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How to control boyfriends anger
My boyfriend and I have been together for years, we took about a year long break though about 6 months ago and then got back together. During that break I was completly miserable with out him. I dont know what to do though because he has a major anger problem and is very hard headed, the smallest things will set him off and when you set him off he goes crazy. He has never physically done anything but he screams at me, no matter where we are, he has caused many public scenes, he also completely belittles me saying "are you f**cking stupid?" and other things. I can't even try to put in my idea of why I am not happy with whatever just happened because he automatically directs it back to me and says YOU did this and YOU did that. When I try to make things okay and tell him just to calm down I get the exact opposite effect. He normally hurts me enough to where I cry or when I say you are really hurting my feelings and then his response to that is normally for me to "go have a f**cking pity party" I know it seems like the answer would be to get out of the relationship, but he spent 12 months in Iraq and I think that has a lot to do with his anger. We have been through a lot together and I love him to death and was miserable without him. What do I do? Am I doing something wrong or is that just what he always makes me believe? What can I do to get him to listen and not talk to me so bad?
You should not have to demand to be treated like a human being. You should not have to put up with anyone telling you that you are at fault for their actions, nor should anyone have to put up with being called names or embarrassed in public. It is control and he does it cause he can and it makes you be the bad guy and he can play the victime. He only cares about himself and is not capable of truly loving anyone. If you stay with him you are telling him in no uncertain terms that it is ok to embarrass, scream, degrade you, blame you and humiliate you and make you feel like a worthless piece of ****. Maybe I live on a different planet than most, but could someone tell me how they get love out of that description? The only time he is happy is when things are going 100% his way and you are miserable (which to him is a sign of his success). Lose the loser before you lose thyself!
I think he mainly does this because you let him. By saying that, I'm not blaming it on you. I mostly agree with Jo. You can't help him, there is nothing you can do. You should demand respect from him. Honestly, if I was in your situation, I would try to find someone else. He is just gonna keep yelling and one day it might ever come to the point where he hits or punches you. I know you may feel miserable without him, but he is just adding stress onto your life. Just try and look at the positives of not being with him. The more he yells at you, the more it's gonna hurt you and lower your self esteem. You might start thinking that you really have something wrong with you or that your stupid, but you're not. He is just gonna keep making you wanna believe it more. I wish you the best of luck with whatever choice you make!
Look up the term narcisist and then pack your bags and get out of the relationship. He has not hit you yet, but he will!
And him using being in Iraq as an excuse is LAME. I know quite a few guys who have done 5, 6, 7 tours over there and have seen things that made me cry when I heard about them. They don't treat their SO's and family like your bf does.
You can't help him. Only professionals can. He needs help and you need to leave him until he gets help and proves he has his anger issues under control. He also may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which only a professional can help with.....NOT you. If this continues he WILL get physically violent with you......I GUARANTEE it.
I don't care if he fought in WWII. The man has anger issues and it will be just a matter of time, before he will become violent with you. It's ok to love with all your heart and your soul the way you are loving him, but he is not loving you back and war has harden his heart to where he can become dangerously violent.
Also, your "love" emotion can be very debilitating. This is what I see when I read your posting:
* Unstable relationship (when you take brakes away from each other, it's unstabled)
* Bf behavior: Major anger/rage problems, hard headed, easily angered (walking time
bomb)
* Verbally abusive (even in public, calls you names, like stupid, makes you cry)
* Affecting your self esteem & controlling
* Uses reverse psycology on you.
If you were to marry this man, your life would be in danger. He is a walking time bomb and unfortunately, you are his punching bag.
True love is simple and shouldn't hurt. Unfortunately, you can't control him or his behavior, BUT you CAN control YOU!
It's really important, and please listen to all of us, that although you are deeply in love with this man, you have to let him go or plain and simple, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME WHERE HE WILL GET PHYSICALLY VIOLENT and God forbid, even kill you.
Let him go immediate. He needs war or trauma counseling from the VA. This is beyond you at this point, but you must pick up your self respect, life and control and leave him and do not look back. We will help you with the emotional affect of the break up, but he is damanged good and if you don't leave him, he is going to either harm you or kill you in the long run. Good luck
Also, your "love" emotion can be very debilitating. This is what I see when I read your posting:
* Unstable relationship (when you take brakes away from each other, it's unstabled)
* Bf behavior: Major anger/rage problems, hard headed, easily angered (walking time
bomb)
* Verbally abusive (even in public, calls you names, like stupid, makes you cry)
* Affecting your self esteem & controlling
* Uses reverse psycology on you.
If you were to marry this man, your life would be in danger. He is a walking time bomb and unfortunately, you are his punching bag.
True love is simple and shouldn't hurt. Unfortunately, you can't control him or his behavior, BUT you CAN control YOU!
It's really important, and please listen to all of us, that although you are deeply in love with this man, you have to let him go or plain and simple, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME WHERE HE WILL GET PHYSICALLY VIOLENT and God forbid, even kill you.
Let him go immediate. He needs war or trauma counseling from the VA. This is beyond you at this point, but you must pick up your self respect, life and control and leave him and do not look back. We will help you with the emotional affect of the break up, but he is damanged good and if you don't leave him, he is going to either harm you or kill you in the long run. Good luck
Take it from me, you cant change a man, there too stupid! They don't know what they have until its gone, and then its to late! I can garuntee that if you stay with this man for much longer you will be to one suffering, depression will lead to a miserably life. I know Im going throught it thanks to my ex! Now, my ex wasn't abusive, but like iambutterfly he used mind games, mad me feel bad about things he did, made me be the one to give in and say sorry, he was a stubborn fecker.. I always caved in, If I didn't we wouldn speak for days until eventually I would make contact! Oh and he cheated with his ex!! Can safely say he ruined my life :( .. But the sad part is, I left him do it! I never stuck up for me, I blame myself.... He would prefer to be with friends than me, when ever I called over he would spend his time on the computer barely noticing I was there!
You really need to open your eyes, I did and 7 weeks ago ended it! And yes it is hard, jus last night I was out drinking and was tempted to text him, so I gave my phone to my friend so I wouldn make contact! Aparently time is a great healer, Im still healing but I am ready to be my own person!!!
Move on for your own sake, he wont ever change!
You really need to open your eyes, I did and 7 weeks ago ended it! And yes it is hard, jus last night I was out drinking and was tempted to text him, so I gave my phone to my friend so I wouldn make contact! Aparently time is a great healer, Im still healing but I am ready to be my own person!!!
Move on for your own sake, he wont ever change!
There is nothing you can do to help him, also he treats you this way because you let him, you should demand respect, and from this post he has no respect for you, some men like to control, and he sounds like one of those, you would probably be much happier leaving, as you are not married, amd not likely to be, if you have been together this long and no ,marriage, where is your pride, tell him you will not put up with this kind of behavior luck jo
A year ago, I dated a man whose behavior was very similar to that of your boyfriend's.
I witnessed embarrassing public outbursts; road rage; hysterical over-reactions with
the least provocation; mean-spirited frustration; venomous verbal abuse ...etc.
But, he never used profanity with me. He did, however, use a lot of emotional manipulation and played mind games. It didn't take long for me to realize that this man had serious, deeply rooted mental and behavioral problems.
But, they were his problems; and they were issues that were well beyond my ability to fix them. Such fixes or changes must come from within that individual, coupled with intensive psychological counseling. It's up to him to acknowledge his problems and seek therapy/ anger management.
Unfortunately, there's not much that you can do because you can't change him.
Not even your love will change him. And, while his time in Iraq might explain a measure of his hostility; it doesn't excuse it. For yourself, you would best by seriously considering whether you want to spend more time being in harms way with this individual... because your time with him will wear you down spiritually and emotionally and will leave you feeling battered and abused as each day progresses. You may also want to consider seeking counseling for yourself, especially if you decide to stay in this harmful relationship. But, my advice to you is to "get out" because things will get worse, especially if he doesn't look for help. Good luck.
I witnessed embarrassing public outbursts; road rage; hysterical over-reactions with
the least provocation; mean-spirited frustration; venomous verbal abuse ...etc.
But, he never used profanity with me. He did, however, use a lot of emotional manipulation and played mind games. It didn't take long for me to realize that this man had serious, deeply rooted mental and behavioral problems.
But, they were his problems; and they were issues that were well beyond my ability to fix them. Such fixes or changes must come from within that individual, coupled with intensive psychological counseling. It's up to him to acknowledge his problems and seek therapy/ anger management.
Unfortunately, there's not much that you can do because you can't change him.
Not even your love will change him. And, while his time in Iraq might explain a measure of his hostility; it doesn't excuse it. For yourself, you would best by seriously considering whether you want to spend more time being in harms way with this individual... because your time with him will wear you down spiritually and emotionally and will leave you feeling battered and abused as each day progresses. You may also want to consider seeking counseling for yourself, especially if you decide to stay in this harmful relationship. But, my advice to you is to "get out" because things will get worse, especially if he doesn't look for help. Good luck.
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