Help with getting back to how we were

[jettsmama]

Before our son was born three years ago everything was great between my husband and I with our intimacy. Our son was then born with a heart defect and that caused severe trauma, depression, sadness and I'm sure a lot of other mental issues between the both of us ever since then. Our son is doing great now after three surgeries but my husband and I have never reconnected intimately and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice. I personally have a hard time relaxing anymore and get angry very easily so I know that's an issue. But, is there anything I possibly can do on my own to help or anything I can suggest for the both of us to try? Has anyone out there experienced something similar? We have gone to counceling also briefly but at the time, did not find it helpful. That was some time ago however. Thank you!

[jettsmama]

It's been a few days since I've posted. Nothing has gone much better overall. My son's three year birthday is tomorrow and we're having two separate ones. One with me and my family/friends tomorrow and my husbands on Sunday. I'm sure he'll be confused as to why. That's what bothers me the most, is this will be the first birthday he'll remember more than likely and it'll be this way.

My husband went from demanding I pay all the bills and refusing supporting us earlier this week to basically the same other than offering me a little today with the agreeance I give him half of my entire paycheck. I refused and told him to shove it. We had to see each other today to do our taxes. He refuses to talk other than about money and when I do try to talk, his mother is in the back ground making comments and running her mouth. He lives with her and pretty much off of her strings (as he always has). So be it. He can have his freedom and his new single life again.

I need to worry about my son and myself at this point and go foward with whatever it takes to do as such. I hope you all are doing well, and have a good Valentines Day - eat a few chocolates for me, ok? lol....take care :)

[specialmom]

Ugh.  I'm sure your emotions and thoughts are running a mile a minute.  Probably very hard to quiet that. Divorce/seperation is so very painful on several different levels.  First, you don't want to be alone, be a failure, be wrong about a person you put so much trust in, SEcond, you don't know how life will be without them, how you'll live, what you'll do, your whole routine is shaken and third, you have a son that you worry about so much and you always fear if your romantic situation will impact them negatively.  

Ya know, I always think a couple should do everything they can to stay together after they have had kids.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not.  What is essential is a desire on both parts to at least try.  I don't know where your husband is at with that.  He seems pulled in a different direction and it is only natural to wonder why.  I guess if you've asked him to give your marriage a try and he says no----------  I'd do this------------  tell him "let's just think of this as a seperation and come back together in 6 months and see where we are at".  That is probably really hard to do but sometimes people think they want out, then leave and find it not so hot and then miss their family. And then if you are willing and he is willing, maybe you can both try really hard to give it another go.  

I hate to keep you in limbo but that is how a seperation works.  What do you think of that?  

I do agree that romance isn't always the best thing.  Now you've got your child and that complicates it just that much further.  So during any seperation, I'd not date and then wait a year until after the divorce.  Therapy is always a good option to explore what has gone wrong in our past decision making/relationships as well.  

But I really do feel for you.  I hope that he smartens up and realizes the pain he is causing.  You were willing to try to work on things and came here initially for that.  Do something nice for yourself in the next couple of days---------- you deserve some TLC.  Peace

[jettsmama]

Yeah, it has been very hard - I really appreciate this support and this forum. Glad I found it.

Right now, I'm at one of three places. 1. Wondering why. Why all this happened. Is there someone else? Am I that awful of a person? Does he really need the bar and his friends that bad?
2. Should I ask him to come back. If I did, is it worth it? Would anything change? Probably not.
3. I'm angry. I want him to suffer. Right now, he thinks he's got me in the place he wants me. Sad and miserable. I want him there too. I want him to pay, not just with child support, but sadness in general.

All these feelings are all together all day. One right after the other. I really struggle to stay strong for my son, but I have to. And I have to work to keep what I have. My dad is there for me whenever I need for a talk or money or whatever which is good. Have any of you been through a divorce? Or a separation?

I do know I need to focus on myself do some things that I enjoy. Things he would never agree to do with me. I had a bad break up about six years ago and that helped from what I remember. I think it's time I stayed single for a long while...as this relationship thing isn't working out for me too well or I just can't pick 'em!

[specialmom]

Oh no.  I am just seeing this.  I am also sorry that your husband has foolishly decided to be irresponsible to you and his child.  I think he will live to regret his weakness and I'm ashamed of him for being a half man in this instance.  I know I sound mad but to walk away from his wife and child in this manner is apalling.  I have no respect for that.  

You have your boy to dote on and love.  He will also feel the pain of his father walking out.  So give him lots of extra cuddles and love.  And make sure that you get a break for yourself once in a while to recharge your batteries.  If you are afraid to leave him, a "mother's helper" is a great thing.  This is a young girl age 11 to 13 or even older that comes over while you are still home and plays with your son while you do something else around the house, read a book or just rest.  You pay them 2 to 3 dollars and hour and it is worth every penny.  I'd do it at least once a week.  

I'd try ------------- grrrrr---------- to get alone with your husband for your son's sake and do everything you can to promote their relationship.  This is for your son's benefit.  

Anyway, I'm sorry this happened.  I would think about some therapy for yourself.  I'd see how the stess of the past three years has affected you.  I'd also talk about why if your  husband was super lazy and unambitious for the past 10 or more years you decided to be with him.  This is important to look at to understand what attracted to you to him so you don't repeat the pattern.  And I'm sure you have a lot of emotions about what's happened that would be good to express to a supportive party.  

This really stinks and I wish you peace.  Do keep in touch with us.

[jettsmama]

Thank you for your reply. We did try counseling a few years ago, but yes, he didn't want to go for very long. I really do think he has so much buried deep down inside that will not come out until he's ready for it to. In the meantime, he is putting our son and myself through this. I have mentioned counseling for himself soley also, but he states that won't work - again, I think he has a lot of denile. As I stated above too, he wants to revert to going back to drinking and partying with his friends while I try to move on with our family and future - and make a life for our son. The best I think I can do is just try to move on, make sure my son is safe and happy and hope my husband someday gets the help he needs. It's hard and scary and I hate this right now (hate is a strong word, but it fits right now). Thank you again and I'll keep you all posted :)

[sweetpea03]

I'm sorry to hear about your husband running off from responsibility, but maybe this will be a much needed break for the both of you and both of you can think more clearly. I, myself, was born with a rare medical condition and was in and out of the hospital for multiple surgeries all through my childhood. I know it put a LOT of stress on my parents and they struggled with taking care of me and my brothers. They ended up going to counseling to help deal with it all and it helped them to figure out better ways to communicate and connect with each other. If you want counseling to help, you really have to put in some time. Going a couple times every once in a while won't do anything, so if you want it to work, then you really have to be there a lot. Though it would be a lot better of both you and him were there. I wish you the best of luck..

[jettsmama]

My husband decided to leave my son and I and go back to live with his mom on Saturday. He still wants to see our son but wants to go back to having someone take care of him (my husband) fully rather than he be equal in a relationship. He never really wanted a wife who worked and live in a partnership with someone equally to share responsibilities. He works in a factory and has for 10 years with no ambition or want to advance his career or education to actually get a job to support an entire family so a wife wouldn't have to work in this day and age. I'm scared out of my mind and this is the beginning of 'I'm not sure what's going on', but I'm thinking it's for the best. We went through so much and maybe it was just too much for him. And with me taking over the finances at this point and showing him to work smarter, not harder, I've found so many ways to save money, he's feeling like he's loosing a big responsibility. So, I'm sure he's decided I don't need him at all. We also fought a lot about his family and the fact that they mean so much more to him than I ever did or will. The way he talks to them or about them or defends them over me. If he would rather go back to childhood and revert to a better time for himself than be a man and a husband, then more power to him I suppose.

I appreciate your help. Hopefully there will be more peace in my home now that he is gone. My son and I will do the best we can and I have my parents who are very supportive as well. Take care and send some good thoughts my way if you can... :)

[lovemykids465]

Dr. Phil's book Relationship rescue is a great way to start. It has communication starters that really get to the jest of what you are both feeling. I too have been in your shoes, We have a daughter with an Immune disorder as well as a son with emotional issues. It is hard , but if your both willing to put in the extra effort and kind find someone you really trust to help with the care of your child( so you can begin to date again, VERY IMPORTANT) things will get better in time.

[specialmom]

Do you think your husband may have a bit of depression?   From your description here, he does sound angry about something.  What do you think that is?  Sometimes we take things out on the one we are closest to.  

When we had our first child, my husband found the transition a bit difficult.  He was pulled in two directions---------- the life he had before baby and the new one with baby.  We had a heart to heart about it and I asked him "what kind of dad did you have?  was your dad gone a lot?  did he go to bars with his buddies and leave you and your mom at home?"  He said "never."  Then I asked him "what kind of dad do you want to be?"  Now this conversation was not one in which I was leading how he would respond,  I had no negative tone but really wanted him to think about the questions and answer honestly.  That one conversation made the biggest difference in our home life.  He loves his kids.  He wanted to be a certain kind of dad to them.  He also wants them to live in a house with a certain kind of marriage.  He has accepted that he and we as a couple are their role model for their own lives.  Lots of responsibility.  And I would say until we had that heart to heart (again, done in a way that did not cause my husband to become defensive)-------  he really wasn't looking at his role in our household that way.  It helped.

Let me also ask you this.  I know from having a child with issues (and ours weren't life threatening--------- so I can only imagine the stress you were under) that taking care of the child becomes the main focus.  My son and his brother were on my mind non stop.  So, now that your son is doing better----------  is it time to get some babysitters and go out with your husband?  I personally can care less if I ever go to another bar again but once in a while my husband likes to go out.  So . .. I get the sitter, doll myself up and off we go.  Try to set up some dates that are "his" kind of dates.

Also, I always tell my girlfriends that we have the kind of husband we let them to be (men don't get mad at me here).  I'm a strong willed person and make my feelings well known in our house----------  which sometimes makes my husband feel like I don't listen to him but also lets him know exactly where I stand.  Instead of you doing the bills----------- put your boy to bed, bring the bills to your husband and say "we are going to do these together."  I'd make sure he has some jobs around the house.  And on a Saturday or Sunday, plan on something in which you are gone out of the home and he is watching your son alone.  Put him in charge (and without a huge list of what he is to do).  

And I would also really try to talk to him about counseling.  I'd not do it in a negative way but in a way that says "I want us to be happy together."

There is a journal here that I'm going to write and ask the person if I can refer you to it as it was good for reconnecting with a spouse.  If they say it is alright, I'll send you the link.  

good luck.  I really hope it works out and you go on to live a happy life forever and ever together.

[jettsmama]

Thanks for the reply. These are good ideas. I would like to try some of these. Right now, he is resistant to giving any effort to doing anything nice for me in return even tho I have been giving him that for weeks now. I know I should back off and just let it be, but I'm not that way. Even things like making the dinners he likes, it is just something that I want to do for him - even tho I know he will not return something such as a thank you or helping with an extra household chore, etc. Recently, he has decided to give me all the financial responsibility as well. He seems to be giving up on pretty much everything but his job. All his life his mom, sister or other girlfriends he has had have always taken care of him. I am a very 'equal' person and work full time just as he does. At this point, it's more 70-30 rather than 50-50. When I mention things like that to him, he blows up and yells and swears at me. Blames me that I have changed or that he doesn't get to hang out with friends like he wants to, etc. We do have an age difference and seems to be generation difference also - he's 28 and I'm 33. In my mind, I believe that he resents all that happened with our son, us getting married and everything since then and he would rather give up and go back to being a young, single man being taken care of rather than a grown up with a family. This is a lot of venting, but maybe you or others who read this have more advice. Again - thank you!

[specialmom]

Hi.  Ya know, I can really relate to your post.  My first born son has a developmental delay that I was not expecting or prepared for.   When he was first being diagnosed, I slipped into the abyss.  I fluctuated between depression and anxiety and denial.  I tend to shut out people when going through emotional distress and that included my husband.  I had many nights by myself on the couch, wide awake either in a spiral of "what it's and what nows" and crying.  A very dark period in my life.  

My husband handles things differently.  What he would say, I didn't want to hear.  "Whatever it is, it is.  We'll just do what we can."  Well, this is perfectly reasonable, but I wanted to fix it right away.  I read everything I could, obsessed about it, thought about it nonstop.  I'm sure I drove him bananas with my approach to the situation as he did mine.  In reality, he was dealing with his own worry and pain at learning our child would have life long struggles.  

The divorce rate of families with a child in crisis are staggering.  For just this reason..  Extreme worry and fear for our child takes us to a base level of functioning.  I pushed my husband away a bit as I handle things internally.  

So, now your son is doing well (which is great news) and it is time to reconnect.  I get this completely.  Happened to us as well.  I'm happy to say that our marriage has gotten much closer and we both feel connected and in love again.  We did this by talking openly that this is what we both wanted.  We really tried to communicate about how we wanted our marriage to be.  Listening to what my husband said and he to me allowed us to have some direction as to how to get close again.  Things he told me that really made him feel loved and happy with me I did much more of. He did the same for me.  We had dates in which we had rules------------ happy conversation only.  I made an effort to be affectionate-------  even just holding his hand as we walked, sitting close to him on the couch while we watch a movie.  Those little things you do much of before you have a heavy heart with kid worries.  We both have faith and we made sure we went to church together and prayed about it.  We had a rule for a while to give 3 genuine compliments to one another sporadically during the day.  Not rote, made up things just to do it.  But we would think about it.  This is good because it gets us thinking on that level about what we really admire and like about our partner.  Telling them is great too--------- but just putting the thoughts in our heads helps remind us.

I don't know if this helps, but it worked for my husband and I.  Your boy is also still a 3 year old which is still the toddler years.  My boys are 5 and 7 and I just want you to know too that as they get a bit older, you have more time and energy for the romantic relationship in your life!  

And . .. just to follow up on my son, he is now 7 (4 years later) and doing really wonderful.  I'm glad your boy is doing good too.  Peace.