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Help! Fallin for husbands friend, in love with him

I need help. My husband moved so of course I had to go with him. A year ago, it all started with me, my husband, and his friend becoming very close. His friend would stay with us at our house. 6 months ago my husband went away for months due to his job. His friend practically lived with me and we fell for each other hard. Never planned but it definitely happen. I have never cheated in my life and I know this is wrong on so many levels. Now. I am living in another state but want to move back. And his friend is begging me to move back because he knows I'm truly happy in my home town. I love my husband but I'm not in love with him. He's a good good man. But his friend .. There are so many feelings . Thinking about being away from him is killing me . What do I do? I know I shouldn't leave my husband.. I know things might not work out with this other guys. But the feelings are so strong!also what is confusing me .. With my husband .. We have our own place , no kids, but financially stable. If I move back I will have to move in with my parents . So there will be so many changes. Help!
2 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  I'm sorry to hear about this.  My best advice?  Cut off contact with his friend.  First of all, he's a bit of a snake.  Love doesn't conquer all.  What kind of friend is he?  Does this not tell you something about his character?  What kind of man also finds himself enjoying the generous hospitality of another man and while he is gone working to continue to pay the payments for the place he is providing to live for the two of you, he goes after that person's wife?  Again, really should scream to you that this man you think you love has a true and complete lack of character.  
Relationships that start under this type of negativity fail 98% of the time.  Do you think this new man will ever trust you fully?  "LOVE" (big air quotes) does not conquer all.  And in a couple of years he may have to leave for work and please know that you will wonder about him as he has this lack of character that you know of and will do something this awful to a friend and has no problem trying to be with a married woman and begs her to leave her spouse AND he knows that you also will cheat.  You're capable of it.  You two know the truth about each other and this will fester into distrust down the road.  

If you are unhappy, leave your husband.  If your only option is to be married or live with your parents, work on yourself so you can be an independent woman.  temporarily live with your parents while getting an education or job training or something so that you can provide your own income and don't have to go man to man.

This may seem like tough advice and I'd agree.  I didn't sugar coat it.  And don't think I'm judging you.  I AM judging the man you are 'in love with'--  he's a scoundrel.  But you sound vulnerable and confused.  I just want you to have a good life.  You dont' have to stay with a man you don't love but I wouldn't be with a person who had this lack of character or think that a relationship that starts in such a way as you describe is going to last.  Do things the right way.  Separate, divorce, become independent of ALL men and then meet one that is classy, loyal, trustworthy, with a good foundation in their core (not the cheater friend who bagged his buddy's wife while he was at work).  good luck and let us know how it goes.

Oh, and I again, know how this can happen==  I just want things to go well for you as time goes on.  best of wishes
134578 tn?1602101550
From the way you wrote this, I am assuming you have not had a physical affair, just the emotional one?  Though actually sleeping with him would be worse, living in your mind in a world of invented love is problematic, because often what we invent in our minds does not bear enough resemblance to reality that it would survive putting it into action.  

It sounds like you are married to a good man who works hard, but the absences and the need to move to a new place have just put too much disconnect into the relationship for you to continue to feel loved.  For that reason, in your shoes, I would move back home and get myself a job or some training so I can take care of myself, and then see what kind of life I want.  Without your husband and without the guy who you are fantasizing about.  I agree with specialmom about the need to learn to stand on your own two feet financially and emotionally.  And hate to say it, I agree that this man showed a sad want of character, taking advantage of your loneliness in a way that really was very self-indulgent of him (at best) and wrong by all counts.
1 Comments
We have had a physical affair as well as an emotional one. He can't be the only one to blame because I was just as wrong as wanting the affair as well. My husband is a very good man, it's just that if it came down to his career or me.. He would divorce me before giving that up. We've been put in that situation before and he made it relevant that his job is more important and to get a divorce done asap in order to fulfill the process to start work. Without knowing me.. I can assure you that the feeling of resentment overfills me everyday. It would have been the other way around if I asked him to stay in my home town instead of transferring for work. But I agree , getting on my own two feet it what is best for me I believe. As for this other man.. You are all probably right that it won't work out . But the feeling are so strong it's overwhelming .
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