@AnnieBrook and @Paxiled Thanks for the responses.
1. My wife and I love each other. I think she just gives me this leeway because she wants me to be happy, and still stay married to her.
She was not forced into this marriage. Other men have wanted her before, during, and if we ever got divorced. I think it is her being nice.
To me, it feels the same as "whether you turn out rich or mediocre, I still love you because you work hard to provide for this family" or me saying "I will love you, even if you cut your hair short or do other things that I don't find attractive in women."
2. I guess it's hard, because I certainly feel attracted to other women.
In practical terms, I am working so much I have no time to have an affair, even if I wanted.
Although prostitutes are convenient, getting an STD that I could give to a wife makes me too anxious to relax and enjoy anonymous sex. It seems like many people on this forum, and in general, are speaking with their anxiety when it comes to their STD scares ("I had sex with a condom, but I still think I have HIV.").
3. Any more nuance we can add?
It just sounds like I need to find out what my wife truly means, what she truly will allow, and act on these desires (longer-term, emotional affair, or anonymous escort sex) if necessary.
As many of you said, if I am an emotional person, and it sounds like I am, I need to realize prostitutes dehumanize and could care less about their customers emotions and keeping in touch as the client does for theirs.
Ironically, that is why I like befriending prostitutes, helping out their children, etc. Simply, I like there to be more a relationship than each side doing a completely unemotional thing.
I was not being as judgemental as you think, more curious. I am wondering about the expectations or constraints on your wife, such that she accepted this condition of marrying you.
In the U.S., if a woman were to be offered the choice of accepting that her husband would have relations with other women or not getting to marry him, he would have to be quite a fabulous prize for the woman to say yes. (I mean, like super rich, famous or powerful, or with a glamorous life she would be able to enjoy.) In most marriages here, the expectation of fidelity is largely baked into the idea of being married (or else people just don't get married, and continue to have loving, serial relationships without marriage). Here, it would be unusual for a woman to accept such terms from just an average guy, even if he's nice to women. But apparently your culture or the bride's circumstances makes it easier for a man to request or expect this arrangement?
1. I welcome the discussion. Yet, as I said in the last post, please try to be as considerate as possible in the way you say things.
Even admitting this issue is difficult for me, and would be for most people.
2. I think most men love their wives, but still are tempted.
Granted, the statistics show that most married men and a substantial portion of married women have affairs outside their marriage. I assume that this involves not only romantic feelings and kissing, but also sex.
3. To be perfectly clear, I love my wife for everything she is.
But, she explicitly said, even in our marriage contract, that I could be with other women, as long as I came back to her.
4. Of course I care about my wife. This is why I have not done anything despite being married for about six months. This is why I am open to discussion.
5. I know, many men do stay faithful for their wives for their lifetime. If they want fantasy or enjoying sex with other women, they just enjoy themselves (masturbation).
My guess is the same would be done for women
- With longer-term mistresses, that is more of an emotional risk, since the woman has her needs, too. She may not want to feel like "second place."
I guess that what you are saying is that you decided to marry someone nice that you don't find sexually appealing. And, this has (perhaps inevitably) come out in your sex life. And now, rather than divorce and look for a wife who is as nice that you do find sexually exciting, you have thought of a different idea. Which is, you want to try to find some way to have sexual adventures outside your marriage, (but not get involved emotionally, but not one-night stands because that is not emotionally satisfying and the sex would not mean much). And because she loves you, your wife has apparently accepted that if she wants to stay married and be able to have children, etc. she must agree to this.
What happens to your wife in all these scenarios? If you divorce her, is it a matter of great shame to her? (I don't know what culture you are from.) If you stay with her, and all your friends know you are sleeping with other women, will that be a shame to her?
Thanks, for the answers.
I will share some emotions. I hope everyone can be considerate, since sex is such a personal thing where any behavior (virgin, promiscuous, or anything in-between) can be subject to judgement or even ridicule.
1. I guess I am lucky to have a great wife. She cooks, cleans, loves me so much. She is great with managing money and thinking long-term about children, family, too.
We certainly are romantic, and say we love each other all the time, and often kiss.
2. Ironically, our relationship just does not have much of that lust or passion. We probably had sex only a few times in our relationship.
For other women, especially early on, I can make love with them 5-10 times a day.
Particularly, this is a good thing, as I see both genders often be attracted to someone, like someone, even if that other person does not treat them well. In my life, the worst friends or girlfriends I had were the most pretty. Although very physically attractive, and used to extra special treatment because of that, they seemed to forget the importance of being nice, humble, and caring for others.
a. So, I married someone who was a good person, good with money, nice, and a genuinely love her. It's just "enjoying sex" was not high on our decision list for us. In my opinion, that is actually a very good thing, as we can all speak to divorced people who married someone partially because the other was tall, attractive, sexy, etc. but was not good in more important things that a spouse and parent need to be.
b. Rather, I guess it just comes from a common human emotion, especially of men, to enjoy sex with many pretty women.
3. On my own, I did like to visit Red Light districts, brothels, and even befriend some of these workers, babysit their kids, etc. I guess it's so tempting to see an attractive woman and want sex. The fact that an attractive Russian, Latin American, Arabian woman for 100 USD or less is enticing. It's something different than I have at home.
For some reason, I can hang out with these women, buy them food, help their children get better educational options, etc. Yet, I cannot "stick it in" and sleep with them, because I am afraid of STD risks, and because I don't want to be "just another customer" to them that they forget about completely as soon as I leave.
4. On a completely different tangent, for some reason, mating habits are always deeper thing for me. I always tried to be nice to everyone, and like friends and girlfriends who were very nice people. It just bothered me that others don't always follow this policy. Some pretty women even seem to think that being nice is bad, and actually want guys who are mean. Same thing with friends.
Again, perhaps it bothers me because I could never properly understand or relate to this behavior.
5. Any advice?
My guess is:
a. You have a good wife. Keep her, enjoy her.
b. If I am still not satisfied, it looks like finding a mistress would be safer, emotionally. But, expectations would need to be made clear...we can have romance and sex, but I cannot leave my wife for anyone.
Many women would refuse to be in a situation for that, but some would (especially if they gain money, etc.).
Agree with the above. So the question is, how did this come up in the first place? Wife isn't into sex? Wife has medical issues? You aren't into your wife sexually anymore? She's cheating on you and doesn't want to stop so now you get to cheat on her too (this might be true even if she hasn't said so). Marriages are fragile things, all sexual relationships are, so do ponder this before doing it. Besides the fact it seems you're not really the type to get satisfaction of any kind from casual sex, and the dangers mentioned above, my own guess is, once you have an open marriage you eventually have no marriage at all because eventually one of you find someone new and more interesting. Something to think about, anyway.
You sound like the kind of person who is happy in a stable and emotionally connected, loving relationship, an admirable thing. Trying to adjust who you are so you can have sex with prostitutes seems like a step down on the human development scale for yourself when you have admirable values for the women you have cared about even in the past.
Is your wife simply done with sex? Does she have medical issues? Is the marriage over except for the formalities? I would guess that what would happen if you did begin to have sex outside the marriage is that you would find someone more like a mistress for the long term than a bunch of short-term or one-night stands, and then you would become emotionally involved. It really sounds like you need a wife who is on board the same train as you, sexually speaking.
Well, am I hearing you correctly- you actually dont want to have those one night stands. So why do something you dont wish? Life is too short for that. Especially if you can avoid that. Also there is also the risk of STDs, HIV, Hepatitis B,C,D,E... And for what? For one night of pleasure? There are surely other solutions possible? Like swingers or something.