Hi there and welcome. Sorry about this situation! what kinds of conversations have you had with him when you tell him you miss those elements to your relationship? What's his response? Do you instigate it and then how does he respond? Any other issues going on within the relationship?
How old is your husband, and when was he diagnosed with "low T"? How "low" was his T?
People have to be VERY cautious. While low testosterone certainly CAN be an issue for some men, it's basically being used as a huge marketing ploy to push these newer meds, like the androgel. The REALLY unfortunate thing about some of these unwarranted diagnosis and treatments is that they often cause other possible issues (ie depression, anxiety, thyroid problems, etc) to be completely overlooked.
Please take a look at these links:
I know that's kind of off topic from your question, but I felt compelled to mention it, because if indeed your husband has fallen into the ever growing category of men being Rx'ed T replacement hormones when it's not necessary, then that could explain some of what you describe, especially if he's being treated for low T when in actuality there is something else going on (again, ie depression) that's being left unmanaged.
Thank you for your comment : Husband is 43 , im 48 ---- This has been going on for a year. He was diagnosed & had his T levels tested 2 times now. Once at the begining when he went for a physical - Low T, Diabetis & HB... Started meds ... We started working out, he lost alot of weight. which the second blood test revealed better levels. except in the LowT so that is when he got on the Gel. We have had several discussion about the Low T & the intimacy. We have sex only when he initiates becuase it is too emotionally painful for him & I when he can not sustain the erection. The conversation about the intimacy will help for awhile but then goes back .. I tell him the sex is no big deal but I need the emotional connection of kissing, holding and caring that we are lacking. I feel rejected more by the lack of intimacy. It is effecting how I feel about my marriage & him..
Thanks for the additional info. Has he seen a urologist?
Because a lot of times, erectile dysfunction is related to a mechanical problem, which is usually assessed by and ruled out (or in) by a Urologist. Have his sexual issues improved at all after starting the androgel?
I would definitely recommend a referral to a Urologist. Good luck!
Some what , not like before , Thanks , I will suggest that to him... He is a typical mail & doesn't like going to Drs.
This situation (ED=Erectile Dysfunction) is very common with patients diagnosed with Hypertension (HB) and Diabetes as these conditions can affect the vascular system causing poor circulation causing ED. The low T level is surely making matters worse. The hormone replacement sounds reasonable, however, he should follow up with an Urologist to rule out if there is an problem with the circulation to the genital region. NG has already stated this above (Urologist referral).
I am sure he is feeling less of a man at this point because he has difficulties maintaining an erection and this is impeding his sex life, so he has to deal with this physically, emotionally and psychologically thus wreaking havoc on the intimacy. You definitely sound frustrated and upset.
What exactly is he telling you when you talk to him about needing more intimacy?
Are you initiating any kissing, touching, caressing, etc. with him?
He is frustrated when he can't perform or less well so I don't initiate much because I don't want to put any undue pressure on him thinking I want SEX. But he doesn't even touch me Period unless he wants some & that is due to the Gel boosting things. So how can I feel anything but frustration regarding the lack of intimacy. Like I'm only worth a dang if he is wanting some.
He went to get his meds.at Pharm. and was told he had to see Dr. for next refills so I will stress to him about the Urologist.
I know this is a medical thing & it is not what he wants either but all the information on the websites focuses on the man and the meds. It never tells them that during this time while they are getting this diagnosed & treated they might want to be Consciously more sensitive (intimate, holding hands, cuddling etc.) to thier Wife/girlfriend etc..that is going thru this with them so we don't feel worthless, undesirable etc... . (sorry for my pitty party)
I don't know that this will help You in particular but I would like to suggest that Your Husband may be "holding back" because He realizes He has a "performance" issue and He is concerned about 'one thing leading to another' and doesn't want to feel He can't 'complete' You.
We must remember that Men are wired differently - for them intimacy is sexual performance. As You suggest, the websites focus on the man and the meds and not enough about the importance of "intimacy, holding hands, cuddling, etc." You also say You don't put "undue pressure on Him thinking You want sex", so perhaps this warrants a lot of verbal communication. Express verbally to Him what You consider intimacy outside of sexual expression.
"I know this is a medical thing & it is not what he wants either but all the information on the websites focuses on the man and the meds. It never tells them that during this time while they are getting this diagnosed & treated they might want to be Consciously more sensitive (intimate, holding hands, cuddling etc.) to thier Wife/girlfriend etc..that is going thru this with them so we don't feel worthless, undesirable etc... . (sorry for my pitty party)"...........
No need to feel sorry for speaking your true feelings. It makes sense the websites that are addressing ED are focusing on the men and treatment options. Intimacy issues are something that should be addressed with a professional relationship counselor, i.e. marriage counselor as these situation require time to sort out. Simple tips over the internet won't suffice.
Have you ever considered therapy? Would he agree to therapy?
I agree very much with all of the above replies. I think therapy is a great idea, even if he doesn't want to go, YOU should. No doubt this is very hard on you.
I also agree that he's probably holding back in the intimacy area and with being demonstrative because of how he feels about the ED. He could very well be dealing with depression as a result, experiencing low self esteem, etc. I agree that he should explore more of his options medically (versus just the T replacement), and hopefully he will be open to some couples therapy on top of that.
This is a stressful upsetting situation for the both of you. You have every right to feel the way you do. You're frustrated, you feel ignored and like he's not even trying, and yet you understand he cannot help the sexual performance issue. So, that leaves you frustrated and hesitant to communicate with him about it, because you don't want to make him feel worse than he does. I get it. At the same time, it sounds like he's just kind of given up.
Maybe if you gently encourage him to explore options and work WITH you to try some new approaches, he'll hear you. Just be sure to tell him that you understand 100% that he cannot help it and that you love him no matter what, but you KNOW he's not happy with the way things are, and neither are you...you want it to be better for the BOTH of you.
Update us when you can, okay? I hope he's willing to listen to some suggestions.
I have always been that touchy feely type of girl, The one that hugged the teachers, have a lot of brother & sisters so this lack of physical (snuggling, holding hand & all) plays havec on my heart strings. . ...
Thank you all so much for your advice & I will post an update.