Husband can be mean sometimes

[betty_elms]

I have been married to my husband for 5 years. We have 2 daughters together.  He is a good person, can be extremely loving, but can also be mean and cold.  I am generally happy in our marriage.  We both work hard, and he has never been without a job or been a "freeloader" or anything like that.  He helps with the kids and housework, which is great.

My problem with him is that when he gets mad about something (like something that happened at his work, or generally frustrated) he takes it out on me.  He has never hit me and even touched me in anger.  He does things like tease me in a mean way, accuse me of cheating with other men, act cold and not talk to me, not accept affection from me.  It seems like all his **** rolls downward to me.  I don't want to divorce but I want him to quit acting like this.  He is always apologetic afterward but I feel like the lowest piece of **** on earth when he is acting this way to me.  I already have major self-esteem problems.  I used to be very attractive and even did modeling.  Now that I have had 2 kids I feel like I am overweight (even though I only wear a size 8 I used to be a 2 or 4) and have stretch marks.  I really don't feel like anyone else would ever have me.  He never insults my appearance but I just don't feel like I am worth very much.  

I have tried talking to him about this but he just says he is sorry and it always happens again.  I am not leaving, because I love him and it is against my religious beliefs.  What should I do?

[tsmitti]

I have been with my husband for 10 years. I love him but we have fallen out of love. I sleep on th couch 4 nites a week because he snores. It feels like we are roomates. What can I do to fall back in love?

[sparkeler]

There is no reason he should be putting you down - bad day or not.  That is not an excuse.  Let him know that his remarks are unacceptable.  I would also suggest you look in to therapy for your self esteem issues.  What will help you feel better about yourself?

[slow_healer]

Just a suggestion. Tell your husband that you are having some self-esteem issues, and that his irritability is having negative impacts on you. Tell him he needs to find a better way of getting out his angry/negative feelings without overwhelming you. I think I lot of guys don't realize how personally women tend to take these things.

However, if it doesn't stop, I'd start laying down the law. For instance, after you talk to him and he continues to act the same, get up, say "I will talk to you when you are willing to calm down," and walk out. Address him when he confronts you with this negative behavior. It's possible that he doesn't even realize he's doing it.

[jd1419]

You may need to go to counseling if not with hubby then by your self--talk out your problems and then learn how to cope with them.  As the other posters said is it really him being mean or your taking it the wrong way.  Sometimes I am like this with my hubby and I am mean to him--sometimes you hurt the ones you love due to your frustrations--I am trying to find a way to realease my atttiude from work by the time I get home or be able to give him signal to let him know I am in no mood to converse with him at the moment and to not bother me.  Sometimes it is hard for you have things that need to be said right away.

[PlateletGal]

I think you need to work on your self-esteem. That is a priceless gift that only you can give to yourself.

As far as your husband's temper, RockRose asked a very good question. Are you taking it personally or is he really being mean to you ? Either way, your husband may want to learn techniques to help him with his stress at work. Meditation is just one suggestion I can think of.

[RockRose]

betty - it's kind of hard to tell from your brief post what is going on.

Is he trying to be mean to you,  or is he just in a stressedout/bad frustrated mood.  and you take it personally?   You mention that you have very low self-esteem,  you don't think anyone would want you,  are you just sort of projecting that your hubby is being mean,  when in reality he's kind of immature and doesn't cover his bad moods very well?

What would happen if you said,  "Sounds like you had a bad day,  and I'm going to go do yardwork and clean out the closet and you can come find me if you feel like being together."  And then just walk off calmly.  

Best wishes.