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How can I learn to trust again after he lied to me?
How can I learn to trust my husband after he lied to me straight to my face. Now it is not a huge lie. But always though he was honest with me. Never in a million years would I think he would lie to me. So now. We have been together almost 33 years now. Dated for 3 and in Oct. it will be 30 years we are married. He lied to me about looking at naked pictures of women on the internet. And a little porn. I have always been honest with him and he know that is a huge thing with me. Honesty. So now that this has happened I start to think that our whole marriage has been a lie. How do I know? And also our sex life has been not good. And I noticed that when he looked at the pictures is when he would want sex. So I think he has to look at that in order to get excited and have sex with me because he really wants a young, skinny sexy woman. I am not fat but do have a little tummy. But am trying to loose it and about 10 pounds. And after having 3 children my breast are not perky anymore, but don't think exercise will help that and don't think I am willing to have surgery. He says I excite him but I don't believe him. Why should I? He lied about looking at the pictures and I did not know so how do I know he is not lying now. Also, I don't know for sure if he even wants to touch me. We went a few months of no touch. Then after I asked him he started again. But is he just doing it because I said something or out of guilt? I don't know anymore. I can't tell if he is being truthful. I love him and am so very in love with him. And deep down I know he loves me. I am just not sure he is still in love with me anymore.
Hi,
I read every single of your guys' comments. I am currently having issues of my own with my husband of only 5 months. We met in medical school - started dating first day we saw each other - something clicked. Dated for 2 years, and then he proposed to me, and shortly after we got married. Turns out, he put up a facade of who he really was. I didnt really have much of a past to begin with (dating around, or hooking up) - and whatever that i had in the past was open and honest. He continuously lied about everything. from messages of girls he's hooked up with in the past, to having intentions of being with someone else while being with me..to looking up thousands (literally!) of photographs of girls on websites. I have sat down, talked to him about everything calmly, even told him that honesty is something that i value and without it there is nothing. I have no trust in him. He lies to my face about checking women out. I have no problem with porn, or if he looks at women, but i do have a problem with people who distort the truth or tell half lies. He said he's going to work on things, its been forever it seems.. every day is a battle.
To top it off, he uses excuses to back up his actions after he gets caught. I don't get it? I'm not going to judge a person for being upfront and blunt about their doings. I know i say things the way they are. I can't lie. Why would i want to ..to someone i chose to marry. That person should be my vault.. someone i can tell anything and everything to.. There are no divorces in my family - none. My grandparents, great grand parents... parents, cousins, uncles, aunts.. all happily married.
My grandfather told me one thing when i got married and he said.. HONESTY is everything. Its the basis of a strong foundation. I think i will be the first in the family to get divorced if things keep going on like this...
Im tired of it all. :( ..
I read every single of your guys' comments. I am currently having issues of my own with my husband of only 5 months. We met in medical school - started dating first day we saw each other - something clicked. Dated for 2 years, and then he proposed to me, and shortly after we got married. Turns out, he put up a facade of who he really was. I didnt really have much of a past to begin with (dating around, or hooking up) - and whatever that i had in the past was open and honest. He continuously lied about everything. from messages of girls he's hooked up with in the past, to having intentions of being with someone else while being with me..to looking up thousands (literally!) of photographs of girls on websites. I have sat down, talked to him about everything calmly, even told him that honesty is something that i value and without it there is nothing. I have no trust in him. He lies to my face about checking women out. I have no problem with porn, or if he looks at women, but i do have a problem with people who distort the truth or tell half lies. He said he's going to work on things, its been forever it seems.. every day is a battle.
To top it off, he uses excuses to back up his actions after he gets caught. I don't get it? I'm not going to judge a person for being upfront and blunt about their doings. I know i say things the way they are. I can't lie. Why would i want to ..to someone i chose to marry. That person should be my vault.. someone i can tell anything and everything to.. There are no divorces in my family - none. My grandparents, great grand parents... parents, cousins, uncles, aunts.. all happily married.
My grandfather told me one thing when i got married and he said.. HONESTY is everything. Its the basis of a strong foundation. I think i will be the first in the family to get divorced if things keep going on like this...
Im tired of it all. :( ..
I am not sure I am supposed to reply to you because of this post being so old. But I did not want you to think I do not appreciate your response. So if I am breaking the rules I am sorry.....
Kymmy44, Thanks so much. I am trying. But it is so very hard. I have in my mind that if I get to looking like the girls he gawks at then he wins and never did want me. I never looked like them. And WHY should I. I just don't understand. I am not unhealthy. And that is what counts to me. I am 50 years old. Have a little belly and gravity is not my friend. But I am not obese at all. I go to the gym 3 days a week and use my elliptical at the house most mornings. And also swim 2 or 3 days a week in the warm weather. And where I live it is warm a lot. So I don't know what else to do to loose the few pounds I need to. And right now I don't care. This is me. And if this is not what he wants then he can leave. That is just how I feel. I won't try to change for him when he is not willing to change for me.
Again. Thanks to all the wonderful ladies on this site who have helped me. I still come and reread your suggestions. And Thanks Kymmy44. I am trying.
Kymmy44, Thanks so much. I am trying. But it is so very hard. I have in my mind that if I get to looking like the girls he gawks at then he wins and never did want me. I never looked like them. And WHY should I. I just don't understand. I am not unhealthy. And that is what counts to me. I am 50 years old. Have a little belly and gravity is not my friend. But I am not obese at all. I go to the gym 3 days a week and use my elliptical at the house most mornings. And also swim 2 or 3 days a week in the warm weather. And where I live it is warm a lot. So I don't know what else to do to loose the few pounds I need to. And right now I don't care. This is me. And if this is not what he wants then he can leave. That is just how I feel. I won't try to change for him when he is not willing to change for me.
Again. Thanks to all the wonderful ladies on this site who have helped me. I still come and reread your suggestions. And Thanks Kymmy44. I am trying.
COMMUNITY LEADER
This is a super old post. Feel free to start your own thread regarding your situation. good luck
Worried wife I'm in the same boat as you my husband looks at other women on bet and walking past in the flesh he looks at total opposite from me and I feel he doesn't fancy me anymore whenever I ask him he says of course he does and gets on the defensive he also lies about looking at other women on net and clears history which obviously makes me not trust him more so obviously he isn't very bright and in tune to how I feel. What I'm doing at the moment is learning to love myself and feel positive about myself I can't change him looking at others or lying cos he doesn't want to upset me or look like the dirty pervert he is. But I can change how I feel about myself, the more I love myself the more he will realise if he lets me go I will be soon snapped up again and he won't get a second chance, the best revenge (kind of) is to show him the best side of you and show him what he's missing out on
Hope this helps Hun
KJ
Hope this helps Hun
KJ
COMMUNITY LEADER
You two might want to private message each other as well. I think that would be nice for the two of you to support each other as friends. Then the forum can be used to answer questions or for those who need advice. luck to you both.
PS: if you need help navigating how to private message on the site, please ask. It is the best way to have conversation between two members verses on a forum. Let me know if you need help with that. good luck
PS: if you need help navigating how to private message on the site, please ask. It is the best way to have conversation between two members verses on a forum. Let me know if you need help with that. good luck
Hi There! So sorry to hear of all the trauma you guys have suffered and hope everyone is making a speedy recovery! How is your eldest son in law? I love the fact that you have seen this tender side of your hubby - It reminded me that although he has been cruel to you, he is not the worst human being on the planet. That's the thing isn't it - people are so many things and it can be so confusing! Mine also has good parts, but it is the cruelty to me that makes me stubborn on shifting my perspective.
No good news on this front unfortunately! In fact, worse than it was a month ago. Apparently I am married to a pathological, narcissistic sociopath! Turns out he has issues that I can't even begin to comprehend so it's a twelve month journey towards divorce :-( It's a good thing, even though it is the hardest thing I will ever go through. I know there is light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I just wish I could fast forward to the light!. I have been terrible and verging on undignified - however, after speaking to a good friend yesterday, I was reminded that what I am feeling and how I am acting is completely acceptable and that it is he who cannot accept that his actions have ramifications. He has no sense of the word "responsibility". My friend also told me that yes, of course it still feels like he is my soul mate but that he has made so many wrong choices and that life can still be good for me without my ex because I know how to give love openly and honestly and that only wisdom will remain when the heartache is gone. I cannot tell you how much this voice of reason has helped me, is helping me. Call it intuition but I think my ex is now involved with someone else. It hurts but I have always said "Love knows no boundaries" so I have no choice but to accept it and move on. Honestly, it's like living your worst nightmare but the flip side is, it's now peaceful at home - and there is a lot to be said about peace and tranquility. There is nothing worse than living with someone you love so deeply, and then finding out you you don't really know them at all. It is hell on earth. Where time was once an inconvenience for us, it is now my saviour. Every day I am blessed to have time to focus on repairing myself and the things I want in life - God, good friends and family, a beautiful garden, lovely animals, study, work and a house that is a forever project. I have enough :-)
No good news on this front unfortunately! In fact, worse than it was a month ago. Apparently I am married to a pathological, narcissistic sociopath! Turns out he has issues that I can't even begin to comprehend so it's a twelve month journey towards divorce :-( It's a good thing, even though it is the hardest thing I will ever go through. I know there is light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I just wish I could fast forward to the light!. I have been terrible and verging on undignified - however, after speaking to a good friend yesterday, I was reminded that what I am feeling and how I am acting is completely acceptable and that it is he who cannot accept that his actions have ramifications. He has no sense of the word "responsibility". My friend also told me that yes, of course it still feels like he is my soul mate but that he has made so many wrong choices and that life can still be good for me without my ex because I know how to give love openly and honestly and that only wisdom will remain when the heartache is gone. I cannot tell you how much this voice of reason has helped me, is helping me. Call it intuition but I think my ex is now involved with someone else. It hurts but I have always said "Love knows no boundaries" so I have no choice but to accept it and move on. Honestly, it's like living your worst nightmare but the flip side is, it's now peaceful at home - and there is a lot to be said about peace and tranquility. There is nothing worse than living with someone you love so deeply, and then finding out you you don't really know them at all. It is hell on earth. Where time was once an inconvenience for us, it is now my saviour. Every day I am blessed to have time to focus on repairing myself and the things I want in life - God, good friends and family, a beautiful garden, lovely animals, study, work and a house that is a forever project. I have enough :-)
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