Going on 4 years with no committment

[sunnyday09]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years. The first couple years were fabulous, but the last year I've felt a change in the "spark" between us. I knew shortly after meeting him that I wanted to spend my life with him. He's never said the same thing to me. He talks about a future, but not about marriage, and before he can get married he wants a good job and a house. I get that part, it's security. But I also know that there is never a perfect time to get married. I'm 31 and he's 34. I'm not getting any younger, and I want to have a family with my own biological kids. I considered that waiting for him to come around may mean that we would have to adopt instead, which I even accepted, but he thinks is bogus. He has never once in 4 years told me he loves me. He does things that show me he cares about me a lot, but he's never told anyone outside his family that he loved them. He doesn't like talking about our future, and I can see it makes him panic a bit. I hate the thought of starting over, but am I wasting my time?

[Judy246]

I'm shocked that in 4 yrs. he never told you once that he loves you (major red flag)!

I don't think he is ready for a committment yet. You have a natural intuition that you should listen to and yes, your biological clock is ticking fast, so have a talk with him and ask him where does he see the relationship in 5 years. If he is unable to answer it, time to re-evaluate the relationship that has reached a dead end.  Good Luck, Judy

[jo929]

yes you are wasting your time, if he has not said lets tie the knot by now he never will
He is just making excuses  luck  jo.

[iam1butterfly]

I had a boyfriend who always used to say, "... Love isn't what you say; it's what you do." And, I would have to agree, it's true.
But, it sure lifts the soul to hear it... as it's an affirmation of a deep inner feeling, a connection, a "oneness." We all need to hear it. And, 4 years is way too long of a time without some sort of commitment... let alone never hearing those heart-warming words... "I Love You."
Perhaps, he's emotionally stifled in this respect. Maybe he can feel it; but can't bring himself to say it. There are many people who struggle with those words.
Then, there's marriage or the avoidance of it... some people can't bring themselves to "lock the deal." Usually, it's out of fear of making a major mistake... you did mention that "panic" that you sensed in him whenever the topic of a "future" together comes up.
So, where does all of this leave you? Well, with no prospect of marriage, no "I Love Yous" and a diminished "spark" ...not in a very secure position.
Are you "... wasting [your] time?" you ask. Perhaps, vital "biological time clock"  time. Possibly, emotional involvement time as well. But, I sense that you've compromised too much in this relationship. Don't give up your dreams and do what's right for you.