HUsband of three years has no desire for ME...but likes to view other women....

[Kath72]

my husband of three years wants no sex.  I was pregnany 2 times during this three years, but am attractive and did not gain a lo of weight.  He never touched me during both pregnancies.  I had a baby in June, and have been back to my pre-baby body for 3 months now and still no interest.  I asked him about it, and he said when he has stress he has no sexual urge.  Well, I found what has been making him tick.  In his trash file on his computer he has videos and pics of naked women.  I have not brought it up to him but am welling with anger.  I remain composed, but I'm going to crack soon.....What do I do?  Please don't mention sex therapy, or marraige counciling....direct input please!!!

[TTinKKerBBell]

OMGolly!!  

I just SO do not understand all this FOCUS!! on sex!!  Yes! Yes! Yes! sex is beautiful!! and wonderful!! and ALL that!!

BUT that being said....

our society has become SO obsessed,!!

SO overwhelmed

about SEX!! SEX!! SEX!! that we make situations where they don't/shouldn't exist!!  

SEX!  SEX!!  SEX!!!  Lets get back to INTIMACY - just my opinion - but I would bet, BIG TIME, things would begin to change if we were to think more about "intimacy" than "sex", or "performance"  

We have become SO/TOO permissive -  (porn and what not, and etc.,etc., etc.,) to "expecting" what sex "ought" to be!! , what it "ought" to represent.   What it "ought to mean"

What about simple  INTIMACY between a man and a woman???? What's wrong with that????

Let's just try it, everyone -  and see what happens.

We, as Women, have MUCH more control than We're willing to recognize.
We REALLY can change many of these dynamics if We are willing to go back to adapting  (adopting) Morals and Standards....... just saying

[reelman]

Counseling over the net may not be entirely possible, but feel free to use me as a sounding board.  I have recently had several "friends" on FB and on this forum use the method.  Ultimately, though, he needs counseling with you so that you can deal with the issues.

[reelman]

Unfortunately, I don't think the whole situation will dissolve on its own.  I think your husband is trying to put you off.  From his perspective, he doesn't have a problem.  YOU DO!  But of course, the problem is with him.  And it has bled over into your whole relationship, because now you don't trust him at all.  You have a "bad vibe."  It is likely that this will continue and only get worse until he finally comes clean.

[Londres70]

I am confused.  Do you feel better after talking with him?  What do you mean by "I remain stuck?"  

"He is going to let this whole situation dissolve on its own?"  These problems that he has will require therapy, which sounds like he is not willing to do.  What he is really saying is that he is going to continue all this.  This man is "talking in riddles"; saying things that make absolutely NO sense.

Well, if he is NOT going to therapy, you will have to live with a man who looks at porn and smokes "weed."  Do you want that for you and your children?  The weed issue is especially serious since possession and using is illegal.  

Yes, men's night out is great under normal circumstances, but in this circumstance who knows exactly what he was doing.  As you stated you have a "bad vibe" about him and for good reasons you should.  

I know you didn't want to hear about therapy, but I think that is the ONLY way to save your marriage.  I would recommend you going to therapy if he is NOT to get a professional's opinion about all this. m    

[Kath72]

Interesting insight.  I just need to keep my cool and see how things go.  It REALLY bothers me that he won't come clean and admit a lot of things to me.  He went out this afternoon to watch football somewhere (I'm fine with it!) and came home very tired....smoking pot?  I don't know.  He is in bed with my daughter- fell asleep reading to her. I just have a bad vibe about him.  Last night he said he was glad I talked with him about the problems we have been having: Yes specialmom and Londes70 I sat him down to talk- last Monday.  He said he was going to let this wholesituation  dissolve on it's own, and glad I spoke up. I was like..."aahhh...(that was a huge deal" (asking him about the porn and getting made up reasons)  I did not know how to respond to this comment.  I remain stuck.

[specialmom]

Thank you for your insight Reelman!  

[reelman]

I am a minister, i have been married for 20 years, and have at times had problems with pornography.  My wife has IC and sex is painful, so our sex life has been very spotty.  I have also counseled many people, and sex is almost always a part of marriage problems.  I agree that this is s symptom of a deeper problem rather than the problem itself.  For me, porn was an outlet. For your husband, it sounds like a substitute.  The defensiveness is a guilt thing, and confronting him probably won't make him quit the behavior, just find another way to do it without being caught.  Regardless of your looks, if there is an intimacy problem it indicates dissatisfaction with the relationship in general, and therapy may help get to the bottom of it.  Also, you may simply ask him if there is anything about the WAY you make love that is unfulfilling for him.  Sometimes guys bring baggage (girls too) into their marriage and there is a comparison thing going on.  Also, realize that porn is a fantasy life where there is no commitment and little risk, which may be his attraction to it.  It won't mattter if all that happens takes 3-5 minutes when he's by himself because the actors can't critique him.  On the other hand, he may have anxiety issues about satisfying you

[Londres70]

Keep us posted.

All the best.

Bonjour!!

[specialmom]

Good luck Kath!  You are so right that when their is tension between mom and dad, it sets the tone for the whole house.  

Meaningful discussion is what is key here and being able to get him to open up is hard if he feels attacked.  You have every right to share your disappointment and hurt and should but within the context of him understanding your feelings while you are trying to understand his----  so you can find common ground to work on to save your marriage.  

I know everyone that has posted here has your best interest at heart.  I again, wish you luck dear.

[Kath72]

Wow, great advice (from all of you).  Very well put; thank you for taking time to write such helpful words, i mean that.   Will certainly talk to him in a non judgemental approach.  Hopefully tonight.  My 2.5 year old is picking up the tension, as is my 4 month old.  while I'm mentioning it,, so are the dogs....

Thank you again all who replied. Will let you know.  

[specialmom]

My advice had nothing to do with yours but it seems by your quick response using my words that you thought it did.  Just trying to help the poster as all here are trying to do.  

Good luck to Kath.  Hard to have two little ones and try to sort out a marriage.  Hope she is able to have a happy ending here.  

[Londres70]

Like I stated, he is upset because he has been caught and doesn't know how to get out of this.  Good thing you did find out he was doing this behind your back so that you know what you are dealing with.  His actions are affecting the marriage.  Yeah, I would say he is in "trouble" and don't see a problem confronting him because he is wrong.  

Hopefully, he will be honest about what in the heck is going on with him.      

[specialmom]

Hm.  Was he mad because you were snooping?  Some people feel violated when another (even their spouse) go through their things.  

Listen, I still contend this has nothing to do with sex but other issues between you.  That is going to be the heart of solving this issue and at least getting him to not be defensive and open up to you as to why he is not wanting intimacy in the bedroom.  

I would have told you that if you "confronted" him that you would get the reaction you did.  That sets up a situation when one feels like they are 'in trouble' and often this will derail any sort of real communication.  Your best bet if you want to save this marriage is to approach him about the TWO of you as a couple verses what HE has done.  What is wrong with the two of you as a couple and what can you work on to be closer.  What is at the heart of your disconnection and issues with each other.  These are the things you need to talk to him about and during that discussion, you can let him know that you are hurt that he has been ignoring you and using porn instead.  Isn't your anger really hurt?  

That porn is a symptom of a problem and not the problem in and of itself.  REalize that and you are going to get farther in solving this.  good luck

[Londres70]

Well, apparently he is mad because he has been caught.  It is so obvious he is doing this because the activity is happening at night or when you aren't around.  Unfortunately he is sticking with his lies.  Until he is willing to "come clean" what can you do?  Hopefully, he will.  He has to be willing to admit there is a problem and be willing to work on this.  He is definitely having a difficult time with something if he is watching porn and smoking "weed."  

Hopefully you all are talking today.  Unfortunately, this NEEDS to be talked about and sorted.  He has to realise that this can't be "swept under a rug" and forgotten.  When you all do talk, don't use any insulting words, comments, etc.  
Once again, if he refuses to "come clean," I don't know what you can do about that.  

If he doesn't, you will have to do some long "soul-searching."  Do you want to stay with someone who can't be truthful and not willing to work on problems?  Do you want to stay with someone who you have 0 intimacy with and who would rather deal with the porn and smoke "weed?"  To compound problems you all have two children.  

I know you didn't want to hear anything about therapy, but I can't see this marriage working out without it.  If he doesn't want to go, you should go and get a professional's opinion about all this.  

[RainLover71]

Oh dear,this is not a good situation at all and i think the writings on the wall.He has been on the computer up to no good and is probably getting satisfaction that way and ignoring you.That,s very sad because you should be the love of his life instead he,s looking at other women on the net.You need to sort out the whole computer images of other women situation because it could quite easily lead to cheating or addiction.And he smokes weed aswell.The 2 of you need to sit down and have a good long talk and establish where this relationship is headed.All the best.

[Kath72]

hi all: I confronted my husband.  I told him I need to retrieve a \n old file and did not see it on the desk top so looked in the "trash" icon.  He has tons of work there.  I told him I came across a girls *** and clicked on it; it was a 60 sec video. I then saw other still pics andmore videos.  I right clicked to find out the activity on it.  They were late at night, times when I was in bed, or out of town.  This friday I confronted him about it at bedtime.  He said it was left over from his friends computer that he bought- (please). The next day he said it was sent to him by friends and that he doesn't look at that "smut" so he put it in the trash.  Then he went on to say that he gets them randomly, and he puts them in the trash bin.  Then, he says its the URL sent an attachment to him which can lead to random photos of animals, nature and naked women?? He says that since I don't believe him we are yet again stuck on anissue I had to bring up. Come on. The last 3 excuses were put on a text.  It is sunday night and we still have not discussed it; let alone have hardly spoken.  He thinks I'm acting annoyed and I told him that he just annoys me.  He stormed out of the room.  I can't understand how he holds this against me and really thinks I will believe this.  We both have not tried talking about it.  Friday and Sat night I slept with my daughter. I'm in her room again tonight. I can't sleep next to him. He just assumes I'll forget and all will be forgotten.  Thoughts on how to proceed from here?  I'm stuck.  Thanks.

[Kath72]

thank you by the way for your condolences and about the book suggestion.

[AnnieBrooke]

Good luck, Kath, a good counselor can be a HUGE help and a major relief too.

[Kath72]

ok, you are right- i should stop focusing on physical attributes.  I take into consideration the counciling more and more these last 24 hours.  Thanks for the reality check- and "specialmom" too for your sympathy and and suggestions as well. This is why i came to this forum.  I have never done this, but also hard to discuss with girlfriends because of the gossip situation.  Again, I appreciate everyones  advice.  

I will keep you posted. Best, K

[AnnieBrooke]

Please stop focusing on whether your tummy is flat or your hair is highlighted and being resentful because he's not being understanding, and get into counseling (with or without him) to decide what's going on in the marriage.  He really does sound depressed.  Some men really are hit hard by becoming daddies, they feel like all their fun in the whole world is gone.  Again, the weed and the porn don't sound good, but if he is self-medicating and turning to things as coping mechanisms (I know, not good mechanisms, but mechanisms all the same) it is not the weed and the porn that is doing this, but something else that he reacts to with weed, porn, and emotionally shutting down.  See a counselor.  Take him if he will go.  Ask the counselor if he sounds depressed.  Then talk to him from there.

[Kath72]

Hi- yes it does turn into blowouts-mostly me just slowly unleashing pent up frustration.  He fails to remember the talk i had with him about my mother and how difficult it is for me; please understand that this is a new emotion etc.,  I don't like to snap like that-definatley not in my nature.  Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by marrying him.  I have 2 beautiful children that i will never regret having; they are my world.  But my husband and i are on 2 different pages.  I try, believe me I do, to be friends with him, but sometimes i just can't stand the man. My big question these past few days is this :DO I CONFRONT HIM ABOUT THE PORN I HAVE SEEN AND DO I ALSO MENTION THAT I HAVE OTHER SUSPICIOUS THOUGHTS ABOUT HIS DRUG USE (which all i know know is just weed)???  

Want to add also that i have had highlights put in my hair- my friends seem to like it (nothing drastic)- and he never commented on it.  I get my hair blown out once a week to get him to notice me that way- nothing.  This is just so humiliating in every way.  Thanks to all for your thoughts- it really helps me.  

[specialmom]

First let me say how sorry I am to hear of the loss to your mother.  You describe that exactly as I describe losing mine-----  a terrible blow.  It feels that way. It is more than a loss . . . it feels like a punch to the gut.  And when you have kids-------  you see Grandmas everywhere and feel pain for your kids as well.  My mom has been gone for 16 plus years now and it hurts like it was yesterday.  You are still grieving this loss and I hope you are very kind to yourself.  I found the book "Motherless Daughters" hit home for me.  

What I would focus on in your situation is not so much the surface of lack of sexual contact.  There is obviously more going on.  You describe a few years where sex has been lacking.  Could your boyfriend be depressed as well?  Weed is often a substance used to self medicate and libido takes a dip often with depression.  If you think he is, I'd approach it very gently in such a way "you don't seem happy.  I want to help you.  Let's talk to someone about it."  That kind of soft approach would be best.  

And looking at what could be going on within the relationship that is non sex oriented is good.  HOW can you be close without sex.  Start there.  By close, I mean feeling connected.  Can you come up with a short list of ways you can connect with him?  

I also wanted to add that I do give my husband a bit of time with the guys and do it without any resentment or hassle from me because he comes back thankful, recharged, happy to be back home because he had a bit of relaxing time doing something I don't really want to do (sit in someone's dark basement sipping keg beer watching sports).  

I do feel for you.  I hope it all works out dear.  Peace.

[honeydew21]

Would it be possible for the two of you to get into some sort of therapy?

I've read that if a married couple has sex 10 x's or less in a year, it's a sexless marriage. Which is not healthy. The intimacy of sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship.

If he is truly afraid of more kids, what about him getting vasectomy? Or using condoms and birth control to prevent anymore kids?

As far as the football goes...it's one day a week. Here in our house both my husband and I are sports nuts. We never miss a football or hockey game. We actually just got done watching the Steelers whoop on the Titans. It's what we enjoy. If he likes watching football on Sunday, what if you go do something on Sunday's? What about making other mom friends so when you do things with them, kids can go if there is no sitter?

I also work, part-time, and have twin boys. Anytime I do anything, I take my boys with me and it's usually a kid friendly thing.

[Kayannaboo]

Do you guys fight alot about the simplest things? You say that u snap at him sometimes because ur frustrated does this lead to blow outs?