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Help, I'm really confused...
Basically I really dont know where I stand, where the relationships going, if its going to work or if Im just getting attached because its so new to me? And I really cant tell whether he says and talks to me about the stuff he does so I grow closer and trust him or because he's serious about me? We're about to be apart for a few months due to summer and I worried things are going to be over and we wont be together when we return for our final year. So I will tell you our relationship since its quite recent and finish with how we currently stand.
To understand me I need to give a little background. So I'm at university in my second year and for my first year I didnt really go out and just stayed focused on my one hobby (my horse). I have trust and 'commitment' (not sure if this right way to describe it?) issues due to family, basically my uncle cheated and broke my auntie; my grandads attitude changed once he had a small stroke and my nan now says she hates the person hes become; and my dad died when i was young and i know my mum still struggles with missing him now (12years later). So I pretty much scared of the idea of losing someone for various reasons. Also, I know a lot of people go through being bullied and have confidence issues etc., but because of people throughout school I generally dont like how I look and am very self conscious of the way people view me both looks and the things I say (bullying consisted of my intelligence and looks).
So anyway, this year I became more out going, started enjoying uni more and have just generally seemed to grow as a person. I wouldnt say i was more confident until later in the year around the time we became 'fb official', as people put it, but i was definitely improving. I have lived with a couple friends from last year as well as a couple new people non of us knew, my bf is one of those people.
When we all moved in to the house at the beginning of the year he had a long time girlfriend who was also living in the area (dating for 5 years off and on) and although we all got along we didn't really talk. Talking to all of us increased around Christmas and then straight after Christmas he suddenly started joining in with us a lot more, we have a couple lectures the same and he started tagging along and sitting in them with me, inviting me to watch films and listen to music with him on an evening since we have similar (and also not so similar, we liked to introduce each other to new music and films) tastes and are the resident insomniacs. Why be awake alone when you can not sleep together was pretty much us.
During this time I was dieting and starting to go out even more and be a bit more adventurous. Three of us were in the kitchen finishing an assignment due the next day and when we did decided to go out, he joined us and we ended up in the same bed. I stopped anything from going very far as I was a virgin and didnt want to mess about with my feelings by making a drunk mistake.
We kept our normal nightly routine apart from instead of me going to my bed eventually to sleep once we were both at a point of exhaustion it was possible, he started wanting to cuddle and our eventual falling asleep became a pairs thing. During all this he'd started dating someone and was asking me for advice on her around the cuddling. My friends all said that he was messing me around, that he shouldn't be cuddling and getting closer to me and then asking me for advice on another girl. My friends birthday night I got very drunk and was flirting and dancing with some guy while we were out, he got really annoyed and the next day when we were talking was when he said "I dont want you to see other people, and I wont see other people".
We spent more time together, nights out together etc. I got to meet his friends and he told me more about him. He asked things about what I want later in life (very direct questions), and learned all my issues with marriage and trusting and how i worry about having children so it makes me question whether i want them. Basically he got to deep topics very fast. All that time I had my horse close by and so had my normal routine, when Easter came and I went home (he stayed over the break) we text non stop, I went back for a visit since one of my friends was having a hard time and while there he told me I love you. When I came back after the break my horse stayed at home so my routine got rather lacking in activity. And I made the decision that he meant enough to me and I felt secure enough to now have sex with him, the next day he put our relationship on fb. Our relationship then went a hundred miles an hour and we were together a lot, especially with me not having my main time consuming hobby about anymore.
A couple weeks later he decide he wanted me to go home with him for a few days, so we met his family and spent a day out. A few days later I had myself at the point at which I felt i was falling in love with him, I told him this as every time he told me I love you before that I said its to soon for me. We had a high stress couple of weeks due to exams and towards the end started having small arguments, the amount of sex we were having decreased to basically non existent from being all the time and he started saying he wanted to sleep alone.
Exams are done now and I'm only here another 2 nights before I go home for the summer, I was hoping this time since our friends have gone home would be our opportunity to spend some last minute quality time before we don't see each other for awhile. Instead, he still doesn't want to sleep together, when I tried to initiate sex he said no and we haven't really spent time together so much as both of us in our own rooms on our own. He talks of us doing things in the next uni year together and I'm back before him due to work, and he needs to come back for a study tour so has asked if he can live with me until he can move into his accommodation when he comes back for that. He also keeps telling me he doesn't get into a relationship with the view of it may be over in a few months but as a long term commitment, that to him he looks at where will be in a few years, he doesn't anticipate things to going wrong.
So now, we had mentioned seeing each other at some point in the summer to break up the gap apart but he still hasn't confirmed hes happy about this when I've tried to ask. And the other night we were talking and he was doing his deep conversation thing, he keeps saying how amazing I am and how he thinks "I'd be a brilliant catch, because its not often you get a woman who likes to save money", and how "he would trust me to be the mother of his children", so very forward. But then at the end of the night he says he really likes me but he thinks there is probably someone more suitable out there for me, that hes worried and knows we arnt compatible and slept on his own, telling me to come join him in his room when i wake up. I wake up to a text saying just "i love you", and decide to go to his room like he said, hes locked the door, which he didnt used to do but has started doing the last week whenever hes in his room.
Im really stressing as I have started to love him and being around him, but the way things have gone the last week I feel like hes prep-ing to end things? I dont know and I dont know what to think. Im new to this and confused and dont know if Im reading to much into things or whether we've just spent a little to much time together to soon and so the summer will be good for us or what. I just generally need some clarification on whats happening, and would love to approach him and ask but dont know how to.
To understand me I need to give a little background. So I'm at university in my second year and for my first year I didnt really go out and just stayed focused on my one hobby (my horse). I have trust and 'commitment' (not sure if this right way to describe it?) issues due to family, basically my uncle cheated and broke my auntie; my grandads attitude changed once he had a small stroke and my nan now says she hates the person hes become; and my dad died when i was young and i know my mum still struggles with missing him now (12years later). So I pretty much scared of the idea of losing someone for various reasons. Also, I know a lot of people go through being bullied and have confidence issues etc., but because of people throughout school I generally dont like how I look and am very self conscious of the way people view me both looks and the things I say (bullying consisted of my intelligence and looks).
So anyway, this year I became more out going, started enjoying uni more and have just generally seemed to grow as a person. I wouldnt say i was more confident until later in the year around the time we became 'fb official', as people put it, but i was definitely improving. I have lived with a couple friends from last year as well as a couple new people non of us knew, my bf is one of those people.
When we all moved in to the house at the beginning of the year he had a long time girlfriend who was also living in the area (dating for 5 years off and on) and although we all got along we didn't really talk. Talking to all of us increased around Christmas and then straight after Christmas he suddenly started joining in with us a lot more, we have a couple lectures the same and he started tagging along and sitting in them with me, inviting me to watch films and listen to music with him on an evening since we have similar (and also not so similar, we liked to introduce each other to new music and films) tastes and are the resident insomniacs. Why be awake alone when you can not sleep together was pretty much us.
During this time I was dieting and starting to go out even more and be a bit more adventurous. Three of us were in the kitchen finishing an assignment due the next day and when we did decided to go out, he joined us and we ended up in the same bed. I stopped anything from going very far as I was a virgin and didnt want to mess about with my feelings by making a drunk mistake.
We kept our normal nightly routine apart from instead of me going to my bed eventually to sleep once we were both at a point of exhaustion it was possible, he started wanting to cuddle and our eventual falling asleep became a pairs thing. During all this he'd started dating someone and was asking me for advice on her around the cuddling. My friends all said that he was messing me around, that he shouldn't be cuddling and getting closer to me and then asking me for advice on another girl. My friends birthday night I got very drunk and was flirting and dancing with some guy while we were out, he got really annoyed and the next day when we were talking was when he said "I dont want you to see other people, and I wont see other people".
We spent more time together, nights out together etc. I got to meet his friends and he told me more about him. He asked things about what I want later in life (very direct questions), and learned all my issues with marriage and trusting and how i worry about having children so it makes me question whether i want them. Basically he got to deep topics very fast. All that time I had my horse close by and so had my normal routine, when Easter came and I went home (he stayed over the break) we text non stop, I went back for a visit since one of my friends was having a hard time and while there he told me I love you. When I came back after the break my horse stayed at home so my routine got rather lacking in activity. And I made the decision that he meant enough to me and I felt secure enough to now have sex with him, the next day he put our relationship on fb. Our relationship then went a hundred miles an hour and we were together a lot, especially with me not having my main time consuming hobby about anymore.
A couple weeks later he decide he wanted me to go home with him for a few days, so we met his family and spent a day out. A few days later I had myself at the point at which I felt i was falling in love with him, I told him this as every time he told me I love you before that I said its to soon for me. We had a high stress couple of weeks due to exams and towards the end started having small arguments, the amount of sex we were having decreased to basically non existent from being all the time and he started saying he wanted to sleep alone.
Exams are done now and I'm only here another 2 nights before I go home for the summer, I was hoping this time since our friends have gone home would be our opportunity to spend some last minute quality time before we don't see each other for awhile. Instead, he still doesn't want to sleep together, when I tried to initiate sex he said no and we haven't really spent time together so much as both of us in our own rooms on our own. He talks of us doing things in the next uni year together and I'm back before him due to work, and he needs to come back for a study tour so has asked if he can live with me until he can move into his accommodation when he comes back for that. He also keeps telling me he doesn't get into a relationship with the view of it may be over in a few months but as a long term commitment, that to him he looks at where will be in a few years, he doesn't anticipate things to going wrong.
So now, we had mentioned seeing each other at some point in the summer to break up the gap apart but he still hasn't confirmed hes happy about this when I've tried to ask. And the other night we were talking and he was doing his deep conversation thing, he keeps saying how amazing I am and how he thinks "I'd be a brilliant catch, because its not often you get a woman who likes to save money", and how "he would trust me to be the mother of his children", so very forward. But then at the end of the night he says he really likes me but he thinks there is probably someone more suitable out there for me, that hes worried and knows we arnt compatible and slept on his own, telling me to come join him in his room when i wake up. I wake up to a text saying just "i love you", and decide to go to his room like he said, hes locked the door, which he didnt used to do but has started doing the last week whenever hes in his room.
Im really stressing as I have started to love him and being around him, but the way things have gone the last week I feel like hes prep-ing to end things? I dont know and I dont know what to think. Im new to this and confused and dont know if Im reading to much into things or whether we've just spent a little to much time together to soon and so the summer will be good for us or what. I just generally need some clarification on whats happening, and would love to approach him and ask but dont know how to.
Thank you for all your supportive comments.
We lasted until last week.
Had been conversing back and forth, him even going so far as to say if we lived closer to each other he would have gone home for the summer instead of going to stay with his friend to work.
He told me he'd spoken to his ex on the sunday to clear things up and that both her and him were doing okay, but he then went on to say he didn't want to lie and that he sometimes missed her. I know they aren’t getting back together as had been on again off again the last 5 years and the last break up was after their final few month try. We had a long conversation about them just as we were dating.
So anyway was a bit off monday and tuesday and when i asked what was up, he said he wasnt sure just that he enjoys talking to me and doing things with me but doesnt know where we are going and hes worried he got into a new relationship too soon. I replied back and said okay friends then? and he got back to me saying yes and its not my fault he isnt ready and he values my friendship.
Since then hes been talking to me more normally than he had been and he kept repeating that he wants me to know Im amazing and great and that im attractive etc... He even said we can still meet up as planned for the afternoon in august on my drive back to uni and that our plans to swim together in September still stand. Will just have to wait and see how the friendship plays out...
I feel like im holding it together okay but when we haven’t spoken I feel myself missing him a lot. I don’t know how to describe it, but don’t quite feel sad more anxious of whats going to happen between us now, as I said hes been a massive part of my life this year even before we were more than friends he meant a lot to me. I think im more worried Im going to lose him altogether than the fact that we’ve broken up. But unsure how to handle myself…
We lasted until last week.
Had been conversing back and forth, him even going so far as to say if we lived closer to each other he would have gone home for the summer instead of going to stay with his friend to work.
He told me he'd spoken to his ex on the sunday to clear things up and that both her and him were doing okay, but he then went on to say he didn't want to lie and that he sometimes missed her. I know they aren’t getting back together as had been on again off again the last 5 years and the last break up was after their final few month try. We had a long conversation about them just as we were dating.
So anyway was a bit off monday and tuesday and when i asked what was up, he said he wasnt sure just that he enjoys talking to me and doing things with me but doesnt know where we are going and hes worried he got into a new relationship too soon. I replied back and said okay friends then? and he got back to me saying yes and its not my fault he isnt ready and he values my friendship.
Since then hes been talking to me more normally than he had been and he kept repeating that he wants me to know Im amazing and great and that im attractive etc... He even said we can still meet up as planned for the afternoon in august on my drive back to uni and that our plans to swim together in September still stand. Will just have to wait and see how the friendship plays out...
I feel like im holding it together okay but when we haven’t spoken I feel myself missing him a lot. I don’t know how to describe it, but don’t quite feel sad more anxious of whats going to happen between us now, as I said hes been a massive part of my life this year even before we were more than friends he meant a lot to me. I think im more worried Im going to lose him altogether than the fact that we’ve broken up. But unsure how to handle myself…
Hi I am 15 years old and my boyfriend says hes conflicted between me and things going on I dont wanna lose him its just alot of things and im a girl I would like that connection we had in the beginning I am willing to talk u because i feel like u can help me
It sounds to me like he is backing off so that you will continue on your own, without looking back, so to speak. He seems to want you to continue on your path of socializing with no absolute ties. This is not a bad thing. This is him being honest He seems to be struggling, in that he was cuddling with you, and asking you how to cuddle with another girl. To me that would be a red flag, even if he ended up getting jealous and deciding that you should both forgo the attentions of another. I think that if he knew his own mind, and was solidly wanting you to be his, he would make that known (as he did before) prior to you moving on for the summer. I would be aware what that might mean. ie. that he wants his freedom. And again, there's nothing wrong with that. I've heard of that happening before with University students going home for the summer. How it works out will remain to be seen. If i were you, i would not say "no" to going on dates while you are away, should this come up. Knowing of course, that you will be leaving that relationship as well to go back to school,
Nothing is written in stone, as it were. Enjoy your youth, be progressive and have fun this summer. This will not always be the way of it. One day down the road, you will be in a relationship, maybe with a family in tow.
now is the time for you to meet as many people as you can, to broaden your circle of friends, and learn to be true to yourself.
Have a great summer. I'll look forward to hearing how you're faring.
.
Nothing is written in stone, as it were. Enjoy your youth, be progressive and have fun this summer. This will not always be the way of it. One day down the road, you will be in a relationship, maybe with a family in tow.
now is the time for you to meet as many people as you can, to broaden your circle of friends, and learn to be true to yourself.
Have a great summer. I'll look forward to hearing how you're faring.
.
You sound like a really nice person, scarlet. A good head on your shoulders, well-grounded, introspective, but not self-absorbed. He sounds like a nice guy as well. I think it's good that you held off on a sexual relationship until the time was really right. Now, no matter what the future brings, you will be able to look back on this as a positive, good experience, one that helped you grow.
He is being as honest with you as he can, and that's a lot more than can be said for many young men. Probably his thoughts and emotions do vary quite a bit. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you--he's made it very clear that he does. What happens over the summer happens. That isn't something you can control, so don't try. Make sure you're not clingy, as that would be a huge mistake.
Come across as busy, happy, enjoying what life brings. This is not to suggest that you play games. Actually BE busy, happy, enjoying life. You are a young woman just beginning your adult journey, which is full of promise. When next you two meet, he will see someone intriguing. Perhaps he will be more settled in what he wants, perhaps he will have moved on. Possibly you too will have gained new perspective about your future. No matter, it's all good, really.
You say that because of your life experiences you are rather gun-shy and fearful about relationships. Well, every normal person could say this too. It's really hard putting yourself out there, and being hurt is a possibility. But aren't you glad you took the chance? And aren't you glad you chose a nice, decent guy? There's no reason to think that the rest of your life won't have great experiences too, along with the tough things that every life brings. Try to keep a good perspective.
I send you good wishes for a wonderful summer.
He is being as honest with you as he can, and that's a lot more than can be said for many young men. Probably his thoughts and emotions do vary quite a bit. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you--he's made it very clear that he does. What happens over the summer happens. That isn't something you can control, so don't try. Make sure you're not clingy, as that would be a huge mistake.
Come across as busy, happy, enjoying what life brings. This is not to suggest that you play games. Actually BE busy, happy, enjoying life. You are a young woman just beginning your adult journey, which is full of promise. When next you two meet, he will see someone intriguing. Perhaps he will be more settled in what he wants, perhaps he will have moved on. Possibly you too will have gained new perspective about your future. No matter, it's all good, really.
You say that because of your life experiences you are rather gun-shy and fearful about relationships. Well, every normal person could say this too. It's really hard putting yourself out there, and being hurt is a possibility. But aren't you glad you took the chance? And aren't you glad you chose a nice, decent guy? There's no reason to think that the rest of your life won't have great experiences too, along with the tough things that every life brings. Try to keep a good perspective.
I send you good wishes for a wonderful summer.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ahhh, well, it sounds confusing, I agree. he sounds like he may be trying to figure out if this is right for him or not. He sees lots of good qualities but is unsure. That is hard and really, there is nothing you can do about this.
Hon, you are young and this sounds to be your first love. Those are always hard relationships (well, for most0 because how can we be an expert at relationships and dating if we have so little experience at it. MOST people go through first love and heart ache. Most have had boyfriends/girlfriends before they find their forever partner that they cared for. Dating IS like this.
Now, you write about when you met him. You were 'finding' yourself. Branching out. Going out with friends, exercising, having fun! THAT is what you are to do this summer. You don't have to date anyone else if you are unsure where this relationship is at. But you can't sit and dwell on it nonstop and miss out on life.
This is out of your control. Don't try to forecast the future. I loved my first love. And my second and my third. But now after being married for 15 years, they are but distant vague memories.
It's hard when you are in the moment living it and I can tell this is eating you up and that you two had a nice relationship. Perhaps the separation will help. But either way, do not lose yourself in this. Don't make this your world. Don't make HIM your world. He enhances your world but your happiness should not depend on him at this point.
Hang in there. Let us know what happens, okay? Peace and hugs
Hon, you are young and this sounds to be your first love. Those are always hard relationships (well, for most0 because how can we be an expert at relationships and dating if we have so little experience at it. MOST people go through first love and heart ache. Most have had boyfriends/girlfriends before they find their forever partner that they cared for. Dating IS like this.
Now, you write about when you met him. You were 'finding' yourself. Branching out. Going out with friends, exercising, having fun! THAT is what you are to do this summer. You don't have to date anyone else if you are unsure where this relationship is at. But you can't sit and dwell on it nonstop and miss out on life.
This is out of your control. Don't try to forecast the future. I loved my first love. And my second and my third. But now after being married for 15 years, they are but distant vague memories.
It's hard when you are in the moment living it and I can tell this is eating you up and that you two had a nice relationship. Perhaps the separation will help. But either way, do not lose yourself in this. Don't make this your world. Don't make HIM your world. He enhances your world but your happiness should not depend on him at this point.
Hang in there. Let us know what happens, okay? Peace and hugs
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