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Avatar universal

He says we are done ...but are we?

My boyfriend and I have been in an exclusive dating relationship for 5 months....Today, he found out I never told him the truth about my age...or my second marriage, that was short and annulled...he also found out I was still on tagged a networking and friends site...so he said we are done...he said I was a liar and a cheat...I have never cheated on him and love him very much...I asked him to forgive me...that I was taught you never air your dirty laundry until you totally trust someone and more time has passed.  Well, to complicate the matter, his old gf whom he lived with for a year...and they broke up last year is back...and she has been calling him....she stole $10,000 of his money, she is now paying it back and wants to get in his good graces....so bottom line is....she called while I was visiting him, he took the call but did not leave the room.....he is talking to her we know on the phone....he has forgiven her for stealing from him, but wont forgive me for not telling the truth about my second marriage or my real age....so what do you feel is really going on here....I think he has used all of this as an excuse to break up with me, so he can feel good about getting back with her...remember they lived together for a year over a year ago....also, a girl by the name of this gf was searching for me online checking any websites I had visited....so I feel she told him this information about my real age and my second marriage...to drive a wedge between he and I....he told me he and I are done....so what do I do.....I asked for his forgiveness for not airing all my laundry after only 5 months...and he still hasnt told me much about his past....I have decided to stay silent and move on.....what is your opinion of what is really going on behind the scenes.
11 Responses
3605625 tn?1385017548
Well what's with the 'real age' dilemma? Are you a lot older than him or a lot younger? Did you lie about your age? That's probably not a good start, and in the future I would probably be upfront and honest about the previous marriage. That's just my opinion, you may as well be honest and upfront about it straight off the bat, and  let the person take it from there. If being previously married is a deal breaker for him(or any prospective man for that matter) then so be it. As for the ex gf thing, maybe he's trying to make you jealous and let you know someone else is there for him because you weren't, not much you can do about it, I'd let him have some space for a while, let him work out what it is he wants.
Avatar universal
When is telling the truth "airing your dirty laundry?"  Usually in the initial meeting most people share his/her age.  Within 5 months of dating I would think the discussion of whether you've been married before or not would of come up.  If he asked you and you decided to lie, then those are "red flags" for him.  Lying or dealing with a liar is a dealbreaker for many people.  I am not sure how you can "love" someone and at the same time lie to them and/or feel uncomfortable about "airing your dirty laundry" to them.  That doesn't make sense.  

To be honest you only dated him for 5 months which isn't a long time.  Perhaps he was longer involved with this other woman and the connection/relationship was deeper, i.e. they lived together, therefore, he is able to forgive her for what she did.

You pretty much set the tone early by lying about your age and not being forthright about being married twice.  Then that business with the 'Tagged' network.  In other words you have given him too much to doubt too early on in the relationship.  Maybe the other woman didn't do this?

The ex didn't sabotage your relationship............you DID.  Even if she found all the info online it still doesn't take away from the fact you lied or withheld info.

"I think he has used all of this as an excuse to break up with me, so he can feel good about getting back with her."...................Hon, you lied to him/tried to deceive him.  Catching someone in lies is NO lame excuse to break up with him or her.  Lying is a big deal.

I would leave him be and give him space like the above poster suggested.  He may or may not be able to get past this.  Just be prepared for the worse meaning he won't be forgiving you.  This is all too fresh for him.........give him plenty of space and say nothing more.

I wouldn't suggest comparing your relationship with him and the ex's relationship with him........you are comparing apples with oranges.   Furthermore you are in no position to tell him who or what he should forgive.  That's his prerogative.
Avatar universal
I'm not sure how your true age and your prior marital status could be considered "dirty laundry". If I put myself in his shoes, I can see why this would be a deal breaker. I really don't think there's anything else going on here other than him catching you in more than one lite about yourself and that he decided not to stay too find out what else you may be hiding. I highly doubt there's anything else going on "behind the scenes" as you said, because most people, confronted with the knowledge that their gf or bf lied to then about these kinds of things wouldn't really be to keen on continuing a relationship with them after finding out. There's really not much more to it than that.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Your post makes me sad as there seems to be some shame attached to things for you such as having been married twice before and how old you really are verses this man.  Honey, you are who you are. There is no reason to be ashamed.  We all live life and do the best we can and frankly, sometimes we screw up.  Maybe the marriage was a mess up but that is how you learn and you are certainly not alone in having one or two failed marriages. Have you seen what the divorce rate these days?  It's high!  

Now the age is more baffling.  Not being honest about one's age makes me think you were trying to deceive him because why would someone lie about that?  That would be something that could definitely be a deal breaker.  

If he were to write to us, I'd tell him that this lying is a major red flag.  I think you need to figure out exactly why you did it and tell him that.  Then he can decide if he wants to accept the red flag that you will lie for whatever reason.  He may if your reasons appeal to his empathetic side.  So give that a shot but I think some genuine soul searching might help you for next time.  peace and luck
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi Also. Lying about your age and not informing him about your prior marriage would not make him fall out of love for you. He seems to want his cake and eat it to. Him calling you a liar and cheat leads me to believe hes better off with the girl that steals from him. She would be the real liar and cheat.
Avatar universal
I think you just need to try to understand this from his perspective. It's really hard to continue a relationship with someone after you find out they've lied about these kinds of things because it makes a person question what else they might be hiding. I'm sure if the situation were reversed and you were on the receiving end of this, you'd see that clearly but because your the one who did it, it's hard to see that point of view. I'm not sure that there's much you can do to make it up to him because trust is one of those very fragile things that is easily broken and very hard to get back once it's been compromised.
134578 tn?1614729226
Not much to add.  He caught you lying, whether or not someone pointed it out to him.  He wants to be with someone he can trust.  Lies make a person feel like he cannot trust the liar.  Quietly accept this, and plan not to have him in your life, I frankly don't think he will come back.  As specialmom says, maybe if you tell him your fears associated with his knowing your real age, he would understand, but that will probably not make things the way they were.  It sounds like he is done.
134578 tn?1614729226
ps -- I just saw the age you posted on your profile.  From just the post, I thought maybe you were 46 and he was 35 and you were trying to pretend to be 38, or something like that.  It is a little puzzling to me why, if your age is as listed, it would matter how old you are, it's not like you are trying to trick him into marriage so you can have a baby.  Sweetheart, hold your head up high, and own your age.  You are who you are, and what you are, and there is no shame in it.  As Gloria Steinem said when she turned 50 and people told her she didn't look 50, "This is what 50 looks like!"  You should never walk around feeling embarrassed about your age, it is your status, and no matter how old you are, you can make it look good.
517872 tn?1623105664
hi there, hope you are doing great.. its been more than a year since i separated from my girl friend, i do still miss her but i think i have to accept the reality.. during all this time i did make some attempts to get in touch with her but had a very cold response from her... anyways life is not that long or made entirely for running after the one you have feelings for.. anyways could you suggest me how to get over these feelings of lost love, do you think i should find a new gf and try to be happy... or it just happens
Avatar universal
"Can't hurry love..." It just happens..but dating..it's time I think ;)
517872 tn?1623105664
you are a sweetheart :)
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