How can I get over the pain from my ex's affairs?

[maowcoaisekaja]

I was married to a man for 37 years.  He left me 3 years ago for an old girlfriend. He was actually dating her and I at the same time when we were in college.  He claimed he was in Love with the two of us.  He made up his mind after 2 years of dating us both that I was the one, he claimed he broke up with her.  He proposed to me and , I became pregnant and he married me.  We had three children right away.  During our marriage he constantly mentally and emotionally abused me.  He was a salesman and he had a ton of women clients , which he wined and dined for business and for personal pleasure.  Whenever I complained about the inappropriatness of this behavior he told me I was crazy, insecure etc.  He was not affectionate and he complained about the lack luster sex life we had.  I found it very difficult to be physically intimate with him because I didn't feel very loved by him . He always put work, friends ( men and women ) family, our children , drinking - basically everything before me.

All of this behavior went on behind closed doors, to the outside world he was a charming upstanding member of community and church.  He would tell me he loved me , buy me expensive gifts, take me on trips but continue to emotionally abuse me and neglect me.  25 years ago he told me he did not love me nor did he want to be married.  He did not want to leave nor did he want me to leave .  He basically asked me to hang in there til he figured out what was wrong with him.  I did for 7 years during which time I went back to work, back to school, trying to make things better for myself.  Things seemed to get better for a while, he said he was the luckiest man around because I hung in there for him.  He did not really change his previous behaviour and eventually came to me again about 5 yrs ago with the same "I don't love you any more crap"  This time I told him if he didn't want to work on saving our relationship then he would have to leave.  We had just bought a condo together 5 mos previous to this .  He said the relationship had been dead for 10 yrs and he left.

I filed for divorce and we just got divorced 3 weeks ago, a 2 yr process.  He went to another state to live with this old girl friend and basically walked away from his life , his children , 7 grandchildren, all his friends.  During the divorce proceedings I found out that over the last 25 yrs of our marriage, maybe even the entire marriage, he had 6 affairs,the last one being the old college girlfriend.  Some of the affairs were long term (12 yrs ) some short but basically running into each other sometimes overlapping.

When I challenged him on all these affairs and who he eventually ended up with, his excuse to me I was no longer was any fun and he had to survive. So he sacrificed his life and devoted his life to his children and kept this secrtet life under wraps so his children woudn't suffer and I wouldn't get hurt. Needless to say I am so emotionally destroyed and broken over all this.  He also left me destitute and left me holding the bag with the condo which is going into foreclosure.

I feel like my whole marriage was one big sham , all my memories are overshadowed by all the affairs.  I am however greatful for my children, but I am starting over at 60 with nothing financially .  I do get up every day, I have a job , which is barely a job , I gave up a nursing career to take care of my kids.  I can't seem to be able to deal with the huge betrayal and disrespect for myself and basically our whole family unit.  I see a therapist, I pray to God every day I go out with friends I spend time with my family but not one bit of the pain is subsiding .  Is there any one out there who has been thru something similar and is making it better than me and could offer some advise or support?

[jo929]

Just want you to know i what you are going through, and feel for you it is hard i know, but hang in there we are all here for you  luck  jo

[specialmom]

Good advice Judy.  It is truly a difficult thing to be betrayed as you were.  It eats at you heart and sould on many levels.  I'm a believer in character----  and the two people that posted of your divorces . . . well, your X's sound as if they lack character.  They were weak men that did not do the right thing.  I'm glad they are out of your lives for that reason . . . but I know that doesn't make you feel any better.  You dedicated yourselves to these men and they weren't who they said they are.  Well, remember----  it is their problem.  They will treat the new women in their lives the same way, make no doubt about it.  They lack character and those that lack character always go back to what they know---- and those men knew how to cheat, lie and hurt those who cared for them.  
So, I am sorry this happened to you.  Embrace all things that you enjoy with life with new zeal.  Look to others for support.  And know that the problem lies with the men and not you.  good luck

[Judy246]

Also, if you look at lower right hand side, where it reads 'Groups", Mami created a forum called "infidelity" where you can share you pain, thoughts, feelings, anger and will only receive support, comfort and understanding...it does help and you are not alone. There have been so many post here with both men or women who have been devistated by infidelity. Welcome and we are all here for you if you just want to talk.  Judy

[Judy246]

I read your post and it just breaks my heart at what you have suffered at the hands of your husband. How awful you must feel and yes, you do have a lot of support here. Right now you need to just take some time to think, heal and when you lose someone you loved and a marriage, you grieve the loss and what you are doing is greaving and feeling anger at the betray. Your feelings are justified. It's very important to have a support system. Your family, friends, speak with a counselor to help you sort out your emotions so that they don't become debilitating. Also, it's time to accept what you can't change and start making plans for your life and your children. It sounds as if he is going through a life change, but I promise you that the grass is not greener on the other side, and this one day will come back to haunt him. One day his children will grow remembering what he put you thru, but start by taking some quite time for yourself. Ask your family if they can stay with the kids for a weekend and go with friends somewhere sunny to absorb the sun, fresh air and refresh. There is always hope and life after a bad marrige, especially infidelity and life has a way of falling into place, so right now, one step at a time and if you feel you need counseling, do so, it will definately help and when you are ready, start planning your life with your children and everything else will fall into place.  Hugs, Judy

[Niknak1974]

I know how you feel, although my marriage only lasted 11 years, 4 children, and who knows how many affairs.  I was told by my soon-to-be ex husband that he had never loved me and never wanted this life with me and so on and so forth.  He left me and my children homeless, and had all of our stuff put in storage while me and the children camped.  It was horrible and there is more and more that keeps coming up.  I am in a very loving relationship with someone else, but I still find myself thinking about my ex, and if we could have made it work out and why my children have to go through all this.  I find that no matter what I feel like my life and marriage was one big joke, on me.  I do not know how to get over this kind of hurt, except perhaps to know that the problem is not yourself, but him.  He was the one that was horrible, and he was the one that made the life you lived with him miserable.  I know that even though I know all this, it is still hard for me to get over the hurtful things he said and the pain of my marriage not working out.  But perhaps you could find yourself a companion, and find things to do with him and find someone who treats you like a princess.  What do your kids think about what has happened?  Is your ex paying spousal support, because I believe you are entitled to it.  I hope this works out for you.  There must be someone better waiting for you, someone who loves you for you.  Good luck

=0)