How do I deal with his anger?

[LadyG835]

My boyfriend is a very loving man. He's hard-working and strives for making our lives comfortable. He truly loves me and tells me how much he appreciates me, all the time. However, there is a side of him that I do not know how to deal with. I can ask (or what I think are) simple questions or make simple statements and he will instantly get angry and start saying hurtful things. Ex: He came home yesterday from work and said that he saw his buddy outside about to go to the store so he let him use his vehicle (even though his buddy had a car). So, I asked, "Why does "Buddy" have your car?". (Thinking that maybe Buddy's car was broken or something). He immediately replies, "Cuz I want to!..why do I need to have a reason to let someone use my car?!...Always asking stupid questions!!!...I'm sick of this ****!! And so on and so forth. All of our arguments are stemmed from how he talks to me when he is angry and why he is angry over something so trivial. That's where ALL of our arguments begin. Another example: I told him that I understand that he works long hours but that our intimate times are becoming less and less and that I was concerned and didn't want us to lose that. And then......"I can't do nothing right with you!!...I always have to hear about what I'm doing wrong!!!....Maybe you need someone who can satisfy you more than me!!!...on and on. And he won't stop; he continues muttering hurtful and resentful things and when I get upset or emotional because of what he's saying or how he's acting, then he starts with telling me how I cry too much, I'm too sensitive, all I do is whine..just to name a few.  I'm starting to walk on eggshells and second guess what I'm going to say before I say it. His "Fight or Flight" response is Flight; to not help rectify the problem, but to condemn it and say that he'd rather let me be free if I can't handle the person that he is. He's in total denial and I can't attempt to help him without him wanting to throw in the towel. Our relationship would be ideal if it weren't for these exaggerated outbursts and being that he projects the anger to me and doesn't see that it's a problem, I know that he won't entertain the idea of anger management techniques, etc. What do I do?!  I'm so confused.

[Judy246]

You are a smart lady for taking our advise to heart and if you need support to get through the aftermath....we are here for you. Judy

[LadyG835]

He's gone! Had to let him go! Peace!

[mami1323]

My fiance acted this very same way when he was cheating on me.  Purposely causing fights so he would have an excuse to run off and have some fun of his own.  Or he would get so defensive when I would ask him certain questions.  I think there is a reason why he's behaving this way and its really up to you if you want to deal with it.  You can't change someone, they have to want to change themselves.  The only way to deal with his anger is to not want to deal with it and walk away.  If he knows how it makes you feel and he continues to do it than what more can you do?  You have to know you deserve better.

[vhc09]

ladyg, i stayed with a man like that for 12 years. i finally had to leave as i felt so alone and unloved. it took a while to feel better but now i am married to a loving man and my life is great! you can do it too. you can't change him. it isn't you.

good luck sweetie.

[jo929]

I hate to put seeds of doubt in your mind, but is it possible there is someone else, and he uses this as an excuse, it appears that he is mad at himself and taking it out on you? i just read your journals, you do not give your age, and in one you say you were arguing with your boyfriend, crying ect is this the same boyfriend, and are you better now or are you having the same problems you say he is great and loves you, but all of the things he says to you point at him wanting out of the relationship, and he wants YOU to be the one to end your relationship, have you been together long and has he asked to marry you, you say nothing of tying the knot it does not sound like a healthy relationship but the decision is up to you, if you want to keep taking this eventually he will leave, or you will get stress related problems, i do wish that i could say something that would make you feel better and remember this is just my opinion, and it is based on what you have posted  luck  jo

[iam1butterfly]

Oh my God!
I dated a man almost exactly like that!
I know exactly how you feel! ... I'm so sorry for you.
Anyway it turned out that my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder aka BPD.
Now, this isn't to say that this is what's behind your boyfriend's abrasive treatment of you. But, if you want to read an excellent book on how to deal with people who have the kind of rage and anger management issues that you described, I highly recommend "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger.
Another great book on the topic is "I Hate You, Don't leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman & Hal Straus. And if you decide that you're fed up and are ready to leave this abusive relationship, another helpful book is "Breaking Free From Boomerang Love" by Lynn Melville.
Good luck to you and God bless.

[Judy246]

Hi, you don't tell us both your age? His is either seeing someone else or his background has a lot to do with being abusive.

He is verbally abusing you and it is just a matter of time that his verbal abuse will escalate to physical abuse. Verbal abuse is a way of controlling you (putting you in your place so to speak) weakening your mind,manipulate you through agressive behavior, which results in insecurities, low self esteem, fear of men or having the freedom to speak your mind and simply be you. Verbal abuse will affect every aspect of your life. It will make it a dark place to live in.

I personally think he is no longer in love with you, because of comments such as:"Maybe you need someone who can satisfy you more than me", "he would rather let you be free"....all these are red flag signs that he want out of the relationship.

Please listen to us here very carefully. Get out of this relationship, because it' just a matter of time that he is not only going to cheat on you (he might already have someone else or would like out of the relationship to date again) and physically abuse you. Physical abuse can escalate to murder, so get out of it immediately and don't look back. You can't change anyone, but you can change yourself by never permitting anyone to mistreat you or abuse you in any way.

Seek out family and good friends. You need to be in a safe environment where you are free to just be yourself. Free to speak, go out, socialize, shop....get my message her.

Get out, before it escalates to violence...good luck.