How to know you are healthy again after being in an abusive relationship

[Lonlygrl]

So, I was dating someone who I had an abortion with for a year and a half. He was very violent with me at times (pulling my hair, punching me in the stomach, force me to give him oral sex etc) and was very controlling (isolated me, made me feel ****** everyday etc) I finally had enough and left him even though he threatens to tell my parents about the abortion. I'm overseas right now and I go back tomorrow. I haven't said a word to him for more than a month now but I'm afraid he will keep stalking me when I come back. I finally made some new friends and I am talking to someone else that I really like but I want to make sure I am healthy again. What are some tips to go back my confident and happy self and stay like that? I'm happy a lot of times right now but I'm afraid I will go back to being depressed when I go back for my last year of university. Please send me all the support you can.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I think "hanging out" is fine.

I want to tell You another personal story.
I had the the Deepest, most Meaningful FriendShip with the Best Friend I have ever had - for seven YEARS!!   When We first met We had Both just come from very hurtful marriages and We were not looking to "get involved" again.  We spent MUCH quality time together (strictly platonic) and one day (to Our surprise) We (7 years later) realized that Our FriendShip had become Love.  All who knew Us could not have been more surprised at the turn in Our Relationship than were He and I!!  On August 17th of this year We celebrated our 29th HoneyMoon!!  These have been the most wonderful years of my life!!

We like to say:  "TRUE Love Is When a FriendShip is Set on Fire!!'

So, have Your friendship, just don't rush anything.  When, and if, anything more is meant to come, it will.  In the meantime, continue making Your Heart and Soul well, healthy and strong again.  You and the next relationship will benefit from all You learn about YourSelf.

Good Luck to You.

[Lonlygrl]

Wow that is really deep! Hopefully with counselling I can get over being self conscious and feeling like a victim. Although the new guy I'm talking to understand that I'm not ready for a relationship, he wants to come visit me in October from California. Do you think this is too soon for us to hang out?

[Lonlygrl]

Thank you so much for that advice! I think self defence courses will be an excellent idea!

[TTinKKerBBell]

I think SpecialMom gave You excellent advice.

I think it's okay to talk with the guy You are presently talking to - it sounds like You and He both are on the right track in realizing You are not looking for a relationship anytime soon.

And of course, counseling is an excellent plan.  You and the counselor can decide how often You should attend.

In my own situation:  I quit BEING a victim when I quit SEEING myself as a victim.   Add to that all the healthy considerations You are making now and I think You will be good to go!!

Good Luck

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also. Its a truly terrible feeling to be helpless and unable to defend your self from bullies and i think much of the fear an anxiety stems from that.
If you have some spare time, take up some self defense classes and learn some techniques to fight back. You can build self confidence and its doesnt take much to learn some very simple tactics.

Just because your a female dosent mean you cant kick butt. Most of these bullies really dont know how to fight and any type of specialized defense being introduced will have them running for the hills.

[Lonlygrl]

The very first time ever got rough with me was the same day I found out I was pregnant. Before this, he had a bad attitude and was emotionally abusive but I stayed because I thought everything he was saying about me was right.. And I wanted to prove to him that I was not this bad person he thought I was. Anyhow, you're right about the new guy. I enjoy talking with him and he knows everything that I went through but I'm in no hurry to be in a relationship with him anytime soon. Ill be back to school in a few days and they offer free counselling how often do you think I should go? I want to be as healthy as possible what other things can I do besides therapy?

[specialmom]

Oh, I know it is hard to leave for the final walk out.  I was talking about why you stayed the first . .   FIRST . .  time he got rough with you.  I'm sure there were some early episodes.  This is the kind of deep thoughtful work I'm talking about.  Please don't think I'm blaming you at all.  I certainly am not.  But what I am saying is that not every woman misreads the signs of a bad dude or overlooks red flags.  You have to understand why you did beyond after the abortion and the threats.  You forgave him early on and stayed with him.  I know it is confusing for sure when we have feelings for someone but now you know----  you leave immediately when they raise a hand to you, show you a temper, abuse you sexually, etc.

As to talking to the new guy, well.  I don't know.  Talking never hurts but I'd be honest with him that it isn't a good time for you to date.  And it really isn't at this point.  

You'll be in a better position to date down the road.  Is a therapist something you can make happen to talk about the abuse and how you feel about it?

[Lonlygrl]

Thank you so much for your advice! I agree with everything. I don't want to jump into a new relationship right now but does that mean I should stop talking to the guy I'm currently talking to? And as for why I stayed, it was because he threatened to tell my family and friends that I had an abortion and he would not leave me alone. It was really hard to finally get rid of him.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome!  Well, I'm so pleased to hear that you left someone that hurt you in these different ways.  Unacceptable and bravo to you for getting out.

You ask a really good question and I commend you for your insight.  It is really true that so often when we've been in an abusive relationship, we need to be very careful about any future relationships.  For whatever reason, you didn't leave the first time he hurt you, demeaned you, etc.  You stayed.  Most women would not and be gone at the first hint of that.  so, understanding why you stayed is a good thing to put some thought into.  A therapist is excellent for this!  Sadly, situations like this can repeat but in different ways.  You want to feel really sure of yourself that you won't allow another unhealthy relationship to unfold.

I would tell you to not date presently.  You need time to get over the last relationship, do some soul searching as to how you got into that situation, some time to rediscover the things about yourself that you really love and give you confidence.  Take your time.  You don't need a man in your life. They are nice to have but sometimes when we jump to a new man after a break up, we doom that relationship.  Rebound effect is real.  And again, I'm not sure you've had enough time to really figure out exactly where YOU went wrong last time (in that you stayed . . .  gotta understand why).  

You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders!  I'm really hopeful that you will go on to have a great relationship in the future.  peace