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Help!! I don't know what to do Stay? Leave?
I am so frustrated and lonely and I am looking for advice. My husband thinks that I am nuts and being stupid, who knows maybe I am. Anyhow, after being in a physical, emotional and mental abusive marriage for almost 30 years, I finally found the courage to walk away. Of course all of those years of abuse left some pretty deep scars. I was single for a few years and looking for Mr. right. One night I was so lonely, I poured my heart out to a pastor who is a friend of mine and I prayed so hard for God to send me a man that I could love and care for. Within two weeks I met Mr. Right. He had been married for 22 years and was divorced with 5 grown children. We began dating and soon fell in love. We were always going somewhere or doing something. After 7 months, I moved in with him. I am way more into touching than he is but he toleraed it. I was 47 and he was 53. For the first time in my adult life I felt safe and happy. Being old fashioned, I was just not comfortable living together without being married. In my opinion he has a very unusual relationship with his ex and the kids. He talked to her on the phone often and at holidays and birthdays, his daughter always had both her mom and her dad there for dinner at the same time. That was very uncomfortable for me but I tried to understand. One day I was looking for a file on his computer and came across a folder of pictures. When I opened it up there were hundreds of pictures of naked women that he had downloaded from the internet. Several times I had caught him looking at porn on the satellite and the internet. I told him how uncomfortable that this made me feel. Our sex life had changed dramtically by then. He suffers from ED and "don't want to start something that he can't finish". So basically our sex life consisted of giving him oral and he not even touching me. I loved him so much that I did that for a while. Still he continued to look at the porn, and the Craiglist personals. I talked to him about this and it always ended up in a big arguement. I just can't understand why he wants to look at that when he had a real live woman right there with him. We got married 1 1/2 years ago and things have really went down hill since. He went to the dr and got some Cialis but dosen't even take it. I cannot remember the last time he touched me. One night back in July, I tried everything that I could think of to get him interested and to come into the bedroom with me. Sexy nitie, candles, soft music etc... I finally gave up and went to work for a few hours. When I came home from work, he was in bed. When I went in the bedroom, there he was sleeping with SPICE TV on the TV. I was furious. He told me I am just stupid. It doesn't do anything for him. Well then why does he watch it. In January, I sat down and had a long talk with him about how lonely I am and how much that I need his love, and feel his touch. I suggested marriage counseling but he says we don't need counseling. The only touch I get from him is a quick peck on the lips when he is leaving for work. If my lips are wet, then he yells about how much he hates that and makes a big deal about wiping his lips. He says that I am too old to be thinking about romance and sex. Basically all I am to him is his cook, maid and housekeeper. We are more like roommates than husband and wife. God sent him to me to take care of, and if I don't he wont have anyone that will. But what about me? I am so tired of feeling sad and lonely but still feel obiligated at the same time. Last night I again caught him watching Girls Gone Wild. Help!!! What do I do?
The low self esteem is common with relationships like yours. That is why I suggested you go out and pamper yourself and do something for YOU for a change. Build that self esteem back up! Be proud of who you are!
Just adding a little note to the myth that as you get older sex is nonexistant. Sorry to bust that bubble, people are having sex into their 90's. The only reason you do not hear so much about it is, that little saying. If your gettin it you need not brag about it. it is the ones that are not usually satisfied in that area that boast the loudest. So they say.
Thank you all so much for your comments and advise. I sorta already knew that but again like many of you pointed out, my lack of self esteem is making me second guess myself. I try really hard to make myself attractive at all times and he doesn't even notice. The only comment I ever get is maybe once in a great while he will say, "You look nice" something that someone would say to their mother or sister maybe if you know what I mean. I just had to hear someone else say it for me to be able to move on. I welcome any other comments or suggestions as well. I have been talking with a counselor and a couple of months ago, starting changing myself. I colored my hair a nice vibrant red which I love. I get many compliments on it but he prefers it to be blonde well guess what, I am keeping it red!! Thank you all again and may God bless each and every one of you.
I'm in that age range and my sex life is better now than when I was in my 20's and more than less (LoL!) Judy
I'm sorry I just have to comment on the last post first and then I'll go on to the original post. Since when is 47 and 53 too old for sex? I don't know about anyone else but I hope to be having sex with my husband until the day I die :) Besides sex is very healthy for you and an important part to any relationship, regardless of age! Plus it's FUN!! ;)
Okay and now on to you strawblondefox:
I agree with what everyone else said. I think you need to make it clear to your husband how you are feeling and that the porn issue is a big deal breaker for you. if you do want to stay in the relationship with him I would suggest telling him that he either goes to counseling with you or you're done. If he is not willing to work on the relationship, then there will NEVER be any change in it regardless of how hard you work on it. I also agree with AJH and Judy about getting yourself some counseling to help with the self esteem. If a man is still treating you badly after you've already had several talks with him then, IMO, he does not love you and he is just using you because you happen to be right there willing to let him do it.(sorry)
Okay and now on to you strawblondefox:
I agree with what everyone else said. I think you need to make it clear to your husband how you are feeling and that the porn issue is a big deal breaker for you. if you do want to stay in the relationship with him I would suggest telling him that he either goes to counseling with you or you're done. If he is not willing to work on the relationship, then there will NEVER be any change in it regardless of how hard you work on it. I also agree with AJH and Judy about getting yourself some counseling to help with the self esteem. If a man is still treating you badly after you've already had several talks with him then, IMO, he does not love you and he is just using you because you happen to be right there willing to let him do it.(sorry)
The best thing for you and him is to break up and get a divorce. I know you may love him, but he is just using you as a maid. However, you guys are a tiny bit too old for sex. Romance yes, sex not as much as when you were younger. You two can still have sex every once and a while, but not a whole lot. I'm sorry to say this, but he is not your Mr. Right. If he was truly, he wouldn't do this kind of stuff to you. He would care about having sex and a relationship with you, not with his porn. So, basically, the best thing would be for you two to split. I'm pretty sure that it's not gonna get any better, only worse. Good luck!
I tend to agree with everyone else. We need to remember one thing tho. When we are getting to know and getting involved with someone, we need to know about who that person is. If this guy was married for 22 years, then divorced, there is a reason and I would bet, the same things you are dealing with right now. First it sounds like he is addicted to porn. Whether he gets off on it or not is besides the point as he seems to prefer this over anything else. Secondly, I personally think affection is more important than the actual sex act and if I had to do without one or the other, be it the sex. It sounds like he is not an affectionate person and does not like being touched himself. Thirdly, you come from a broken marriage in the sense of being emotionally abused etc, so you come with baggage also. You cannot expect him to fix everything that is wrong in your life, that is your job. Marriage is a pair, facing life together. One does not drag the other behind them, nor does one put the other on a pedestal. You walk side by side thru life, holding hands, knowing each others thoughts enough that you need not even talk, etc. If you do not have an equal balance in your relationship then you simply are not compatible. I have seen so many people jump into relationships because they needed a man or were lonely and did not do their homework first. The first thing you should have looked at is why he is divorced. His take and possibly hers too. Then you know a little bit more of what to expect. Anyways, life is too short and if you lose this one, take time out and figure out what you want outta life and dont except anything less.
First thing to do is STOP being his maid!! I bet that will get his attention! Stand up for yourself and don't let him make you feel like you aren't sexy, or lovable. This man is doing absolutely nothing for you. It's time you take control and do something about it. Leave his a$$ at home and go do things with your girlfriends. Go get pampered, go see a movie, go have dinner/drinks, and DON'T leave food for him in the microwave!
I've had to teach this very lesson to my husband before :)
I've had to teach this very lesson to my husband before :)
I have to agree with AJH84. I also, don't think God has sent him to you and I consider myself a Christian also. God does give man choices and he is proving that to you...it has nothing to do with God. He's pretty much on his own on this one without God. I don't appreciate that he calls you stupid first of all and my concern is that you are agreeing with him. I consider that type of comment verbal abuse and my interpretations of his lack of interest in lovemaking is either he has a health issue (ED), is not interested in making love, too comfortable, possibly cheating, addicted to porn and masterbating, but something is definately wrong.
He was previously married for 22 yrs. That's a long time and might just be too comfortable with just being married, working, dinner, sleep.
As AJH stated, address the issue recommending counseling and make a decision to regain your self-esteem. If he doesn't agree to counseling, I also recommend a seperation to give him time to reflect and if that doesn't work consider if divorce might be the best option for both of you......Good luck and keep us with your decision...God bless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Judy
He was previously married for 22 yrs. That's a long time and might just be too comfortable with just being married, working, dinner, sleep.
As AJH stated, address the issue recommending counseling and make a decision to regain your self-esteem. If he doesn't agree to counseling, I also recommend a seperation to give him time to reflect and if that doesn't work consider if divorce might be the best option for both of you......Good luck and keep us with your decision...God bless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Judy
Okay, first of all, I have to object to you saying "God sent him to me to take care of, and if I don't he wont have anyone that will."
GET OUT OF THIS MINDSET first and foremost, okay? This is the kind of mindset that keeps YOU unhappy and in unhealthy relationships for 30 or so years. He is a grown man--middle aged--he's more than capable of taking care of himself. He's not a child or even an immature teenager anymore (although he might act like it sometimes).
He may have been "Mr. Right" at the beginning, and that's a given, because in the first 1-2 years, both partners are in the "honeymoon phase," putting on their best and trying to impress each other. Everything is new and exciting.
If you want to look at it from a "God perspective" (and I'm a deeply faithful Christian, so I'm not trying to knock what you believe), then look at it this way instead: you just walked away from a 30 year marriage that hurt and scarred you badly. Of course you're going to want to latch on to one of the first opportunities of a man giving you what you've wanted for so long, but that doesn't make him Mr. Right. You can look at it this way, too; that perhaps it was God showing you what it's like to receive that treatment to PREPARE you for someone even better.
I know where you're coming from because I've been in your shoes. I was in an emotionally/verbally abusive and controlling relationship for 8 years. I wasn't married, but it was definitely along the lines of a "common law" marriage. I know 8 years isn't 30 years, but that doesn't mean I don't know your pain and suffering.
When I attempted to get out of that relationship the first time (which failed; I went back to him unfortunately), I tried dating a guy I knew in college. He definitely wasn't my type, and I wasn't attracted to him, but he was SO NICE to me. He treated me like a princess. He was the man who showed me what it was like, for the first time, to know that good men who treat women with honor and respect and tender care are really out there. I dated him for about 2½ months before I realized I didn't want to lead him on because I knew he just wasn't the guy for me. But I was still grateful for what he did for me. Do I believe God put him in my life? Yes, absolutely. But to spend the rest of my life with and take care of? Not at all.
I went back to my ex after breaking up with him (yeah, I know--what was I thinking?), and stayed with my ex for another 2 years. I finally got fed up with him and found the strength to get rid of that relationship once and for all. I've been free from him for 2 years now. After I broke up with him, I kept in mind for my future relationships that I wanted and expected even MORE from a man that what I got from the good guy in the past. I also prayed for God to send me Mr. Right, but to make sure it was in His time, and that He would give me the wisdom to know it, and also to help me keep my strength not to compromise my expectations, to feel like I had to be forced into giving in for whatever reason to any man again. I'm pretty sure I've got my Mr. Right now! :-D
Anyway, what I'm saying is, your husband doesn't sound like he respects you or cares too much about you. Maybe he used to at first, but clearly, things have changed. If you've tried everything on your own to get him to understand where you're coming from and he doesn't even acknowledge your efforts and try to communicate with you, show you the respect you deserve and need, or care to make an effort to please you or help you when you're feeling down and lonely, then that is a real problem.
At this point, I think you should try counseling on your own and make a decision after you gain some better self-esteem. Maybe you could try a trial separation for awhile. I think you definitely need to seek a counselor for yourself, though, just to help you gain some self-confidence about your own decisions and situation.
I wish and hope for the best for you. :-)
GET OUT OF THIS MINDSET first and foremost, okay? This is the kind of mindset that keeps YOU unhappy and in unhealthy relationships for 30 or so years. He is a grown man--middle aged--he's more than capable of taking care of himself. He's not a child or even an immature teenager anymore (although he might act like it sometimes).
He may have been "Mr. Right" at the beginning, and that's a given, because in the first 1-2 years, both partners are in the "honeymoon phase," putting on their best and trying to impress each other. Everything is new and exciting.
If you want to look at it from a "God perspective" (and I'm a deeply faithful Christian, so I'm not trying to knock what you believe), then look at it this way instead: you just walked away from a 30 year marriage that hurt and scarred you badly. Of course you're going to want to latch on to one of the first opportunities of a man giving you what you've wanted for so long, but that doesn't make him Mr. Right. You can look at it this way, too; that perhaps it was God showing you what it's like to receive that treatment to PREPARE you for someone even better.
I know where you're coming from because I've been in your shoes. I was in an emotionally/verbally abusive and controlling relationship for 8 years. I wasn't married, but it was definitely along the lines of a "common law" marriage. I know 8 years isn't 30 years, but that doesn't mean I don't know your pain and suffering.
When I attempted to get out of that relationship the first time (which failed; I went back to him unfortunately), I tried dating a guy I knew in college. He definitely wasn't my type, and I wasn't attracted to him, but he was SO NICE to me. He treated me like a princess. He was the man who showed me what it was like, for the first time, to know that good men who treat women with honor and respect and tender care are really out there. I dated him for about 2½ months before I realized I didn't want to lead him on because I knew he just wasn't the guy for me. But I was still grateful for what he did for me. Do I believe God put him in my life? Yes, absolutely. But to spend the rest of my life with and take care of? Not at all.
I went back to my ex after breaking up with him (yeah, I know--what was I thinking?), and stayed with my ex for another 2 years. I finally got fed up with him and found the strength to get rid of that relationship once and for all. I've been free from him for 2 years now. After I broke up with him, I kept in mind for my future relationships that I wanted and expected even MORE from a man that what I got from the good guy in the past. I also prayed for God to send me Mr. Right, but to make sure it was in His time, and that He would give me the wisdom to know it, and also to help me keep my strength not to compromise my expectations, to feel like I had to be forced into giving in for whatever reason to any man again. I'm pretty sure I've got my Mr. Right now! :-D
Anyway, what I'm saying is, your husband doesn't sound like he respects you or cares too much about you. Maybe he used to at first, but clearly, things have changed. If you've tried everything on your own to get him to understand where you're coming from and he doesn't even acknowledge your efforts and try to communicate with you, show you the respect you deserve and need, or care to make an effort to please you or help you when you're feeling down and lonely, then that is a real problem.
At this point, I think you should try counseling on your own and make a decision after you gain some better self-esteem. Maybe you could try a trial separation for awhile. I think you definitely need to seek a counselor for yourself, though, just to help you gain some self-confidence about your own decisions and situation.
I wish and hope for the best for you. :-)
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