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Help - Marriage in trouble

I have been married to my husband for 7 years now. We met and married 7 months later. I was 30 and he was 34. Seemed like the right thing to do but I was never in love with him. I understand that the question is "why" but there is more to it with pressure from parents etc and he was a safe bet. Good job, nice, decent etc etc. We have 2 small children (6 years and 3 years). We really started arguing whilst i was pregnant with my first and it kind of continued. He got lazy, un interested, couldn't remember to do things and it continued. I was working on and off and i found that with years he became stressed with kids, spent lots of time on his iPad etc. He is a nice father but he never thinks to do things with the kids on his own. We live as expats in he middle east.

I have been loyal and never thought of anyone. I have been constantly venting my feelings and he just listens and that's about it. nothing much changes and when he does it feels forced and temporary.

Sex is boring and we rarely have it. Very robotic. We don't go out together as I have to plan things. Recently i went back to work full time and i feel alive for the first time. I also started emailing with an old friend (single) who lived in the UK and we have become so close that we fell in love. I don't have a clue what to do. In the situation I am in, i can't give this up. My parents have had a toxic marriage of 40 years because they stayed with the kids. I am constantly getting GERD because of my unhappiness and stress and I can't help thinking I have found the man I want to be with forever. That man feels the same. I keep telling my husband how i feel and my unhappiness but I feel everything is being taken for granted. I am going to visit the other person in a few months as friends to really see what is there. he is single with 2 kids from a relationship.

I just can't waste my life like this because of the kids. I am so unhappy and nothing will change. You can't change people. I truly believe he is not happy and he is not being honest about his feelings! I do not want to regret my life when i look back at 70. For the 7 years I never ever thought of anyone or looked at anyone else. I know myself, this has to be real! We connect on so many levels. We have not had any physical contact.

I need some kind of advice.
6 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124
If you need advice,  my advice is quit thinking about yourself and for the first time ever in your life think about your little kids.  

Think about them,  over yourself and your preferences.    Although you have a favored sexual partner that doesn't include your little kids,  put yourself aside and think about them.  

By doing this,  you could turn your whole generational history around,  and focus on the children and not the selfish adults.  

11740171 tn?1447943742
I think you should consider some marriage counseling. It seems the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but usually you find out it's not. Try to put your all into the marriage you have before starting something new with someone else.

If you do decide to leave your marriage, leave it first before bringing another person into your life. Right now you are having an emotional affair, which is the wrong thing to do. It's right on par with having a physical affair.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi.  Sorry for your unhappiness.  Do you think that perhaps he became uninterested when he realized you weren't in love with him?  That you married him because it was time to get married and he was there as a 'safe bet'?  You have to question how your own attitude even going into this played a role in the demise of your marriage.  It's not his fault if you married him 'just because'.  

So, what to do now?  This is difficult.  First, you don't love the other man.  It's impossible to really know what it would be like when it is a secret affair, hidden from the world, all wrapped up in excitement and now an ounce of real life.  There is also the issue of his knowing that you will cheat (emotionally or otherwise) if unhappy.  You're doing it now.  Although he is the willing recipient, a seed is planted that you are not fully trustworthy.  He'll never get over it.  This is why relationships that start like this fail 98% of the time.

My advice is to recommit to trying to make this work.  Counseling and a genuine desire in your heart to keep your family together.  If it doesn't work, then divorce.  But live on your own and don't burden another man with being your transitional person.  

I wish you the best of luck.  You do deserve to be happy.  AS does your husband.  But the path you are on now is doubtful it will lead to happiness.  good luck
13167 tn?1327194124
I'm sorry I was so harsh - in rereading,  I hadn't meant to come off that strongly.

When you're 70,  you will regret that you left your children.  It's unlikely this new guy,  who is interfering with your marriage and has two children of his own to think about,  will work out after a few months.  

This will cause irreparable harm to your kids - they don't get over mom leaving for another man.  Somehow,  kids can usually get over dad doing this,  but it's a life-long pain if a mother leaves her children for another guy.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I didn't get from your post that you were planning on leaving your children, however, it almost seems like it would be the right thing to do  You married the father of these kids and made a commitment for life so that you could raise this family together. It is you that have changed. so it should be you that loses the children, if anyone is going to lose the children. IMO.
And yet, what an awful thing, for a mother (or father) to simply pack up and leave their kids for greener pastures.

I don't think it would be right, under the circumstances for you to take these kids away from their father, at the very least until they are grown and off on their own in the world.

I think you need to honor your commitment to raise these kids with their biological father, since you're asking.  People can learn to love their partner, maybe it would be worth a shot with a marriage counselor. Maybe if you keep an open mind, you could spice up your sex life.?
134578 tn?1602101550
I often agree with these respected posters, but in this case I agree only on one count, and that is, absolutely don't be so foolish as to use another man as an excuse to leave a marriage.  Face it, he's someone on the Internet on whom you project your fantasies and wishful thinking.  He is just a crutch or a placeholder -- you cannot be sure you love him when what you are looking for is rescue.  

Until you are long out of your unhappy marriage, and back in grounded reality and knowing what makes you happy and what does not, you won't know if this other guy (or any guy) is even meaningful to you, or if he is just a temporary patch to give you the nerve to leave your unhappy relationship.  As Merle Davis wrote in "Some Men Are More Perfect Than Others," when the bad marriage goes, so also disappears the need for the other man.  If you leave "for him," you will later just feel like a fool if you wake up to the fact that he was not the answer either.

Regarding your marriage, here is where I part company with the other posters.  I absolutely don't think you should leave the kids (if that was part of your plan should everything go well with the guy warming up in the Internet bullpen), but I do think any man deserves better than a wife who does not love him and never did.  If the kids go with you, I would not be one to tell you that you should stay with their dad for their sakes.  I think it was wrong of you to marry him knowing you didn't love him, and the question then becomes, how do you fix this mess you made?  It does not sound to me like you are able to develop genuine love for this guy.  Staying in the marriage pretty much guarantees your husband will never find a quality woman who actually does love him, which seems pretty unfair to take away from him given that you got him into this loveless spot.  Some women would be able to stay and make it work and develop the love and all, but it sounds like you can't pull that off.  It sounds like he's a good man but not attuned to the kids, and small kids need their mom, so if you go, take them too.  If you can't take them, stay.  At least until they are 18.

But the main point is, if you do go, go to a life of your own, not a life where you use one man to plaster the cracks in your world left by your dissatisfaction with a relationship with someone else.  Neither man is fairly served by this.  You should get your grounding by yourself and figure out who you are, before seeing someone new.  Men are not there to rescue you, you are there to rescue you.  And to clean up your messes, and especially, to take care of your kids.  You sound so ungrounded, thinking you "had" to be married just because, and now thinking you have to have a new man to move to, in order to leave the old one.  Please try some time without a relationship, before you get involved again.  

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