HELP! So hurt & Confused

Question

Sorry this is long but I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't know what to do and I really need some advice. My husband and I have been married 1 year, together for 5 years in total. My husband is a sweet great guy when he's not drinking. He's an alcoholic and drinks everyday. When he drinks he gets very emotionally abusive towards me. Sometimes it escalates very bad. When he's drunk he gets very loud and rude to me. He calls me every bad name in the book. He's very jealous and insecure. He accuses me of cheating and all that kind of stuff. All I do is work and as soon as I'm off work I come home. We are both always working and our free time is with each other. I spend time with my fam if he's at work and I'm off

MotherHeart · Answer

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.  Keep me posted and feel free to email me if you ever need to talk.  My Father is also an alcoholic.  He does the same thing -- sweet talks and makes me feel good one minute and right after slaps me in the face with put downs and guilt trips.  It took me 20 years to realize the pattern and figure out that I did not deserve this kind of treatment.  Of course I took it from him and everyone in my life for all those years constantly thinking I was in the wrong.  I still have a long way to go; however, I feel better than I have in years!

~Blessings~
~MotherHeart~

specialmom · Answer

I'm really sorry that this has happened.  I think you are making a wise decision. He is a man that has alcohol running his life let alone infidelity.  You need to move on with your life and find yourself.  I really encourage you to participate in al anon as well as seek some professional therapy.  It is amazing how often these patterns repeat and I don't want you to ever go through this again.  Be strong, have faith and it will be alright.  You are making the right decision.  Good luck and we are ALWAYS here if you need us.

trustn0man32 · Answer

Thank you all for the advice. I'm filing for a divorce. He's made my life miserable. After the incident on Friday night he's been calling and harassing me. Trying to make me feel more guilty and down. I can't focus and this is tearing me up in pieces. I found out he's meeting new women and dating. I am trying to be strong as I can be. This is so hard for me. I am dying inside. I am going to seek therapy and attend al anon meetings. Please keep me in your prayers. He tries to sweet talk me back one minute and the next he puts me down.

teko · Answer

You are married to alcohol. Your husband has taken a vacation, how long of one depends on how much you love each other. Is his desire stronger for you or the alcohol. I think you need to put it to the test and find out. If you are more important to him he will choose you, if the bottle is more important he will choose it. I personally dont think counseling is going to help you, he has an addiction and it is his problem. First he has to realize he has a problem, secondly he has to understand that you have no intention of being married to alcohol. You dont want conversations with it, you dont want sex with it and you do not want to pay for the embarrassing consequences of its behavior nor put up with its verbal and physical abuse. Only you can control what you put up with, you cannot change him, only show him you will not tolerate it and the rest is his decision. Once he makes that decision you will then know your warranted course of action. Either you leave the situation, Or you support him while in AA or whatever else is needed for him to beat the addiction. If you do not act and act right now, you will live a nightmare that is only going to become worse. His insecurity and control also needs addressed. Do not allow yourself to be controlled because once he gets his way, you will no longer have any freedom. He is your husband, not your jailer so quit enabling him.

specialmom · Answer

I think when an addictive component is added to the layers of problems in a relationship, it is just that more complicated. I do hope that he seeks treatment for his addiction and she seeks help as well for codependence. I too wish her so much luck but probably more strength than anything else.

MotherHeart · Answer

You did nothing wrong..NOTHING!!!!  I know how you feel trust me I do.  My ex when I filed for divorce. Which I did coincidentally because he was calling and hounding a 17yr girl to out to dinner with him while he had a restraining order against him.  I felt that was close enough to infidelity for me.  Later he made me feel guilty.  His father even likened it to me having dinner with a handicapped man that lived near by.  Difference is I worked for this man and that was part of my job to cook for him and that was part of the payment the kids and I got to eat the dinners as well.  I had no income as I was a stay at home mom...yet it worked I felt guilty.  Even went as far to give him another chance....his family and him started up their manipulation again and he told me he had nightmares of me being a monster cause I called the cops on him for abusing our daughter.  He knew that would hurt me and affect me the way he wanted.  Near the end I was near another breakdown and knew it.  I had no support and my family actually supported him because they believe the man is always correct and the woman should be submissive.  Due to me giving him another chance I lost my free lawyer and help getting the kids so now my three babies are growing up with this type of family two of which are girl *sigh* it is sad.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!!  IT IS PART OF THE ABUSE AND ANOTHER WAY TO CONTROL YOU!!!!  You are in my prayers.  Email me if you would like or if you just need to vent.  I have been there.  I am glad you have supportive family to help you.

  ~Blessings~
~MotherHeart~

specialmom · Answer

Oh dear.  There is a pattern to who men like this are with.  You will second guess yourself (and Mami is right, you've had years of being treated badly and are beaten down emotionally).  You really do need to leave a man that is violent towards you. He is an alcoholic.  You have to leave him.  You can no longer live with him.   You have to go to Al anon or counseling and address why you've been there this long.  He is sick but you have a sickness too.  I hate to be so blunt-------------- but this is fact, in my opinion.  You have wrong thinking here and I don't often say that.  But it is not healthy and tells me that you must seek treatment for yourself as well.  To blame yourself for an alcoholic rage . . . not healthy.  You must leave now!  You must seek treatment for YOURSELF!  I'm saying this really strongly because I really want you to hear me.  You just can't live like this and need to see that your emotions are part of the problem.  That you must see that being a CO DEPENDENT is what you are doing.  Being a co dependent not only hurts you but him as well.  I really wish you the best of luck.  I know this is very difficult.

mami1323 · Answer

Because he's spent years belittling you and making you feel less than nothing. So your self esteem is low and you have no self worth. This is what abusers do, they knock you down so much you question everything about yourself and your actions. You've done nothing wrong here. You were scared and didn't know what he was capable of. You had no choice to involve the police. I think its time to take the focus off of fixing him and put it on fixing you. I suggest also al anon meetings or even individual therapy sessions. You need to get your life back and he obviously has no intentions of helping himself. There isn't much more you can do about him. He hopefully will see the light when he's lost everything and has hit rock bottom. But again you've done nothing wrong.

trustn0man32 · Answer

He made me feel like it was all my fault. I'm so confused, hurt and feel bad. He blamed it all on me and I'm feeling guilty for no reason. Is this my fault? I want to divorce him and he told me that he should be the one divorcing me bcuz I called the cops. Why do I feel so bad feel like its all my fault. Please give me advice on what to do.

trustn0man32 · Answer

I went over and I can tell he was drunk and he played it off. I went to the room to get my puppy and we had a big argument. I said I was leaving to my moms and I want a divorce. He closed the room door and stood in front of the door and wouldn't let me out the room. He said he wanted to talk but I finally had enough. Finally I pushed him out the way and left. I was outside and he ran after me and tried to take my car keys from me. he then pushed me n took the keys and then went in the house and turned off all the lights and said to me F you u b!tch walk to your moms house. I cried and knocked on the door and said I only had once cell left on my phone to pls give me my keys. He opened the door, pushed me and threw one of our wedding pics at me. He then taunted me and locked me out again. I called 911 and he seeing me on my cell so that made him more angry. He threw my keys at me so I ran in my car and tried to drive off while I was still on the phone with 911. He ran inside the hous grabbed another wedding pic and ran towards my car opened my door n threw it at me. I was on the phone still and they heard it. I drove off to my moms. The police got involved and questioned him. I was so scared I went to my moms. The police called me and questioned me as well. I don't know why but I told them it was a misunderstanding. He didn't get arrested. He kept calling me after the police left n screamed at me n say how could I go so low and call cops. He then flipped it on me and made me out to be in the wrong. I didn't do anything wrong and

trustn0man32 · Answer

Thank you all very much for the great advice. Things have gotten worst since my last post. On thur I spoke with ny husband and he agreed to go to church with me and speak to the pastor and have some counseling. He said he will change and he will do whatever it takes to work the marriage out. I thought this time it was true because I gave him an ultimatum. I've been staying at my moms house. Last night Friday my sister and my friend invited me to go eat dinner with them at the beach. I asked my husband if it was ok and he said yeah. I was really surprised because he would never allow me to go in the past. I was happy n thought this was a start of him changing. Whilst eating dinner he tested me and said his friends invited him out for drinks at another beach and if he can go. I said I don't want him drinking because he promised he will stop and change. He went out but said he won't drink. I didn't believe him. Later on that night around 10 I was already home and I called him. He didn't answer my calls or text all night. Finally around 1am he texted me and said he's home in bed and I emberassed him infront oh his friends because I kept calling him. I then called him again and he wouldn't respond or text back. I thought it was odd so I drove to our house. His car wasn't there and he wasn't either. I don't have a key so I waited there for a few min and called him n text him sayin knew he was lying and not home in bed like he said. For 2 hrs he kept ignoring me. Finally around 3 he called n tried to act like nothing and said he was home, and to come by to pick up my puppy.

MotherHeart · Answer

I myself was in a very abusive marriage for years.  Unfortunately I had no support group and even my fellow christians blamed me.  I needed to have more Faith, pray more, pray harder, fast more, and above all be submissive.  Little did any of them know the extents I submitted to and I can say with confidence I was more submissive to my husband than they were.  After a decade I was brainwashed thinking somehow it was all my fault.

I am still a christian but I avoid certain types of chistians now myself.  I have found there are plenty of people who will go on and on about women being submissive but miss the part in the same passage that a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church....Christ gave his life for us.  A man is to sacrifice of himself and his wants to care for his wife and children.  It is a two way street, period.  

Also upon reading the love chapter in Corinthians I realized my husband did not love me at all. Please do not take this wrong as I am not trying to preach only sharing bits of what helped me.

Love is PATIENT, love is KIND. It DOES NOT ENVY, it DOES NOT BOAST, it is NOT PROUD. It is NOT RUDE, it is NOT SELF-SEEKING, it is NOT EASILY ANGERED, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always PROTECTS, always TRUSTS, always hopes, always perseveres

emphasis is my own.  If this does not describe how your husband treats you than he is not acting out of love.  I can not tell you what you should do as that is a very personal    descion.  Some people do change, others do not.  I will keep you in my prayers.  I hate divorce myself, but sometimes it is the only option.  I agree with what Judy246 posted as well some very wise words there.  I know what you are going through and know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

http://www.people offaith.com/1-corinthians-13.htm  explains some more on this if you are interested.

  ~Blessings~
~MotherHeart~

Judy246 · Answer

I also recommend that you seek counseling or whatever religious denomination you are from, who are trained professions to help in these situations. If your husband want's to get his life straighten out and salvage his marriage, you must tell him that he has to first be hospitalized and treated for alcoholizm, joint AA meetings, marriage counseling and then once he proves to you that he will live a healthy, productive, responsible life, you will reconsider, but that is your choice and no one can help you with that decision. Good Luck.

Judy246 · Answer

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and you should have listened to your instincts from the very beginning and not marry this abusive, dysfunctional, alcoholic man. Let me tell you something also, you stay because you "Love" him and are probably afraid to be alone or without him. There is soooo much life out there that you have no idea, because you have conditioned yourself to accept this dysfunctional behavior our of love. If he truly loved you, he would never disrespect you, talk to you condescending, call you names, drink out of control and worst yet, he is high risk for infidelity and this is unexceptable, inexcusable and not to be tolerated. What happended to you? What happened to you along the way to accept this? 

You need to take back the power that he has completely stripped you of. You pride, self esteem, self respect, dignity and coming back to being a human being again. No woman should ever permit anyone to treat them less then they deserve or should be treated. I doubt if counseling is going to help this guy, because he has a drinking problems and won't see the benefit of a counselor. He will have to hit rock bottom, without anything or anyone to get the message that he needs to clean up HIS act and get HIS life back on track. You can not do this for him. I'm sorry to say, but I recommend that you leave him. Start making a plan on leaving him. Do not do this alone. Contact your family immediately and tell them that you need their help right away and when you are ready to talk about your situation with them you will. Surround yourself with good friends and family and leave immediately, because it's just a matter of time that his verbal abuse will escalate to physical abuse and adultery on his part.

You need to get "YOU" back and you have to do it by leaving this self destructive man. Goodd Luck.

specialmom · Answer

I think that you really must act and act now.  Give him an ultimatum to go into a treatment center or you will file for divorce.  You can't live this way.  Heaven forbid you brought a child into this mix-------  that would add to the devastation this is causing.

I've known many an alcoholic.  It is a disease.  His desire to just stop drinking is not enough.  He will never just change.  He needs help.  If he refuses to admit that he is an alcoholic and does what is necessary to recover from this addiction then you must leave him.  Or your own life will always be miserable.  That is a true fact that I am telling you.  This is a turning point for both you and he.  

I again stress that you need to seek some type of help for yourself as well.  AL ANON is a great organization for those who love an alcoholic, drug addict, or some other type of addict.  It is free and they hold meetings and supply you with support people to help you.  Being with someone with addiction issues is also a problem in the person that wants to be with them.  You must look at it this way or this situation you are in now will continue or you will repeat it with someone else.  

Your life is about to change but I think for the better.  You feel miserable under current circumstances.  You will be encouraging him to make a drastic change-----------  and you will be moving on with your life in a positive way with him or without him if he does not go to a treatment center and admit the addiction.  

This is my very best advice to you and I am very serious about it.  If he will not attempt recovery, you must leave him.  On some things I add---------  just my opinion and no more.  But on this I am saying it with more force.  I think you need to take this turning point very seriously.  I wish you strength as I know how hard this is.  Good luck

trustn0man32 · Answer

Thank u all 4 the advice. I really do love him and want to be with him but I'm scared he won't change. I've been asking him to change for 4 years now and he says he is but he doesn't. I don't like living like this. I need to learn how to be happy dependent and not count on him even though I'm not happy. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to live like this anymore

specialmom · Answer

I believe you should tell him he enters an in house treatment center or you are filing for divorce.  And if he does not enter treatment, file.  

Alcoholism is a life long battle for people.  Some beat if but their life is never the same.  You will always have fear even if he is successfully treated.  And often addictive personalities will find another addiction---- gambling, porn, etc.  I am not telling you to leave him if he gets treatment but that you need to see what life could be like down the road.  

Also, you need al anon super bad.  You are begging an unstable man to be with you and contemplating if you should continue to live as you have.  This is co dependence and it is something that needs to be addressed.  Even if you leave this relationship you must examine this and seek help with it as co dependence is a pattern that repeats.  You will subconsciously seek it out if you do not attend al anon or therapy . . .. at least in terms of statistics.

In no way do I think you should take this man's word that he will get sober and go back to life with him.  He is an alcoholic which means he can't just give you his word and stick to it.  He needs professional help to do so.  You really need to protect yourself and think about what kind of life you want in the future.  Best of luck to you!

KoRRoDEAD · Answer

If you truly love him and you are mentally strong, and think you can support him then i say stay with him and let HIM sort out his drinking problem. Remember its HIS problem and you can't force him to change, it has to be his decision, which will inevitably make this situation hard for you. the first step is for him to admit he has a problem, then you both have to find a way that works for him. not everyone gets "cured" the same way. but just remember, if his heart isn't in it then he'll never work it out. and even if it is it could take several more years.

on the other hand if it seems way too much for you, and you've had enough then i say leave, divorce. Even if it's hard you can always say "i'll only come back when your sober" or something, (you don't have to say that thats just an example) 

The truth is your still young (older than me but still young) and you've still got alot of your life ahead of you, do you really want to spend the last years before your 30 trying to fix this man? or do you want to go out and find a man that doesn't need fixing?

Whatever you choose do it quick, My mum always says "the only wrong decision is not making a decision" or something like that.... didn't make sense to me for years but it kinda does now.

trustn0man32 · Answer

Other than the drinking our life is good. We both have great careers and make great money. I love him n I know he loves me. This is becoming very stressful and unhealthy. I'm scared to leave him bcuz I been with him 5yrs. I don't want to date other ppl. I just want to be happy with my husband. I'm so lost n confused. Should I try to work things out? Or should I get a divorce? I want him to change but I don't think he ever will. This is his 2nd marriage. He did the EXACT same to her and she finally left after 7years. I don't know what I should do. I'm staying at my moms house now for 2weeks and we still talk n see each other daily n he sid he changed. He only did for two days and he's back to being the same way. I don't know if I should file for a divorce or keep on trying to make him change

trustn0man32 · Answer

I'm sorry I'm on my smart phone so its hard to write.   So I'm home by the time he's out of work from spending a couple hrs with my fam on my days off. We don't have a social life. I can't spend time with my fam or friends, only while he's at work but I have to be home by 3pm when he gets off. This is only on wknds. He doesn't trust me to go out with friends. He is very jealous and gets so mad if guys looks at me. He takes it out on me when we are in public and guys look at me. I dealt with these insecurities since we first started dating, hoping he will change. Anyways when I come home from work and he's already out, an hour or two before me, when I get home he's already drunk or tipsy. This is everyday. So he looks for trouble with me and screams and b!tche$ about everything. I wont stay quiet so I bark back. We end up in very bad arguments. A few times he left and I had to cry and beg him back. I had to say sorry even when it wasn't my fault. He won't say sorry to me. Ok so to avoid fights I would go to sleep by 9:30 just to avoid the fighting. He stays up all night and drinks and plays poker until he passes out. When I was sleeping he took my cell and got one of my friends number. He began callin her all night non stop. He sent her texts. He was tying to hook up with her. She called me at work the next day and told me. She also said he sent her a pic of his private part. I felt so hurt n emberassed. I confronted him and he denied it and then said he was drunk so I should forgive him. I did like a fool. The problem is that this was not my first friend he did that to. 4 friends in total. I always made excuses for him. He only does it while he's drunk. When he's sober he's the best husband. I don't know what to do. Is that cheating? He promises he will stop drinking but he never does. Pls help and give me advice. I don't know if I should leave or stay. I'm so hurt n confused. I put up with this for 5yrs. He said I will never find a man that loves me like he does and I believe him. He said they will be worst than he is to me. Btw I'm 25 and he's 37.. we have no kids. Pls advise