Avatar universal

He won't talk about the future

Hope someone can help me here. Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years now, all of which has been long-distance. This is something I'm really proud of because God knows how difficult it has been. Nonetheless, we're great together, and have been since the day we met. I knew this was it for me very early into the relationship, and my feelings for him have just gotten stronger and stronger. He's amazing, everything and more I've ever wanted. The only problem we have is that I want more. I'll be done school in another year, and I really want to settle down and have kids. When I brought this up with him he said he needed at least 3-4 years before he could commit. WHAT?? So I told him I was willing to give him that time but that I thought he should meet me half way and commit sometime soon so that I know this is it, and that I'm not waiting and putting my life on hold for something that might not be it. Fair, no?

I'm so frustrated now, I've tried so hard to be understanding but it's now really starting to take its toll on me and I'm afraid I will start resenting him soon. He won't even make plans or talk about the future. His excuse is that "plans always go wrong." And that what if something happens and he's not able to keep his promise. Like what???? He constantly tells me I'm the perfect girl for him and that if he was ready he'd marry me today (and I do believe him). I respect him for wanting to establish himself professionaly and financially beforehand, I really do, but I don't think it's fair that I have to go by his timeline and his rules completely.  

This relationship is very difficult as it is minus the commitment issue (because it's long-distance). I want to know that the effort is for something. Am I asking for too much?
9 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124

Normal men want close distance relationships so they can have sex and companionship all the time.

This guy doesn't want that.

484465 tn?1532214032
i have a friend that went through this last year.  the "if i was gonna marry a woman right now, it would be you"  eventually she got tired of waiting for him (2 years) and waiting for him to quit sleeping w/ all the other women so they broke up.  sorry to break it to ya, but when they say "im just not ready"  it almost always means "i'm not that into you" or "i'm not about what you're about"
i admire his honesty though.  too many men would string women along for the ride.  he's laid it out for you, saying "stick around and wait and see.  maybe"  you can choose to do just that or you can decide to move along and find a man that goes ga-ga over you
646779 tn?1281996041
Treaszzure hit the nail on the head. It's a difficult thing to accept but it's probably true. He is negative about committment, he is negative about you, so why waste anymore time with him....
Avatar universal
i was in a long distance relationship. for 3 years. throughout us dating, our engagement (which he proposed after a year) the begining of our marriage and the course of my pregnancy (he was a marine who was stationed in japan for 3 years (a year before we were dating) and then washington, d.c for a year 1/2. when he was in d.c he made every effort to come home to see me.

now...if he would've kept telling me...wait and see, maybe....we wouldn't be married with 2 beautiful children. i gave the guys i was dating 2 years (only 2 guys made it that long my husband and the guy i dated right before him) to put a ring on my finger. if by 2 years there was no ring, no talk of the future.....i was saying bye bye (the previous relationship ended for other reasons). long distance relationships are hard. really hard. with my dh having been in the marines and when he was in iraq there would be weeks we'd go without speaking. for a long distance relationship to work it takes dedication and whole hell of a lot of love. perhaps this guy isn't like that. perhaps like previously stated he's more up for a close distance relationship. just sit down and think and think about what's best for you. do you want to keep waiting for him to decide what he wants? or are you ready for that  next big step in your life. if you're ready for that big step....maybe it's not with your bf.
145992 tn?1341345074
I was with someone for 2 1/2 years who kept telling me, if he was going to get married it would be with me but he just wasn't ready.  I wound up leaving him because I was tired of waiting for him to commit.  First I would wait until you are in the same state and it isn't long distance and see how it goes.  You've been with him 2 years but long distance, once you change that, it also changes the dynamics to that relationship.  Now you will be with each other more, you get to see what it's like not going a week seeing one another and not seeing each other again for a month or so.  You may not even get along as well.  I would wait until then and then make a determination about your future.
208686 tn?1293030503
I really hate to sound so blunt here, but yes you have to go on his rules and timeline, if you want to continue a relationship with him. Maybe he is just really content with the way things are right now. Maybe he is afraid that if you leave school then he would feel responsible for that. If he left where he lives maybe he won't get the career he wants. It is a lot to really think about.

And just like mami said... wait until you are in the same state, start seeing eachother more often, spend more nights together, see how that goes. You just may not like how he is ALL the time.

You like the way he is now, that you two are great together, etc.... and Maybe he likes it the same way.... JUST how things are NOW... does this make sense. Maybe the long distance, not seeing you all the time (so he can appreciate you more when he does) and not really having that other stuff to really contend with.... maybe that is what he likes so much. Maybe it just isn't the time yet to settle down for him.

And maybe..... just maybe you could turn the cards around... kind of like a test of the "silently committed". Don't bring things up to him about it. When he says something like you are the perfect girl for him, just roll your eyes but try not to have any other kind of reaction. Try spending less time with him, see if he misses you. Because in all reality, he could either be telling you what you want to hear to keep you..... or something else could be going on. You could just talk to him and tell him that it hurts that he isn't ready to commit to you but yet says things like you are the perfect girl for him. Then ask him WHAT is stopping him from really making that commitment, and don't take "plans always go wrong" for an answer. Ask him what he means by that statement. Maybe he has tried committing to some other woman in the past and she scorned him. Maybe that is keeping him so at bay. Get to the bottom line!

I wish you luck!
Avatar universal
Thank-you everyone for the comments, I really appreciate it! You all have some really good points. I know I have a lot to think about. I've sort of decided to wait until the end of this semester (when he will be done school, and I will be done for the term) just so that we can put all of our focus on this.

I think I'm to blame for a lot because I have always tried to be the "perfect, understanding girlfriend." As a result, everything's the way he wants it. I mean c'mon, who would complain or want to change things if they were getting everything they wanted, right? ugghhhh just the pleaser in me. lol.
Avatar universal
Im wondering what happened in the end and if are still with this guy.This was 5 years ago.
Avatar universal
This is nothing to do with you being nice, he probably only stuck around for so long because you were so laid back and nice, if everything was always the way he wants it, he should have wanted to keep you round forever and marry you, the fact it's perfect and he didn't should have been a red flag.

Not being laid back and trying to make him do something that he's not comfortable with would have pushed him away quicker, as if he'd wanted to do it, you wouldn't have to ask.
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