Girlfriend shuts down

[thenewguy512]

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 6 months now and I am hitting a huge hurdle in communication. She was sexually abused by her stepfather as a child for roughly 10 years. Her family knows, but nothing was ever done about it and she has never been to counseling or treatment of any kind. We are sexually active, however she has obviously not dealt with some of the issues she faces. She refuses to talk (or communicate in any way, really) about sex, at all. I understood her not wanting to talk about the past, but I am now concerned by the fact that she simply will not respond to even the most simple questions about sex. She won't talk about what feels good and what doesn't, what she does or does not like, she doesn't make any noise during sex (for the record, I'm not saying I expect her to sound like she's making a porno, but the occasional "that feels good" would at least let me know she likes it.) She has a very strict set of boundaries that she WILL NOT even remotely think about crossing, i.e missionary position it is, no oral sex, no anything else. She literally refuses to talk about it, or even talk about why she wont talk about it. I have, on about three occasions, tried VERY gently to get her to talk to me, not about her past or anything specific, but just things like, "I feel like communication about sex is very important, and I hope that you talk about it with me sometime." and the result is always the same; she shuts down COMPLETELY. She will literally say (we don't live together so we Skype every night) "I will never talk about sex. I don't want to Skype. Goodnight." and then will not respond to anything I say.

So my question(s) -
I think she needs to seek therapy for this, but I won't even make it far enough into the conversation to bring it up before she shuts down, and I'm not sure what to do about that. How can I approach that?

There are actually a lot of things that make her shut down on a smaller scale and do things (I think without even realizing) like talking and acting towards me that make me feel very detached. How can I bring this up/work on this with her without making it worse? I am getting to the point where I avoid things that I know will trigger this but ultimately I think this is making it worse because nothing is really being dealt with.

Lastly, I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster with her sometimes. I love her with everything in me, and more often than not she makes me incredibly happy, but I also find the lows fairly intense. This is not entirely her fault to be clear, I have some abandonment issues and her shutting down definitely triggers some emotional abandonment alarms in me. I will take any advice I can on working through some of those issues myself.

Basically what it comes down to is, how do I encourage (I hesitate to say "make/force") her to work on this before it disintegrates our relationship? Obviously she needs to make the decision to want help before she can get it, but at the moment she still has the blinders on that make her think that ignoring problems is the same as dealing with them.

Thanks in advance.

[KaylaMarie25]

Coming from someone who was molested on multiple occasions, long story short, I was raped at 9 by an old friend's older brother - I was molested by my father for 8 years and when I started being sexually active, it scared the crap out of me, and I would actually get flashbacks of the incidents. Maybe she won't have oral sex because that's what her stepfather made her do. I agree that she does need counseling of some sort, even if it's not professional, she needs to talk to someone she trusts about the issue. I never got "professional help" but I have a friend that I talk to about everything, he knows more about me than anyone. Just reassure her that she can trust you and you won't do anything to upset her or make her feel bad about anything.

[Nighthawk61]

I think maybe the need for you to communicate stems from the fact that she is very limited in her ability to enjoy the experience, and you know on some level that she needs to talk about the act of sex and how it affects her. She needs to hit her bottom to make a change, much like a drug addict I'm afraid. And we know, that drug addicts often only think about change when they're losing their families. I do think you need to tell her that you are giving her an ultimatum, and that she does need to start treatment for her abuse, in order for you to continue working on this relationship. First things first right? I'm afraid if she's not ready, you may be disappointed and have no choice but to move on. Ten years of abuse is quite significant, and i'm sure that it will take a good amount of time for her to be able to deal with it, and manage her feelings about it. You sound like a wonderful person. Please do not feel that you are doing her any favors by sticking with it, if she is not caring enough about herself, or the relationship to now put in a great deal of work. I'm so sorry if you have to break up, for her good, for your good. You sound very sweet, and a great match for one who is open to all of your wonderful ways. You've accepted her inability to show physical love like a trooper. You are aware that your relationship will implode without professional help, and I feel for you. Please keep us up to date on how you're doing.

[RockRose]

I agree with specialmom.

If this were a society where this was the girl you've been matched up with and you can't choose a different girl,  i'd say work hard on this.

Some people who have been abused work hard to recover,  and she's not doing that.  She's decided the path to take is to avoid this problem,  and it's only going to be more and more divisive.

Interestingly,  for someone who seems to want to do an awful lot of talking about sex you have picked a girl who doesn't want to ever talk about it.  I've been married for decades and my husband and I don't talk about sex - we just do it.  Very very few conversations about it.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, what is the purpose of dating?  It is to find out what we need to know in order to take the relationship to the next level.  NOT EVERY relationship is supposed to go to the next level.  While I feel bad for her past experience---  I can also clearly see that you two are not a match.  You are not sexually compatible or have the same comfort level with communication about various subjects.  You describe her as an emotional rollercoaster and are exhausted about it . . .   and this is after ONLY six months (not long at all).  We show our best selves usually early on in a relationship so I imagine that more things will surface and the rollercoaster will get more frequent.  

So, I will tell you that the writing is on the wall, in my opinion, that this is not a lasting relationship.

We can not save anyone.  We can not rescue them.  That is a personal choice to deal with what is emotionally troubling us or our mental health status.  She's choosing not to deal with it.  Maybe she will some day and maybe she won't.  

You can ask her to go to therapy.  I'm doubting that she is ready from what you've written.  You are a new boyfriend (I know 6 months feels like a long time but that is relatively new) and she may feel pushed and hence pull away.  Some people never address painful subjects.  PTSD is something many with a history of sexual abuse as a young person have and this is a mental health condition.  You can say "go to therapy, go get help" but she has to WANT to live a different life herself.  

I would just prepare yourself that she has some significant psychological damage and it will be a lifetime of recovery for her that she may or may not want to begin any time soon.  

And we date to learn these things.  good luck