Boyfriend watches porn & lies about it

[Frustrated2themax]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and last month I had a feeling that he's been watching porn lately because he takes his phone to the bathroom with him all the time. He says it's in case work calls but I needed to know for myself. So I went on his phone when it wasnt attached to him and I looked in his phone history because I knew he was lying to me when I asked him if he's been watching it. I wish I didn't because hes been on a bunch of different sites. It pissed me off, made me upset and made me feel worthless. It killed my self esteem and made me wonder what was wrong with me, made me wonder if he wasn't attracted to me anymore. So i confronted him about it and he flipped out on me for looking at his phone and changed his password immediately. I was more angry that he lied straight to my face and was okay with it than him watching porn. How can you lie straight to someone face who you supposedly love?
This made me think "what the hell else is he hiding from me and looking at!?" I also saw pictures of naked women in his photo album on his phone and he said that they were automatically updated on his new phone from iCloud and were originally from his old phone. I deleted those pictures in front of him and he didn't care at all. I just don't know what to do, it does bother me that he watches porn, I know that's what he's doing in the bathroom when hes up there for 10 minutes and then doesn't flush the toilet afterwards and there isn't anything in it and he wasn't in there showering. I'm not stupid. And I've heard it through the vent that leads right to the bathroom from our bedroom and he still lied to me about it! Should I stay with him and just deal with his phone addiction or is this a sign to get out now?

[Effelump]

Im having the same problem ive been with my partner for 5 years n the love i have for him ive never had bfor he knows i have issues with it as i saw it when i was a little girl n ran behind the sofa crying it scared me but he still goes on porn n then lies about it which i always catch him out n wen i ask him why he goes on it he says he dont know or its bcos nothing as happened between us for a few days he as a very high sex drive hes asked me to do vids for him so he dont go on porn but that dont make no differnts weve been here more than a handfull of times

[specialmom]

Hi effelump.  Welcome.  Gosh, sorry you are having this issue with your partner.  You don't have to participate in porn or watch it ----  you don't like it.  Kind of insensitive for him to ask you to actually make one for him!  But in truth, I think many men do watch porn . . .  and it is harmless.  However, when he is lying about it and is it really often?  Does he have an issue of using sex and masturbation and porn as a way to deal with anxiety/stress/depression?  Some people do and it is very much an addiction at that point.  Not sure how much of an issue this is for him but if it is just occasional, I'd try to let it go.  If it is often, speak to him about maybe talking to a therapist.  good luck

[Haybay44]

Hi. I'm sorry to hear about this. I know how you feel. I'm in the same boat. My boyfriend and I   Have been together for 16 months after two months of dating he told me he didnt want to have sex anymore for religious reasons until we were married (if we ever got married) but he has never and still to this day has not been able to tell me that he knows he wants to marry me or knows he doesnt want to marry me nothing , he cant tell me anything !!! weve  broken up a lot in the reasons we get back together or petty I doubt he even wants to be with me at the moment, but he truly acts like he does so who knows. Hes away for work every two weeks, and watches porn. And LIES ABOUT IT ! The lying is the worst part. But when hes home, he does not act slightly interested in me sexually or emotionally. He says he believes we shouldnt have sex until we are married it goes behind my back and lies about getting off to other women. Which have always been sexier, bigger boobs women that are skinnier than me. It really hurts our relationship but I feel like I cant let him go.

[abyyybeanzz]

Same problem except he went on craigslist looking for girls to hook up in our city naked pics and all iam heartbroken :( he said it was nuthin but **** himmm!!

[nursegirl6572]

That he laid a hand on you (which is an understatement) should 100% be a deal breaker for you.  I don't care what his reason is, there IS no excuse for a man EVER putting his hands on a woman.

This isn't even a close call hon.  The porn is the least of your worries.  Run run run...far away from him, and don't look back.

[TTinKKerBBell]

These are TWO very HUGE Red Flags - the porn issue is plenty enough to walk away from but to be physical is NOT to be tolerated, ever, under NO circumstance.  Don't give this a second chance - it is NEVER excusable !!

You said "I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who can treat me this way"  - well, then, DON'T!!  Break Your engagement and exit from this relationship entirely!! I can almost guarantee this will not end well if You continue Your relationship with this man.

I'm sorry You don't realize this for YourSelf.  I'm sorry You need to look here for an answer but I'm certain everyone here will agree You should leave.

GoodLuck

[SadPrincess]

I am having your exact same issue now. My boyfriend (fiance now) hides his addiction. Last night it got physical. I tried to grab his phone so I could just see what he was watching and he literally choked me. I did slap him. But he was just blatantly lying to me. Im so hurt. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who can treat me this way. He wasn't in a relationship for about 5 years. He is 31 years old. He told me porn was all he had. But he has me now and still does it. We have sex about 2-4 times a day. Im worried and saddened. Please HELP!! Thanks!

[TTinKKerBBell]

This is good news!!  It says a lot for His value for You and the Relationship.
I think He knows what Your issue with the phone is also but the important thing is He wants the Relationship to work more than He wants the porn.
Good Luck.

[specialmom]

Well, that is great.  Glad he is making an effort.  I suspect he does indeed know your issues with the phone . . .  but as long as he is making an effort to live within your boundary, this is good news.  Hope it keeps up.  good luck to you!!

[Frustrated2themax]

I gave him an ultimatum and basically told him that there is no need to bring his phone to the bathroom and that if he doesnt stop doing it then i can't stay with him. Starting that day, he did not bring his phone to the bathroom once. He has been leaving it on the table whenever he goes to the bathroom. This has given me hope that maybe he does still love me and is willing to do anything to make this relationship work. He doesn't understand my reasons for getting upset over the phone but he IS making an effort to make me happy and improve our relationship.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I think there is a huge clue in the fact He does this when You are home.   It's not "private" when You are there, it may be behind a closed bathroom door but You are not only present, it appears You know what's going on - that's NOT being "private".  That's another reason I see this as a possible problem.

It seems to me if watching porn is a simple "choice" one would do it with Their partner OR when They are alone.  Porn "addiction" is a serious problem, I again urge You to read "Your Brain On Porn - it's on the web - and then I urge You to be gone if He shows no interest in addressing this.

Good Luck on Your choice.

[vicki595]

Well...it's a little hard for me to speak to his proclivity without hearing his side. This could be a very small deal and you're just insecure. He may have had pictures for a long time and maybe he looks at them. Guys do that...women do to.

Our sexuality is the most private part of our being. It's just private. I don't think we have to explain what we do or what we look at or what we like to ANYONE. It may be a problem and it may not. He may be porn addicted or not. It's so hard to say...

You don't say how he is otherwise. Is he a good guy? Good lover and willing participant? Any erectile difficulties? Does he treat you with respect and kindness other than this incident?

Keep in mind, this is not about you at all. Whatever stage he's at regarding porn is pure fantasy.

I think more guys look at porn than not. It's all about degrees and moderation. Did something cause you to start sneaking around and checking on him? Honestly, I think that's worse than what he's doing. I don't mean to be harsh but we all have a right to privacy and I KNOW I would be furious if I thought my husband was spying on me, listening to me through the bathroom vent (OMG!!)and going through my phone. There are many things he might misconstrue...but he doesn't do that to me. I don't do it to him and you know why?  It just does not come to any good end to spy on someone. Things are often misunderstood AND you need to be prepared for what you might uncover. I'd rather be dumb,frankly. Do you get what I'm suggesting? If it's otherwise a good relationship, don't dig. He's defensive now but he might get pretty angry and make up your mind for you!

Respect his privacy and pay attention to what involves you. I don't think this does. Just my two cents...

[nrhawkins]

I don't understand why people bring up the fact that woman do it too.. I know a BUNCH of woman who can't even bare to look at other people when their in a relationship. It's a bit ridiculous if they can't handle giving up something easily if it hurts the other badly. Men say that they just want to get it done. Well, you have a partner who's willing to do anything for you even if they're not in the mood. If he's lying about it too, there's no excuse for that. It shows he's not grown enough to take responsibility over a problem. I would understand the whole insecurity because the male is literally looking at another woman naked and looking up specific people.. That's a bit troubling if they have a woman they prefer to look at. It's definitely not private either if she's in the same house and KNOWS what he's doing. This whole thing is just not right at all. There were studies done as well that show that men who watch porn are more likely to cheat than men who don't watch porn. It just shows that they're really not ready for commitment. If he's lying about something simple like this, then he'll lie about larger issues like cheating even if he claims that he's not going to cheat. There's also woman who ask to watch it with them but they deny.. There's really no excuse for them to do this ********. I get couples need to have their own private things to do, but porn is not a good hobby.

[specialmom]

Thanks for chiming in.  And welcome to the forum.  

[Londres70]

I am with you 100% on this one.

[Londres70]

Your statement..."Should I stay with him and just deal with his phone addiction or is this a sign to get out now?"  My response....this is a sign to get out.  You all haven't been together that long and he is already doing this......LEAVE.  

Find someone who doesn't have this issue that's going to drive you insane trying to deal with.  

No therapy, no books to read, no "heart to heart talk"........get your things and leave dear.  
.

[specialmom]

Well, good luck dear.  It IS odd that he knows you see him go to the bathroom with his phone and he sticks to the work excuse.  Like he's gonna answer when he is in the 'middle of business' anyway.  hey, I've got an idea.  Call him next time he takes his phone into the bathroom.  Ha ha

Seriously though, he is pretty into his habits.  This is worrisome.  I think you need to work on this and resolve it or move on.  good luck and peace

[Frustrated2themax]

I wouldn't care if he was masterbating without the porn, it just upsets me when he goes to the bathroom with his phone. There is NO need for that, it's a lame excuse. If his work calls and he isn't there to pick it up that second, so what, he can call them back when he gets out of the bathroom. This is really depressing and youre right, I'm not going to take it to the next level until he changes. I've asked him to leave his phone when he goes to the bathroom and he just asks why. And I say because I can't go on it anyways, you changed the password remember, so there's NO need to bring it with you. And he ignores me and brings it with him anyways. Thanks for your advice on this. I really appreciate it.

[specialmom]

Well, you've expressed to him now that his watching porn hurts you.  That is why he is lying to you.  That is the reason . . . you'll be mad or hurt and he doesn't want to go there.  Ugh.  This means he's motivated to continue doing it.  Question is why.  Instead of trying to catch him doing it, I would assume he is.  I would assume he has some affinity for it and now you must problem solve.  Don't ask him if he IS watching porn . . .  ask him WHY he is watching it and what exactly he gets out of it.  Ask him why he'd rather continue watching porn or looking at naked pics than respect how you feel about it.  Have those kinds of direct conversations with him rather than continue accusing and looking for evidence.

I'd have these conversations with as little emotion as possible because his answers are clues to what is going on with him and this is what you need to know to evaluate this relationship.

If it is a release issue, well---  what else can he do?  Are you okay with him masterbating without the porn?  I will say the problem with porn is some men get desensitized to it and have to watch higher levels and more of it to experience the same thing they used to with less.  Ugh to that.  But you really want to know what his driving force is.  If it is simply impulse and he can't give up the idea of having porn in his life, you've got a problem is this is a deal breaker for you.  He's not even at the point that he wants to admit to you he loves it and watches it frequently.  

Again, let me say that this is not about you being good enough or sexy enough.  It has nothing to do with that 99 percent of the time for men.  porn is seperate from real life.  

As you have been dating for a long time and you've thought of him as the one, I would not take this relationship to the next level unless you get some counseling together.  

I would think about things in terms of he IS watching porn rather than catching him in lies.  You are going to have to get to the bottom of it and see if it is something he will alter and if not, what you can and can't accept.  It's hard.  sorry you have to deal with this.  good luck

[Frustrated2themax]

Thank you for your input, and I never listened for flushes or anything until I saw that he was watching porn so much on his phone. I trusted him until I saw naked pictures of women he googled after he said he was in the bathroom with a stomach ache. I love this man to death and I would hate to see this ruin our relationship. I've talked to him about it multiple times and he denies doing it while I'm in the house but I know he was just watching it bc I saw it on his phone. Now I don't know which bothers me more, him watching it or him lying to me about it. I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone..it upsets me. He tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful and sexy, but here's another thing, sometimes he closes his eyes while we're having sex sometimes for a minute or two, what is he thinking about or who? Do most men do this? I thought this was the man who was "the one" and now I'm having my doubts.

[specialmom]

Oh my goodness.  Let me touch on two things.  First, you are following your boyfriend to the bathroom to see if anything is in the toilet?  You trust him so little that you check to see if he went potty?  You're listening for flushes?  You are checking his phone . . .  which is an invasion of privacy.  This kind of thing will drive you crazy.  I say you because it becomes obsessive and desperate and just isn't good for you.

Secondly, if porn bothers you, discuss boundaries with your boyfriend.  It most likely has nothing at all to do with you for why he watches porn.  Lots of men do, really.  And it doesn't mean they aren't attracted to or love their partners.  Do not let it make you feel like you are not enough for him.  Some men would like to have that quick release without all of the 'work' that goes into relations with their partner.  

Now, you are entitled to your feelings and boundaries on porn.  I get it and am lucky that my husband isn't into it at all.  You can talk to him about how it bothers you but make sure you are clear why.  To me, it is more bothersome that it is demoralizing to women and gives someone a fake perception of what sex between two loving adults is supposed to be like rather than I don't look like a porn star.  So, when you have a conversation, be clear about what you want him to know.  Then you can ask him to give it up.  Not in a pouty, I'm mad kind of way but a 'we're adults and I'd rather not have a partner that indulges secretly in porn on a regular basis'.  Then ask him why he watches.  Be open to what he says.  It is likely along the lines of the quick release theory.  Be empathetic to him while still setting the bounary you are comfortable with.  If it is no porn ever, then so be it.  Ask him to respect you.  He either will or he won't but you need to be clear with yourself what you'll do if he won't.  Is this something you'll leave the relationship over?  

but I think communication and boundary setting is the key here.  Stop driving yourself nuts checking up on him and listening for toilet flushes.  Talk about it out in the open withOUT all the emotion.  Just have a heart to heart about what your expectations are from a partner.  He'll live up to it or he won't.  good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

This is not a "phone addiction" this is a porn addiction.This is not about You - it's about HIM!!  Don't allow YourSelf to feel it's Your shortcoming.  IT'S NOT!!  This is His issue.  You won't be able to "deal" with HIS addiction - HE has to "deal" with it.
You should read "Your Brain on Porn" by Brian Wilson for a real "eye opener" about what porn addiction really is and how severly it can affect a relationship.
Personally for me, this would be a sign to get out now and I would be grateful that I had only invested 6 months out of the rest of my Life.

[RainLover71]

I feel for you and it's wrong because he should be committed to you totally but statistics say that up to 90% of men & 40% of women down load porn at some stage in their lives.It sounds like he has an addiction & needs to do something about it,porn addiction can lead to being unfaithful & that's what you don't want.There is so much porn on the internet these days it's a joke,it's taken the love out of relationships & I'm convinced it is making more people tempted in wanting to cheat.It's fair to say that porn addiction has caused many failed relationships.I hope he gets some help.