Husband is Verbally Abusive and Threatens Me to Get Custody Because I am a Recovering Addict

[bipolarandaddictive]

My husband has always been verbally abusive, immature and spiteful.  Quite frankly, I don't know how we stayed together for 17 years.  Most of the time it's been fighting and hard feelings.  Somehow, I could never allow myself to leave him.  We have three young children and are struggling financially.  For the past five years or so, I've had drug abuse problems over the past five years or so, and I know it was because I was depressed over my marriage.  I also know that although that influenced my abuse, it isn't the real reason.  I am an addict, and that's the reason.  

The problem is:  I am recovering now, and very serious about staying clean.  I am a much better parent and person.  He had been getting more sensitive lately, but then when he doesn't like something you've brought up, he gets angry and spiteful and I feel such rage against him and I go off and cry but always give in to him to keep the peace.  He threatens to take my children and our home away from me and he said all he had to do was use my past of the drugs, multiple doctors, bipolar, etc. against me in court and nobody would ever give me custody and I'd be out on my butt.  I know I screwed up in the past, but what about his attitude?  It's hot as hell here and he put up an air conditioner in our room but not in the childrens'.  They went in the den to sleep where there is one and I was satisfied with that but then the mattress broke so he made them take it back to the bedroom.  Now they are not sleeping well because of the heat and I brought it up tonight and he flew off the handle and shut our air conditioner off, and turned the house fan on.  He talked about wanting God to take him tonight and he said we should cancel our camping trip because the kids will have to sleep on the ground and I should get an f-in job.  I am so hurt and angry I don't want to go back to our bedroom to sleep. I wasn't going to but the kids may get upset if they see me on the couch.  I feel such hatred I have decided I will not compromise my self-respect even if it means he takes my kids and home from me.  I can't live this way.  I don't know how to resolve this.  I'm so depressed I hate my kids to see this and hear the arguing but I also don't want to lose them either.  I am really ready to lose it.  I don't know what to do.

[imanaddict]

If I were married to a man like yours, I'd probably be on medication too. Do you think that possibly HE is the reason you have to take meds?

[bipolarandaddictive]

Just an update...We had been disagreeing about something regarding me, of course. Previously he had been agreeing to let the kids sleep in the den with the A/C on but last night it happened again.  It was a very uncomfortable night and he actually told them to shut the A/C off and I asked him how he could do that on possibly the hottest night of the summer. He began a tirade about how he has to work in the heat all day so they can take it.  The fight escalated and I began swearing at him.  He is a born-again Christian (right!) and didn't want me swearing.  He used to cuss like a sailor.  He edged towards me and I thought he was going to hit me.  I haven't felt such hate in awhile.  I felt such hatred.  I told him to get out of the room.  He said he would never sleep in that room again.  I said "who cares?  You son of a -itch".  He slept in another room and the kids were told to put the A/C back on.  I eventually left the room, too and went downstairs but I couldn't sleep.  I ended up back in the room but he never came back.  We didn't talk at all.  He is at work now and I am crying, so I must care.  Why would I care about such an -sshole?  He told me we have alot of medical bills to pay because of my hospitalizations for addiction/bipolar.  I told him I would go off my meds, stop going to my psych, and never go to another hospital again even if I needed to.  He said he would not live with a wife who was insane because she wouldn't get help.  I told him he shouldn't put this financial -hit on me then since he wants me to get the help I needed.  My doc is gone for three weeks and I really need to talk to him; isn't it my luck he's not here when my life is falling apart.  He asked if I went off my meds and I saw red.  He always says that when I react to his crap.  I said I didn't and I was just reacting to his -hit.  What's his excuse?  In a way I wished he had hit me because I'd really have something to show for my misery.  I don't know what today holds when he comes home but I do not intend to talk to him, nor do I intend to apologize.  If he doesn't come to our bedroom I will not respond.  I have nothing to say and I will go on this way until he apologizes and is damn sorry for what he's done.  We need counseling and we are going to get it or this relationship is over.  And I will find a job and not be controlled by him doling out money to me any longer. Sorry for the lengthiness.  I'm just upset and can't turn to anyone else.

[bipolarandaddictive]

I really appreciate everyone's advice.  Right now everything is good.  This is the pattern; it's good and he's loving and caring which is the man that I love.  Then he doesn't agree with something and he's spouting off at us.  Then come the threats.

For the record, my twins are almost nine, and my oldest is thirteen.  I am not having a ball at home with them.  I would like to work mother's hours so I would feel like more than a mother and a wife.  All I see myself right now is a messed up addict who has bipolar and has screwed up her life and the people around her.

I do have a shrink, and a very good one, finally.  I am on the meds I think I should be on, and I go to a few support groups.  I am trying.  I really don't want to leave but I swear if this continues, I will do it.  And I won't use, no matter what.

I am just starting to see very slightly that I am a worthwhile person who has an illness, and is trying to arrest that illness.  I've done some good things in my life, and the best things I've ever done is bring those beautiful children into the world.  I will not let them down any more.

As for him, he is not my priority right now.  I am.  And my children.  He is responsible for healing himself.  He has 24 years of sobriety and never had any relapses, so he thinks "black and white".  He doesn't understand how hard it is for some people with other issues to stay sober, especially when they don't want to be.  Now that I finally do want to be, I want do everything that I didn't do because I was too busy with "other" things.

I'm 47 y.o., not so young anymore, but look damn good for my age.  He is jealous and insecure about men sometimes still hitting on me.  I enjoy that, because then he knows how it feels to be pissed off and not in control.

Thanks again for letting me spew.

[imanaddict]

First let me start off with saying that it's extremely hard to take children away from their mother. There usually has to be some sort of abuse, neglect, or current drug use for a court to rule in the father's favor. Second, you say there are financial difficulties in the home, so how in the world could he afford an expensive attorney to fight you for custody? He threatens  you with the children because he knows that is what he can use to hurt you. But the reality of his threats aren't in his favor so I wouldn't think twice about letting that get to you. Third, everyone has a past and I doubt his is spotless. Whether or not he has ever been caught is another story, but regardless, he can't use your past against you as long as it just that..your past. And if he does try, well, it looks as if you have just as much ammunition. Sounds to me that you may even have more due to him not wanting to put an A/C near the kids so they can sleep and be comfortable in their own home. Finally, I agree with specialmom, it's time to get a job. It will help to have the extra income if you decide to stay with him, and it will also most likely be required from the court should you have to go for custody.

[specialmom]

Maybe if you proactively work on the relationship there does not have to be a next time.  I hope that you consider looking for a job as this will help the situation either way it works out.  I don't know the ages of your kids------ but is a full time or  part time job an option for you?  Does your husband have any insurance coverage that would cover therapy or marriage counseling?  It can really help.  If not, churches offer great programs for this.  Many have counseling for couples, couples retreats, mentoring by other couples that have been in the same boat and have worked their way through it.  Health clinics might also have ideas of where to get marriage counseling at a nominal rate.  good luck

[bipolarandaddictive]

Hi Sandy

Thanks for the good advice.  I have been clean for two months.  I decided on my own to get clean, not by threats or force.  This is why I think it will stay that way this time.  All of the past haunts me now.  It just won't go away.  I will no longer take his abuse and now I know I'm worth it and I would fight tooth and nail for those kids if I had to.  We talked and he apologized but I'm just waiting for the next time...

[sandy201]

hey, Im an recovering addict as all these others, we know what your going through... Im pregnant with my first , at 8 months,and we fight alot and he sounds like yhour husband , very spitefrul... He says " yea will see who gets that kid, after all the **** youve got on your medical and criminal record" dui and disorderly, anyway , it did scare me when he first said it.... But I talked to some professional people that know about stuff like that ...Its not waht you did , its what your doing now that the judge will look at... Judges are not stupid... They know how hard it is to get clean they deal with addicts awll the time.....think about it.Also heres a tip that I tried, when hes not in one of his raging immature fits, and you can actually talk sweet to him , that has to happen sometime or I dont think he would be with you after 17 years , just straight out ask him when you guys are getting along and hes in a good mood, say something to the affect"  honny, you know those kids mean alot  to me right?  It really scares me that you threaten to take them away. tears will probably start falling cuz those r your kids, say that could be the worst thing you could do to me , Im clean for me and my kids , and I couldnt imagine you taking them away from me, promise me that we will work out the kids if we ever divorce .Tell him you cant handle those threats anymore its breaking you....Just tell him you would never do that to him, you would rather work it out wjhere you both get joint custody, of course , contigent on if there is a divorce... But seriously sit him down when you can civily talk to him and cry hard, and tell him how much those kids mean to you and they are whar keep you sober ...If I mean anything to you after 17 years please do not threaten the kids with me anymore....Really just have a deep conversation with him.Make him think about what he is saying and its simply not fair as you are recovering...He should be proud that the mother of his children is clean and not out there abusing drugs... He should not hold something good that you are doing against you. If he still is an ******* ... Then girl you need to leave him again judges look at what what uve done with your life and youve gotton clean! Give yourself some credit and demand it from your husband....Record some of his abuse, record him as he is raging , get something on him , journal his abuse , have friends or family witnesss it... at the end he will not get full custody of those kids because of your past ... How long have you been clean? I am sorry you feel like such a victim, but you need to turn this around on him. It souds like your very unhappy, and thats so sad. If you need to talk message me, my husband is the same way, were starting marriage counseling this week befor the baby is born so she doesnt have to hear all our ****! And Im scared , but I will not allow her to go through it, so if I have to leave I will. I already talked to him, he said he just threatens me with the baby cuz he know that will hurt me, and he promised he would never do that to me.... so again talk to him so you can feel better atleast about that part!

[bipolarandaddictive]

Thanks for your input, Specialmom.  It is good, sound advice.

To answer your questions; I have been clean for two months, after relapsing several times over the last five years.  He has every reason to be hesitant about my ability to take care of our kids.  He doesn't know about the last two relapses because he would have thrown me out as he said he would if I did it again.  I made a decision two months ago that I was done with the drugs for good.  Nobody forced me to stop.  That is the reason I could never stop before.  It was never my decision, but now it is.  I am confident that I will make it this time.  I am going to support groups, and as for the bipolar, I am going to a psych dr every week and on appropriate meds.  

He woke up and began talking and apologizing and I stood my ground and told him he was abusive and I will not accept it any longer.  I'd rather leave and forfeit everything than be belittled.  I put him in his place and for once, he listened.

So now everything is good, until the next time.  I think it's time for counseling.  You're right.    It's time to resolve this, or split up.  Even if I don't get custody, eventually I will get it.  Hopefully it won't come to that.

Thanks again

[specialmom]

Well, this is a really complicated situation.  You have a lot going on.  I am sorry that you are so frustrated and hurting right now.  It definately sounds like the relationship has broken down.
I wonder about a couple of things.  First, how long have you been sober and what did you do for your recovery?  How many times have you relapsed?  I ask that as it is an important detail to understand the extent of your addiction.  I think that living with an addict is really hard and while we may start taking drugs to "escape" and self medicate, it is also essential to take full blame for our adictions.  You need to own it.  You also need to accept that it hurt others--------- your husband and children along the way.  That is not condemning you but it is important to recovery to understand what our addiction has done to our life.

No, it does not sound healthy at all in your home.  How old are your children?  I'm wondering if indeed you should start working on getting some type of job (you mentioned your husband yelled at you to do so which makes me think you do not currently work).  His behavior is unacceptable but you really will have a difficult time leaving if you do not have employment or income.  Where would you go?  How would you set up house for the kids and where?  So, to be independent of him------ you must think about getting a job.  

Again, his behavior is unacceptable and a house full of fighting and hostility is very hard on kids.  Could you seek marriage counseling?  Is there any way to repaire the relationship? He sounds like an abusive person, that I will say in the way he belittles and threatens.  Walking on eggshells is a terrible way to live.  But counseling can sometimes help you overcome these issues.  Sometimes not.  

If that is not an option, I think you have to be realistic.  If you have not been managing your bipolar properly-------- you need to start doing so.  And you need to document that.   Staying sober is something to document as well.  Both will help you in a custody fight.  But . . . it should not be a fight.  If you leave-------- you should work out the details as best you can.  A mediator can help when a couple can not get along.  It is important that both parents are in the children's life.

Make sure that you've addressed your mental health issues fully.  Depression and bipolar can derail a person from all they want to accomplish.  

I congratulate you on getting sober.  That is hard hard work.  I hope that you can get on a path to have the kind of life you want.  Wishing you lots of success and peace.