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How to motivate me spouse
I'm only 23 years old and have been with the same man since the month after I turned 18. Over all our relationship is good we have a little girl that he takes excellent care of and most of the time I can talk to him about the things that are bothering me and he'll take it to heart and make a change. There's one thing he can not do to save his life and that is keep a job! He has had several job since I met him, one that paid nearly 1000 dollars a week and another as a supervisor at a company that didn't pay as much but did offer great insurance and long term growth. He has thrown all of them away for petty reasons that make no since to me. I have held job since I was 13 years old because of my mothers disabilities and have held threw out our relationship except while I was pregnant with out daughter and the maternity leave after she was born. I do make enough money to support me and my daughter but not him as well. I need some kind of help from him even if he just gos and works at a fast food restaurant but he's so unmotivated and completely unreliable when it comes to supporting me and our child in this way. I've tried talking, counselling, and even left for 2 months and he still hasn't been motivated to keep any of the number of jobs he's gotten since. He gets two pay checks and quits because the job "wasn't for him". Why can't he understand its ok to look for a job you love as long as you have a job in the mean time to hold us over. Please help!
It's such a pity that this man does not see the relevance of sucking it up even if u dont like it until better comes, the point is that he has a family to support and responsibilities and he needs to get off his butt and realize it. It may just be that he's lazy he likes being at home doing nothing. However, in the event that he truly feels the jobs are not for him (though it doesnt really matter) then ask him what exactly is it that he wants to do. What is he good at? If his skills can enable him to get an immediate job in the field then encourage him to go for it but do not allow himto sit down and depend on u, u already have one baby u don't need another. Stand up to him and tell him that you cannot do this on ur own u need help from him, if he's unwilling well honey get out now while ur young because before u know it the years have gone by and this man still brings nohing to the table. You will be stressed, depressed and ur daughter may suffer for this in the process.
I say this with all respect for you.......you're digging yourself a huge hole. Anyone is a "great guy" when he has no worries. The truth is there is no such thing as a good dad or husband who doesn't work for those he loves. I like the old days when wives were asked what type of work your husband did, not if he worked at all. You and your family deserve far better---your friend, spartan
No he doesn't get any type of benefits or money for being unemployed. Besides paying for food I've left him without any money for anything else but unfortunately when I firmly keep to shutting him out on money his family comes to his "aid"'. I won't even know about it I'll go to work come home and there will be something there I didn't know we had and I'll ask him about it and it's always "my uncle" "my brother" or "my mom (grandma) gave it to me". It's not like he's talking about a bag of chips or a used chess set theses are expensive items and I have taken them on several occasions and pawned them to pay my bills but I'll still come home and find things or go out some place and he'll pull 20 dollars out of his pocket that I could have really used for gas and buy him self some cigarettes. I've told his family a billion times to stop and let him grow up (the longest time he held a job was when no one else had the money or gifts to give him do to financial reasons) but it always does back to him being such a good guy and all the things he's done right and that they love him and can't stop
I'd suggest that part of being a good parent is providing for his family. Financially supporting the family in this day and age is important. It provides the background for all of the other necessary things revolving around being a parent. It provides shelter, food, clothing, all necessary things required to being a good parent. This is about being responsible, and it seems as if he is lacking the ability to be just that, responsible. Absolutely there is far more to being a parent than finances, but it is part of it. If there is not enough money to cover all costs of living, that is irresponsible. You've said it yourself, even a fast food job would help.
You've said you've left for a couple of months and you've tried counseling and talking to him. At this point, what are the chances of him changing? Do you think you are enabling him, perhaps?
Perhaps your husband is suffering from feeling insufficient. There is help for that, but he has to be willing to get that help and follow the program. For the life of me, I could not imagine not working and trying to support my family.
You've said you've left for a couple of months and you've tried counseling and talking to him. At this point, what are the chances of him changing? Do you think you are enabling him, perhaps?
Perhaps your husband is suffering from feeling insufficient. There is help for that, but he has to be willing to get that help and follow the program. For the life of me, I could not imagine not working and trying to support my family.
I agree with the above posters.
It's come to a point where you have to say to him (and mean it) - I will leave if you don't get a job to support your family. If you don't have a job in 2 months (or whatever time frame you pick) you will leave...... and as you already know he CAN get employment...... he has to STAY there, and tell him if he quits again you WILL leave. The only way he can quit a job is if he HAS another better one to leave for!
Yes it will sound harsh......and I know he's a good Dad.... but you cannot go on supporting both your child and an able bodied full grown adult!
Most guys would be embarrased about this and man up and get a job after a few months unemployment... but he's proved he's quite comfortable letting you support the family.
I believe its come to the point where you have 2 options the first being you tell him you WILL leave if he dose not find a job and then follow through if he dosen't OR go on like this and continue to be the only income earner. And it's clear from this post you are over doing that!
Just out of curiosity.... what does he do for money for personal things and entertainment things.... do you give him an 'allowance' or does he get some kind of unemployment benefit? If he does get unemployment - I hope you half ALL the bills (everything from food to electricity bills) and make him give the unemployment money to his half ... that way he'll have NO money for anything extra or enjoyable.... could motivate him to work!
But I still believe its come to giving him the serious ultimatam.
Good luck :-)
It's come to a point where you have to say to him (and mean it) - I will leave if you don't get a job to support your family. If you don't have a job in 2 months (or whatever time frame you pick) you will leave...... and as you already know he CAN get employment...... he has to STAY there, and tell him if he quits again you WILL leave. The only way he can quit a job is if he HAS another better one to leave for!
Yes it will sound harsh......and I know he's a good Dad.... but you cannot go on supporting both your child and an able bodied full grown adult!
Most guys would be embarrased about this and man up and get a job after a few months unemployment... but he's proved he's quite comfortable letting you support the family.
I believe its come to the point where you have 2 options the first being you tell him you WILL leave if he dose not find a job and then follow through if he dosen't OR go on like this and continue to be the only income earner. And it's clear from this post you are over doing that!
Just out of curiosity.... what does he do for money for personal things and entertainment things.... do you give him an 'allowance' or does he get some kind of unemployment benefit? If he does get unemployment - I hope you half ALL the bills (everything from food to electricity bills) and make him give the unemployment money to his half ... that way he'll have NO money for anything extra or enjoyable.... could motivate him to work!
But I still believe its come to giving him the serious ultimatam.
Good luck :-)
He dos do some around the house things while I'm working but not everything and no he doesn't run errands. He dos take immaculate care of our child and that's the one thing that's stopping me from just up and leaving permanently. If he could keep a job I would seriously consider having another child with him because of his parenting skills but I don't want a house wife I want a husband who can pull his equal weight and not leave the income making and book balancing to me. I can't even talk to him about finances without him completely shutting down I've approached it from all angles.
There could be a million reasons why he can't keep a steady job...none of them matter. Here is what does matter----he won't. No matter what anyone says the surest way to show you love your family is to work to support them. I've had 4 spinal fusions, this last hoping it will allow me to work, pain or no pain. Tell him (and mean it) if he won't work you two will have no future except for the government mandated child support. Don't let your child grow up in this environment .....remember: failure breeds more failure. (I mean that only as it pertains to habits). You seem like a good mom..let your child remember this, not dead-beat dad....best hpoes for you.
The thing is, he COULD "keep a job to save his life". He's not motivated to do that - you are willing to provide for him.
It's amazing, really, that he keeps getting hired for these jobs when he is so unreliable. He must "present well" as they say. When he's out of work does he do the stay at home dad thing - take care of the baby, take care of the house, run all the errands, cook, etc.?
It's amazing, really, that he keeps getting hired for these jobs when he is so unreliable. He must "present well" as they say. When he's out of work does he do the stay at home dad thing - take care of the baby, take care of the house, run all the errands, cook, etc.?
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