What can you do to save your marriage? Well, you have to be willing to go a long way to fix it, and mean it. You're going to have to apologize, and to convince her by how you behave that you will never, ever even think of cheating again, and you are going to have to be able to handle her justifiable anger with patience for a long time, and probably on top of that, you're going to have to be a perfect husband forever. And, frankly, even then she might never fully trust you again. (Why would she? You screwed around with her cousin after you got married to her.) Are you up for all that to save your marriage, or do you think it sounds like too much work? As far as she's concerned, fidelity was part of the deal when you married, and you walked all over her trust, and with her relative, what a betrayal. Of course she's furious, hurt, and torn up.
Are you seeing a counselor? He or she might be able to guide the two of you to some kind of way to work this through. But there is no simple fix, and acting put-upon that she keeps bringing it up is no way to begin if you are serious about saving your marriage.
Hi. First, forgive yourself. Cheating is, of course, a terrible thing to do but I do view it as a mistake like any other. What did you learn from it? That it is NOT worth losing your wife over and you only want to be with HER. That's valuable information. Share it with her over and over and over.
Are you in counseling? That is a great place for a couple to work on this. And if she continues with a counselor on her own, that helps too. That is a great place for her to 'vent'. She's hurt. She's trying to process it all.
Should it go on forever? No, absolutely not. SHE has a responsibility too to move on from this. It double stings because it is a family member she can't just be done with (as in she will see her at gatherings). But how long this takes is open for debate and you have to be patient.
We have two members here where the man cheated and the woman took a long time to get over it. It has now been years and they are still together.
One thing you can do is have vent free times. Okay, we are going to grab an appetizer and hang out at this restaurant for an hour . . . let's make it vent free, problem free time for one hour. Couples who fight a lot are often recommended to do this because this is how they reconnect and have a little fun together to rekindle things. That one hour or two hours of 'nothing heavy' and just being in each other's company.
This is a difficult situation but many MANY get through it. It's hard on you because it is easier for you to just move on and try to forget. But not so easy for her yet. She'll get there, give her time but do NOT minimize her feelings.
And truth is, often in cheating situations, it is a wake up call for a couple to work on their relationship. It can be an indication that emotional space has developed. And hey, when my kids were young, I can see how this happens. A woman is so engrossed in parenting that being sexy or taking time for the partner is something you have to 'make time for' rather than your priority.
Hang in there and we are here to support you!
She asked you "why you did this to her"...I dont believe you did. I think it came from your own lack of self esteem, insecurities etc. She is going to feel it was all about her as that is where our minds go. I was a cheater many years ago. It was easier to jump in the sack or backseat or motel room with someone else than deal with my own demons. I certainly didnt want my then husband to know i was doing this. Those moments of sex with someone else gave me that boost to my ego or so i thought. We all like that instant gratification whether it be emotionally or sexually. Black Velvet and dope was the driving factor for my indiscretions and total mind screw. I am 57 yrs old
now and in a very loving marriage with a husband i adore and i wouldnt think of cheating on him mainly because of me as i would never lower myself to become someone's mistress again. I wouldnt do that to him either i might add.
This will take some time. Your actions will speak louder than words. Maybe start out by going out on a date. I like that you are allowing her to feel what she does. I highly recommend counseling as this is something people can work thru. Do you need to be punished forever? No, there comes a time where you 2 need to move forward. Trust can be lost in an instant and can take years for it to come back. This will be a time thing now with you being sincere, open and honest. Start out slow with your wife, reconnect, forgive and hopefully you 2 will have the relationship that is better than ever. I wish you well as this is tough~
Was this affair something that went on for awhile?
Cerezo, if you were having an affair for a long time with your wife's cousin, and have told your wife that now you want to just "move on," and find it vexing that she keeps asking why you did it, it is hard to see that your mindset is taking you to a place where your wife can ever forgive you. You sound like you think you had a right to do it and don't understand why she isn't going along with your moving-on plan. Are you such a catch that a woman cannot say that what you did is insulting and a huge affront to her pride? If your wife had been having a long-term affair with your cousin and you had stayed faithful, and when you found out, she just shrugged it off and wanted you to stop asking why and wanted to just move on, would you just roll over and forget it?
If this is her cousin, what would keep her from meeting the cousin? Certainly she doesn't need your permission, right? And, do you think this would result in violence?
If you genuinely don't know why she is mad or hurt, and why she doesn't just "move on" after you cheated with her cousin for years, I think you aren't going to be able to fix the situation and I can't imagine why she would want to stay married to you. This is because the error was in you, the error is not in her reaction. And if you don't accept that you are the one who made the mess and has the flaw, you will continue to imply to her that she should just forget it and stay your wife, and that is asking her to swallow a huge lump of unfair treatment by you without even reacting to how wrong it was. She deserves to know you have changed, if you have, and frankly it doesn't sound like you've changed anything, you're just trying to get away with your bad behavior.