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Avatar universal

HUsband of three years has no desire for ME...but likes to view other women....

my husband of three years wants no sex.  I was pregnany 2 times during this three years, but am attractive and did not gain a lo of weight.  He never touched me during both pregnancies.  I had a baby in June, and have been back to my pre-baby body for 3 months now and still no interest.  I asked him about it, and he said when he has stress he has no sexual urge.  Well, I found what has been making him tick.  In his trash file on his computer he has videos and pics of naked women.  I have not brought it up to him but am welling with anger.  I remain composed, but I'm going to crack soon.....What do I do?  Please don't mention sex therapy, or marraige counciling....direct input please!!!
28 Responses
134578 tn?1578157483
Some men, when their wives have babies, see them as "Mother" and no longer "Sex Partner."  In other words, they have Mother is Not Sexy in their psyche, and it overrules everything.  If he has this, the porn might not be the cause of the problem but more the coping mechanism, if he has a taboo against having sex with someone he sees as a mother figure.  You could test this notion by seeing if he will accept a b. j. when he's half asleep some night.
973741 tn?1342342773
The above could be true.   Another possibility as well is that you've been pregnant twice in three years (does that mean two kids?)-------  he quite frankly might have fear of another pregnancy.  And with two kids---------  he could very well be stressed and tired (as I know you are) and the truth is----  porn is quick and easy and sex can be more complicated.  

How is intamacy overall in your marriage?  Is he affectionate?  Are you close emotionally?  That is really important to answer because lack of sex with a partner can also be an indication of relationship problems overall with that just being a symptom.  Doesn't mean our desire has gone away but that we can't put aside other things in order to be with our spouse.  So porn becomes an outlet.

Things to consider.  If this is related to your marriage overall------ sorry, but you'll have to see a counselor.  Regardless, you will need to keep communicating openly about it, dig deeper and try to sort out what is happening.  

Also, try some date nights just the two of you that you are not expecting to lead to sex but rather to reconnect and have fun together as adults and not parents.  This leads to looking at your partner a little differently-----  back to how it was before which can lead to the sex life improving.  good luck
Avatar universal
Do agree with Specialmom, however why not ask him about it AFTER you are calm?; see what explaination he gives you.

Avatar universal
Thank you very much for the input.  (and everyone else too!).  I have to say also that I do have a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old.  I lost my mother 3 weeks after my son (the 4 mnth old) was born.  This was a terrible blow to me, and not to mention the raging hormones from the baby....my husband was understanding; to a certain degree.  He never delt with a loss like that and he can't put himself in that position to do so.  aLSO, he does not understand post partum.  I snap at him a lot but it's because in the back of my mind I'm pissed and hurt that he takes no sexual interest in me. I am on wellbutrin now, but it's not "great"(on it for 2 months).  

As for our sexual history, well it was more than before we were married it was better than now.  I can count on 2 hands how many times we have had it since we have been married.  We never do anything oral; he stopped me once when i was about to "go down there"...I never tried it again- I was embarressed (no prior history of a bad ** either!)  Our sex lasts all of 3-5 min!!!!  ALSO, I have recently found out through a sneek peek at his texts (yes I resorted to that for some answers), that he has been smoking weed, and buying it from some guy.  I caught him outside on the deck smoking and he said he does it occasionally to relieve stree and help him sleep.  What else is he hiding???  It's Sunday now and he is with his friends watching football and also let me know that this will be a sunday thing for him.  

As far as affection, he is to a degree but not latley- a bit less now.  I think I look pretty damn good- flat tummy, and just an athletic build.  But I think he misses his bachelor days and is having a hard time coping.  We lived together after we were married, but dated 4.5 years prior to that.  

He also tells me I don't have any friends, and it's my fault for it.  I have a full time job (on maternity leave extended til NOV. 1), and 2 young children.  I like my free time with them.  I go out maybe once a month and it suits me fine.  He can't stand it- it's like a turn off for him; it annoys him- I know strange....

I can answer any other questions so please fire away and thanks all again for your time.
1415482 tn?1459702714
Do you guys fight alot about the simplest things? You say that u snap at him sometimes because ur frustrated does this lead to blow outs?
Avatar universal
Would it be possible for the two of you to get into some sort of therapy?

I've read that if a married couple has sex 10 x's or less in a year, it's a sexless marriage. Which is not healthy. The intimacy of sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship.

If he is truly afraid of more kids, what about him getting vasectomy? Or using condoms and birth control to prevent anymore kids?

As far as the football goes...it's one day a week. Here in our house both my husband and I are sports nuts. We never miss a football or hockey game. We actually just got done watching the Steelers whoop on the Titans. It's what we enjoy. If he likes watching football on Sunday, what if you go do something on Sunday's? What about making other mom friends so when you do things with them, kids can go if there is no sitter?

I also work, part-time, and have twin boys. Anytime I do anything, I take my boys with me and it's usually a kid friendly thing.
973741 tn?1342342773
First let me say how sorry I am to hear of the loss to your mother.  You describe that exactly as I describe losing mine-----  a terrible blow.  It feels that way. It is more than a loss . . . it feels like a punch to the gut.  And when you have kids-------  you see Grandmas everywhere and feel pain for your kids as well.  My mom has been gone for 16 plus years now and it hurts like it was yesterday.  You are still grieving this loss and I hope you are very kind to yourself.  I found the book "Motherless Daughters" hit home for me.  

What I would focus on in your situation is not so much the surface of lack of sexual contact.  There is obviously more going on.  You describe a few years where sex has been lacking.  Could your boyfriend be depressed as well?  Weed is often a substance used to self medicate and libido takes a dip often with depression.  If you think he is, I'd approach it very gently in such a way "you don't seem happy.  I want to help you.  Let's talk to someone about it."  That kind of soft approach would be best.  

And looking at what could be going on within the relationship that is non sex oriented is good.  HOW can you be close without sex.  Start there.  By close, I mean feeling connected.  Can you come up with a short list of ways you can connect with him?  

I also wanted to add that I do give my husband a bit of time with the guys and do it without any resentment or hassle from me because he comes back thankful, recharged, happy to be back home because he had a bit of relaxing time doing something I don't really want to do (sit in someone's dark basement sipping keg beer watching sports).  

I do feel for you.  I hope it all works out dear.  Peace.
Avatar universal
Hi- yes it does turn into blowouts-mostly me just slowly unleashing pent up frustration.  He fails to remember the talk i had with him about my mother and how difficult it is for me; please understand that this is a new emotion etc.,  I don't like to snap like that-definatley not in my nature.  Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by marrying him.  I have 2 beautiful children that i will never regret having; they are my world.  But my husband and i are on 2 different pages.  I try, believe me I do, to be friends with him, but sometimes i just can't stand the man. My big question these past few days is this :DO I CONFRONT HIM ABOUT THE PORN I HAVE SEEN AND DO I ALSO MENTION THAT I HAVE OTHER SUSPICIOUS THOUGHTS ABOUT HIS DRUG USE (which all i know know is just weed)???  

Want to add also that i have had highlights put in my hair- my friends seem to like it (nothing drastic)- and he never commented on it.  I get my hair blown out once a week to get him to notice me that way- nothing.  This is just so humiliating in every way.  Thanks to all for your thoughts- it really helps me.  
134578 tn?1578157483
Please stop focusing on whether your tummy is flat or your hair is highlighted and being resentful because he's not being understanding, and get into counseling (with or without him) to decide what's going on in the marriage.  He really does sound depressed.  Some men really are hit hard by becoming daddies, they feel like all their fun in the whole world is gone.  Again, the weed and the porn don't sound good, but if he is self-medicating and turning to things as coping mechanisms (I know, not good mechanisms, but mechanisms all the same) it is not the weed and the porn that is doing this, but something else that he reacts to with weed, porn, and emotionally shutting down.  See a counselor.  Take him if he will go.  Ask the counselor if he sounds depressed.  Then talk to him from there.
Avatar universal
ok, you are right- i should stop focusing on physical attributes.  I take into consideration the counciling more and more these last 24 hours.  Thanks for the reality check- and "specialmom" too for your sympathy and and suggestions as well. This is why i came to this forum.  I have never done this, but also hard to discuss with girlfriends because of the gossip situation.  Again, I appreciate everyones  advice.  

I will keep you posted. Best, K
134578 tn?1578157483
Good luck, Kath, a good counselor can be a HUGE help and a major relief too.
Avatar universal
thank you by the way for your condolences and about the book suggestion.
Avatar universal
hi all: I confronted my husband.  I told him I need to retrieve a \n old file and did not see it on the desk top so looked in the "trash" icon.  He has tons of work there.  I told him I came across a girls *** and clicked on it; it was a 60 sec video. I then saw other still pics andmore videos.  I right clicked to find out the activity on it.  They were late at night, times when I was in bed, or out of town.  This friday I confronted him about it at bedtime.  He said it was left over from his friends computer that he bought- (please). The next day he said it was sent to him by friends and that he doesn't look at that "smut" so he put it in the trash.  Then he went on to say that he gets them randomly, and he puts them in the trash bin.  Then, he says its the URL sent an attachment to him which can lead to random photos of animals, nature and naked women?? He says that since I don't believe him we are yet again stuck on anissue I had to bring up. Come on. The last 3 excuses were put on a text.  It is sunday night and we still have not discussed it; let alone have hardly spoken.  He thinks I'm acting annoyed and I told him that he just annoys me.  He stormed out of the room.  I can't understand how he holds this against me and really thinks I will believe this.  We both have not tried talking about it.  Friday and Sat night I slept with my daughter. I'm in her room again tonight. I can't sleep next to him. He just assumes I'll forget and all will be forgotten.  Thoughts on how to proceed from here?  I'm stuck.  Thanks.
Avatar universal
Oh dear,this is not a good situation at all and i think the writings on the wall.He has been on the computer up to no good and is probably getting satisfaction that way and ignoring you.That,s very sad because you should be the love of his life instead he,s looking at other women on the net.You need to sort out the whole computer images of other women situation because it could quite easily lead to cheating or addiction.And he smokes weed aswell.The 2 of you need to sit down and have a good long talk and establish where this relationship is headed.All the best.
Avatar universal
Well, apparently he is mad because he has been caught.  It is so obvious he is doing this because the activity is happening at night or when you aren't around.  Unfortunately he is sticking with his lies.  Until he is willing to "come clean" what can you do?  Hopefully, he will.  He has to be willing to admit there is a problem and be willing to work on this.  He is definitely having a difficult time with something if he is watching porn and smoking "weed."  

Hopefully you all are talking today.  Unfortunately, this NEEDS to be talked about and sorted.  He has to realise that this can't be "swept under a rug" and forgotten.  When you all do talk, don't use any insulting words, comments, etc.  
Once again, if he refuses to "come clean," I don't know what you can do about that.  

If he doesn't, you will have to do some long "soul-searching."  Do you want to stay with someone who can't be truthful and not willing to work on problems?  Do you want to stay with someone who you have 0 intimacy with and who would rather deal with the porn and smoke "weed?"  To compound problems you all have two children.  

I know you didn't want to hear anything about therapy, but I can't see this marriage working out without it.  If he doesn't want to go, you should go and get a professional's opinion about all this.  

973741 tn?1342342773
Hm.  Was he mad because you were snooping?  Some people feel violated when another (even their spouse) go through their things.  

Listen, I still contend this has nothing to do with sex but other issues between you.  That is going to be the heart of solving this issue and at least getting him to not be defensive and open up to you as to why he is not wanting intimacy in the bedroom.  

I would have told you that if you "confronted" him that you would get the reaction you did.  That sets up a situation when one feels like they are 'in trouble' and often this will derail any sort of real communication.  Your best bet if you want to save this marriage is to approach him about the TWO of you as a couple verses what HE has done.  What is wrong with the two of you as a couple and what can you work on to be closer.  What is at the heart of your disconnection and issues with each other.  These are the things you need to talk to him about and during that discussion, you can let him know that you are hurt that he has been ignoring you and using porn instead.  Isn't your anger really hurt?  

That porn is a symptom of a problem and not the problem in and of itself.  REalize that and you are going to get farther in solving this.  good luck
Avatar universal
Like I stated, he is upset because he has been caught and doesn't know how to get out of this.  Good thing you did find out he was doing this behind your back so that you know what you are dealing with.  His actions are affecting the marriage.  Yeah, I would say he is in "trouble" and don't see a problem confronting him because he is wrong.  

Hopefully, he will be honest about what in the heck is going on with him.      

973741 tn?1342342773
My advice had nothing to do with yours but it seems by your quick response using my words that you thought it did.  Just trying to help the poster as all here are trying to do.  

Good luck to Kath.  Hard to have two little ones and try to sort out a marriage.  Hope she is able to have a happy ending here.  
Avatar universal
Wow, great advice (from all of you).  Very well put; thank you for taking time to write such helpful words, i mean that.   Will certainly talk to him in a non judgemental approach.  Hopefully tonight.  My 2.5 year old is picking up the tension, as is my 4 month old.  while I'm mentioning it,, so are the dogs....

Thank you again all who replied. Will let you know.  
973741 tn?1342342773
Good luck Kath!  You are so right that when their is tension between mom and dad, it sets the tone for the whole house.  

Meaningful discussion is what is key here and being able to get him to open up is hard if he feels attacked.  You have every right to share your disappointment and hurt and should but within the context of him understanding your feelings while you are trying to understand his----  so you can find common ground to work on to save your marriage.  

I know everyone that has posted here has your best interest at heart.  I again, wish you luck dear.
Avatar universal
Keep us posted.

All the best.

Avatar universal
I am a minister, i have been married for 20 years, and have at times had problems with pornography.  My wife has IC and sex is painful, so our sex life has been very spotty.  I have also counseled many people, and sex is almost always a part of marriage problems.  I agree that this is s symptom of a deeper problem rather than the problem itself.  For me, porn was an outlet. For your husband, it sounds like a substitute.  The defensiveness is a guilt thing, and confronting him probably won't make him quit the behavior, just find another way to do it without being caught.  Regardless of your looks, if there is an intimacy problem it indicates dissatisfaction with the relationship in general, and therapy may help get to the bottom of it.  Also, you may simply ask him if there is anything about the WAY you make love that is unfulfilling for him.  Sometimes guys bring baggage (girls too) into their marriage and there is a comparison thing going on.  Also, realize that porn is a fantasy life where there is no commitment and little risk, which may be his attraction to it.  It won't mattter if all that happens takes 3-5 minutes when he's by himself because the actors can't critique him.  On the other hand, he may have anxiety issues about satisfying you
973741 tn?1342342773
Thank you for your insight Reelman!  
Avatar universal
Interesting insight.  I just need to keep my cool and see how things go.  It REALLY bothers me that he won't come clean and admit a lot of things to me.  He went out this afternoon to watch football somewhere (I'm fine with it!) and came home very tired....smoking pot?  I don't know.  He is in bed with my daughter- fell asleep reading to her. I just have a bad vibe about him.  Last night he said he was glad I talked with him about the problems we have been having: Yes specialmom and Londes70 I sat him down to talk- last Monday.  He said he was going to let this wholesituation  dissolve on it's own, and glad I spoke up. I was like..."aahhh...(that was a huge deal" (asking him about the porn and getting made up reasons)  I did not know how to respond to this comment.  I remain stuck.
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