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Getting over sexual relations during break up

Hi,I'm stuck on this situation. I don't know what to do. So basically me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and 6 months and during that time about 3 months ago in December he broke up with me. His reading for breaking up with me was because he wasn't happy and he felt like I didn't appreciate all he does for me, and then he ghosted me for a few days. After about 2-3 weeks passed we got back together on Christmas, & talked everything out. He told me how miserable he was during the break up and how he realized that I was the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. During our breakup & right when we got together I kept asking him if he was talking or had sex or sent pictures to any other girls doing our break up, & he told me that he didn't and that he wasn't even thinking about any other girls at the time. A week or so into getting back into our relationship I found out that he was messaging this girl on instagram that we had previously had a problem with, but he said that he just needed attention from someone. I was mad and we talked about it, but I let it go. Then we had this big situation where he was talking to another one of his exes that he had previously dated for 5 years before me. He told me that he still had feelings for her and that he was trying to get with her during our break up. I took a break from him after I found all of that out and to decide whether or not I wanted to stay with him. When I met up with him after the little break he told me that he doesn't actually have feelings for her, but he never had closure from the way everything ended with them so he thought he was feeling something for her but realized that she's not what he wants. I understood that because I was in the same situation with one of my exes a few years back. I forgave him, and he on his own deleted and blocked her number and instagram and everything, and told her that he didn't want to talk to her anymore because his relationship with me was more important than being friends with her.Then maybe a week or 2 after that I found a screenshot on his phone for a girl that he was texting which turns out to be one of his old exes. The text message was this (G stands for the girl he was talking to and B stands for my boyfriend): B: "shut up (:". G: "make me". B: "how about I put my **** in that pretty mout of yours". G:"I'm not complaining about that. (;". He sent that screenshot of those messages to a group of his friend and he told them that she was 1/3 of his side chicks. We argued and then we talked it out. I was still uneasy about that whole situation though. During our breakup I noticed that my boyfriend was liking a lot of pictures of this one girl and I instantly got a sick feeling the moment I saw that when we were broken up, so I asked him about during the break up and when we got back together if he was talking to her. He told me that they saw each other at bar and had a conversation about her failed engagement and her new man that she was with, but she was only a friend and that nothing else happened. I still felt uneasy about it so I would keep asking him and every time he would just say no. So I started to feel like I was just being crazy, but last night I went through his phone while he was sleeping  (I know that's horrible), and I looked through his and hers Snapchat messages. It first started out by her saying that she was upset with him because she need her best friend (him) because she going through a rough time and that he just dropped her when he got back with me and all that stuff. He was telling her that I'm what he wants and that he's going to be with me for life, and she was saying how she was going to marry the boy that she was dating. I was like ehh this is harmless, but I kept going up to read the previous conversations and that's when it got bad. She was sending him pictures in her underwear and he was asking for them and he also sent her pictures. And they were talking about how the sex was that they had and my bf said I was just so turned on when I woke up to you, and all this other stuff. I was ducking devastated because he told me that he didn't have sex or send pictures to anyone and that the girl wasn't anybody to worry about and that they never did anything. It turns out that 3 days after we broke up he went and had sex with this girl and stayed the night. He told me that it wasn't good and that she's nothing. And that he made a lot of mistakes during our breakup that he didn't want me to know about because he didn't want to hurt me so he lied about everything. I just feel sick to my stomach because when I look at him I see all those messages and I picture him having sex with this girl and it make me feel so damn devastated. I can't really be upset with him that he had sex with her because we were broken up. I'm just disappointed that he lied numerous times to me when I gave him plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth.
Do you guys think there will be anyway we can get over this? Do you think I'll be able to get over the fact that he had sex with someone or get over all the things I read that they said?
Should I just end this relationship?
1 Responses
3060903 tn?1398565123
Hi there Kay Kay, thanks for your post.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so out of sorts in your relationship. It always helps to talk about what's bothering you and hopefully having others give you their take on your situation might help you.

First of all - I'm not a believer in taking "breaks" from a relationship unless the time spent apart is all about the relationship and taking some time apart for both partners to reflect relationship in order to make things better - to find understanding for a partners perspective and finding ways to come back with a renewed commitment to make things better.

Your boyfriend was not thinking about you on this break, and working out how to make things better, and then he lied about he spent his time. The latter problem (lying to you) is now another problem that has befallen your relationship. You haven't stated your ages but i'm thinking that your boyfriend is not mature enough to be in a long term committed monogamous relationship - instead it reads like he used a "break" to faciltate his wanting to sow his oats with someone else.

Rather than the "break" making things better for you both, the lying and the sex, has made your relationship worse. While you both thought that a "break" might help, it only made things worse. In my opinion now that you have more problems than before the break,the only thing that might help you both to mutually invest yourselves in supporting each other would be to attend marriage counseling as a last ditch attempt to work out the past and move forward together with trust and understanding.

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