Husband has lied to me repeatedly how can i trust him

[spinningmywheels]

Over the past 30 years my husband has lied to me repeatedly about porn .At times it seemed he was more interested in porn than me .I have been told i am attractive and very fit. I begged him to stop telling him it made me feel worthless and inadequate, but he continued to look at and i would find stashed of magazines and videos (olden days ) hidden in heating vents and other places. He always promised to stop. Most recently i got him humping away on the couch to a video when he told me he was staying up late to watch TV. He has had little interest in me and had to start using viagra although he is very healthy. About a year ago i caught him and he promised to stop. He claims he has and is not addicted and just did not really realize how much it hurt me .I also found out about 6 months ago he had a secret fantasy/obsession for  a young woman (23 years younger than me) who came into his office looking for work .Unbeknownst to me he hired her for odd jobs nad she worked off and on in his office for 4.5 years until i found out about her. I begged him to quit having any communication or relationship with her but he continued sending her emails that i found. At the same time he was telling me he loved me and wanted to trun over a new leaf and such. THe last straw came when we went on a trip where he said we were starting over and 2 days later he sent her an email about turmoil in his life. I lost it and felt like killing myself. On the same day i ended up at hospital he sent the girl a note saying he had been obsessed with her and it was inappropriate and he wanted to save his marriage and he would not ever contact her again. She had nothing to do with his fantasy and looked up to him as a  father figure. He now says he is done with porn and his obsession with her and is committed to our marriage. He has been acting much more loving and into me. But i can not shake the fear that he will lie again and i have a hard time believing things he tells me becasue he has lied so much to me in the past. He claims he is a new man and it took him so long to realize the pain he was causing and he is now working to be a better husband. I want to believe because i do love him but i find myself having panic attacks if some trigger makes me think he is lying (he still had her in his contact list on computer...although no evidence of any emails since he told me he stopped). I have seen a therapist and we went to joint counseling for a while but the people where i live who claim to be marriage therapist really do not seem to have adequate training .We are now trying to do our own therapy by reading articles and such. Can men lie for years and then really change or am a being duped again? .

[Trinkat]

and with her having worked with him for over four years... its hard to believe that nothing happened.  I agree with the comment that he is more than likely still emailing her and deleting the messages.  Absolutely.  Once he deletes them he can clear his history. No one is the wiser.  Many times they make it look like they have discontinued the bad behavior only to continue it in another way, making sure you are oblivious to it.

[Nighthawk61]

Yes, i hope the poster comes back and reconnects.

[specialmom]

Welcome to the forum.  This post isn't 'that' old so hopefully the poster will come back and read your response.  Thanks for trying to help and come back and post some more.  :>)  

[Liarswifee]

Sorry, I don't know how old your post it but I have just read it and want to say that you need to kick your husband out.
If her contact details are still on the computer he is not making enough of an effort and may still be tempted the next time he gets the urge. I think that he has probably still been emailing but deleting the emails, this is very easy for a sneaky person to do.
I know you love your husband but it doesn't sound as if he loves you as much as you need. You'd give up anything for him, right? Nothing is too much for the person you love and their peace of mind. He loves himself and his fantasies far too much to love you. Sorry. There are good men out there but he is not good enough for you. He is making you I'll and unhappy and you can't trust him.

[Liarswifee]

Sorry, I don't know how old your post it but I have just read it and want to say that you need to kick your husband out.
If her contact details are still on the computer he is not making enough of an effort and may still be tempted the next time he gets the urge. I think that he has probably still been emailing but deleting the emails, this is very easy for a sneaky person to do.
I know you love your husband but it doesn't sound as if he loves you as much as you need. You'd give up anything for him, right? Nothing is too much for the person you love and their peace of mind. He loves himself and his fantasies far too much to love you. Sorry. There are good men out there but he is not good enough for you. He is making you I'll and unhappy and you can't trust him.

[Nighthawk61]

I absolutely agree with Lourdes. It's essential that you both find out why this happened in the first place to change it. And i took at face value that there was no marriage counselors where you live, but upon rethinking this. Is this denial or evasive thinking? Did you see more than one marriage counselor? Could you find a doctor on line that is qualified to help? What of the Pastor?

and another thing that concerns me is this?
She had nothing to do with his fantasy and looked up to him as a  father figure.

It seems very odd that your husband had a fantasy that he actually acknowledged with an individual who had no idea what was going on. This concerns me that your husband needs medical help that you both are unwilling or unable to address

".Delusional disorder is characterized by the presence of either bizarre or non-bizarre delusions which have persisted for at least one month. Non-bizarre delusions typically are beliefs of something occurring  in a person’s life which is not out of the realm of possibility. "
"

[Londres70]

What are they saying and/or doing that indicates they are not adequate to handle marital issues?

I do believe in self-help, but for your situation you both need to find someone professional who you feel is qualified to sort this out.

"Can men lie for years and then really change or am a being duped again? "..............Difficult to say.  If he doesn't get to the core of his problem then it is only a matter of time before he does this again.

[Nighthawk61]

Would you feel better to have him talk with a Pastor , if you have one? He may get more of a sense that his lying will never go undetected. Do you belong to a church?

[Nighthawk61]

Yes, i think that people can change. I think they can be insensitive to their family's needs, and then when there is an intervention (like you moving on) they can get help or gain strength and knowledge and quit their former behavior.

I do know that there is risk involved, and that doesn't feel good. But usually after a number of months and years without incident, a person should start to lessen their anxiety.I think that it's important that we all have our own core strength to handle every possible or eventual situation. may have no reason to worry, and spend the rest of your life in a partnership where trust is built and stands. Then one of you will be forced to live without the other person, for a spell. That's life. It's hard, but we will survive. How well is up to us. Get strong in your own sense of self. The stronger you are, the easier it will be to handle anything that comes your way. Make friends and take courses. Learn a new hobby. Get involved in your fitness. Be balanced and varied.in your approach to life. Don't hitch everything on one person.