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Avatar universal

His unorthodox porn addiction VS my insecurities

My boyfriend (22) and I (23) have been together for roughly 2 years. He doesn't talk to other women, doesn't hit me and overall we are a wonderful couple with only one exception- I find his porn habits to be absolutely disturbing, while he simply can not fathom why it hurts me and considers it to be normal. Of course, I can only expect someone his age to look at porn, but I imagine it to be more seldom and I guess...more normal. I first discovered how extreme it was once our sex life started dwindling, so I was curious and looked at his browsing history and photos, which consisted of porn almost entirely. I wouldn't say it was "normal" porn, it was "creep porn", public nudity, etc and there were even naked photos of previous girls he had been with. I confronted him and told him it hurt me, as I did not feel adequate and it felt like he preferred porn over me, especially when I look like nothing like them. We fought about this forever and he finally agreed to "tone it down". I already had suspicions he was somewhat addicted and when I saw no improvement, I blocked all porn sites through my isp. Admittedly, this is a little much, but I thought it would help... That's when he turned to photoshopping girls naked that he knew from facebook and even filming girls he walked behind. This almost resulted in a break up, and I still fear he does this. He claims to no longer go on Facebook, and I have discovered he has now turned to using mobile data or YOUTUBE to get off. This really blows my mind, as it seems he's willing to do anything, no matter how much I stress that it makes me feel differently about him, or how willing I am to have sex. We now have sex once, maybe twice a week. Granted, it could be less, but I feel he keeps it at this minimum simply to keep me happy. I truly obsess over whether he is watching porn or not and for this reason, he has convinced me I am nearly insane and should seek help for my insecurities. All the while I feel like his issues are so much more severe and  I have done nothing wrong other than expect him to just not be so pervertedl. I am only awaiting to discover his next "hobby" and I don't know if I can look at him the same anymore. It's almost like he has two personalities and I have no idea who is the wrong here. He rationalizes it by saying it was not meant for me to see and he's not technically cheating. Is this such a silly thing to break up over? Should I be okay with him being selfish and inconsiderate of my own feelings like most humans are, or am I overreacting? I just don't want to feel this way forever, but I can't stand the thought of losing him. Has anyone ever been through this and had a successful outcome, or does it simply end in misery?
5 Responses
Avatar universal
"Is this such a silly thing to break up over? Should I be okay with him being selfish and inconsiderate of my own feelings like most humans are, or am I overreacting?"........... I don't think most humans are ok with someone being selfish and inconsiderate.  I think his problem is BEYOND being selfish and inconsiderate............he has an addiction; an addiction that ONLY a professional can handle, so blocking, hiding, begging, pleading, giving ultimatums, etc.  aren't going to be effective at all.

Hon, if you have to be a watchdog for someone who sees ZERO problems with what he is doing then I would say it is time to END things.  If he sees no problem there will be NO change.  In fact, he told you you need to address your "insecurities" trying to deflect the attention off himself when he knows deep down inside it is HIM who needs the help.  Would you really have a problem losing someone who is placing the blame on you instead of himself?

No, this isn't a "silly" thing to break up over.  You are young and I am sure there is a guy out there who isn't going to put you through all this nonsense in regards to porn.  

There is BETTER out there for you dear.  Love yourself a bit more and get rid of this guy.
Avatar universal
I totally don't understand why You are putting YourSelf through this distress.  (I know, I know:  You 'love' Him)

BUT - 'love' is a choice and You DO have choices here.

Porn ADDICTION is real - .  I would treat it as any other addiction in that I would tell Him I prefer to live MY life without porn and if He doesn't take steps to recover from His addiction, well then, I would leave.

You are only 23 years old - You have Your entire life ahead of You.  I should hope You wouldn't waste your life with/on an alcoholic or a drug addict who refused to seek recovery for His addiction.  You need to know that as far as the receptors in the brain are concerned porn is addictive ALSO and OFTEN needs to be addressed through abstinance AND therapy/counseling.  You can offer to be supportive through His efforts to 'recover' from His addiction but You have every right to insist that You won't live Your life this way any longer.

GoodLuck
1029273 tn?1472235094
Personally, I think you should seriously consider taking the advice from above (both posts make sense).

You've spoke with him numerous times about this, yet nothing has really changed for the better, right? Your sex life has dwindled; he looks at "creep porn", and he has pictures of naked girls he's been with in the past; also he photoshops girls naked. Honestly, that's unacceptable in a monogamous, long term relationship.  Don't waste anymore time on this guy; leave before your self-esteem becomes a casualty...
3060903 tn?1398568723
I agree wholeheartedly with the two above answers, he had made his choice, and now you need to make yours. Please, just remember, that many of us have had to make the really hard choices, of walking away from a loved one that is simply incompatible with what we want out of life, ,and just as many have found a love , down the road, that is healthy and happy.

I had to leave my first husband, that i cared very deeply about, because of him insisting that it was "normal" for men to go to strip clubs. While he said that he had no interest in the strippers there, he ended up getting one of them pregnant, albeit after i left, but the reality was that he very much was interested in having a relationship and getting closer to strippers.

I have never ever regretted leaving him and a life that would have me take backseat to another woman or women. You are young and beautiful and in the prime of your life. My advice is for you to concentrate on your career right now and let this go. Prepare to uplift yourself in success starting with education and career, and be ready for |Mr. Right.

Always here to talk, Liz
Avatar universal
You can always leave him honey,  if he is not planning to change then why do you stay? I care about my husband and I love him but if he is going back to porn I am out of this marriage.  I wouldn't even give him a word I would pack my bags and I am leaving.  You need to sit him down and told him what you don't like and how creepy his behavior is. If he is not going to change then find yourself a better man.
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