Girlfriend is emotially defensive

[Englander]

Hi :)

I've been seeing a girl for 4 mnoths now. We're both 25 and hit it off quickly. However, while she is lovely to be around, there have been times when she's given me the cold shoulder. Last night at dinner I think I got to the heart of the problem. She said the last boyfriend she had broke up with her after a year. She thought he was "the one". She took it hard but understood his situation- basically, he moved to another part of the country because of abusive parents. They've stayed in touch and she's even met his new girlfriend twice. I know many guys would be wary at this, but I trust her 100%. She isn't the type of girl to cheat. Plus, this guy sounds very decent. They stayed in touch because she doesn't have many friends. They were friends before getting into a relationship, and they still stay in touch. Again, I trust her. This isn't the problem, really.

Anyway, she tells me that because she was so hurt she puts up an emotinal defense as she says, "I was naive. I don't want to feel like that again." I admitted I'm slightly insecure so when she gives me the cold shoulder it hurts 10 times more than it should. I told her she isn't as cold as she thinks as I've felt her warmth, and know she's a caring and lovely person. For instance, that day she broke away from us holding hands as she doesn't really like public affection. However, the week before we were snuggled up on my couch watching a movie. She has these two sides to her- cold and detached, and warm and friendly.

At times I feel like we're pulling in different directions, and that I'm not emotially getting out what I put in. That said, it isn't enough for me to end the relationship. No way.

Should I let her open up over time? Should I help her? Any advice would be welcomed.

Thank you

[Londres70]

When exactly did she and the last bf break up?  How much time has it been since her breakup till you all got together?

Your statement...."Anyway, she tells me that because she was so hurt she puts up an emotinal defense as she says, "I was naive. I don't want to feel like that again."  I would recommend proceeding with caution if she said this.  It would signify she has not worked through her emotional "baggage" after her breakup and this very well could influence your relationship with her as it already is starting to.  Doesn't sound like she is 100% ready to commit emotionally to another relationship at this time.  

Your statement...."I'm quite an open person."  Well, right now she is sounds like a very guarded person.  This could be another issue in the relationship.  

It has been only 4 months, so you all haven't been dating that long, but I would be making things clear with her in regards to what you want and don't want out of the relationship; being clear about what you feel comfortable with.  Get this CLARIFIED early on.  

If she chooses to take to heart what you tell her, then she is someone worth pursuing.  If she doesn't, I wouldn't recommend pursuing her and assume it is something that is not meant to be.  

[myown2]

I think Specialmom gave you really good advice. If it drives her away then you know that you are with a woman who you have to weigh your every word and who wants that?
Good luck.

[Englander]

@specialmom

Thank you for the speedy reply! :)

I know what you mean. The hard part is that she said the conversation we had "was the heaviest she's ever had". I didn't think so. I'm quite an open person, but by any stretch of the imagination it wasn't "heavy". Other times I brought it up she'd laugh it off and change the subject. However, at dinner she didn't try and find a way out. We had already finished dessert and just talked for an hour and a half. So I do think she's open to it, but I do feel she's not used to even thinking about these kinds of emotions anymore. Or at least not openly.

I fear that if I tell her this it may drive her away. When/if I tell her this should I then go on as normal? You know, going out with her, texting, the usual? I have a feeling if I do tell her it would be like water on a ducks back. It might not stick with her. Then again, I may be judging her unfairly by saying that.

[specialmom]

Well, it is hard to find someone we are completely compatible with.  It does sound like you are more emotionally evolved than her and maybe she'll mature or improve but maybe not.  

Honestly, I would think about your own needs here.  Her moodiness makes you feel bad.  I would flat out tell her this so that SHE can begin to work on it.  She needs to know that long term, you aren't down for the hot and cold business.   And don't accept it if it continues.  That is hard to live with for a lifetime.  You are in the 'happy' stage now . . . imagine 10 years from now when the newness has worn off if she is still hot and cold.  She may be cold much of the time then and who wants to live with that???  Not you.

So, be up front.  Then she has the chance to try to work on better communication and mood management.  She'll either improve or she won't and you can revisit whether to move on or not after some time has past.  

You can't really help her with this other than to encourage her, model healthy behavior/ mood management, and communicate openly.  SHE has to do the work to mature her emotional evolvement herself.  

good luck