Help with changing family dynamics

[Chima7]

My dad died last year after a long illness which robbed him of everything that was special to him. As his family, we were devastated from the loss, my mom of course the most. But ever since the funeral, my sister has been acting like she is the one who suffered the biggest loss and like the rest of us, my mom included, were not as deeply affected as she was!

My dad and I had our fair share of arguments but I loved him very much and not a day has gone by since his death that I haven't thought about him. But my mom was with him for close to 50 years, and, well I can't even imagine how much it must hurt for her.

My brother and sister had a falling out of sorts after the funeral and he doesn't want to be around her anymore. For me, I feel like I'm also seeing her in a different light since the funeral because I never realized what a narcissist she is. We used to be the closest family ever, but since my dad died, I feel like we are fractured beyond repair and I don't know what to do. My mom finally started seeing a counselor so that's good, but this underlying sense of Where do we go from here and how do we go on without him? It's there all the time and it's making me stress out. I promised my dad I would hold things together but I'm not as wise as he was and I now I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my back. I don't know what to do. I've been talking to my counselor about it but she isn't much help in resolving the issue. She just listens and nods most of the time. I'm also about to turn 39 and alone in the world because I've been single for 6 years with no sign of a man anywhere who is even remotely interested in me so I've been going through all of this pain all alone. I can do it but I'm just tired of doing it alone.

Geez, sorry guys, I guess I had a lot on my mind so I'm sorry if my thoughts are a bit disjointed. Thanks for any help you can give me.

[specialmom]

You know, I lost my mom---- 18 years ago.  At moments it still hurts but not the raw pain I used to have.  That has been gone for a few years now.  I was almost sad when it was gone in a way because i clung to it as part of grieving my mom.  But she'd never want me to be sad.

Sweetie, do you think you could be a bit depressed too?  I ask that because of a few subtle things you say "not wanting to get out of bed some days' and the hoplessness you write of when talking about being alone forever.  

Now grief is very consuming and can cause these feelings but if a little depression is hanging around too, it makes it that much worse.  Do not be afraid to ask for help with that!!  A counselor may help you and maybe even a grief counselor.  I went to one when I lost my mom.  I only went a couple of times but it was very powerful.  Very helpful.  

True, you do always long for them at times.  But a new reality creeps in and acceptance finally happens.  I promise you----  I suffered from unimaginable grief and I've healed over the years.  It does absolutely get better.  

I'm here any time you want to chat. We also have a grief forum here at med help.  peace and blessings to you

[Chima7]

Thanks for your reply. It was helpful. I guess mostly I'm feeling overwhelmed because it's like I've had to take the lead with making decisions and it has been really hard. Although I feel like my dad imparted a lot of wonderful wisdom, he also had a lot more life experience at his age so it was like second nature to him. And I miss him so much,  some days it's impossible to get out of bed and face the day.

One of my friends who lost his dad about 6 years ago told me that it never stops hurting but the pain just gets a little easier to deal with as time goes on. And there will still be those moments when something happens and I'll want to call him to tell him but of course he won't be there. That feeling, I'm told, never really goes away.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, very sorry for your loss of your father.  That's always a terribly hard thing, the loss of a parent.  I lost my mom and suffer each day over it although time makes it better.  Well, it makes it less in the forefront ---  not necessarily better.

Regarding your sister.  it's not a competition for who loved him more.  For you or for her.  So, don't let it go there.  Ignore all of that.  Everyone grieves differently and lots of weird emotions can surface.  People aren't always on their best behavior.  I would try not to judge your sister, buy into your brother's idea of not being around her, or allow yourself to dwell on bad feelings for her.  Just don't do it.  Don't go there.  get a journal and write out any bad feelings you have along with good ones and get them out that way rather than acting on them in family situations.  Your dad wouldn't want the aftermath of his death to be his family disowning each other or fighting.  So, just don't go there and let everyone heal.

I'm also sorry you are lonely.  Maybe stop trying to date for now and just try to live.  Pick up a hobby, do new things, get out, exercise, etc.  Just do things for you.  And hopefully along the way, you'll meet someone.  In truth, this isn't the best time to meet someone when you are grieving anyway.  You aren't totally yourself.  I was a mess for a  year or two after my mother's death----  and then got in a better place to date.  I married in my mid 30's when it seemed lots around me were marrying.  You are not old.  I'm now married with 2 kids.  So, don't write yourself off as alone forever.  Just do things you like and attempt to connect.  

don't know if I helped.  But I do wish you the best.  good luck