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He will not commit....am I being too pushy? PLEASE HELP!
I am 40 with two children (divorced) and he is 47 (divorced). We have been together for 1 1/2 years, living together for most of that time, we truly loved and trusted eachother from the start. The problem is that whenever I bring up marriage, or even a long (2-3 year) engagement, he resists. This has become a major upset for us both. His rejection hurts me and he feels I am pressuring him. His words were "just let it happen". The last time we discussed this was around Christmas when I told him that I'd like a ring. He said "No, you want an engagement ring and I don't want to give you any false hope". Well, that sounded pretty much like "never" to me, but he says "I took it the wrong way". Huh???? I feel that he is "milking the cow" and it is now time for him to "man-up" and either make a commitment or I need to find someone else who has similar plans for their future. Am I pushing it? He is very nice and considerate otherwise. I told him that I want to move out and have found an apartment. He is hurt and says "I can't believe you would just up and leave me just because I won't say that I will marry you". I am a fairly intelligent person, AM I MISSING SOMETHING? AM I BLINDED BY LOVE? WHATS THE DEAL? It hurts that he will share himself with someone else eventually and probably get married 6 months from now to someone else (smile). I hate to sound like a "loser" but do you think my move will open his eyes? Should I wait a few months after I move until I seriously say "it's over" I feel dumb, confused and used.....
Soooo comforted to know that I am not the only one with a BF for almost 3 years that has committment issues, but what if I do too? I do think his fear is bigger and mine, but I also feel like I do not want to waste my time! It's hard because he is such a GREAT guy! He tells me that he has given me the "key to his heart" and other nice things, but we BOTH were screwed 5 yrs. ago w/ BAD divorces. What do you do when we both have the fears and the guy is terrific???
Hello everyone Iam new on this site ..it is great to see how many of us are sharing our experiences and ideas..and also our frustations and heartaches about this commitmens phobics mens..however i will be telling my dilema pretty soon..>>
Ladies!
Ultimatums do WORK! I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We both are 45 years old, our children are adults and we were living together for almost a 1 1/2 when I asked him about our future. He just started the I AM NOT READY FOR COMMITMENT CAMPAING! When I hooked up with him, I was extremely clear almost to blunt about my expectations. I told him that I was very happy as a single, free and independent woman and don't needed a man but if I decided to be in a relationship it was for the long term, serious and committed. I shared my ideas for the future such as traveling, buying a better house, weekends away, as a couple that do not have any little kids to worry about. He was on board with everything! Yeah, right!
I asked on February, we argued and fight about it until April. He promised that he would get me a ring by my birthday on May, when my birthday came he just gave me a regular cocktail ring. Needless to say that there was a huge fight, he left my house and found an apartment because he claims that I was trying to control and force him into what he did not want to do. After couple of weeks of fights things cool off and we got back together with the help of our couple therapist. The idea was to give him more time to think things over.
By August, I was staying at his apartment more days a week than I was in my own house. Little by little he was sucking me in to what he had before, me with him 7 days a week but not commitment from his part. He started fighting with me everytime I will spend the night at my house. Until 3 weeks ago when I could not stand it anymore and let my anger and frustration out! I walked out of his apartment after I told him that either he will make a decision and let me go for good or he will buy me a ring and commit to me. I do not want to get marry right away but I do need a commitment from him because we are not getting any younger to be wasting our time. We need to plan a future for our old age and retirement.
So he started chasing me, calling me, harassing me, emailing me, showing up in the places he knew I am going to be dancing. I never fully cut the communication, let him talk and talk, write emails, leave messages but I would not move away from my decision, either commit to me or let me go. I left my things in his apartment and told him that if he decide to let me go to pack it up and bring it to my house. YOU SEE THE PLAN? If he decided to let me go, it would be his decision and he had nothing to blame on me, I am not leaving him but I am not sleeping with him anymore or sharing my precious time! I THREW THE BALL ON HIS SIDE OF THE COURT FOR HIM TO TAKE ACTION.
After he showed up at a club where I was dancing and looking very sexy (never forget to look your best when you break up with someone) he danced with me all night and after I gave him a ride to his car we had a very heart felt conversation, where I proposed to him to be friends and end our relationship as civilize people, while holding his hand, HE FINALLY GAVE UP! Still I stayed in my house for two more nights until that Monday when we went to the jewerly store and I picked my ENGAGEMENT RING! He put it in my finger while telling me that over those two weeks he realized how much he loves me and didn't want to lose me!
Now HE IS THE ONE TELLING EVERYONE THAT WE ARE ENGAGED!!! We are making plans for a long engagement and short term plans to buy a new house to move in together again. Our kids are happy for us. I am very happy and looking forward to the future with him. We do love each other. LADIES IT IS A HUGE GAMBLE, but if you are not happy and getting nowhere what is the point of staying in the relationship. If you are going to take the risk of an ULTIMATUM just make sure that you know there is a chance that it might not work and you have to be willing to take a chance that it might be over for good. SO THINK ABOUT IT AND BE BRAVE. GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU!
Ultimatums do WORK! I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We both are 45 years old, our children are adults and we were living together for almost a 1 1/2 when I asked him about our future. He just started the I AM NOT READY FOR COMMITMENT CAMPAING! When I hooked up with him, I was extremely clear almost to blunt about my expectations. I told him that I was very happy as a single, free and independent woman and don't needed a man but if I decided to be in a relationship it was for the long term, serious and committed. I shared my ideas for the future such as traveling, buying a better house, weekends away, as a couple that do not have any little kids to worry about. He was on board with everything! Yeah, right!
I asked on February, we argued and fight about it until April. He promised that he would get me a ring by my birthday on May, when my birthday came he just gave me a regular cocktail ring. Needless to say that there was a huge fight, he left my house and found an apartment because he claims that I was trying to control and force him into what he did not want to do. After couple of weeks of fights things cool off and we got back together with the help of our couple therapist. The idea was to give him more time to think things over.
By August, I was staying at his apartment more days a week than I was in my own house. Little by little he was sucking me in to what he had before, me with him 7 days a week but not commitment from his part. He started fighting with me everytime I will spend the night at my house. Until 3 weeks ago when I could not stand it anymore and let my anger and frustration out! I walked out of his apartment after I told him that either he will make a decision and let me go for good or he will buy me a ring and commit to me. I do not want to get marry right away but I do need a commitment from him because we are not getting any younger to be wasting our time. We need to plan a future for our old age and retirement.
So he started chasing me, calling me, harassing me, emailing me, showing up in the places he knew I am going to be dancing. I never fully cut the communication, let him talk and talk, write emails, leave messages but I would not move away from my decision, either commit to me or let me go. I left my things in his apartment and told him that if he decide to let me go to pack it up and bring it to my house. YOU SEE THE PLAN? If he decided to let me go, it would be his decision and he had nothing to blame on me, I am not leaving him but I am not sleeping with him anymore or sharing my precious time! I THREW THE BALL ON HIS SIDE OF THE COURT FOR HIM TO TAKE ACTION.
After he showed up at a club where I was dancing and looking very sexy (never forget to look your best when you break up with someone) he danced with me all night and after I gave him a ride to his car we had a very heart felt conversation, where I proposed to him to be friends and end our relationship as civilize people, while holding his hand, HE FINALLY GAVE UP! Still I stayed in my house for two more nights until that Monday when we went to the jewerly store and I picked my ENGAGEMENT RING! He put it in my finger while telling me that over those two weeks he realized how much he loves me and didn't want to lose me!
Now HE IS THE ONE TELLING EVERYONE THAT WE ARE ENGAGED!!! We are making plans for a long engagement and short term plans to buy a new house to move in together again. Our kids are happy for us. I am very happy and looking forward to the future with him. We do love each other. LADIES IT IS A HUGE GAMBLE, but if you are not happy and getting nowhere what is the point of staying in the relationship. If you are going to take the risk of an ULTIMATUM just make sure that you know there is a chance that it might not work and you have to be willing to take a chance that it might be over for good. SO THINK ABOUT IT AND BE BRAVE. GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU!
Update: a month after I posted this he called me and asked me to meet. I was very, very wary-I felt like I was just beginning to come out the other side of the break up. So I met him and we talked and have agreed to get back. What a rollercoaster eh? Basically we talked about everything and I was able to say exactly how I felt and how far down id felt on his list, he told me a few home truths too. He said he saw marriage in our future and this is a bit cringe but I but i had to ask him specifically when ie some sort of date eange and he said all going well, we would get engaged within the year and marriage soon enough after that. So there you go. It feels right and I am happy but will continue to monitor the situation. I can see he is making an effort and so am I so I suppose watch this space..
Reading these comments have really helped. Ive just left my boyfriend because after 20 months it was clear that he wouldnt commit. It was one of the hardest things Ive ever done. Im 34 and he 44, neither of us have been married before. I am at the stage where I want love,stability and a future..or at least some talk of a future, any time I would raise the future he would clam up,,or say something weak like he was not wasting my time. Mostly every other boxes were ticked, I love him and we were so close. I really miss that. Throughout the relationship he continued to party with friends 10 years younger then him and towards the end he stopped asking me to things. We began to row quite a bit, that was alot to do with my feelings of concern about the relationship but he never reassured me. In the end I couldnt stand the atmosphere in the house and had to go. He tried to get me to stay but said nothing to back it up. He has sent me texts over the last few days, Ive responded to them but not initiated any. I cant believe I am being so strong. The truth hurts..if he really wanted me back and us to work ,,he would be banging down the door in an attempt to sort this out but of course there has been none of that. Its amazing how they are so dependent on you when you are there but once you are gone ...they can shut down and shut you out of their life. His last two girlfriends gave 7 and 5 years of their lives to him. As hurt as Im feeling now ..Im coming to accept that I did the right thing to go now. In these situations you can call their bluff..but be prepared to deal with the consequence of him not turning up with roses but letting you go for good. In any case you know where you stand,,,
If you are seeing the writing on the wall as you are finally admitting to, then you have been in the relationship long enough. There are lots of fobic-commitment men, much less do they ever intend to marry.
If they are getting the milk for free, why buy the cow. After 1 1/2 years dating, and the guy is obviously not enthusiastic to get married, you have his clear answer. So stop wasting your time with them and move on to greener pastures. These guy are dead-ends.
NEVER accept a long-term engagement!!!!!!! If this is his preference, dump him. If you bought a product that was not working the way you intended, you would take it back or throw it away!
The same goes for these marriage-fobics. Don't worship these guys. You deserve better.
If they are getting the milk for free, why buy the cow. After 1 1/2 years dating, and the guy is obviously not enthusiastic to get married, you have his clear answer. So stop wasting your time with them and move on to greener pastures. These guy are dead-ends.
NEVER accept a long-term engagement!!!!!!! If this is his preference, dump him. If you bought a product that was not working the way you intended, you would take it back or throw it away!
The same goes for these marriage-fobics. Don't worship these guys. You deserve better.
Just make sure if you do get married that you get a prenup. Protect your assets, ladies! I'd never get married without a prenup.
You both have experienced past marriages, which unfortunately have ended up in divorce. Usually when you mention marriage to a man who was recently divorced, he will run as fast as he can in the other direction. I think he has already experienced marriage and it did not work out for him, so why repeat it. I also belive that if you continue to pressure him into something he does not want or is ready for at this point, you are going to add tention to your relationship, which eventually will either break up or who knows, he just might take a chance and ask you to marry him, but to be honest with you, I doubt it.
If you value your relationship, leave well enought alone or leave. If he truly loves you, he will comitte to you when he is ready. Judy
If you value your relationship, leave well enought alone or leave. If he truly loves you, he will comitte to you when he is ready. Judy
Books like "He's Just not Into You" are less than worthless. Here's an idea for a book: "He's Just Not Into Anybody!" If she leaves, this clown is going to go out, find another girlfriend, and pull the same stunt with her 1 1/2 years from now: no commitments for her either. These people don't change.
Men with commitment issues have a hard time hiding their garbage. If it was important enough to her, he'd get married.
I'd like to know what "setting a date" means. Are you saying you are up and leaving the relationship on a certain date? That takes guts. I admire you for doing that. You have to do what is right for you.
I too want to be married without living with somebody. (I'm 50 and never been married, although I lived with someone for 7 years.) I just want to be able to say "My husband this" and "my husband that." I'm tired of having boyfriends. I've had boyfriends for 30 years.
Good luck.
Men with commitment issues have a hard time hiding their garbage. If it was important enough to her, he'd get married.
I'd like to know what "setting a date" means. Are you saying you are up and leaving the relationship on a certain date? That takes guts. I admire you for doing that. You have to do what is right for you.
I too want to be married without living with somebody. (I'm 50 and never been married, although I lived with someone for 7 years.) I just want to be able to say "My husband this" and "my husband that." I'm tired of having boyfriends. I've had boyfriends for 30 years.
Good luck.
im a single mother, 38, and he is almost 44, no kids, never married, never had long lasting relationships, (maybe once and recently and she left after they lived together for 1 year because he didn't marry her). I know she is still single, and 37 and is upset about the breakup... when i met him, I was 100% sure that we want the same things. But his behaviour is uo and down, one week, he is a comited guy to me, another, he is distant. After 7 months of dating, all of a sudden he tells me he is 'not ready'. And he has this problem in his head about 'commitment'.... and he wants me to understand and wait. I asked him how he feels about me, he says that he knows that Im the 'one'. but that he is used to 'chasing' women and that's what sparks his interest and Im 'nice' and not playing games and that he 'loves' me.
I ve been dating all my life and honestly thought that this is it, he is the one, he even lives near me and shares my son's b-day... and we have a lot in common. I broke up with him over him not being ready and not being sure about his feelings for me but he asked to give him some time. Shoudl I move on or should i wait for him? For some reason, I haven't met a single marriage-minded man in years, they all want to play...but no serious intentions. and when I think i have to start over again to look, to date, etc i get depressed.
I ve been dating all my life and honestly thought that this is it, he is the one, he even lives near me and shares my son's b-day... and we have a lot in common. I broke up with him over him not being ready and not being sure about his feelings for me but he asked to give him some time. Shoudl I move on or should i wait for him? For some reason, I haven't met a single marriage-minded man in years, they all want to play...but no serious intentions. and when I think i have to start over again to look, to date, etc i get depressed.
Wow..I 'm in the same place myself and I see that I'm not alone. My BF and I have been together for about 14 mo. We initially knew we were dating to marry. It seems after about the10th month he started becoming distant a bit. Everytime marriage would come up he would state "yeah we will but I want to just up and do it one day". I'm 42 divorced and he is 45 divorced. I love him very much and feel he loves me too. I have 2 kids also 19 & 14..boys. He has 1 boy 20 lives with his ex in Calif. I'm feeling that he is stringing me along because he has also stated he is "not ready yet" in a conversation with his sister. I believe after 1yr you should know if you are ready. We had an argument and it's been 2 wks. since we've contacted each other. I've had a lot of time to think..it's been hard since we spoke several times per day. I really feel its time to move on. I have no desire to call him. There is no telling when these men will be ready and I'm just not willing to wait..even if you waited years down the line they still may not be ready. There are wondeful men out there who are where we are and I plan to meet one just for me. We deserve so much more! If these men really want us they need to stop taking us for granted. If he comes back..take it from Shirleyme..make him sweat it out! We've been too good to them too long. We have to take a stand at some point..yes it hurts like hell but it'll hurt more if you continue to give in to nonsense! Also the living together thing I'm totally against. Why buy the milk when you've got the cow. They have everything they want at that point why change it!
You have been with him for some time now, and i think that you should have an answer, and it seems he does not want to commit,, well I do know that if you chase a man he will run, but he has been with you and if he is not ready now, it seems that he will not ever be, i think you may be right about milking the cow, so to speak,, and i think you deserve better, than just staying, and hoping, but it is your decision, it will hurt more if he leaves later I wish you luck jo
Girlfiend, Make your decision and stick to it. If you stay, then do that ecause you choose to and realise he may never be readyu to commit. If you decide to leave, then leave and don't look back; don't hold your breath waiting for him to call or come back. If he does come back make him sweat it out (make him proove things will be different) to be sure its not just another prank to get you back to the same old same old. It isn't easy, but it works...it worked for me and 5 of my girlfriends. I told him goodbye, wished him well (even if I nwas breaking up inside) and started my life a new. He called and emailed for over a month and I never once replied...then one day he showed up at my door with 30 blood red roses and an engagement ring. On bended knee he cried as he told me how much he had missed me, how he realised he needed me in his life and realised that I was serious about marriage and that he might really loose me by being stobborn and that did it. All the best! If he's yours, he'll come back, if he does not com back, he never was :-)
My heart goes out to you as well. I wish I knew the best answer. I've been with my "undecided" guy for 2-1/2 years. Everytime I bring up the topic of marriage he goes into "freeze" mode. He just clams up. The comment on insanity is interesting though - repeating the same thing over and over again and not getting a different result. Are we really going insane? The problem is letting go and not being afraid of venturing out alone and finding someone else. The problem of finding someone is doing the whole dating thing all over again...what a drag! Where does incertainty end?
I have been moping for myself - going through a similiar situation.I have been trying to figure out if my tears were really for him(our relationship is pending a break up because of his doubts)orfor me ,yep feeling sorry for myself.My first reaction was broken heart "WHY?"now i'm lost trying to figure out how,how I am going to move on.I got stuck with plans moving across the country to be with him.Boxes are still packed,with no set destination.So no i do not think your being too pushy,you know what you want,and you will only regret it if you keep waiting.I remeber the saying the defintion of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.Myself I can't even call him because I cannot bear to hear the same discussion.That is not a solution butjust remember you are not alone.I hope things work out for you,and i am sorry for whining? on my current situation
The book "He's just not that into you" - read it. I've learned and acted. I'm sad - ended a 3 year relationship - but it wasn't going anywhere. There was fun. There was comfort. But - goals and a future (not to mention marriage) weren't in his scope. He never lied about it. I just didn't want to hear it. I kept saying after year 1, year 2 and year 3 - we've spent all of this time together and (don't ever forget) we LOVE each other - I kept saying - he'll want this too. Why else would he spend this time with me. Because that's just what it was TIME. Not investing in a future, a family. It's crazy now that I look back. He just wasn't into it and he NEVER said he was or WOULD BE. I should have listened. Good luck to you!!! Also - why do women sit back and tip toe over possible cracked eggs and say everyting so carefully to these type of men? We should be able to chat with them about futures just like we do about everything else with them. Sex, weather, vehicles, money, what's for dinner, etc. We ARE more intelligent than THIS. Be strong!
Hi, at this point I wouldn't even consider a long term engagement until I see some improvement on his part that this is what he wants. He said he wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be with me....so show it!!! I'm just too old for this stuff anymore. I was married before for 17 years. I loved the unity of marriage, sharing everything, etc. Even though we did divorce, we were young, just grew apart, this living together doesnt even compare to being marriaged. Living together is very unsettling for me, I don't like it. So he's content and I'm just not sure this is what I want. So I set a date for myself to decide and settle this once and for all for myself. He's a good guy, but cant seem to commit in that way, even though he says he's commited to me, just doesnt make sense. I wish the best to you!
Your not alone, tajmya. I'm in the same boat as you. I'm 45 and we've been dating my b/f for 5 years, living together 1 1/2 yrs. we have talked about marriage, but he is not ready, this is a man of many excuses, so my thought is if he's not ready at this point in our relationship, I don't think he'll every be ready. So what I've done for myself is set a date that I'm sticking to regarding my decision where my life is heading. Know one knows the date but me. I need to do this for myself, no matter how much I love him and enjoy him, i dont want to just live together the rest of my life. I wish the best to you.
That's EXACTLY what I did. I told knowone about my date and prayed alot. I set a date for New Year's Day. Will your BF even consider a long engagement? I talked to my BF (in a very neutral, conversational tone because I don't like alot of arguing and confrontation) last night and told him I was moving out by next weekend....he said "o.k., looks like I will have to buy a washer dryer, mattress"....things that he knows are mine and I would take. That hurt, but I imagine anything he said would hurt right now, but he is so doggone flippant, he is acting like it's no big deal to him. People tell me that maybe time apart and some dating (him) will be what he needs to re-evalute the relationship. I feel that I would be setting my self up for an extreme bout of disappointment and jealousy by "just dating" and want to cut all ties, no contact, and pray I don't run into him and another woman in 2 months somewhere in this small city. On the other hand, some say that keeping a slight line of communication open is vital to him realizing what he is missing. I feel so manipulative by doing that...oh well.
I think moving out into an apartment is a stellar idea. And you don't sound "confused" to me, just frustrated and disappointed.
If being married is crucial to you, (and this is totally your choice, it's your life) then moving out would accomplish one of two positive things:
1. It might make him realize he feels committed to you, and loves you enough to marry you
OR
2. It frees you up to find a different man who has the same goals you do.
Best wishes.
If being married is crucial to you, (and this is totally your choice, it's your life) then moving out would accomplish one of two positive things:
1. It might make him realize he feels committed to you, and loves you enough to marry you
OR
2. It frees you up to find a different man who has the same goals you do.
Best wishes.
If you want marriage and he does not, there is no hope for this relationship. Move on, find someone who wants the same things as you.
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