How do I get over this

[rosiefiona]

(beware long story ahead)

I have been with my boyfriend for under a year, the relationship started off perfect, he was so amazing and we were very happy, we have a connection I have never felt before and honestly i felt like i was in love with him after our first date because it went so well. I felt so safe with him and i've never felt happy before.

A bit of time went by, I think 5 months, our relationship escalated very quickly as he told me from day one he was so serious about me and every day he done nothing but treat me like a princess. I had my suspicions about him as my past relationships havent been great and honestly, i've always had trust issues. He'd always like other girls pictures on instagram and follow around 30 girls each day. We argued over it and he stopped because i find it disrespectful. (i know people have different opinions on this but i just dont agree with this)
One day he was out in the car and he left his phone in my house, i went to grab it and couldnt help but snoop. I have never done this in any of my relationships before but i just had a gut feeling and what i found shocked me and hurt me more than anything has ever hurt me in my life. I felt truly traumatised and my life just felt as though it came crashing down , how could something so perfect be so fake? how could my happiness become instant sadness like this.

I found he had been watching porn everyday, i mean, i know guys watch porn and i get it i've never actually had a problem with this atall. do i love the thought of it? no. but its not the end of the world, as i scroll through, i see all these fake accounts i had no idea about, a twitter account dedicated to girls with onlyfans and porn that he had literally just been on before seeing me. a tiktok which was purely obviously just for him to wank to girls dancing which i find extremely disturbing as that is definitely not what that app is for!

so we get into an argument because i feel betrayed he lied to me, i have twitter and he has always said he never used it. so since then my suspicions of him not being honest with me grew. I told him i was not being in another relationship where im being lied to and if he had anything else to tell me then he should, he begged me not to leave him and told me he had nothing to hide and that he was disgusted he was on this. - later that night we go to order food, i order it from his phone and pops up a very strange website - where girls are getting their pictures taken unknowingly?!?! or so it seems. some of these pictures werent even nude, just VERY weird and disturbing, so i just begin to just question who this person is.. because he just doesnt seem to be the person he makes himself out to be, I then find that he has a completely different snapchat account that i was unaware of, after begging him to let me see it for hours, he wouldnt let me, we got into a massive fight and eventually i see a bunch of naked pictures and him snapchatting girls every single day, I was completely heartbroken and left that day.

A week of me being absolutely devastated went by and we didnt speak, he ended up coming to my house and begged for another chance, i began to think, maybe i over reacted because its not like we were going out for a long time and maybe it wasnt as bad as it seemed. He promised me he'd change and that he would do everything in his power to make us work and i believed him.

so months went by we started to become happy again, of course i had issues trusting him but we were really building it. I ended up moving in with him and we just became closer and closer and aside from all the lies no one could ask for a better boyfriend, he really done everything he could for me. Which made me believe he really did love me.

I found out last night that he had girls over at his flat when we broke up, he says he had guys in too but he ordered food and on the just eat website it says there was only 2 drinks ordered, which makes me believe there was only him and one other person. The boy lies like something i have never seen before, when i ask him over and over he literally isnt capable of telling the truth and it is so frustrating and makes me react like a crazy person. I've never done anything to him or lied to him so i dont understand what i done to deserve these lies. So we argue for ages over this then once again i find on his internet history that he has been watching porn every day when im in the other room? he'll pretend to go to the toilet and have a wank? and he deletes everything but i found a way to find the deleted history. So i just believe he does alot more than that, i feel he's back to his old habits again.

I know to many people i might sound crazy and like im over reacting, but it kills me that he'd rather wank over girls on the internet than just grab me, it makes me feel so worthless, Im fairly confident that im a very good looking girl and i know i satisfy him in bed as sex lasts about 3 minutes.. if anything it should be me watching porn to get off.
it makes me feel so low and honestly right now i feel depressed because i know he will never change and i know i need to leave, even though besides all of this our relationship is so special, i just know one day i'll probably walk in on him doing alot worse than what he's doing now because he is incapable of being loyal. Its so hard to leave him because i do love him.

I cant see myself getting over this anytime soon. When i was single i really loved myself and felt so happy but i just feel now he's ruining my confidence. has anyone had similar experiences? has anyones boyfriend changed?what do i do? how do i find myself again?

[specialmom]

I didn't read other people's comments, I'll start with that. I'm just going to leave mine.  He sounds like a person that is very nice to you, cares about you and you could have a future with. IF he made some changes after the initial snoop and find confrontation and break up, I'd really focus on that. If the get together occurred during that time, I'd focus on it being BEFORE you sorted some things out. Timing is everything here.  My now husband of more than two decades had another girl he was dating when we were initially dating.  I had no idea.  gulp. I found out.  I backed off.  He decided he wanted to be with me.  We dated three years and got married. Two kids, over 20 years later, still my husband.  My point is, that during the dating phase, they may not be perfect.  If he is trying NOW to be more the man you'd like him to be in order to be with you, I'd say that you should consider giving this a chance. Because he sure seems like he wants it to work from what you write.

I see porn as something a lot of men do find appealing. It's so easy.  Much easier than sex with their actual partner.  They can just get 'it' done.  Too much of it?  Well, that can be a problem if they then have issues being excited enough for sex with their partner (as men are so visual, it's so direct in content that real life doesn't usually have . . . as in, I'm no porn star!) but usually it is fine.  I would say that the actual contact and chatting I'd have a big issue with though. Totally appropriate to bring that to an end.  If he can't, that would be a deal breaker for me. But porn in and of itself, not so much. I also am aware that once you delve into a website, twitter account, etc. you get suggestions for more.  Clearing his history completely will help with that.  

But I think I'd consider that he is a good guy but temporarily misguided. If porn or a highly sexual male is problematic for you? Then this is not the guy.  

I also think that sex addiction is real.  It can be used as an escape or self medicating like any other thing like gambling or shopping.  Ask him about that.  It's worth looking into.

[rosiefiona]

Thank you for taking the time to give your advice and opinion. I think i initially overreacted to finding him watching porn and after speaking to a few friends about it i’ve learned he isnt the only one who has done this. I dont have a problem with porn as much, its more the fact i was right there and he knows id never say no but he preferred to watch other girls instead, it hurts alot and with everything that happened before, him having all these accounts and talking to girls calling them beautiful it really makes me feel like im not enough for him. I guess i just have a big decision to make because he really does try with me and he does a lot more than ive ever seen my friends partners do, for example he has never made me feel like i have overreacted, he is always sorry and he does always try to be better. He is in denial about having an addiction to it but says he would do anything to make me happy like see a therapist.

[rosiefiona]

did you have trust issues with your husband after finding he had a girlfriend in the beginning? do you ever worry now? I feel like i’ll never be able to trust him again.

[specialmom]

I understand how you feel but as I've gotten older, I've thought about this subject.  Sometimes, just porn/masturbation is easier. You don't have to worry about pleasing anyone else, or cuddling after or making them feel used. They can just get the job done.  You can tell him you are always available but sometimes they will still possibly just want to release and be done with that. Hard to do that with our partners.  I do think that the chatting with others and the frequency is worrisome and that I'd talk to him about.  I think that is legitimate. Calling other women beautiful isn't really okay. I'd never for one second put up with that past the beginning stages of a relationship after we've declared ourselves an exclusive couple.  

No, I never had trust issues with my husband after the initial part of our relationship in which I wasn't the only one.  

I think you need to talk to him more.  I would not get upset about porn unless it is like 12 times a day and you are calling him to dinner and he's locked in the bathroom or he starts refusing sex with you. But I would tell him that the personal communication is unacceptable (and it is when you are in a monogamous relationship.  Just make sure you both are on the same page about what type of relationship you are having and that it isn't 'too soon' to expect him to be completely faithful.  Some people start planning a wedding after a couple of months without buy in from the other person . . .  But you can expect him to stop his convo with other women, over flirting, talking sexually or whatever it is.  I am with you 100 percent on that. And if he won't, then he's not ready to be in a relationship.

[auntiejessi]

You need someone who doesn't watch porn obsessively - and watching it while you are in the next room is obsessive. For you, your partner liking other women's photos on social media is disrespectful. Having several different social media accounts to follow/comment/masturbate to other women is upsetting for you.

You came into this relationship with trust issues. It's not on him to fix those, but he's not doing anything to earn your trust.

What he did when you were broken up is not your business. What he did when you were together is. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about porn, Only Fans, etc. What matters is that you feel disrespected and lied to.

Whatever else in the relationship that makes it special doesn't matter. This is wearing you down, and eroding your self-esteem. Annie said exactly what I was going to say - when someone shows you who they are, believe it.

You need to figure out why you are putting up with this. It's not healthy. You deserve better.

[auntiejessi]

Before anyone comments - "watching it while you are in the next room is obsessive" - I mean watching it while you are in the next room and running to the bathroom for a quick wank all the time is obsessive. If this were occasional, I suspect it wouldn't be an issue for you, or him, or anyone.

[AnnieBrooke]

It's been months of his crappy behavior and he hasn't changed. What makes you think he will change? He sounds like part of the fun for him is getting you to believe him over and over again. Like it's a power trip.

If you haven't heard this saying before, "When someone shows you who he is, believe it the first time."
Stand up for yourself. You will never get mentally healthy about men if you put up with someone who lies to you all the time.

[Paxiled]

Let me just say so there's a guy's perspective here, it's estimated that the average younger guy (and maybe older ones as well) think about sex a whole lot every day.  Looking at pictures of women doesn't mean one is masturbating to them.  Might be, might not be.  He might be doing it out of habit.  He might be doing it to get turned on for you.  People are odd.  We're all different.  And when it comes to sex, we're all pretty obsessive.  Here's what I find disturbing, and that's the guy getting accused of being dishonest because he doesn't tell his girlfriend he likes to look at naked women or scantily clad women (who doesn't, I mean, seriously, there's a reason even female newscasters wear provocative clothing, anyone who claims they don't enjoy being perceived as sexy is lying) yet nobody says to the poster, hey, who gave you the right to look at someone else's internet history without permission?  That's also pretty obsessive.  I would agree with one thing:  if this bothers the poster, then this relationship isn't going to work.  Doesn't matter if his behavior is normal, weird, whatever, if the poster doesn't like it it's not going to get any more likable with time.  This is a relationship issue.  One does have to respect the person one is with, has to like that person, and if this behavior is that disturbing, then again, this relationship isn't going to work whether or not this guy is just really into getting turned on more than most or just enjoys a good photo of an attractive woman.  We are never going to eliminate sexual thoughts and aspirations, but most of us don't choose our partners that way, we choose our fantasies that way.  It's great if your fantasies match up but I'm guessing that almost never happens.  We learn to compromise if the relationship is worth it up to our limits.  It's never completely mutual.  So folks, I agree, this relationship is doomed because she feels so strongly about it and he feels just as strongly that he likes to do what he does, and I'll also say, this is a problem with the internet age, this stuff is just too easily available, but I hate to say this but my wife, who I have been with for a really long time, is nowhere close in physical attraction to virtually every other relationship I've been in and not a day goes by I don't see someone who is more sexually arousing to me.  But that's really not the point of a strong relationship, sex is sex and love is something completely different.  Now, do I ever look at porn?  Not really.  I have, but not much.  Never found it appealing.  Do I look at photos of scantily clad women?  You bet.  Do I tell my wife?  You bet I don't.  Peace.

[Paxiled]

And let me add, my wife is really into looking at well-built guys.  Works both ways.  Sex is complicated, folks.

[rosiefiona]

thank you for your advice and opinion and i respect your point of view, however I have been in previous relationships where i haven't been as attracted to the person and i feel like it just never works, i’d never want to be in a relationship like that ag

[rosiefiona]

again* i think its normal to look at other people but theres a line. I honestly feel like your wife would be devastated to hear that you feel this way.

[Paxiled]

She knows, and she isn't.  She's a very secure person.  I'm a much less secure person, and you are also a much less secure person.  We have to take others as they are, but we also have to be honest with who we are.  I do agree, though, there is a line.  Cheating for me is a deal breaker.  Can't deal with it, so if it isn't serious, I'd rather not know.  Been there too many times.  But I wouldn't honestly enjoy being with someone who had lost their sexual interest and if you have that it's never going to be confined to one person.  Now, I'm an older guy, and by the time I met my wife we had both been through the wars. She was divorced.  I had several relationships that didn't work out.  What we were looking for at that point in our lives was a lot different than what we were looking for when we were younger.  What I've learned, though, in not getting married until I was in my fifties is that because of that I had a lot of serious relationships in my life and not one of them had an equal amount of sexual attraction.  Either they were more attracted to me than I was to them or vice versa.  And when we grow old, some of us get very unattractive, and others of us don't.  Life just does that to us.  None of us looks as good in our sixties as we did in our twenties.  But we don't ever lose our lust for those younger looking bodies we used to have, and so other things either take their place or sex disappears.  Which is why I repeat, sex and love are not the same thing.  Peace.