How to Be ME again?

[gomemi]

Hi,
Lately I have been feeling very empty inside me. I feel very sad, I have been drinking some wine and tears just go down. I pretty much feel that what happened to me throughout High School, had me have a very pessimistic way of looking at people and meeting them. I used to live in quebec, then moved to ontario. The change was cool, I was excited. Then before starting gr 8 I was abbused by some idiot guy. So as I started gr 8, things were good, I didnt let it bug me. I had so much attention from people, everyone wanted to talk to me, be my friend. etc. I felt confident, but I would completly ignore guys, and would only talk to girls. Till people started making rumors about me, from gr 8 till 12. Such as me being gay, a player, a snob, a loser, a rich kid, thought i owned everything and everyone. When in fact i never felt like i was any of thoses. I was just very prived and didnt want to make too much story about me. Throughout my entire life in high school, I just wanted people to like me, and be cool to me. All the guys hated me because all the girls would talk good things about me. And that really made me not want to ever be associated with my own gender. I constantly felt the grief i had from my past, and always looked at guys with no interest what so ever. I was plain and white. No emotions. So all in all, I became a guy more feminin.... i guess. I always had the newest clothing from the stores, i would match everything together, everything had to be organized. So much that when i look back i feel like i was such a fake person. I looked at my graduation garden party, urgk. fake smile, I dont give a **** about no one. Tho they all backstabbed me well, and I always would hear what they had said. Im more changed now after a year from being off high school. I still have my organized, well planned life. I get crazy and busy, depressed, mental sometimes. But now, I dont have emotions with no one. I have abstracted myself from all my friends, I dont even want to call my friends, i feel like they dont even like me. And I dont really care. but I cant even talk to new people. I dont know if I want people to know me. I sometimes want to live in a forest where only animals surround me! Am I becoming some kind of animal? with no social skills? How can I make peace with guys? How can I have guy friends? I know im not gay anymore. I tried, to know, if i was gay, and it turned me off... I tried with a girl, it was more interesting, i liked it alot.. but it didnt work out with her, cuz she was too different from me. I dont know my identity anymore. Im so lost. Please help me, i think im in a mid life crissis, where nothing works anymore. How can I confront theses things in my mind or something else? Please help me get through this.

[imanaddict]

I still highly recommend talking with a professional. You can say as much or as little as you want. No one will be able to love you until you truly love yourself. You have to get past the things that have been weighing you down in order to move forward.

I have had things happen to me in my younger years that I never thought I could get through. I was raped (twice actually) and I went down a destructive path for years and years with drugs, alcohol and abusive relationships. I finally sought help and it turned my life around. I finally found "me" again and was happy with who I was/am. I've never been happier, and I know you will be too again!

[gomemi]

Well days are getting better, I've been feeling better theses couples of days. I think what I wanna do now, is to flip the page, and get a new album. Im starting to believe that the friends i have now, arent friends. They have all backstabbed me and never showed me they were true friends. I put way too much trust in them and part of it is my fault. But I think that ill live my life and learn from it. Even if things have crossed my way and turned me down and made me feel so wantless of this world. Its hard to go see a pshychiatrist and have to explain everything all over again and try to find some kind of reason. I want to burn the pages that made me feel so angry and I want to be able to speak with people in a normal way. And thats me being who I am and not pretending to be someone else. So pretty much I have decided that I have plans for my future, and thoses are the things ill want to achieve. Hopefully finding a person who can love me as much as I could love them. Finding that girl i can look in the eyes and find that spark and not have it fade away after time. Its just finding that person that is so hard, and having to believe she exists. hahah. Im ready to move on, and whatever happened to me in the past with that Idiot ( which i dreamed i was sufficating him and killing him in my dream. I litteraly felt anger and rage in my vains, in my dream. It was odd... but somewhat its making me move on. Still very angry and wishing I could punch him one day, but not sure if its worth the time.) is the past and theres absolutely nothing i can do now. But to move on! Im taking one step at a time, Im acctually going to brazil now to explore for a year, make new friends, make a new life. Im excited to see whats going to bring me and how its going to make me feel. Thanks to everyone who is supporting me. I appreciate it alot.

[collette555]

I felt lost after high school also.  I didn't seem to connect with my old friends or new ones as you say.  You may be in a depression.  That can be helped by professionals.  For me, getting involved in some activities helped alot.  I tried bowling on a league for awhile and that helped and I also joined a photography club.  That was a real good way to meet people and conversations are easy.  People are always asking questions and I was able to give them answers,  Find your niche and odds are there will be others like you in the same niche.  Sometimes in depressions the emotions do get turned off.  It is like a protective measure,  But you can resolve that by getting involved once again in life.  You are in the grip of fear now but that can be eliminated in do time with a little courage.  We all experience isolation at some time in our life.  It will pass and life will get gooder and gooder.

[peaceinknowing]

No man and/or his actions against you is worth your life. Please seek professional help with this and conitue to post here on the forum to let us know how everything pans out for you later on down the road. Posting here will help you through more than you'll ever realize right now.

[imanaddict]

I think you need to see a therapist to work on your issues. I have a feeling you buried your emotions after the abuse and built a wall that NO ONE could break down. They are unresolved and need to be addressed if you ever want to have your life back.