Avatar universal

How do I handle this situation?

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We have a baby girl together now. I have my own children, 2 girls and so does he, 2 boys. Both have custody fulltime around the same ages. My problem is we don't parent the same and I'm not allowed to parent his kids.. My boyfriend's son is 8. Huge issues.. The last year his behavior has been getting much worse that I can't stand it and now resent and hate him. I moved my children and I out of the house because it got so bad. His son hurts my children and was taking naked pictures of them. He bullies my kids. He points toy guns at them and tells them they're going to die or be killed. He laughs when we fight. He gets the other kids in trouble or the dogs then finds it funny. The kid poops and pees his pants,  wipes it on things. The whole house stinks. So much more to list. I know terrible things happened to his kid but now he is doing things to my kids and I didn't want him doing it to our baby. My boyfriend does nothing to get him professional help or place rules or boundaries, no consequences ever. He is his favorite kid and can do whatever he wants. All they both do is play video games the shooting ones all night yelling and screaming at the TV that I had to hide in the bedroom and so did my kids. I eventually left. I told my boyfriend without him getting counseling and his kids counseling I would not return. He just blows me off and acts like we're going to have a great future together for our baby. That his son is better now that we're gone. But he keeps begging me to stay with him and that he loves me. I'm sure he does but he won't change his son behavior or his parenting. I've been direct with how I feel and addressed the problem. I also feel guilty for my feelings. I know I can't live with his son or have him around my kids. It's hard to break that tie with him because of our baby and I don't want the courts to get mad I left my boyfriend with my baby over this situation. There is no court custody on our baby. I have 3 little girls to protect and even when I tell him I don't like his son he just thinks we will be fine. I don't know what to do now or how to move on? It is impossible to co parent with him and he doesn't understand that I won't come back because of his kid. Has anyone else gone through something similar?
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13167 tn?1327194124
This is such a difficult situation.  I think it's highly likely that it's true that he behaves better now that you and your children are out of the house,  and that he behaves fine at school.  Children in unstable home situations are very motivated to protect their "turf",  and he may be purposely acting out to get you and the new baby to leave,  and secure his father's attentions for himself and his brother.  That's a very common dynamic in children.  

Do you have the resources - income and childcare - to raise your 3 daughters by yourself without him?
Helpful - 0
Smearing feces around the house is one of the known symptoms of children going through traumatic situation. I feel like the two of you moved in way too fast and didn't give this boy enough time to adapt to the whole ordeal. I believe he behaved erratically on purpose to drive you out of the house and succeeded. People think children are too pure to plot something like this, but trust me they're highly manipulative.
Now the reason he is being like this is either he feels like you're taking his best bud - his dad, away from him and now with a new baby you have stronger foothold in the household, or he feels attachment to his mom and thinks you're ruining their chances of getting back together.
Your ex is showing the exact symptoms of a guilty parent. He feels that he did wrong by his son for bringing a new wife into the house so he thinks the kid's behaviour is justified. He also thinks his kids are special and need no counseling. Oh how many such people I know.
Now, this is just my personal opinion,but I feel like you two brought a new baby into this unstable situation pretty fast. You shouldn't have tried for another child until you clarified the situation with existing ones. Also a little "how would you feel about a new baby sister/brother" talk with your kids may help feel a pulse on the whole thing before bringing a huge responsibility like a new baby. Again my person thinking, you do whatever you feel is best (although we can agree that it wasn't the best idea, now).
Now what I think what you should do. Stay away. If your husband is so blindsided by whatever it is not to see his child is ruining his family and needs serious help, then I think he's just as dumb about other real life issues. I can only assume that because of this boy he's neglecting the other boy and that poor thing is gonna feel improper his entire life having an abusive sibling, one parent who doesn't care and other who's not even present.
And lastly I don't think you should expect too much from their biological mother. Women who lose custody completely to the point that father gets full custody have done something seriously wrong in eyes of the court. And the way you wrote her saying she's scared of her ex, you never said he's abusive or anything for her to be scared of, seems to me she simply doesn't give a flying f***, or wants any of the baggage. She's probably even scared that you want her to take the kids and she wants none of the responsibility. She's a lost cause.
Just, leave him, I think he does love you but not enough to try and make you feel comfortable in that house. If he really does and really feels you two shoud grow old together he'll come to his senses. If not sue for child support and deny him to have the baby at his house, because the way it's heading I wouldn't be surprised he sexually assaults your child in the future. You should also ask your daughters if he did anything sexually malicious with them as well.
Avatar universal
You have moved out and need to stay that way - you do have a job. This kid is showing signs of being a problem to society down the road. If it’s not too late gather evidence of abuse - pics, bruises, recordings - to show as evidence that your children are not safe in his company.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
You said the guy has two children. How is the mental health of the other boy? Have you ever talked to the 8-year-old's mother about what is going on? I wouldn't be an ostrich about this, a child's life is being ruined, and of course your own kids' lives would be ruined if you would stay. I'd see what can be done through a social worker or social services to help the man understand his son has huge troubles and get some help. It's not illegal for you to remove a baby from an unsafe environment. But you may sooner or later need witnesses to what has been happening, and it would be a good idea to write up a record of everything that happens, so you can show your reasons that you took your baby and kids and left. If the boy is 8, has he been evaluated at school? Have you ever spoken to a school counselor about what is going on? Somewhere, you have to find help.
Helpful - 0
In your shoes, I'd call a local women's shelter and tell them you need legal advice. What I said only scratches the surface. You need to protect the fact that you made the move with the baby (which, it's not illegal to move a child for her own protection and you would be liable if you didn't rather than liable if you did, but it's good to talk to a lawyer or paralegal about what you need to do to protect your actions). And you need to find out what practical things you can do (such as talk to the boy's mother) to try to get the boy some help, and you also need to be concerned about the safety of the other child who is not the one acting up but is being left in the house with the smeared feces, etc. The man you have been living with is almost a hopeless cause, don't let him even say to you once more that you should come live with him and everything will be fine. He is a negligent parent. Like, world-class negligent parent. Don't help him by being silent and especially, don't sacrifice the kids by being silent. Ask for help from the women's shelter and see if they can refer you to a lawyer or childten's service that can help you.
The boys mother won't get involved or help as she is afraid of the father
Both won't do anything. My boyfriend's mother is aware of it and trying to do something. There are reports through DFS and CPS and nothing is being done. The mother of the younger boy is in the works with the lawyer to get him back and out of the house. I've talked to counselors and doctors about the situation but I have no rights to his kids so he can't receive help if his parents won't get it for him. He is fine at school and doesn't have issues there. I have fought with him so much that he won't acknowledge it or do anything so I had to leave. But it seems no one will get involved. My boyfriend is so hostile towards DFS and law enforcement that they have told me and the other boys mother that they will avoid him because there isn't proof. I have been told it's my word against his if it ever goes to court. I have everything written down that has happened. The only good thing that may do anything is this mother taking him to court for neglect on her child if anything does get done. She has been trying for months. But there isn't much I can do. He won't leave me alone and if I stop talking to him or anything he threatens to take me to court and take custody of my baby because he got his other kids from their mom's. My kids are in counseling and I'm trying to find someone for myself as well. The boy is smart and knows when to act out and when not to...school being one place not to. The worse thing is I'm a teacher and will get in trouble if I would have stayed and my ex was going to try to take my kids if I didn't leave. I'm just afraid for myself and my kids for the future and the possibility of him getting angry and taking my baby. He knows how to manipulate people and he did it twice in court. His son has learned all this behavior. Everything has been showing the last year. But you are right I need to get legal advice.
See if there is some legal help available to teachers in your school district. Also, make and keep as many records of what is happening as possible. Film the state of the household, if you are ever there again, and tape the kid being abusive, if you are still around. Don't let the dad bluff you about "taking away your child," all he is doing then is leading you around by the nose. If you can't get legal help through your school system, hire your own lawyer and tell him or her exactly what is going on. And don't wait, and don't go back to the guy.
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