Hi there. Sorry this is going on.
I guess I was with you until you made the snide comment that he is no comparison to your father. We all love our parents but in no way should you ever have compared him to your dad. You chose him to be your spouse and it sounds like that even early on in your relationship, you created a situation in which your husband felt inferior to your father. I get that you try to control it but also that it is under the surface and you bring it out when you really want to stab your husband in the heart.
If my husband ever made that kind of comparison to his mother and said I was less of a woman than her, I'd really A. think he was insane and B. resent HIM for being such a jerk.
Sorry for the harsh words but that is really just odd to me that this circumstance goes on with you and your husband. When I reverse that to how I'd feel, I'd be super frustrated with YOU for setting up that dynamic.
You really need to own that.
and HIS pent up frustration causes him to chat with your kids. Maybe the truth of your father lies somewhere in between your idea of him and your husbands, I don't know. I do agree that your husband shouldn't bring your kids into it and allow them to come up with their own idea (as you should allow them to do also.) Perhaps your husband feels that you've put your father over him to your sons? Wow, that'd crush my husband. Ya know?
So, you can make this a marital issue but it sounds like that in general, you are under stress right now with one of your kids. Well, both. The one in college and the one with anxiety. Your inclination to put this aside for now seems on target for me and understand that you may be more irritated with him than usual right now because of your worry for your son/s.
Talk calmly to your husband and say that you are sorry for comparing your dad and him (and honestly, that is not cool). That you are both good men that you love. But please don't talk badly about your parents (mom OR dad) to your kids and you'll do the same regarding his parents. Set an appropriate boundary of this with him calmly and try to get through this stressful time. Long term, I'm thinking some counseling would be really helpful for you two. good luck
I think that you are seriously misunderstanding the cultural aspects of this situation. I normally love the advice that you give specialmom but I feel that you are way to harsh on this poor woman. It sounds to me like it was an arranged marriage. Family In Indian culture is way different than American culture. The parents mainly the father even after marriage is regarded very highly. So please take culture into consideration.
With all due respect, the OP's profile says she's from California. It doesn't sound like the cultural issues play as much of a role as they would in the situation you speak of (ie arranged marriages, etc).
Can you elaborate more on the cultural side of your situation? I agree with Drue1026, it could greatly impact our advice based on your family dynamic.