How to help my anxiety ridden teen

[gidget426]

My 15 year old son is diagnosed ADHD and Generalized Anxiety disorder. He was mis diagnosed as a child with Aspergers.But at age 11 after much testing we seem to have gotten him the treatment he needs. He is a exceptional athlete and musician and thrives at doing his best. He is a freshman and played Varsity, soccer, basketball and now baseball. He started and currently starts over a group of seniors and juniors and they have accepted him and do not give him a hard time. They tell me he has earned his position and they encourage him every step of the way. The situation is the coach is really hard on all of them. He is all about winning. My son plays second base and pitches. So far has the best batting average and most strike outs. But one game he missed a ball at second. He said the coach was all over him. We told him it was ok everyone does it once in a while. He had 8 strike outs that game before he moved to second base. The next game he slid home and broke a bone in his hand.The orthopedic doc said he could pitch but not bat. I was at work and a friend text me told me he was batting. the next day we were back at the doctor, the hand was black and swollen. ( Break is in middle finger- ligament pulled a piece of bone away) Now he is out for 2 weeks. Been 1 1/2 already. Our starting pitcher is out with flu - coach is all over my son because he can't pitch and now they are hurting. Josh was up all night vomiting last night. head ache this morning, does not want to go the school so that way he does not have to go to game. We have spoken with the coach and he said he is no harder on him then any of the others

[Nighthawk61]

Precisely, which is why i think it's unconscionable that a coach would ask a kid to play when he's been told not to. Maybe i'm missing something, like the coach was not aware of the doctor's orders? But if he was in the know, as he should have been,  and he is trying to manipulate a child to play anyway, i think it's a duty to let their boss in on it, so that other kids are not put in the same position. That would be in conjunction of course, with using this as an opportunity to teach a child to speak up and stay on target about looking after their own health and standing up to manipulative people in their lives that don't have your back. I think your son's a lucky kid to have you as a mom. Keep up the good work.  

[AnnieBrooke]

gidget, when my sister broke a bone in her hand during martial arts, she was told by her doctor that if you play on a broken bone and it gets worse, it can be a permanent injury.  If the break is in the area of the little finger, not so much, but the further toward the thumb it is, the more likely permanent damage can result from not letting it heal.  Please talk to your son's doctor and find out if this injury is in that category.  Sports at this age is not worth crippling his hand.

[clement4now]

That's excellent that you've made an appointment for your son in May ~ that was a very smart move on your part!
I think you're definitely on the right path with your thoughts about the growth spurt & med check. Often, during an ADHD'ers childhood and teen years their med dosage and therapy sessions need to be re-adjusted because of all the changes their bodies/minds go through...

I'm a parent of a teenage son who has ADHD & GAD, and I also have ADHD. From my experience as a parent and an adult who manages personal ADHD, I can honestly say that it is a daily 'challenge' to maintain focus and temperament. Life can be intense for someone with ADHD, even with meds.and therapy. One way to describe it is like having the volume turned on at level 10 all the time, when everyone else is hearing noise at level 2 or 3.  Now add stress to that, and the situation can become explosive!  Your son doesn't mean to blow up at you; it's just his way of communicating to you that he is stressed out...

By nature, people with ADHD are usually over-achievers with excessive amounts of energy ~ which isn't a bad thing. Here's the problem though; running on overdrive all day has it's drawbacks, one of them can be anxiety. The other signs can often be irritability and frustration. Therapy can teach ADHD'ers how to use certain tools as coping skills when anxiety rears it's ugly head ~ self calming is one of them...

It is so essential for people who have ADHD, to take time each day to decompress without any pressure on them to 'perform'. Sometimes we just need a little more space than the average 'normal' person. Often, as a parent of an ADHD kid, you have to be the one who 'pumps the breaks' on activities because an ADHD'er can run themselves into the ground without realizing it. Sometimes you just have to dial things back a bit, it can make a big difference in their behavior...  

I think it's awesome that you are a proactive parent, and I applaud you for taking a stand on your son's behalf. I also think that NightHawk and specialmom  made some very good points in this thread regarding your son's coach and parenting...

You'll get through this, and things will get better :)

[specialmom]

It's very hard as a parent to know the line between advocating and overstepping taking away a developing teens ability to make choices and problem solve.  This was also a teachable moment for your son.  HE needs to develop his ability to say no, I'm not supposed to bat.  And to learn to deal with difficult personalities in coaches, teachers, etc.  I know this is hard.  I'm a parent that steps in probably way too much myself.  We've worked with a counselor and while it is our desire to 'fix' things---  we also need to allow our kids to 'fix' things themselves.  You won't be there when he is 25 and his boss is a tyrant asking him to do unreasonable work requests.  You can't meet with his bosses wife and share your feelings or how your son feels.  :>)  I think I'd concentrate on therapy for your son to learn his OWN techniques to overcome anxiety and deal with issues.

I know with my sensory son, I really want to protect and solve it all for him.  I feel he needs me.  BUT, I also understand big picture.  He has to learn to navigate difficult situations himself.  

You are on tract when you say that you want your son to develop skills needed to interact with difficult people.  That's the key to parenting in a direction that leads to well adjusted, capable adults.  good luck

[gidget426]

Thank you. You are right. Now I just have to get my husband to realize when he is stressed not to add to it. The doctor told me it is like a  bottle of soda that has been jarred and shaken all day. Once you take the top off it explodes. That is our son, he has developed the ability to make it through the school day and his games without loosing his cool but once he is home and in a place he feels safe he unleashes. Unfortunate for me, I am generally in the line of fire. But I realize it is because he knows that no matter what he says or does, in the end I will still be there for him and love him through it. My husband on the other hand tries to step in and protect me which in turn causes more stress because know they are both verbally attacking one another,  We have been in council ourselves, on how to parent him. My husband hears and agrees but has trouble implementing it into our daily lives. After the matter ( Usually after we end up fighting because I end up protecting our son) he will say he handled it wrong. The thing is once it is all over, the two of them are fine and dandy like nothing ever happened and I am the one who is a wreck.  

[clement4now]

Hi,

Have you spoke with your son's doctor or therapist about his recent stress in regard to the physical symptoms that he is displaying?  You should consider making that your first step in the line of defense for dealing with the anxiety. Speak with the doctor who treats your son for his ADHD/GAD about possibly making changes to his current treatment plan.  Unfortunately, people who live with ADHD and anxiety do not cope with stress like other folks without it do ~ our brains and nervous systems function on overdrive all the time...

Good Luck

[gidget426]

I have, thank you. We have set up an appointment for the beginning of May.  He has had a growth spurt here so I am thinking a med check is in order. I also realized he is preparing for his upcoming Regents exams in school and this too can be a  trigger  for him. We are going to take the weekend and go watch his basket ball team compete in a tourney, do some shopping and dinner then go to a movie. Hoping it will help him relax.

[specialmom]

Hi gadget.  This post really pulls at my heart strings.  I have a son who is now 12 who has had struggles as well.  He was diagnosed as a little guy with a developmental delay, sensory integration disorder.  He's also fairly gifted in many areas.  He's extremely intelligent and truthfully, has about 100 percent in every course he's ever taken thus far.  He does have to work at it---  but makes the effort.  He also plays and participates in many sports and activities.  He's not as 'gifted' athletically as your son but holds his own.  However, anxiety is a beast that he deals with.  Grrr.  Just like your son.  My son has had to overcome disappointment many times though so has that under his belt and has been on a competitive basketball team in which the coach screamed at him, took him out for the smallest error for the rest of the game, etc.  It was rough!  That coach was difficult.

But to me this isn't as much about that---  a tough coach as it is about someone who is willing to endanger your son's well being.  He's had a hand injury.  And I tell you, this can affect many things.  My nephew is an excellent basketball player and was slated to go collegiate but had an injury to his hand that changed everything.  His coach basically told him that the hand injury made him a less skilled player even though he had once been the top dog.  Ouch.  He started and played for JV at that point and still had a good time.  

Your son has a break in his hand.  No amount of cajoling, begging, or harassing should make your son play if the doctor has said he shouldn't.  Period.  

Kids all have to learn to deal with difficult personalities.  That is what I tell my son.  However, I also firmly believe that a sport is Extracurricular.  And if it isn't fun, it's not worth it.  Your son has plenty of activities.  If he drops out of baseball, his spirit and psyche may be better for it.  Part of life is not just dealing with difficult people but also deciding when if its not necessary, we kick them out of our life.  

I'd try to get your son to handle it though as we need to teach our kids to be problem solvers.  This is hard.  I know I want to swoop in and FIX.  

But I DO think that you can let the coach know that he will not be batting or pitching until his hand is better and a doctor has cleared him.  Because a life long injury to make a grumpy coach happy is not worth it.  (and its not).  

I wouldn't go above the coaches head or any of that type of thing.  Just help your son prioritize and judge if a situation is a good one for him mentally or not.  And if he is as good as you say he is and the other kids see that and other coaches and athletic director, they'll get in touch again.  Don't worry.  And your son may or may not want to be involved.  

wishing you luck.  My son's anxiety bothers me very much.  hugs

[gidget426]

Thank you. I had a long talk with the coaches wife. Come to find out their eldest son also suffers from anxiety. He is now in college. She talked with her husband and then they called us. It has been decided that he will talk to my son in the next few days about having my son let him know on a scale of 1-10 how anxious he is feeling,and same scale on how coach is making him feel. Now the excuse on why they made him bat was bc they were short players. Told him it was unacceptable and of course he would agree to bat bc he did not want to disappoint the team. Not to sure how it will all play out but told him my son is my first priority not the team. But I also want my son to develope the skills needed  interact with people he feels are difficult.

[gidget426]

Thank you. He has overcome a lot. Hasn't always been easy.we had to learn how to parent him much different then our older 3. Just breaks my heart to see him suffering. Yet, I know the coach is not targeting him. I believe he is to hot headed at times but then again, a lot of people are. My one son plays division 1 basketball and his coach makes this one look like a saint
I pray my youngest , overtime developes the ability to handle how others may treat him even if he believes it is unkind

[Nighthawk61]

I would talk to the school administration and bring up your concerns. Every body has a boss, this guy needs a good talking to from his. Congrats of having such a wonderful son. He has it made , with a mom like you.