a lot of living and decided to get married.  Every single one of them is divorced and cannot stand their spouse.

#2.  You've known this guy for a year.  You knew him for 5 months before you got engaged and have been engaged for what, 7 months?  Your age ties into this directly...... what is the desperate need to get married at 20 anyhow?

#3.  If the guy is hooked on this girl now, what does that say about your relationship?  He wants to marry you, but cant get this girl off his mind.... looks like you're in the back seat....

I'd say be thankful that this is happening now, not after you tied the knot.  I'd take a good look at myself and figure out why I am so needy for this guy, especially at the age of 20.  I'd then look into some therapy to address some of your personal issues.  I sense you being a bit needy and perhaps some self esteem issues.... there is nothing wrong with that, and getting help regarding those issues is better now that down the road anyhow.

Do yourself a favor and speak with a therapist.  The information you can get here can be priceless, but the real information you need comes from within yourself and a therapist can tap into that.
1035252 tn?1427231433
Not sure if anyone else mentioned this but...he's been trying to get ahold of her. don't delude yourself. He hasn't decided he's done with her, he's just given up FOR NOW. if she shows up again in your lives, you're history to him and he's gonna be gone faster than you can blink.

you know what...it really stinks. you spent the last year of your life on this loser. just be glad it wasn't longer, cut your losses, and run before it's too late.

you are worth WAY MORE than a guy who "can't get another girl off his mind", tries to get in touch with her, can't, and pretends like he's moved on.
1415482 tn?1459706314
Do not do it girl just dnt. U will b miserable. U will always spend ur life playing second fiddle to this girl. Harsh as it is true, u will always be the result of what he never got. U deserve so much more and u have to believe that go find someone who loves YOU and do not waste ur time with this person. Do you. You will feel so horrible about urself and feel like u could never measure up. It is not worth working twice as hard to make up for him loving someone else when u could start life with a more deserving human being....the nerve of that guy...
Avatar universal
Are you in school or any type of continued education?  Are you working toward a career? Do you know if he has the qualities/characteristics that you want in a spouse? (honest, loving, loyal, has the same goals as you, has the same beliefs, same religion, likes many of the same things, etc.). As the saying goes, "birds of a feather flock together". The saying that opposites attract is untrue. You want to make sure you know yourself and are fairly settled before getting married. Hopefully marriage lasts a life time, so you don't want to marry someone who you are unsure of.

It is a big red flag that he is really thinking about another girl while engaged to you. Personally, I don't think he is worth it and you want a man who loves you completely and is excited to marry you, not thinking about what ifs or some old flame. He's even been trying to get ahold of her! which is astonishing to me, because he shouldn't be even thinking of other women. You and him got engaged while still in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship, when things all seem so wonderful and everything can be worked out, without truly getting to know him. You have now gotten to know him more and can see his true colors. He is still stuck on another woman and isn't thinking of you. I suggest you leave him and don't look back. Figure out your life and do your best to have the future you want.
1775890 tn?1317604833
I appreicate everyone's comment and for taking the time to write to me.

I know 20 to some is too young but I'm not going to live forever, so why wait just because of what is not considered normal or because of a whole bunch of reasons. I'm going to do what I think is best as far as that goes and I'm not going to worry about my age when I get married. Plus we're not going to be getting married until everything is figured out and I feel like it's the best decision for me.

Me and him have been through a lot together and apart. My mother was verbally abusive to me and his ex was physically and verbally abuses to him. So we have been through a lot together in our past, so we have a lot of things that I would have rather not experiences over our head but that is just something we've gone through. So we've been through a lot and he's not a bad guy, he's a really great man just he's having a hard time right now.

And I guess I kind of already know the answer to this question. I plan to stay with him until I know for sure that there is no way we have a chance together. I love him too much and we care too much about each other.

I thank you for all of your comments and I appreciate it.
Avatar universal
Why wait? Because you are still figuring out who you are and what you want(still maturing). You're young and those that get married young, have a higher chance of divorce. I don't think you would want that, and most think that they are the "exception to the case", but typically you're not. Your past experiences mean little when it comes to whether or not you are ready to be married. It doesn't matter what you have been through, as that does not correlate with maturity and readiness. Life experiences will help make you ready, such as traveling, having a college degree, living on your own first prior to marriage, knowing exactly who you and who you are marrying, having great communication, and so on. You barely know this guy and jumped into being engaged extremely quickly(barely 5 months before getting engaged, which is still the honeymoon phase of a relationship). You've gotten great advice from many knowledgeable women(and man, Brice is very smart and helpful), so I do hope you really think about everything that was said. There are a lot of red flags here that you are ignoring by staying with this guy. He keeps thinking of another woman that is not you! You really want to be with a guy who keeps thinking of another woman? Here you are planning to get married, and he has this want to be with someone else. That is huge and not something to take lightly. When you get engaged, you should know prior to asking or accepting the offer that you know exactly who the other person is and know 100% that you want to marry that person. Personally, I would say to break off the engagement at the very least until he can make up his mind, since you want to stay with him. Although if I were you, I'd leave and find a guy who loves me and wants to marry me, not thinking of another woman. I would be extremely upset if my fiance was thinking of someone else, but I know he loves me and only wants me. Good luck.
Avatar universal
I wish you all the best and happiness.  

Given you and your bf's pasts,  I would HIGHLY recommend some sort of therapy if you all continue to stay together.  

Your age was of one concern, but what was more concerning is that he told you he has been thinking about another woman plus he loved her.  If I were you I would have been done at that point.  Even if he said this because he was mad the point is he still said it.  

Just think you deserve better.
Avatar universal
I want to say a big thank you for the good work you have done in my life and that of my friend Peggy, for

helping her to get her job back and others you have helped in one way or the other. What more can i say,

please keep up the good work and thanks a million times for bringing my partner back to me, and for the

sake of those that will love to contact him, you can contact him via email ***@****. Roxxane
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