marriage problems

[kitty304]

Well my husband and I have been together for 16 years almost 17 years next month. We have been married for almost 5 years now but our first 3 years my husband cheated. We had a one night stand together and I hot pregnant so within those nine months we were not living together but we were seeing each other on and off. When I went into labor I had our son and when I got released he asked me to move in with him so I took it as if he wanted to have a relationship with us so I moved in. I did not know he was with different girls when I was pregnant well right before my son turned 1 I found out he might have another girl pregnant so drama happened and I left him so then a couple months later he begs me to move back with him so we did. I did ask if he was the father to the other baby he told me no that it was all straighten out that it was another man. So then me and my husband had two more kids and and kept on our relationship for about 10 years till we decided to get married so know we have been together 16 years and  11 months but married 6 years and 11 months so anyways about 9 months  the same girl that had said that my husband could be the father to her baby contacted me through Facebook and asked if my husband and I could call her cause she need to talk to us about something that happened 15 year's ago so I let my husband know that I was pretty sure it was about that baby well he assured me that he was not the father and he has nothing to do with them so I contacted her and told her. Well a several months later we get paper work from the attorney general saying my husband has an appointment to do a DNA test. So we go and it turn out that he is the father my heart was broken!  Well my question here is am I wrong not to accept this or am I a bad person?? I don't know how to accept huge change in our lives! Our children are now 16, 14, and 13 the other child is 15 so it is extremely hard for me. I love my husband very much and I don't want this to ruin our marriage but deep down I know he wants to get to know her and I know deep down I don't! Is this wrong??

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I think you've buried under the carpet who your husband really is.  You know the truth deep down but selectively focus on other things.  This 15 year old child is a reminder, a glaring reminder of who your husband really is . . .  a cheater.  It's certainly in no way the child's fault.  That child has suffered not having a father all these years.  And the woman he was with also may not have known about you.  Or was in the same position you were when you had bad judgment being with your husband all those years ago.

I totally understand wanting this to just go away so you can continue the life you have that ignores what your husband has done.  But that isn't reality.  He has a child out there that deserves something from him.  And you knew---  KNEW this was the man you married.  A habitual cheater.  And therefore, it would be so unfair to make this about you.  It's really about this girl who needs him to step up.  Focus on that and maybe it will make things easier.

Yes, your kids will know that there dad is who he is.  Others may know.  There is no hiding it.  But that's on him.  He made his bed so to speak.  THIS exposure is the consequence.  And it seems to bother you more than him.  Why is that?  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I'm sorry that You find YourSelf in this situation but since the Child is His He must step up to the plate - He's obligated.

You have a choice to make - accept it or leave it - 'cuz You can't have it both ways.  This is strictly an either/or situation but none of this is the Child's fault.  

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, what exactly do you mean by "i know he wants to know her" as this seems to be your issue. What do you mean "know" her?