Fiancee seems cold and distant

[marketistheking]

Hi everyone,

I am 30 yrs old(mixed Latino) and my fiancee(she is white) is 23 years old. I met my girl in Feb 2017 and we been in happy relationship for the last 2 and half years.  live in UK and she lives in Germany/ But we meet every month and spend atleast few weeks together. Everything was going great. She is very sensitive and family oriented girl. She introduced her parents to me last year in July but her dad, grand mother didn't like me because I am not white. She told me this last year july but our relationship remained strong even after.

This years May 2019, one night she cried to me and said "oh baby, i know its a guy thing but i can't resist sking you...will you marry me and cried ? i was like wow this girl is in so much love and i proposed her after few weeks and she said yes. She planned to move to UK to live with me in July first second week. So she went home on July 6th to meet her parents.  Till July 5th everything was great, but she seems very cold and distant after july 6th. She messaged me " Baby, i am scared to move to another country because i feel i will be dependent on you all the time and may be i need bit of time. After that i never asked her about moving to UK but she seems very cold and distant.  I even told her i dont want to pressure u and dont want to talk about moving. But she seems ignoring my messages now though i didnt say anything wrong to her. I stopped messaging her as well for the last two days. I am really not happy because I have no idea whats in her mind.

[specialmom]

I wanted to see how it is going?  Any update?  Hope you are doing alright.

[AnnieBrooke]

When you say that you live in the UK and she lives in Germany, are you saying she is German and you are British, in other words, citizens of those countries who have lived there all your lives? Or are you there for work and are from somewhere else? She met you when she was 20, is that correct? I am thinking the problem is that (is she is German and thinking of leaving her home and the culture she has known all her life, for good) possibly she is too young to make this leap. It would be one thing if you were both cosmopolitan job nomads who have lived in several countries and are neither of you in your country of birth now, but it's another for a quite young woman who is from only one place to contemplate leaving it forever. Would you consider moving to Germany, as specialmom asks? Not that it would be easy if her parents are not happy with you, but it might solve your girlfriend's issues.

[marketistheking]

I born in Brazil and she born in Germany. She lived all her life in Germany and I met her when i was on holiday in Germany. I work in IT so i went and worked from her place often.

[AnnieBrooke]

When you say "I was born in Brazil," rather than saying you are Brazilian, does that mean your family was from another country and you were born in Brazil and then lived elsewhere? I'm trying to assess the possibility of cultural differences in how you communicate and connect. If you are Brazilian and she is German, there could be a very large difference. [If your gf was 'born in Germany and lived there all her life,' I assume you are saying she is German.] On the other hand, if your family was from somewhere else and merely happened to be living in Brazil when you were born, you will have gotten your communication patterns more from them and less from the culture. And (depending on where they were from), you might be entirely in sync with how your girlfriend thinks, feels and communicates, and emotive differences might not have anything to do with the problem here.

Whether or not this is at the root of the problem, I guess that in your shoes, I would either consider this a narrow escape (if you seriously only asked her to marry you because you thought "Wow, this girl is so much in love," that is not a good reason to get married); or if you love her as much as she seemed to love you, get on a plane, go see her and ask what has changed. You can't do these things online.

[marketistheking]

Yes I didn't messaged her fir the last few days left it. I booked a flight ticket for the next week. I go to her and ask. I am not sure will she meet me ?

[AnnieBrooke]

Do you mean meet you at the airport, or even see you at all when you are there? I would not read much into whether she will meet you at the airport, but if she will not see you at all, then you will have your answer that it is all over. She is very young.

[marketistheking]

what u mean she is young??? she is 24 !!!

[AnnieBrooke]

I was relying on the information you have given; in your first post above, you said she is 23.

Having once been 23 (and having once been 24), I can assure you that a girl from a close-knit family (as shown by their protectiveness) in a stable or even somewhat rigid society like Germany will have been sheltered not only by her family but by her culture. When I married at 24, I did it out of my father's house, moved two miles away, and saw my parents and sisters all the time; they were a big part of my social life, as was my husband's family (and he was 34). The family remains a big part of the picture even that "late". Your fiance impulsively confessed she wished to be married to you;  she didn't say "I want to leave everything I know and all the friends I have," and while it might have seemed like an adventure, she is telling you truthfully that it scares her.  

I do think there is a cultural component at work here. Maybe in Brazil, girls expect to get married young, move away and never look back, but probably not so much in Germany.

[specialmom]

Ah, that's hard.  Sounds like she went home and got a 'talking to' from her parents. So much so that she is in a place of feeling torn.  I hope that this can be overcome.  Love, unfortunately, doesn't conquer all.  I'd like to think it does but in reality, it can't.  If she is valuing her parents opinion and picturing the risks involved with being with you, it's hard.  Example is that indeed, it is a huge deal to pick up and move.  She's a woman and I don't know what her job prospects are. But that she is all of a sudden talking about being too dependent on you when hey, she talked about marrying you and having a full life together, this sounds like a topic her parents are really hammering her on.  Secondly, another risk is that her parents will never accept you.  Silly reasons they have not to!  But none the less, if she wants a peaceful life, she may view being with you as something that is going to keep her from having cohesiveness.  Ugh.  And her parents are possibly making a big deal about being away from them for when you two would have kids, etc. and are encouraging her to be very practical.  I don't know.  

But I think if I were you, she owes you an explanation.  A simple "I'm not trying to push you . . ." but I need to know what the deal is. What's going on?  Why is this change happening?

How open are you to moving to where she lives?

[marketistheking]

Yes i asked her... ""Baby i know there is something changed, please tell me what is in your mind. Every problem as a solution but i like to know what is in your mind. I am happy to listen whatever you gonna say but it is better to be frank and open rather than keeping it inside u.."" but no reply from her!!! last 3 weeks i am living a very difficult life!! she gave me expectation to live together and marry and have kids!! but now she is backing off without teling me anything...so hard!!

What u think I should do ?

[specialmom]

You are in a really tough place.  I think you are forced to give her some space.  Maybe one more text saying "I understand you don't want to talk and you need some time.  Please know I'm here if you do want to talk and I miss you."  If she never contacts you for a month or two months, move on.  I'm so very sorry. It's cowardly to do what she is doing.  But she is probably very torn.  she doesn't want to do it but may feel like it is best in whatever ways she is making a priority right now.  and you have to accept it.  

Are you willing to move where she is?

[marketistheking]

""Baby, I can't explain what happened, but I am now very confused with my feelings. Very confused. I am not sure about my future. Give me some time, please."" This is the message i got from her today. I haven't replied anything

[AnnieBrooke]

It seems consistent with what we have been suggesting, which is that she was following her impulses in wanting to marry you and is now having to figure out whether she wants to leave her life behind. My suggestion is that you not fly to see her, it might not be enough time for her to get her head together about what she is doing.

[marketistheking]

Yes i wont message her or see her..she is going to america for 1 month during september for internship..so i think i wont write her or see her till september end...hope she wont forget me if i dont write her?

[AnnieBrooke]

It sounds like she wants that amount of space. As long as you are not over-dramatic about it (no huffy statement along the lines of "All RIGHT then, TAKE your darn time in America, see if I care!" or any such) she will  be glad of time to clarify her intentions. Either she will ultimately tell you she can't do it or tell you she wants to do it. It's her decision, and I would guess you cannot influence outcomes the way you would wish. (Unless, of course, you act sulky or fussy, in which case you will probably influence outcomes against yourself.) Try to bear up. If I had to guess, I would say that something has happened either with her family or in her social circle that has tilted her sense of what she thought she wanted, and she wants time to think it over.

[marketistheking]

ok thanks..i will just leave it and wait for her to answer me. If she says no, I will move on with my life and wish her luck as I truly loved her.